Shit is fucked up. Like super fucked up. I don't know what else to say. I'm thankful for my friends who go out of their way to cheer me up and get me out of the house. And my family for helping me out, and my dog for being the greatest thing ever. My heart is broken. So much bullshit, so many excuses, without facing the real issues. It's all so confusing, such a mindfuck. He says he wants things to work out for us someday, that he can't imagine his life without me, but we broke up because he wouldn't say it but he doesn't want to do the things necessary to fix our relationship? You know, crazy shit like agreeing to stop going out at night and not coming home until the next or spending a little less time with the bottle and a little more time paying attention to the woman he says he loves but in actuality treats like his roommate. For the longest time i was convinced there must be someone on the side but i realize now that there wasnt. Just booze. There might be now though, I'm not really sure but it isn't my problem now. Holy mixed signals. I wish I could erase the past five years of my life. I really, really do. I am far from perfect but I'm a damn good woman and I deserve to be treated as such. I put in so much work and got next to nothing in return. All I ever wanted was someone who would be there for me when I needed him, someone who'd be there when I woke up in the morning, who would make me feel safe and loved, someone who really, really cared. Someone for whom I'd be #1, and vice versa. Us against the world. I thought I had found that person, but I guess I was wrong. If your best friend can't be that person, who can? It's so depressing.

I want to get out of this city. It's time. I love Pittsburgh, but I need to leave. I want to move to Philly but I don't think it's wise to go by myself and I don't know anyone who will move with me. Ugh.


Puppy chaser.