Hooray, finally got my driver's license renewed and reissued! I can drive again! Doesn't do me much good since I don't have a car, but still.

Despite how much apartment hunting has been frying my brain (I think it actually gave me a headache yesterday) I've found about five really good leads and about five more possibilities, and that makes me happy. It's sad to think that I had go to through hundreds of ads to find most of those leads, but still. It's work and it's paid off, so far.

Now all I have to do is find a job! And move to Atlanta. And decide on an apartment. And move into that apartment. And make sure I have enough money for first months rent and deposits and all that, plus money to live on for the first couple of weeks of whatever job I get.

Okay, now I have a headache again.

I've been apartment and job searching (focusing on Atlanta) since 11am today.

If you listen closely, you can actually hear my brain frying.

Edit: figured I should actually post something substansive. I've been lost in a book all day (Robin McKinley's "A Knot in the Grain" all day long, and have finally re-emerged into the world of the Conscious of Anything But Books.

After spending awhile at my Mom's place out in the country (with no real Internet connection to speak of, it connects at about 20k!) I'm back at my Dad's place for a couple of days so that I can be more serious about searching for jobs and places to live, since there's a good Internet connection at his place. So this week is going to be all about job searching, and also renewing my driver's license and other things that I need to do prepare for moving.

Wherever it is I'm moving to. Right now it looks like my top choices go like this:
1. Moving to Atlanta
2. Staying in Charlottesville
3. Very unlikely, but worth mentioning: D.C.

The choices go in that order, as well. It's terrifying no matter what because I'll be moving with less than a thousand dollars to my name and no matter where I go I'm going to be building a life for myself from scratch. But if I do it, and do it well, I'll be very, very proud of myself.

Wish me luck on job-searching.

As far as everything else goes: no medications as of yet, I haven't been able to find a doctor that I can see that's willing to prescribe anxiety medications. I'm still working on that. I'm sad, of course, and need to cry like a baby every once in awhile (or to choke back tears, I do that about once a day) but I'm not falling apart, and that is a huge improvement over how I've reacted to prior breakups. As much as I'd love to fall off the face of the Earth for a week or two and just spend all my time either crying or reading, I can't, and knowing that I can't is keeping me sane. That and seeing old friends again who I had really missed (without realizing it) and seeing my folks again.

In other news, The Dark Night was amazing and Watchmen needs to come out immediately.

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, folks. I've been at my Mom's house,which has a 56k modem, and it really isn't worth trying to get onto SG with that connection.

I've been...okay. Honestly, I've been avoiding feeling as sad as I really am. I tend to start to feel sad when things get quiet and I'm alone, which means I've been watching lots of movies and hanging out with my folks, to avoid that. But obviously I need to feel all that sadness, so I'm going to be housesitting for my Mom and stepdad while they go away for a couple of days. I'll probably cry a lot then, which will suck but will also be healthy.

The thing that has been hurting me the most is thinking about how, someday, another woman is going to get to love Tangus. And she's going to get to do a better job of it, and she's going to get do love him longer and better than I did. I am already so, so jealous of whoever that chick is going to be, and already so ashamed that I didn't do a better job myself.

I went to my old therapist (as in, I saw her when I was a kid and once again as a teen...I hadn't seen her in 10 years before Thursday) the other day. I basicially gave her a short history of the last ten years (to which she responded at one point "well, no WONDER you have anxiety issues!"). At the end of it, she kept exclaiming about how I had made it through so much and how she thought I had come out such a good person. I was depressed for hours afterwards, because I don't FEEL like a good perosn. I feel like a pretty shitty person. I keep thinking about this breakup especially and thinking to myself "all you had to do was love someone, and you didn't do a good job of even that". How can I be such a good person if I can't even manage to love someone and love them well?

Edit: thanks for your kind words everyone. I know in my heart that I didn't do a "bad job" of loving Angus. But when I'm feeling at my worst it's hard to remember that.

I'm heading into Charlottesville today to spend time with old friends. Hopefully it'll mean my 4th of July will be a good one, though I'm going to be sad to be spending it without Tangus.

I really, really miss him.

I know things will get better, but when it hurts, it really hurts.

Anyway, happy 4th of July everyone!

As if things didn't suck enough already, I woke up this morning with a tick in my ear.

A tick.

IN MY EAR.

Also, I cried for about an hour last night. I cried so much I think a broke a blood vessel right below my eye. Yes, I know that's totally gross and unsexy. I needed that cry though. I still have a lot more crying waiting to happen, I can feel it build up.

But at least today I'm doing something useful. I'm going to help my dad with his CD-selling business and we're going to go see about renewing my license and making sure my voter registration is set up. I'm also going to see if I qualify for some kind of Prescription Assistance Program (lol PAP) for meds, because I need 'em.

But still, I hurt a lot. Also, there was a tick in my ear. I can't get over how gross that is.

Edit: okay, fuck you world. I just looked up prescription assistance programs that deal with the most common anxiety meds. Guess where the only one is?

Fucking Winter Park, Florida. What.The.Fuck? Someone up there is just making fun of me, seriously. I just LEFT Winter Park, Florida.

Fuck you, Prescription Assistance.

Current favorite video: Kenna's "Hellbent":

Favorite current poem?

I'll Take Truth For $1000 by Anna S. Barnett
Man was made
in the image of God:
particularly
Alex Trebek.
I wonder if the guy is omniscient
or what, and if
the great cacophony of answers would resolve
into that mindless theme song
if I could read the questions on his cue card.

clues:
the way trees look through trees, and tears through tears;
smart bombs, dumb jokes, and stain-glass-windowed saints;
stone-pounding oceans pounding on our ears;
an orange, a can of marbles, and some paint.
"what is the meaning of life?" we implore
"what is a grand game of molecular billiards?"
"what is the dead weight of the soul?"
"what is but a dream?"
"what is all we've got?"

when we come back, the Daily Double:
will you risk everything for everything else?

In the Beginning, there was nothing.
then God said, let there be gameshows.
"what's light," I muttered "light, and why is hope?"
"I'm sorry," said a voice, "our time is up."

Well, I'm in Virginia.

I'm hurting.

That's really about it right now. I'm out in the country and it's very quiet here. Sometimes that makes me feel better, sometimes that makes me feel worse. I'm trying to make some plans, keep busy.. I'm going to renew my driver's license, get a new Voter Registration Card, get a new passport, get to the doctor to get some anxiety meds. Look for part time jobs. Try and figure out where the hell I want to go from here. It's all to much to think about. I think about the earlier stuff, going to offices and appointments, because that's easy to comprehend, to fit into some kind of understandable worldview. The other stuff reminds me too much of how much my world has been turned completely upside-down, and the reason I'm here at home is to give myself time to try and make a new world for myself, wherever I decide to go.

But it still sucks really hardcore.

Here are some lyrics:

"Bless you, and I deeply do
no longer resolute and I call to you
But the water go so cold,and you do lose what you don't hold.

This is an old song, these are old blues.
This is not my tune, but it's mine to use

And all that I want, and all that I need
and all that I've got is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew is moving away from me.
And all that I know is blowing like tumbleweed "

Well, never mind house hunting.
Tangus and I just broke up.

Don't ask for details because they really don't matter. Don't say stupid things about how he must be an idiot or he must be at fault or anything like that. I still love him more than anyone in the world and I don't want to hear a single bad word spoken about him. This is an amicable breakup and we still love each other very much, we just...can't be together.

But it's over. I thought I had found The One, but apparently I didn't, and now I've packed all my shit into four bags and I'm running home to mommy and daddy (and stepmommy and stepdaddy)

And that being said, I don't even know what to do with myself. Half of the time I feel like I don't even have a heart left at all. Then I'm reminded that I still have a heart and that it hurts more than I could possibly imagine. I can't breathe correctly. I feel like I want to vomit. I feel a million things at once and none of them are good. I want to kiss him and be with him one last time, but I'm afraid to. I want to stay here for the last couple of nights that I'll be in Florida, but I know that will make us both so sad. Being apart would make us sadder, though, and I can't be alone. I want to stay for weeks and pretend that we're still a couple, but we're not and that would hurt me even more.

My father is coming to pick me up tomorrow, to take me to Virginia. It's going to screw me over job-wise because obviously I can't give two weeks notice, but I just CAN'T do anything else. I can't go into that office for two weeks and pretend to function. I have to go home and give myself time to fall apart or it will be worse for me in the end. For my sanity, I have to go home.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I want to scream and cry. I can't stop screaming and crying. This hurts more than I could possibly describe. I wish I could shut down my feelings.

Oh god, SG people. My heart is obliterated.

Thank you to those I have reached out to over the phone, and the ones I'm sure I'll reach out to in the coming weeks. Feel free to offer all kinds of kind words, I need 'em. I need all the help and support I can get.

Obviously I won't be responding to every comment y'all leave right away, but when I can, I'll try.

Even when it's just for rental, househunting fucking sucks. Though Tangus and I have done a good job keeping on top of it so far.

We have to move the first week of August, and after much discussion we both figured that we want to live in a house that we rent. For what we pay for our apartment now we could live in a nice house instead of an apartment. Ideally we'd be looking for a three bedroom/two bath or more kind of thing, and there's lots of stuff like that around, we just have to find a place we like that's affordable for us, in a location that would work. Near work being the most important thing, for now. So, anyway. Angus looks at a couple of different sites regularly. At work the only site I'm allowed access to is craigslist, so about three times a day when I have free time I scour their listings. Usually out of a hundred listings a day I'll be lucky to find 7 good, legit looking ones.

So far we've seen four houses. One was just terrible and out of the question. The others have their pros and cons, though there's one obvious favorite. Let's see, one is a good price, but it's not a great location. It also isn't as roomy as we'd like and needed a cleaning. On the plus side, it had vaulted ceilings and this awesome built in entertainment area, and a screened in back porch that the kitties would love. We saw one yesterday that was old and pretty, and had beautiful hardwood floors and a gorgeous bathroom, but was also kind of run down and it would likely have maintenance problems. Great location, though. And then there's the favorite. The cons: it's expensive and not very close to grocery stores or other things. But it's really pretty, has nice big rooms, a garden tub, hardwood floors downstairs, and is in an otherwise great location. But it's EXPENSIVE. We'd have to have two roommates and even then it'd be a struggle.

Anyway, we'll be looking at tons of places in the near future and doing all kinds of debating. It's interesting and it's nice to know that at the end of it we'll have a nice place to live, if we can find people to live with. But it's very, very stressful as well. Especially thinking about finding roomies.

I wish we could just win the lotto, then we'd live in one of those crazy, huge rental houses with pools and all kind of crazy shit, and it'd be just the two of us. And our kitties.