I felt a bit nostalgic last Wednesday. I visited the old bar where I previously worked. I walked in and felt a heavy wave of negative energy from the establishment. There's a lot of drama in that part of town. And so it goes. I sat down at the end of the bar, and chatted with my old friend. At one point she became distracted (easily so with the intake of booze) I scanned the bar. Smoke circled around the bar like lost birds. I felt a chill sweep over me and suddenly, lonliness crept in. Anxiety comes in waves. Most times, I have no control. I feel my eyes glaze over, my complexion grows paler, and my heart races. My heart speeds up, but time seems to slow down. Everything is slowing down, and I lose control.
She was still talking with one of the other patrons. My eyes still looked around the bar.

I don't think I will ever return to that bar, to be honest. It's a place of the past.

**
Cleveland has been such a tragic story. It's been nothing short of a fucking roller coaster. Yet I still find myself in complete adoration of this city.

I was dating a man for about 5 months in 2009. He peeked my interest at a protest, and we officially met at a library. I told him I was leaving Columbus. He laughed at me.

He wasn't the greatest.

At that time I was working at a boutique in Columbus and modeling on the side for extra money.

I was yearning for something different.

In Janurary, my boss, Charlie, told me that he was going to close the store. The same day the bad news hit, I recieved a text message from a beautiful girl my age named, Brittainy. She complained that she needed to find a new barmaid.

I sent her a text offering help, purely on a whim. Two weeks later I began working at a bar in Cleveland (still modeling during the week in Columbus) "living" in two different locations..

On February 14th,2010 I broke up with the man.

Met a new fella on March 7th. So it goes.

Now, I have a knack of drawing in bad luck. And in early April I got, not one, both TWO pink eyes. They were so bad that my younger sister had to drive me to the doctors office, hold my hand, lead me out of the car, and through the building. The receptionist took a look at me and the first thing that exited her lips were, You poor thing.

I ended up losing my job at the bar, since I couldn't fill the shifts. And so it goes.
I was still fond of the fella, so i continued to commute back and fourth from Cleveland to Columbus every week for months. Eventually, I ended up keeping (poor desicion) all of my belongings in my car. Since I wasn't grounded anywhere. It's rather hard "living" in two cities.

In July 2010 I was living out of my car, hardly working, drinking heavily and completely consumed by this relationship. needless to say, I was a wreck. But I didn't realize this at the time of course. I was blinded by "love" and so it goes.

Tuesday, July 20th,i was very, very sick. I drove to Cleveland to see one of my favorite bands perform, God Damn Gallows. ( I highly suggest you give them a listen)
I parked my car on my old fellas street walked up his staircase, he greeted me with a hug and kiss. We were "crazy" about each other then. Blinded by this idea of "love"
He offered me something to drink. The normal routine. Before I met him, I barely ever drank. In fact, until I met him I only drank twice a year. -shook my head yes- even though I was very sick that day. I sat down on his wood paneled floor and plugged in my hair straightener and fixed up my hair as he hung out in the kitchen with his friend (whom, I could never force myself to like) moments later he handed me a glass of red wine. I drank it down quickly. Along with half a mug of wine throughout the car ride to the show, about 11 shots of whiskey, and a few beers at the venue. On an empty stomach. I ended up blacking out (not surprising) for the first time in my life. I lost about four hours that night.

I remember waking that morning. My eyes were heavy and dry. I never sleep with my contacts in. I looked around the room and started to panic. I couldn't remember how I got home. Ontop of this frantic mess and impending doom of a hangover setting in, I was still very sick. I should have gone to the hospital.

The fella left for work as I laid helplessly, and very pathetically in his bed. Everything hurt. I remember cursing the sun for beaming it's bright rays of light into the bedroom. Also, his house was right next to a set of train tracks that was particularly busy that day. The house rattled and trembled causing my swollen brain to pulse.
At one point the fella returned for a brief moment. he brought me some medicine and a heath candy bar (which I couldn't consume and ended up melting) He laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around my body until I was able to fall asleep.

and so it goes.

Hours later, the sun was starting to go down, and I finally got up from the bed. My head was still spinning, and I almost fell to the ground, twice on the way to the bathroom. I knew I couldn't make it to my car without throwing up (which I had done at least four times that day) so I used the fellas shampoo and soap. The smell of vomit was overwhelming--I was a mess.
After showering I went back to his bed, he had returned then-cooking dinner for us to eat. Sweet potato fries and I think chicken? I can't remember. I do remember that I was only able to take one bite of that meal. We sat down and watched Flight of the Concords on the tv- I felt sick again and retrieved to the bathroom-throwing up for the 43403 time-returning to his bed.

he walked in ten mintes after me. I told him I had to leave-I had to drive back to Columbus that night. It was around 10:30 then- All of my belongings were in my car (excpet the clothing I was wearing and a purse with a limited supply of makeup and 50 dollars that the fella had given to me (we went gambling before the concert)

He coaxed me to stay a little longer with him. It was always so hard to leave him.

we laid on his bed looking at each others faces with the light from a candle.
So much has happened and it's only been four months of dating each other-we couldn't believe our story. We were so "in love" and so it goes.



Around 1 a.m we walked down the stairs.

I automatically faced my body to the left. My eyes dialated, drifted out, scanning the street. My mouth fell open.

I looked to the right, and to the left again, then at the fella.


The bad day was not quite over, folks.

My car was missing.

July 22,2010 was one of my many low points of the year.

**
I remember on my myspace status feed I posted, gimmie danger, a few days prior to this experience.
**



We imediately dialed the police. They asked us to wait at the apartment. (they never showed)

We grew impatient after five minutes of waiting. I left my car near E so, "they must not have gone far" We hopped into his Toyota camry and started scanning the streets of Cleveland, hitting every gas station near his apartment. My mind was racing and I was screaming and howling for him to find my car.


Yes, I know we were foolish for seeking out my car. Don't bother leaving a comment pointing out the obvious. We were stupid, but in situations like these, you don't take time to really think about "what could happen" you just go for it-


About fifteen minutes later we pulled up to a stop sign that was across a two way popular street. At the very same moment, directly across the street, a small car strolled up to another stop sign. I started tapping his leather seats, repeating, that's my car!
We phoned the police for the second time. "we're now following my stolen car" We named off streets to the police as we followed two men in my stolen car. They increased their speed and at one point they were going over 100 mph through the main streets of Cleveland. The men ran a red light at one point, flying over a hill and crashing down, sparks flying everywhere, then within seconds after going airborne, they had to slam on the brakes to avoid a colliding into a passing transit bus. While hitting the brakes I saw the passenger fly forward and cracking his head against the window, causing the glass to spider web out.

Did we catch them?

Nah.
After this happened they slyly whipped into a residential area. The twists and turns were so confusing we ended up losing them.

The police ended up phoning us five precious minutes after we had lost them. they found my car.

A huge feeling of relief flushed over me. I kissed the fella as if I would always kiss him for the rest of my life. We drove over to the car. I ran out of his car and as I got closer to my growling car--my pace slowed. The seats looked---empty.

Yes, I was a fool.

Deep down I knew it was a stupid thing to do-leave everything I owned in my car- I thought at worst, maybe someone might break in and take a few things. Not the whole car-

I lost almost everything that night, but in the end it didn't matter. It didn't matter, because I still had the fella. And we made it out of the situation with out harm.

And so it goes

Cleveland has been tragic. It's been beautiful. It's been anything, but dull or ordinary.


The weeks/months that followed this event were rough. I was flat broke, collecting credit debt, completely vulnerable and a wreck. Instead of staying in Columbus as I should have done (and found a steady job and slowly rebuilt everything) I continued to stay in Cleveland and became a burden. I was pathetic. I was such a mess from this- I started having horrible panic attacks and fell depressed shortly thereafter. The relationship crumbled.

That fella is the one I wrote so much about earlier.

I've been a little emotional lately since that dramatic event happened around this time a year ago.


Yet in comparison to last year I am doing much, much, much better.

I hardly drink these days, living in a pleasant apartment, maintaining wonderful friendships with people that I love, and I have a full time job.

The fella and I do not speak to each other which is a shame, really. So it goes.



Oh, and I still have the beastly car.
(In October it was stolen again-then found a few hours later)

On my third interview for this job I had to ice and decorate a freshly baked cake. Turns out I wasn't very good at icing or decorating-at all. I completely massacred the cake ! I turned around and examined the ladies' faces. They were trying to be nice and hide their shocked/disappointed expressions.

In the past I always let my feelings overwhelm me and if I had taken this very same test a year ago I probably would've started crying and walking out of the test interview.

I've grown up a lot since the winter. I'm more patient and less edgy.

When I turned around, I did so with a huge smile. Who could get upset with a smile so innocent and charming? eh? eh?

It was an absolute miracle that I got this job haha.

As I was searching for inspiration for a stage name, I stumbled upon a woman named, yvette vickers. Reading further, I decided to stray from using the name. Turns out the woman passed away, and started rotting in her home and no one noticed for a year! The only thing that lead them to suspicion was her yellowing pile of mail in her mailbox and a collection of spider webs on her front door! Sad times..

Chris and his wonderful friends, including an archived SG who is sweet as pie, Joe from OSS.

I recently met a skinhead from the east side of Cleveland that has got my whole heart in a swirl. And when he kisses me- it's over.

but i've got my heart guarded. One foot is out of the loop..skidding across the earth...keeping me grounded, until he wraps me in his strong arms and lifts my chin up and kisses me.

A few weeks ago he drove us 40 minutes out of the city to his friends house. We drove around in his rust colored '74 Mercury Comet through the country side, listening to Tiger Army and watching the lightening storm. It started to rain, but the rain hit the car at an angle that would miss the interior of his car. I was able to enjoy the fresh air during the car ride. Which made it all the more epic. We held hands during this car ride and kept exchanging smiles. The energy that slipped between us could've produced lightening. I'm so attracted to this man.

We arrived to his friends house. Two men were standing outside by a bonfire. Miller highlife cans in their hands and one of the men retrieved a chainsaw from the house and began to saw down a 20+ foot tree. (It is quite entertaining to see an inebriated redneck carry a chainsaw around in the rain btw) I watched as the tree collapsed over the fire. As it fell to the ground a huge boom of thunder hit simultaneously. All of us cheered with excitement.

Moments later (I wasn't drinking that night) they showed me how to fire an ak 47 riffle, a 22, and a shot gun that forced my whole body to thrust backward with each hit.

He is certainly one of the most interesting individual I have ever met. haha.