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A very wise friend of mine posted this Bukowski quote the other day-
"it’s always a process of letting go, one way or another"
I am wrapped up in that process right now. I'm trying to let go of this fear and doubt that has been consuming me. I am trying to take a leap of faith. It is fucking terrifying. I have the hardest time trusting in other people. I hold back out of fear and it always hurts more than it helps. But I'm doing it. I gotta let go and allow them to show me. I'm ready to be happy.
I want to be my own boss. I want to make a living doing something creative, and on my own terms. I don't even need to make a ton of money, but enough that I don't have to worry constantly. I know I'm capable of it. I want to travel everywhere. Literally everywhere. I want to move out of Pittsburgh for a while. I want to settle down with a man that I love, who is my best friend, who can be honest and open and vulnerable with me. Someone who shares my interests, who will make art with me, and make me laugh and not cry all the time because he is drunk all the time. I want a little house or apartment with enough space for us and our pets, and maybe enough room to foster some Bostons too. I'm gonna get there one baby step at a time.
I'm still learning so much about life and relationships. Sometimes I think we have these unrealistic expectations of perfection. Or at least maybe I have. That's not to say that you should settle, because you shouldn't. You can't expect someone to be perfect just because they're perfect for you. I've set standards for my partners that perhaps I haven't adhered to myself. Circumstances and certain issues in people's lives can lead them to act in ways that arent really indicative of their true character. That should never be used as a flat out excuse, but when they take tremendous steps in the right direction, and you love them, you probably should let go of your fears and grudges. Cautiously. But if you want something to work, and that person has taken the initiative, you can't hide away and cry about it all the time because you're afraid. Things don't always work out the way you planned them to, but that doesn't mean they won't work themselves out in the way they're supposed to. I know that's cliche, but there's truth to it. I wanna grow up, I wanna get better.
So yeah.
I woke up to this, this morning. And neither of us can blame it on the a-a-a-alchohol this time around.
Ohhhhhh boy.
My boys are cute:
"it’s always a process of letting go, one way or another"
I am wrapped up in that process right now. I'm trying to let go of this fear and doubt that has been consuming me. I am trying to take a leap of faith. It is fucking terrifying. I have the hardest time trusting in other people. I hold back out of fear and it always hurts more than it helps. But I'm doing it. I gotta let go and allow them to show me. I'm ready to be happy.
I want to be my own boss. I want to make a living doing something creative, and on my own terms. I don't even need to make a ton of money, but enough that I don't have to worry constantly. I know I'm capable of it. I want to travel everywhere. Literally everywhere. I want to move out of Pittsburgh for a while. I want to settle down with a man that I love, who is my best friend, who can be honest and open and vulnerable with me. Someone who shares my interests, who will make art with me, and make me laugh and not cry all the time because he is drunk all the time. I want a little house or apartment with enough space for us and our pets, and maybe enough room to foster some Bostons too. I'm gonna get there one baby step at a time.
I'm still learning so much about life and relationships. Sometimes I think we have these unrealistic expectations of perfection. Or at least maybe I have. That's not to say that you should settle, because you shouldn't. You can't expect someone to be perfect just because they're perfect for you. I've set standards for my partners that perhaps I haven't adhered to myself. Circumstances and certain issues in people's lives can lead them to act in ways that arent really indicative of their true character. That should never be used as a flat out excuse, but when they take tremendous steps in the right direction, and you love them, you probably should let go of your fears and grudges. Cautiously. But if you want something to work, and that person has taken the initiative, you can't hide away and cry about it all the time because you're afraid. Things don't always work out the way you planned them to, but that doesn't mean they won't work themselves out in the way they're supposed to. I know that's cliche, but there's truth to it. I wanna grow up, I wanna get better.
So yeah.
I woke up to this, this morning. And neither of us can blame it on the a-a-a-alchohol this time around.
Ohhhhhh boy.My boys are cute:
I feel like this today:
No reason in particular, just caught up in some thoughts. Trying to stay positive though.
Doing an editorial type photoshoot for my store tomorrow. I'm pretty pumped. supervillain is taking the pictures, and my super talented friend Brittney will be doing makeup (she writes a really fun and informative makeup blog that you should all check out . A handful of my ladyfriends will be modeling. They're all strictly streetwear types so I'm really looking forward to transforming them into vintage glamazons! I like to think that I bridge the gap between those two aesthetics so it should be an excellent combo. I hope.
Any of you vegetarian and like to cook? Link me your favorite recipes. I feel so uninspired when it comes to food, I eat out all the time or just make one of three shitty things.
Alright, I'm off to get organized for this shoot tomorrow! Later haters.
No reason in particular, just caught up in some thoughts. Trying to stay positive though.
Doing an editorial type photoshoot for my store tomorrow. I'm pretty pumped. supervillain is taking the pictures, and my super talented friend Brittney will be doing makeup (she writes a really fun and informative makeup blog that you should all check out . A handful of my ladyfriends will be modeling. They're all strictly streetwear types so I'm really looking forward to transforming them into vintage glamazons! I like to think that I bridge the gap between those two aesthetics so it should be an excellent combo. I hope.
Any of you vegetarian and like to cook? Link me your favorite recipes. I feel so uninspired when it comes to food, I eat out all the time or just make one of three shitty things.
Alright, I'm off to get organized for this shoot tomorrow! Later haters.
I am a professional puppy cuddler. Have you ever shared an air mattress with a 160 pound dog? It's F-U-N!
Bin Laden's dead, I'm sure you've heard. Am I alone in thinking it's weird to celebrate someone's death, even an evil person? I mean surely it was a necessary thing buuuuut do we leap for joy in the streets? It's weird.
I know places.
Don't ask me when but ask me why
Don't ask me how but ask me where
There is a road, there is a way
There is a place, there is a place
I know places we can go babe
I love Lykke Li so much. Have you seen her newest video?
That dress.....ooooffffff!
Oh sadness I'm your girl.
This Easter is sort of weird. My family is away, so I'm spending it alone. Not that I really give a shit about Easter, but I feel pretty lonely. I DO have this guy to hang out with though:
SUCH a clown.
My ebay store is going swimmingly. It's SO satisfying to realize 'Shit- I AM pretty damn good at something," to see that I do have an eye for these things, to see my styling and photos making the difference, to realize that I actually do have marketable skills, and that it actually is possible to make a living doing something I really love. My goal is to able to be a full time vintage treasure hunter by the end of September.
Got a fun new photo app:
I've been wanting ombre hair like this:
for a while. I finally feel like my hair is long enough for it to work so I'm thinking about trying it with my natural/the light auburn I have now but it's gonna take sooooo long to grow. And I am impatient.
I want to move out of Pittsburgh, but I don't know where. Thoughts? I like the idea of being autonomous, so it's gotta be somewhere I could still do my vintage thing (and maybe get a part time job) I am just so, so, SO ready for a change of scenery, to get away from shitty memories and shitty people, and something to look forward to.
SUCH a clown.
My ebay store is going swimmingly. It's SO satisfying to realize 'Shit- I AM pretty damn good at something," to see that I do have an eye for these things, to see my styling and photos making the difference, to realize that I actually do have marketable skills, and that it actually is possible to make a living doing something I really love. My goal is to able to be a full time vintage treasure hunter by the end of September.
Got a fun new photo app:
I've been wanting ombre hair like this:
for a while. I finally feel like my hair is long enough for it to work so I'm thinking about trying it with my natural/the light auburn I have now but it's gonna take sooooo long to grow. And I am impatient.
I want to move out of Pittsburgh, but I don't know where. Thoughts? I like the idea of being autonomous, so it's gotta be somewhere I could still do my vintage thing (and maybe get a part time job) I am just so, so, SO ready for a change of scenery, to get away from shitty memories and shitty people, and something to look forward to.
This:
I'm in training to become as cold as ice
I'm determined to protect my feelings, to disguise
And when I said I didn't love you, I told you a lie
Because there is no one above you though I try
I wish my heart was cold
But it's warmer than before
I wish my heart was as cold as the morning dew
But it's as warm as saxophones and honey in the sun for you
This:
On the bus radio
50 ways to leave your lover oh no
I laughed at the irony
But like the stupid the irony got lost on me
Got lost on me...
You challenged me to write a love song
Here it is, I think I got it wrong
I focused on the negative
The pain was too much to write and sing
The pain was too much of an incentive
Always my incentive
When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
Pretty much this album on repeat.
I'm in training to become as cold as ice
I'm determined to protect my feelings, to disguise
And when I said I didn't love you, I told you a lie
Because there is no one above you though I try
I wish my heart was cold
But it's warmer than before
I wish my heart was as cold as the morning dew
But it's as warm as saxophones and honey in the sun for you
This:
On the bus radio
50 ways to leave your lover oh no
I laughed at the irony
But like the stupid the irony got lost on me
Got lost on me...
You challenged me to write a love song
Here it is, I think I got it wrong
I focused on the negative
The pain was too much to write and sing
The pain was too much of an incentive
Always my incentive
When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
Pretty much this album on repeat.
Hi.
Let us first discuss my future husband:
This remix blows until 2:45:
Thanks to AndP for the tip.
I had a really nice day on Thursday. Met up with my girl Liz and her bff Andrea for an early dinner. Andrea is from Italy, so we call him The Eyetalian. Everything he says is bizarre and hilarious. For instance, when completely out of nowehere discussing people coming into his restaurant and ordering a root beer- "Ugh. Deesgusting. 'Um, hiiiii I'd like a herring marinated in mayonnaise and a glass of root beer". Everything he says is made infinitely funnier by his heavy Italian accent. The Eyetalian went to work and Liz and I went back to her apartment where we listened to amaaaazing local bluegrass/country musician Jayke Orvis
(seriously, I love it so much. I thought he was Hank IV or something at first)
and she proceeded to try on an endless parade of weirdo 70s jumpsuits, while I drank a glass of fancy boxed wine and talked to her cats, as per usual. Two of my oldest friends, Tyler and Matt called to say that Big Boi was playing a free show at CMU, so of course we went.
I bet you'd never think this song would make someone cry
but it has that effect on me. Siiigh.
If only all days could be that good. They're getting better, though. Pulling through, one day at a time.
I am running this bitch, you are just a dog walker.
:/
Let us first discuss my future husband:
This remix blows until 2:45:
Thanks to AndP for the tip.
I had a really nice day on Thursday. Met up with my girl Liz and her bff Andrea for an early dinner. Andrea is from Italy, so we call him The Eyetalian. Everything he says is bizarre and hilarious. For instance, when completely out of nowehere discussing people coming into his restaurant and ordering a root beer- "Ugh. Deesgusting. 'Um, hiiiii I'd like a herring marinated in mayonnaise and a glass of root beer". Everything he says is made infinitely funnier by his heavy Italian accent. The Eyetalian went to work and Liz and I went back to her apartment where we listened to amaaaazing local bluegrass/country musician Jayke Orvis
(seriously, I love it so much. I thought he was Hank IV or something at first)
and she proceeded to try on an endless parade of weirdo 70s jumpsuits, while I drank a glass of fancy boxed wine and talked to her cats, as per usual. Two of my oldest friends, Tyler and Matt called to say that Big Boi was playing a free show at CMU, so of course we went.
I bet you'd never think this song would make someone cry
but it has that effect on me. Siiigh.
If only all days could be that good. They're getting better, though. Pulling through, one day at a time.
I am running this bitch, you are just a dog walker.
:/
First batch of April auctions are up! The rest go up tomorrow.
You should "like" my store, if you like cool things
How long has it been, shall we get into it again?
Excuse, our disgrace we've had no time to paint the place
The dog is always barking at the mailman
I won't waste your time with my revelation
Hello my friend, I see you're back again
Hello mystery, don't bother to explain
How bout maybe, its all been in my head
Hey well I'm tired of this black & blue, black & blue.
You should "like" my store, if you like cool things
How long has it been, shall we get into it again?
Excuse, our disgrace we've had no time to paint the place
The dog is always barking at the mailman
I won't waste your time with my revelation
Hello my friend, I see you're back again
Hello mystery, don't bother to explain
How bout maybe, its all been in my head
Hey well I'm tired of this black & blue, black & blue.
Hello there.
I've been feeling a little better, I guess. My appetite is returning slowly but surely- I'm back over 100lbs for the first time in about a month! I even had a couple day stretch where I didn't cry at all! Amazeballs! I run the gamut of emotions every day though, usually. I wake up in a bittersweet mood, full of love and longing and a little pity. Then as the day goes on and my thoughts start churning, I feel so angry at the way I was treated at times, disgusted by certain events that transpired right after we broke up. More bitterbitter than bittersweet. Then it all gives way to sadness and confusion. And the cycle starts all over the next day.There are little glimmers of hope in some important decisions having been made, but I try not to become too hopeful, because I've made that mistake in the past. There's so much recovery and sacrifice and work that needs to happen for anything to ever work again. So for now, it's onward, straight ahead, time to focus on myself and what I want for myself for the first time in a very long time. If our paths end up intersecting again under different circumstances, well, (I think) I'd like that very much. But I can't keep holding my breath, because I'm about to suffocate. My friends are awesome, and insane, and hilarious and they take me out and try to cheer me up and introduce me to people. Nobody really interests me though, nobody really gets it. I'm not interested in your stupid pretentious bullshit, or your shitty band or whatever, skinny hipster dudes of the world. Not. For Me. And I'm not about to sleep with some fuggo loser just because they show me some attention. That's lame and pathetic, just not a good look. So it's kinda depressing all around, mind, heart, and vagina. Haha. Buuuuut I'm keeping my chin up.
BLAH BLAH.
Here is the last month or so in photosummary:
That's me for my friend's store, La Strega Bianca Vintage (not to be confused with MY store, the equally good but oh so different Downtown 500 Vintage
I've been feeling a little better, I guess. My appetite is returning slowly but surely- I'm back over 100lbs for the first time in about a month! I even had a couple day stretch where I didn't cry at all! Amazeballs! I run the gamut of emotions every day though, usually. I wake up in a bittersweet mood, full of love and longing and a little pity. Then as the day goes on and my thoughts start churning, I feel so angry at the way I was treated at times, disgusted by certain events that transpired right after we broke up. More bitterbitter than bittersweet. Then it all gives way to sadness and confusion. And the cycle starts all over the next day.There are little glimmers of hope in some important decisions having been made, but I try not to become too hopeful, because I've made that mistake in the past. There's so much recovery and sacrifice and work that needs to happen for anything to ever work again. So for now, it's onward, straight ahead, time to focus on myself and what I want for myself for the first time in a very long time. If our paths end up intersecting again under different circumstances, well, (I think) I'd like that very much. But I can't keep holding my breath, because I'm about to suffocate. My friends are awesome, and insane, and hilarious and they take me out and try to cheer me up and introduce me to people. Nobody really interests me though, nobody really gets it. I'm not interested in your stupid pretentious bullshit, or your shitty band or whatever, skinny hipster dudes of the world. Not. For Me. And I'm not about to sleep with some fuggo loser just because they show me some attention. That's lame and pathetic, just not a good look. So it's kinda depressing all around, mind, heart, and vagina. Haha. Buuuuut I'm keeping my chin up.
BLAH BLAH.
Here is the last month or so in photosummary:
That's me for my friend's store, La Strega Bianca Vintage (not to be confused with MY store, the equally good but oh so different Downtown 500 Vintage
So yeah. Pretty ironic month considering the circumstances. As my emotions have begun to level out, so has my partying. I was kind of acting like a retard, and certainly not helping my case. It wasn't helping much of anything, really. As my personal life-guru Kanye West said, "The plan was to drink until the pain over/but whats worse? The pain or the hangover?"
I am still completely in love with Gnucci Banana:
I love that she and her husband (Spoek Mathambo) are always collaborating musically. To be on the same level creatively with your significant other and to be able to bounce back and forth off each other like that, travel all around the world and do your thaaaang- total dream. I thought I had that once, buuuuut....too much other bullshit was in the way.
Clearly I've far surpassed the number of words people are going to read/pictures people are gonna look at, so I'll stop now.
Later haters.
