PICS
In the car window as it flashes past, her reflection is entirely average. Ms. Nobody. The eyes have lost something, perhaps a spark. They are the emptiest eyes she has ever seen. Glazed over, as if she is looking deep into a pool that she cannot fathom, and its depth puzzles her.
And in the car, the moment freezes in her mind: see, she’s waiting for someone.
Someone who won’t come.
anyway, on a completely different note, I must say that I'm highly anticipating this bands upcoming performance.
can I get a HELL YES?
That is all for tonight suicidegirls.com.
"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too."
-Lemony Snicket
Dear readers of Suicidegirls.com,
I cannot sleep. Post things to entertain me, please
-Lemony Snicket
Dear readers of Suicidegirls.com,
I cannot sleep. Post things to entertain me, please
The fragrance of a Sunday. Subhumans played at the Grog shop last night. A few of my friends drove from Columbus for the show (thumbs up) My hair is ratted and somehow still fixed in a chignon hairdo. I spilled cheap beer all over myself and also acquired two large contusions around my knees. At one point during the show, I swept my finger under my nose and held it up towards the pulsing light that lined the stage; a thin, red liquid streaked against my skin. It's 4 p.m and I can still smell the dried, crusty blood clinging together in my nostrils. I should get off the computer and shower.
I enjoy living in Cleveland, OH...
A few weeks ago I was sitting on a squishy bar stool, conversing with practically the only friend I have in Cleveland (it's hard to make friends since I'm hardly ever there). A man with salty peppered, perfectly groomed hair gracefully entered the side door of the bar. We exchanged smiles as I got up to use the ladies room. He was still standing behind the bar, next to my friend as I returned to my seat. His eyes were watching as I sat down. I looked up shyly and he introduced himself to me with a grin on his face. He offered me a job at his restaurant.
I've never really worked at a restaurant before. I have a higher respect for waiters and every person that works that sort of job. The atmosphere in the restaurant makes me feel as if I were some place exotic. House music and live deejays keep a relaxed smile on my face. The co-workers are swell people. There was a man that I really enjoyed talking to that also rode fixed. Unfortunately, he quit a week ago. Still a pleasant workplace none the less.
I've still been driving back and fourth from Columbus to Cleveland. This Wednesday will be my last day working in Columbus. I'm sure now that the weather is beautiful, and I have jobs in Cleveland I will be happier there.
I enjoy living in Cleveland, OH...
A few weeks ago I was sitting on a squishy bar stool, conversing with practically the only friend I have in Cleveland (it's hard to make friends since I'm hardly ever there). A man with salty peppered, perfectly groomed hair gracefully entered the side door of the bar. We exchanged smiles as I got up to use the ladies room. He was still standing behind the bar, next to my friend as I returned to my seat. His eyes were watching as I sat down. I looked up shyly and he introduced himself to me with a grin on his face. He offered me a job at his restaurant.
I've never really worked at a restaurant before. I have a higher respect for waiters and every person that works that sort of job. The atmosphere in the restaurant makes me feel as if I were some place exotic. House music and live deejays keep a relaxed smile on my face. The co-workers are swell people. There was a man that I really enjoyed talking to that also rode fixed. Unfortunately, he quit a week ago. Still a pleasant workplace none the less.
I've still been driving back and fourth from Columbus to Cleveland. This Wednesday will be my last day working in Columbus. I'm sure now that the weather is beautiful, and I have jobs in Cleveland I will be happier there.
I'm still in between Columbus and Cleveland. Spending over 100 bucks a week on gasoline. I have a job in Cleveland now, so I hope to stay put in that city until my lease is up.
I've been single for nearly two months now. My ex boyfriend is already in a hot and heavy relationship with a blonde haired lady that bares an uncanny resemblance to his younger sister (a touch disturbing). I found out through facebook photos, of course. I messaged with the lady to torture myself further. She told me, 'he's a great guy. I'm treating him right for you'. In that moment I wished so badly to reach my arm through the computer screen and slap the lousy broad. I cried and felt this immense feeling of anger for two consecutive hours after discovering this information. I felt so lousy, so easily replaced. However, on the other side of the coin, and I realize now that we really weren't meant for each other. The purpose of that relationship was to teach me the things I've learned. I've gained so much experience, and stories from the year of knowing him. I like the movie, Harold and Maude, near the end, Harold tells Maude, "I love you." Maude replies, "Oh, Harold, that's wonderful. Go out and love some more."
I don't have any issues with the two of them now. Acting jealous, or bitter is only a sign of selfishness. I want so much for everyone in this world to live happily. I want everyone to experience love.
I'm ready for my next chapter. I don't think I will date for a while, but you really never know what to expect. (that's one of the beautiful things about life)
I live in the moment these days. I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends who have put up with me when I was at one of the worst times of my life. I had a lot hit me at once, broken relationships, my father entering the hospital (The day before we split [he chose to party instead of comforting me; and hasn't even bothered to ask if my father is alright since]) and more bad luck that I wont delve into.
++ALSO++ thank you so much for all of your comments and messages. All of you have helped me so much.++
My skin is getting a lot thicker. I can handle difficult situations in a much more mature manner now. I have a boat load of stories to share-
I've been single for nearly two months now. My ex boyfriend is already in a hot and heavy relationship with a blonde haired lady that bares an uncanny resemblance to his younger sister (a touch disturbing). I found out through facebook photos, of course. I messaged with the lady to torture myself further. She told me, 'he's a great guy. I'm treating him right for you'. In that moment I wished so badly to reach my arm through the computer screen and slap the lousy broad. I cried and felt this immense feeling of anger for two consecutive hours after discovering this information. I felt so lousy, so easily replaced. However, on the other side of the coin, and I realize now that we really weren't meant for each other. The purpose of that relationship was to teach me the things I've learned. I've gained so much experience, and stories from the year of knowing him. I like the movie, Harold and Maude, near the end, Harold tells Maude, "I love you." Maude replies, "Oh, Harold, that's wonderful. Go out and love some more."
I don't have any issues with the two of them now. Acting jealous, or bitter is only a sign of selfishness. I want so much for everyone in this world to live happily. I want everyone to experience love.
I'm ready for my next chapter. I don't think I will date for a while, but you really never know what to expect. (that's one of the beautiful things about life)
I live in the moment these days. I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends who have put up with me when I was at one of the worst times of my life. I had a lot hit me at once, broken relationships, my father entering the hospital (The day before we split [he chose to party instead of comforting me; and hasn't even bothered to ask if my father is alright since]) and more bad luck that I wont delve into.
++ALSO++ thank you so much for all of your comments and messages. All of you have helped me so much.++
My skin is getting a lot thicker. I can handle difficult situations in a much more mature manner now. I have a boat load of stories to share-
I like feeling uncomfortable. I like being thrust from my warm, dry comfort zone into the icy waters of unfamiliarity...
I like watching the girl in the corner.
She is obviously upset. Her eyebrows are furrowed. She tries to look concentrated, but in reality..she is trying to hold back tears. I know because I've done it before, and I can feel her energy almost circling me in the surrounding air; choking me with empathy for her. She glances outside, trying to appear in deep thought or looking for inspiration. In reality she is trying to keep the tears from leaking out of her ducts..
Things are odd. I've been single for over a month now. At first I was having a hell of a time adjusting. I would excessively call him; without a single response. Things are starting to look up. Why waste time on someone who can't simply press a small button and say a word to you? It's such a rotten thing, you know. Spending so much time with someone. Exposing yourself to them- and then all of a sudden. You're cut off from them. The story ends so abruptly.
I like watching the girl in the corner.
She is obviously upset. Her eyebrows are furrowed. She tries to look concentrated, but in reality..she is trying to hold back tears. I know because I've done it before, and I can feel her energy almost circling me in the surrounding air; choking me with empathy for her. She glances outside, trying to appear in deep thought or looking for inspiration. In reality she is trying to keep the tears from leaking out of her ducts..
Things are odd. I've been single for over a month now. At first I was having a hell of a time adjusting. I would excessively call him; without a single response. Things are starting to look up. Why waste time on someone who can't simply press a small button and say a word to you? It's such a rotten thing, you know. Spending so much time with someone. Exposing yourself to them- and then all of a sudden. You're cut off from them. The story ends so abruptly.
You know you have those days when you realize what you're really worth. You have days when you would get out of bed, but you can't find a reason. You want so much to be happy and to be able to function around people, but you just can't seem to get the darkness out of your mind. You realize that you could be standing in a room full of people you know and love, and still be lonelier than ever. You so want to be with them, to experience the joy of living, to let them know who you really are. But you can't, because even you don't know who you really are, and even if you did, you probably wouldn't like yourself. You realize you have secrets that you could never tell anyone, even if you wanted to. And worse than that, you realize that your situation is not unique. You wish you were alone in this, but you know that others around you deal with it every day, and you are just one of the crowd.
It's times like these you realize that even if you had never existed, life would still be going on for everyone around you. Did you ever see that movie, It's a Wonderful Life? George Bailey finds out that his life meant so much to many people, that the world would've been so different without him. It's not that way in real life. People continue life, whether you're in theirs or not. And even if it were different, there's no angel here to take away the illusion that your life doesn't change anything. It's reality versus illusion, and which one would you rather live with? The one where you're happy living a lie, or the one where you see the world and yourself as it is, and know that there's nothing you can do?
It's times like these when you look back on the good times and wonder where they went to. You get that sinking feeling inside you as you realize that the times you loved are dead, and all that's left are the memories. You look across the room and see someone you love, but you could never pull yourself to show it, no matter how small an action it is, because you see the reality of your own vulnerability. You hear people telling you that you're strong and that they believe in you, but you can't see past your faults and you know inside you that those who appear strongest are the ones who choose to hide their insecurities, and are therefore the most insecure of all. Not talking about it may not help, and yet talking doesn't do anything. Nothing can ever remove the reality of your situation.
You realize that the things you always counted on aren't there. The people you always counted on have left you, when you needed them most. You wonder if it was something that you did and you blame yourself even more for the ones that let you fall. You know that somewhere along the line you let go of the things that used to matter to you. Now, even if you went back, they're meaningless. You've reached a new era, and you don't like what you see. What you see is the deeper side of yourself. And so you become even quieter, even more recluse, as you struggle to hide your problems from the world. There's nothing they can do; there's nothing you can do. That's just the way things are at times like these.
Times like these, you realize what you want. Most days, it's just a long hug, or a common sigh to say "I know you don't feel your best, but I'm here WITH you, even if you don't want me to be there FOR you." Times like these, when you just beat yourself against the head and wonder why you go through this... And then you remember that you chose this path a long time ago.
It's times like these you realize that even if you had never existed, life would still be going on for everyone around you. Did you ever see that movie, It's a Wonderful Life? George Bailey finds out that his life meant so much to many people, that the world would've been so different without him. It's not that way in real life. People continue life, whether you're in theirs or not. And even if it were different, there's no angel here to take away the illusion that your life doesn't change anything. It's reality versus illusion, and which one would you rather live with? The one where you're happy living a lie, or the one where you see the world and yourself as it is, and know that there's nothing you can do?
It's times like these when you look back on the good times and wonder where they went to. You get that sinking feeling inside you as you realize that the times you loved are dead, and all that's left are the memories. You look across the room and see someone you love, but you could never pull yourself to show it, no matter how small an action it is, because you see the reality of your own vulnerability. You hear people telling you that you're strong and that they believe in you, but you can't see past your faults and you know inside you that those who appear strongest are the ones who choose to hide their insecurities, and are therefore the most insecure of all. Not talking about it may not help, and yet talking doesn't do anything. Nothing can ever remove the reality of your situation.
You realize that the things you always counted on aren't there. The people you always counted on have left you, when you needed them most. You wonder if it was something that you did and you blame yourself even more for the ones that let you fall. You know that somewhere along the line you let go of the things that used to matter to you. Now, even if you went back, they're meaningless. You've reached a new era, and you don't like what you see. What you see is the deeper side of yourself. And so you become even quieter, even more recluse, as you struggle to hide your problems from the world. There's nothing they can do; there's nothing you can do. That's just the way things are at times like these.
Times like these, you realize what you want. Most days, it's just a long hug, or a common sigh to say "I know you don't feel your best, but I'm here WITH you, even if you don't want me to be there FOR you." Times like these, when you just beat yourself against the head and wonder why you go through this... And then you remember that you chose this path a long time ago.
