Loving someone, really loving them, is not an easy task.

It's worth mentioning, too, that just because things didn't work out does not mean you are bad at loving him. There are so many complicated factors involved, here, that it is not simply "I screwed up" or "he screwed up." We tend to simplify relationships into those two fields because it makes it easier, but there are weaknesses on both sides.

My guess is that he doesn't feel that you didn't love him well, though I can't be sure. Over time, you'll be able to look back and see the imperfections on both sides - his and yours - and you'll be able to do it objectively. I once broke up with somebody and felt horrible, because there was nothing really wrong with him... he was nice, good to me, etc, etc... why couldn't I love him?

Later, when I could see things from all angles, I started to realize that I had absolved him of all responsibility, which was unfair to me. At the time, I was thinking since I was the one who ended things, I was the problem. The truth was far more complicated than that. The relationship just wasn't "right" for many reasons.

I realize your situation is different, but right now you are finding fault only in yourself (because you ARE a GOOD PERSON), rather than seeing the flaws in the relationship and in both of you. And you need to do that, because that's part of the process, but know that this one event is not a reflection of your entire life and who you are. Your therapist is right - you have come through quite a lot, and developed into a kind, loving, and giving person. Just because things didn't work out in this one instance doesn't mean that you are an overall bad person.

At least, that's my opinion. And I'm always right. (Just ask me.)

*kisses*

I think you are oversimplifying. Loving someone is not a panacea that cures all the problems in a relationship. A break-up is not necessarily a failure of love. In your case, it sounds to me like you loved him very much, and continue to do so.

when y're jealous of that future chick now, y're also excluding yrself from yr own no doubt bright and happy future, within which you will someday be grateful for the space that this painful event created for something new and surprising, and for someone who can love you just exactly as you are with yr human frailties, and whom you can love despite their faults - then it will last and the loving will always be just what is required - don't make the mistake of thinking that y're not already perfect just as you are for the right person at the right time - but hugs b/c we all know that now is the time of raw pain - hang in there

Avoiding the sadness and facing it are both necessary I think. Eventually everyone does both.

The envy and shame you refer to strike a particularly common chord with my own experience. You are quite right: they do hurt the worst. Putting aside the justice or injustice of such feelings, I suppose one must at least say, in their behalf, that they are the crucible of self-making. Honestly confronted, such feelings must necessarily allow one to become better, or at least better to know oneself. It doesn't make them any more pleasant, though.

I hope I am not too presumptuous to say so much. If it proves unhelpful or seems unkind, please impute the failure to foolishness rather than malice.

Best wishes, and good luck.

I know how tough it can be, but I promise you that it does get easier with time ... and, in the end, makes you stronger. Sounds trite, I know, but it's true.

*hugs*

You can't possibly judge your whole character and what kind of person you are based on one event, no matter how much it affects you, because there's a ton of other things that influence your decisions and how you feel.

Tormenting and chastising yourself won't help either, and forgive me while I say I do think you're being awfully hard on yourself. Stop it. Like, at once.

There is no such thing as someone too broken to be fixed.

Now hang on sister, you are a great person. Love is not accounting. There is no debit and credit sheet for the soul. It is not an equation with clear cut and absolute safe answers. It is risk. It is vulnerability. It is change.

So it didn't work out for whatever reason. You are not the first, or the last person to fall in love and have that love fail to be enough to make forever. I have been married to Linda for 13 years and we have been together for 15. Before her there was a gal called Olivia who I spent about 2 1/2 years with. Guess what? I love her still. She still loves me, but that didn't mean we could stay together forever.

Our love was tidal and violent and made wreckage of us both. It was scarring. It was healing. It battered me and her. We broke it off and were broken by it. And that's alright.

Because it made me ready for Linda.

Do not doubt you are where you need to be right now.

Do not doubt you have made the best decisions you could.

Do not doubt yourself. You are wonderful. It will be better. Focus on what is next, not what is past.

And just because laughter is good!

As someone else already said, love isn't always enough for a good relationship. If things don't work out, it's not necessarily anyones fault at all.

I don't know the situation. But you really shouldn't beat yourself up.

Sometimes it is hard for me to decide whether I want to be around people or be left alone, and I get cranky when I realize that I guessed wrong. Each, out of balance, has negative consequences. It is great to spend time with your family, but the alone time will be good, too.

Perhaps your therapist is correct. Your journal dosen't read as a "shitty person" at all.
Hang on....more.

You are a good person and never forget that.

One of these days I'll give you a call.

Your one oof hte Bestest persons I never met