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The job searching is already driving me slowly crazy.
When I think about how I feel about the breakup, I keep coming back to this one song by Joanna Newsome, Sadie. To me this whole song seems to be about how nothing is permanent, but in this really beautiful, accepting way. It comforts me to listen to it and makes me incredibly sad at the same time. Enjoy some lyrics:
Sadie, white coat
carry me home.
Bury this bone and take this pinecone.
Bury this bone to gnaw on it later; gnawing on the telephone.
'Till then, we pray & suspend
the notion that these lives do never end.
And all day long we talk about mercy:
lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.
Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,
up in the clouds where he almost heard you
And all that we built, and all that we breathed, and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds
is piled up in back
and it burns irrevocably.
(we spoke up in turns,
'till the silence crept over me)
Bless you
and I deeply do
no longer resolute and I call to you
But the water got so cold,
and you do lose what you don't hold.
This is an old song,
these are old blues,
and his is not my tune,
but it's mine to use.
And the seabirds where the fear once grew
will flock with a fury,
and they will bury what'd come for you
Down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender
you and I, and a love so tender
is stretched-on the hoop where I stitch-this adage:
"Bless this house and its heart so savage."
And all that I want,
and all that I need
and all that I've got
is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew
is moving away from me.
(and all that I know
is blowing like tumbleweed)
And the mealy worms in the brine will burn
in a salty pyre, among the fauns and ferns.
And the love we hold, and the love we spurn,
will never grow cold
only taciturn.
And I'll tell you tomorrow.
Sadie, go on home now.
And bless those who've sickened below;
bless us who've chosen so.
And all that I've got
and all that I need
I tie in a knot
that I lay at your feet.
And I have not forgot,
but a silence crept over me.
(So dig up your bone,
exhume your pinecone, my sadie)
When I think about how I feel about the breakup, I keep coming back to this one song by Joanna Newsome, Sadie. To me this whole song seems to be about how nothing is permanent, but in this really beautiful, accepting way. It comforts me to listen to it and makes me incredibly sad at the same time. Enjoy some lyrics:
Sadie, white coat
carry me home.
Bury this bone and take this pinecone.
Bury this bone to gnaw on it later; gnawing on the telephone.
'Till then, we pray & suspend
the notion that these lives do never end.
And all day long we talk about mercy:
lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.
Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,
up in the clouds where he almost heard you
And all that we built, and all that we breathed, and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds
is piled up in back
and it burns irrevocably.
(we spoke up in turns,
'till the silence crept over me)
Bless you
and I deeply do
no longer resolute and I call to you
But the water got so cold,
and you do lose what you don't hold.
This is an old song,
these are old blues,
and his is not my tune,
but it's mine to use.
And the seabirds where the fear once grew
will flock with a fury,
and they will bury what'd come for you
Down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender
you and I, and a love so tender
is stretched-on the hoop where I stitch-this adage:
"Bless this house and its heart so savage."
And all that I want,
and all that I need
and all that I've got
is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew
is moving away from me.
(and all that I know
is blowing like tumbleweed)
And the mealy worms in the brine will burn
in a salty pyre, among the fauns and ferns.
And the love we hold, and the love we spurn,
will never grow cold
only taciturn.
And I'll tell you tomorrow.
Sadie, go on home now.
And bless those who've sickened below;
bless us who've chosen so.
And all that I've got
and all that I need
I tie in a knot
that I lay at your feet.
And I have not forgot,
but a silence crept over me.
(So dig up your bone,
exhume your pinecone, my sadie)
Okay, everyone, I've got a fairly simple favor to ask:
Please to be linking me to your favorite job-search websites. In the past Monster.com has been really useless to me, and I've had some luck with craigslist, but I feel like that's always been kind of a fluke thing. So, if you know of any job searching sites that have worked for you, let me at 'em!
Thanks in advance! Now that I've gotten some fairly good leads with the headache-inducing apartment searching, it's on to the even MORE headache-inducing job search!
Please to be linking me to your favorite job-search websites. In the past Monster.com has been really useless to me, and I've had some luck with craigslist, but I feel like that's always been kind of a fluke thing. So, if you know of any job searching sites that have worked for you, let me at 'em!
Thanks in advance! Now that I've gotten some fairly good leads with the headache-inducing apartment searching, it's on to the even MORE headache-inducing job search!
Hooray, finally got my driver's license renewed and reissued! I can drive again! Doesn't do me much good since I don't have a car, but still.
Despite how much apartment hunting has been frying my brain (I think it actually gave me a headache yesterday) I've found about five really good leads and about five more possibilities, and that makes me happy. It's sad to think that I had go to through hundreds of ads to find most of those leads, but still. It's work and it's paid off, so far.
Now all I have to do is find a job! And move to Atlanta. And decide on an apartment. And move into that apartment. And make sure I have enough money for first months rent and deposits and all that, plus money to live on for the first couple of weeks of whatever job I get.
Okay, now I have a headache again.
Despite how much apartment hunting has been frying my brain (I think it actually gave me a headache yesterday) I've found about five really good leads and about five more possibilities, and that makes me happy. It's sad to think that I had go to through hundreds of ads to find most of those leads, but still. It's work and it's paid off, so far.
Now all I have to do is find a job! And move to Atlanta. And decide on an apartment. And move into that apartment. And make sure I have enough money for first months rent and deposits and all that, plus money to live on for the first couple of weeks of whatever job I get.
Okay, now I have a headache again.
I've been apartment and job searching (focusing on Atlanta) since 11am today.
If you listen closely, you can actually hear my brain frying.
If you listen closely, you can actually hear my brain frying.
Edit: figured I should actually post something substansive. I've been lost in a book all day (Robin McKinley's "A Knot in the Grain" all day long, and have finally re-emerged into the world of the Conscious of Anything But Books.
After spending awhile at my Mom's place out in the country (with no real Internet connection to speak of, it connects at about 20k!) I'm back at my Dad's place for a couple of days so that I can be more serious about searching for jobs and places to live, since there's a good Internet connection at his place. So this week is going to be all about job searching, and also renewing my driver's license and other things that I need to do prepare for moving.
Wherever it is I'm moving to. Right now it looks like my top choices go like this:
1. Moving to Atlanta
2. Staying in Charlottesville
3. Very unlikely, but worth mentioning: D.C.
The choices go in that order, as well. It's terrifying no matter what because I'll be moving with less than a thousand dollars to my name and no matter where I go I'm going to be building a life for myself from scratch. But if I do it, and do it well, I'll be very, very proud of myself.
Wish me luck on job-searching.
As far as everything else goes: no medications as of yet, I haven't been able to find a doctor that I can see that's willing to prescribe anxiety medications. I'm still working on that. I'm sad, of course, and need to cry like a baby every once in awhile (or to choke back tears, I do that about once a day) but I'm not falling apart, and that is a huge improvement over how I've reacted to prior breakups. As much as I'd love to fall off the face of the Earth for a week or two and just spend all my time either crying or reading, I can't, and knowing that I can't is keeping me sane. That and seeing old friends again who I had really missed (without realizing it) and seeing my folks again.
In other news, The Dark Night was amazing and Watchmen needs to come out immediately.
After spending awhile at my Mom's place out in the country (with no real Internet connection to speak of, it connects at about 20k!) I'm back at my Dad's place for a couple of days so that I can be more serious about searching for jobs and places to live, since there's a good Internet connection at his place. So this week is going to be all about job searching, and also renewing my driver's license and other things that I need to do prepare for moving.
Wherever it is I'm moving to. Right now it looks like my top choices go like this:
1. Moving to Atlanta
2. Staying in Charlottesville
3. Very unlikely, but worth mentioning: D.C.
The choices go in that order, as well. It's terrifying no matter what because I'll be moving with less than a thousand dollars to my name and no matter where I go I'm going to be building a life for myself from scratch. But if I do it, and do it well, I'll be very, very proud of myself.
Wish me luck on job-searching.
As far as everything else goes: no medications as of yet, I haven't been able to find a doctor that I can see that's willing to prescribe anxiety medications. I'm still working on that. I'm sad, of course, and need to cry like a baby every once in awhile (or to choke back tears, I do that about once a day) but I'm not falling apart, and that is a huge improvement over how I've reacted to prior breakups. As much as I'd love to fall off the face of the Earth for a week or two and just spend all my time either crying or reading, I can't, and knowing that I can't is keeping me sane. That and seeing old friends again who I had really missed (without realizing it) and seeing my folks again.
In other news, The Dark Night was amazing and Watchmen needs to come out immediately.
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, folks. I've been at my Mom's house,which has a 56k modem, and it really isn't worth trying to get onto SG with that connection.
I've been...okay. Honestly, I've been avoiding feeling as sad as I really am. I tend to start to feel sad when things get quiet and I'm alone, which means I've been watching lots of movies and hanging out with my folks, to avoid that. But obviously I need to feel all that sadness, so I'm going to be housesitting for my Mom and stepdad while they go away for a couple of days. I'll probably cry a lot then, which will suck but will also be healthy.
The thing that has been hurting me the most is thinking about how, someday, another woman is going to get to love Tangus. And she's going to get to do a better job of it, and she's going to get do love him longer and better than I did. I am already so, so jealous of whoever that chick is going to be, and already so ashamed that I didn't do a better job myself.
I went to my old therapist (as in, I saw her when I was a kid and once again as a teen...I hadn't seen her in 10 years before Thursday) the other day. I basicially gave her a short history of the last ten years (to which she responded at one point "well, no WONDER you have anxiety issues!"). At the end of it, she kept exclaiming about how I had made it through so much and how she thought I had come out such a good person. I was depressed for hours afterwards, because I don't FEEL like a good perosn. I feel like a pretty shitty person. I keep thinking about this breakup especially and thinking to myself "all you had to do was love someone, and you didn't do a good job of even that". How can I be such a good person if I can't even manage to love someone and love them well?
Edit: thanks for your kind words everyone. I know in my heart that I didn't do a "bad job" of loving Angus. But when I'm feeling at my worst it's hard to remember that.
I've been...okay. Honestly, I've been avoiding feeling as sad as I really am. I tend to start to feel sad when things get quiet and I'm alone, which means I've been watching lots of movies and hanging out with my folks, to avoid that. But obviously I need to feel all that sadness, so I'm going to be housesitting for my Mom and stepdad while they go away for a couple of days. I'll probably cry a lot then, which will suck but will also be healthy.
The thing that has been hurting me the most is thinking about how, someday, another woman is going to get to love Tangus. And she's going to get to do a better job of it, and she's going to get do love him longer and better than I did. I am already so, so jealous of whoever that chick is going to be, and already so ashamed that I didn't do a better job myself.
I went to my old therapist (as in, I saw her when I was a kid and once again as a teen...I hadn't seen her in 10 years before Thursday) the other day. I basicially gave her a short history of the last ten years (to which she responded at one point "well, no WONDER you have anxiety issues!"). At the end of it, she kept exclaiming about how I had made it through so much and how she thought I had come out such a good person. I was depressed for hours afterwards, because I don't FEEL like a good perosn. I feel like a pretty shitty person. I keep thinking about this breakup especially and thinking to myself "all you had to do was love someone, and you didn't do a good job of even that". How can I be such a good person if I can't even manage to love someone and love them well?
Edit: thanks for your kind words everyone. I know in my heart that I didn't do a "bad job" of loving Angus. But when I'm feeling at my worst it's hard to remember that.
I'm heading into Charlottesville today to spend time with old friends. Hopefully it'll mean my 4th of July will be a good one, though I'm going to be sad to be spending it without Tangus.
I really, really miss him.
I know things will get better, but when it hurts, it really hurts.
Anyway, happy 4th of July everyone!
I really, really miss him.
I know things will get better, but when it hurts, it really hurts.
Anyway, happy 4th of July everyone!
As if things didn't suck enough already, I woke up this morning with a tick in my ear.
A tick.
IN MY EAR.
Also, I cried for about an hour last night. I cried so much I think a broke a blood vessel right below my eye. Yes, I know that's totally gross and unsexy. I needed that cry though. I still have a lot more crying waiting to happen, I can feel it build up.
But at least today I'm doing something useful. I'm going to help my dad with his CD-selling business and we're going to go see about renewing my license and making sure my voter registration is set up. I'm also going to see if I qualify for some kind of Prescription Assistance Program (lol PAP) for meds, because I need 'em.
But still, I hurt a lot. Also, there was a tick in my ear. I can't get over how gross that is.
Edit: okay, fuck you world. I just looked up prescription assistance programs that deal with the most common anxiety meds. Guess where the only one is?
Fucking Winter Park, Florida. What.The.Fuck? Someone up there is just making fun of me, seriously. I just LEFT Winter Park, Florida.
Fuck you, Prescription Assistance.
A tick.
IN MY EAR.
Also, I cried for about an hour last night. I cried so much I think a broke a blood vessel right below my eye. Yes, I know that's totally gross and unsexy. I needed that cry though. I still have a lot more crying waiting to happen, I can feel it build up.
But at least today I'm doing something useful. I'm going to help my dad with his CD-selling business and we're going to go see about renewing my license and making sure my voter registration is set up. I'm also going to see if I qualify for some kind of Prescription Assistance Program (lol PAP) for meds, because I need 'em.
But still, I hurt a lot. Also, there was a tick in my ear. I can't get over how gross that is.
Edit: okay, fuck you world. I just looked up prescription assistance programs that deal with the most common anxiety meds. Guess where the only one is?
Fucking Winter Park, Florida. What.The.Fuck? Someone up there is just making fun of me, seriously. I just LEFT Winter Park, Florida.
Fuck you, Prescription Assistance.
Current favorite video: Kenna's "Hellbent":
Favorite current poem?
I'll Take Truth For $1000 by Anna S. Barnett
Man was made
in the image of God:
particularly
Alex Trebek.
I wonder if the guy is omniscient
or what, and if
the great cacophony of answers would resolve
into that mindless theme song
if I could read the questions on his cue card.
clues:
the way trees look through trees, and tears through tears;
smart bombs, dumb jokes, and stain-glass-windowed saints;
stone-pounding oceans pounding on our ears;
an orange, a can of marbles, and some paint.
"what is the meaning of life?" we implore
"what is a grand game of molecular billiards?"
"what is the dead weight of the soul?"
"what is but a dream?"
"what is all we've got?"
when we come back, the Daily Double:
will you risk everything for everything else?
In the Beginning, there was nothing.
then God said, let there be gameshows.
"what's light," I muttered "light, and why is hope?"
"I'm sorry," said a voice, "our time is up."
Favorite current poem?
I'll Take Truth For $1000 by Anna S. Barnett
Man was made
in the image of God:
particularly
Alex Trebek.
I wonder if the guy is omniscient
or what, and if
the great cacophony of answers would resolve
into that mindless theme song
if I could read the questions on his cue card.
clues:
the way trees look through trees, and tears through tears;
smart bombs, dumb jokes, and stain-glass-windowed saints;
stone-pounding oceans pounding on our ears;
an orange, a can of marbles, and some paint.
"what is the meaning of life?" we implore
"what is a grand game of molecular billiards?"
"what is the dead weight of the soul?"
"what is but a dream?"
"what is all we've got?"
when we come back, the Daily Double:
will you risk everything for everything else?
In the Beginning, there was nothing.
then God said, let there be gameshows.
"what's light," I muttered "light, and why is hope?"
"I'm sorry," said a voice, "our time is up."
Well, I'm in Virginia.
I'm hurting.
That's really about it right now. I'm out in the country and it's very quiet here. Sometimes that makes me feel better, sometimes that makes me feel worse. I'm trying to make some plans, keep busy.. I'm going to renew my driver's license, get a new Voter Registration Card, get a new passport, get to the doctor to get some anxiety meds. Look for part time jobs. Try and figure out where the hell I want to go from here. It's all to much to think about. I think about the earlier stuff, going to offices and appointments, because that's easy to comprehend, to fit into some kind of understandable worldview. The other stuff reminds me too much of how much my world has been turned completely upside-down, and the reason I'm here at home is to give myself time to try and make a new world for myself, wherever I decide to go.
But it still sucks really hardcore.
Here are some lyrics:
"Bless you, and I deeply do
no longer resolute and I call to you
But the water go so cold,and you do lose what you don't hold.
This is an old song, these are old blues.
This is not my tune, but it's mine to use
And all that I want, and all that I need
and all that I've got is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew is moving away from me.
And all that I know is blowing like tumbleweed "
I'm hurting.
That's really about it right now. I'm out in the country and it's very quiet here. Sometimes that makes me feel better, sometimes that makes me feel worse. I'm trying to make some plans, keep busy.. I'm going to renew my driver's license, get a new Voter Registration Card, get a new passport, get to the doctor to get some anxiety meds. Look for part time jobs. Try and figure out where the hell I want to go from here. It's all to much to think about. I think about the earlier stuff, going to offices and appointments, because that's easy to comprehend, to fit into some kind of understandable worldview. The other stuff reminds me too much of how much my world has been turned completely upside-down, and the reason I'm here at home is to give myself time to try and make a new world for myself, wherever I decide to go.
But it still sucks really hardcore.
Here are some lyrics:
"Bless you, and I deeply do
no longer resolute and I call to you
But the water go so cold,and you do lose what you don't hold.
This is an old song, these are old blues.
This is not my tune, but it's mine to use
And all that I want, and all that I need
and all that I've got is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew is moving away from me.
And all that I know is blowing like tumbleweed "
