Sorry I disappeared again. I've been so busy. School started last week, and I started with an overload of classes so that I would be safe to drop one if I didn't like it. I have the weirdest schedule this semester. But I think it will be fun.

The most interesting class that I have is in Women's Studies. The topic for the semester is "Feminism and Pornography."

The required texts for the class are "Tales From the Clit" and the March or April issue of Hustler. The teacher is really cool, but believe it or not, it's a difficult class.

I'm also taking Self Defense, Quilting, Sewing, Personality, and Basic Drawing. Haha, I know, Quilting? It's more sewing practice for me, and layed back. It makes my weeks more interesting.

The only thing about school, is that even though I cut my hours at my job during the semester, the few hours that I do work, I'm always so tired and have little energy. Then I pretty much feel useless. Oh well. It's just retail anyway.

What else? There's a local filmaker that asked me to take part in a movie he's shooting. He shot my scenes last week. It was so weird. I've never done anything like that before. Also, I hate cameras. I'm sure that doesn't make much sense to you.

A few days later, I modeled for a local photographer. I don't like saying "modeled." It sounds so...I don't know...prissy?

Hopefully I'll get used to my new schedule really soon. Really really soon. One thing, I need to start sleeping for more than 4 and 5 hours at night. That should help.

It's so early, and I've been up for almost 24 hours now. I'm not going to bed because I have to leave in a couple of hours for an appointment.

My comp is being especially retarded since I've now been online for 6 hours. I've been trying to rearrange my class schedule, and it was eating me alive. I almost have it figured out. I've been working on it for days. The good thing is it's my last semester at this school. I'll be moving out of Wisconsin and going to school elsewhere. It looks like Chicago right now. Fashion Design is my destination, and I'm really excited.

It's been 3 weeks and a few days now. My stomach still twists into knots just thinking of him. Not in a way where he makes me sick, it just feels like punches in the gut. Actually, I cry everytime I think of any part of it. No matter where I am. But, like I said weeks ago, I know it will get worse before it gets better.

I had a couple of things which belonged to him. He didn't ask for their return, but I couldn't stand the idea of keeping them. I meant to send it to him weeks ago. Finally, one day, I swore the package was surrounding me with negative energy. I thought that because these items were still in my house, it must've been the reason for the constant sadness.

I got rid of them, sent them back. I don't think it helped as much as I had expected. Oh well.

I'm still breathing, right? At least I think I am.

I took pictures with my best friend.





And my new faux hawk

It still hurts. So bad. It's all I think about, but I've been doing my best to keep it out of work. Except, it's kind of hard because they're always asking me how I'm doing, and taking me out.

I went to a strip club last week with my assistant manager. It was fun.

I told myself I'd be strong, and that I wouldn't resort to any self destructive behaviors.

Then, I remembered Kansas City. We were in our hotel. He lifted my arm, ran his finger over the scars and kissed them. "You don't have to do this anymore, you have me now." Though it had been a year that we were together, it was the first time I actually felt that I could let it go. In my head I thought, "he's right, I do have him now, I don't need this anymore."

That's changed now. I tried so hard to be strong enough these 2 weeks, but to no avail.

There is one thing that came out of this break up that I am happy about. No seriously, and I'm not being sarcastic. I've lost a bit of weight and for the first time ever, I'm 99 lbs. It's the best feeling, especially as I am such a small person (59'').

But, a new year is about to begin. I feel many changes approaching. I'm thinking of moving to Chicago for school next year. It's just a thought for now.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, or whatever you celebrate. I finally got a digital camera for christmas from my big sister. Now, I can post pictures!

Thanks for the support everyone.

And a week and a half later after he asked for my forgiveness, proclaimed his profound love for me, and tells me he made a big mistake by breaking up with me, he stops calling, and appears very uninterested in my conversation. I'm not stupid, I knew something was up. But, since he's been super sweet, and trustworthy for over a year, I felt it unneccessary to ask if there was something else going on that I didn't know about.

So, he makes plans to come up here, meet me in Chicago, and take me shopping for Christmas because he didn't know what to get for me as gifts. That's bullshit, he knows everything that I love. Anyways, he gets us a hotel, and 2 days later I get a voicemail. I got out of work late that night around 11. I reached my car, anxious to get home to pack, and bake his favorite sweets for a surprise. Instead I sat paralyzed in my car for about 20 minutes.

Voicemail: "Hey, my battery might die on my phone so I won't be able to talk later. Sorry i have to leave you a message like this, but I won't be able to make it tomorrow. I know we just got back together, but the truth is, I broke up with you because I met someone else. I felt bad, so I tried to make my feeligs go away for this person, but I can't. I knew I couldn't come to Chicago in good conscience knowing that I would have to be upfront and honest with you about my situation. So, I'm coming clean to you. I'm sorry things had to be like this, but I had to come clean. Once again, I'm sorry I had to leave you a message like this. Goodbye."

Mmmm. Where do I begin? The first time he broke up with me , he EMAILED me! ON THANKSGIVING!! I still haven't talked to him. The next day, he called and left a message to tell me that the girl is a really good friend of 10 years, and they've been trying to get together for years but they're always with someone else. She just got a divorce. So he decided to high tail it out of the relationship to be with her. Well, she does live in his teeny weeny hometown. So there ya go.

I'm so glad I'm not a revengeful person. I mean, talk about getting shit on. But, I'm cool.

So ladies and gentleman, the poor boy's reasoning wasn't because he's going to Iraq and he's scared, it was because of another girl that he's been dying to be with for the last 10 years of his life. Our year and half relatonship meant nothing to him compared to that.

"He's a great guy, faithful, loving, caring, honest, strong, considerate." If you take all those words and fill them in with the opposites, that would be what he REALLY is.

Jason, it's been real. Thanks for "brightening" my Thanksgiving and my Christmas.

By the way, anyone want chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting? I have a whole batch of them which he won't be eating.

Wow, what a week.

The boy called and said he made a big mistake, asked me to forgive him, and asked if he could have me back. We had been broken up for a week.

It takes a real man to step up and admit his wrong doing. He had nothing but sweet things to say to me, and apologized a million times.

I started my new job last week. It's going very well. I hated the store I was at before. It made me so unhappy, and the pay was terrible.

School is ending in less than 2 weeks. I have so much to do.

I really appreciated all of your well wishes for my broken heart. But alas, it has been mended.

jason broke with me because he's leaving for Iraq soon.

I guess the military guys make nothing but extreme decisions when they're leaving for war. They either marry you, or leave you.

I didn't want to get married, I just wanted to be his sweet little supportive girlfriend. And I wanted us to make it through this together. But he says he can't think straight while he's out there, if he has me at home.

I never thought i could be such a burden. That's a bad feeling, you know.

THe Manson Concert was last Friday. I had so much fun. I was right in the front row. Mmmmm, Mmmmanson. His new little haircut is so hot on him. He' s orgasmic.

So some of you actually helped me find a support group on here to help me deal with my shoogah leaving for Iraq. I really appreciate it.

I have had a bad beginning to a week. My manager and I are in the middle of a battle. She's not being very nice at this present moment.

I'm at school right now. For some reason I haven't been able to access the site from home. My mom's going to call the internet people and find out what's wrong. She feels bad that the SG page won't load. Isn't she sweet?

Weirdest thing. My ex boyfriend stumbled upon this site by accident and saw me on the "buy a membership/log in" page. I hadn't spoken to him in a couple of years. So he bought a membership just to contact me. He's so sweet, and always has been.

I was shocked to get his email, emailed him my phone number and we talked for 2 hours last night. He should be here in town soon, so I'm excited to meet up with him. If he finally posted a journal, say hi emorgul . If he didn't, well then forget it.

I have a test to study for so I should get out of here. Talk to everyone later.

love,
m

I'm so sorry. I had no idea almost a month had passed since I updated. I've got so much on my mind on top of school.

Thank you soooooooo much for all of the "Happy Birthdays!"

I had a pretty good one this year.

I'm going to try my hardest to respond to you guys a few at a time. I'm not ignoring anyone.

I have something really important to mention, maybe you'll understand why so much has been on my mind:

My boyfriend is in the ARMY. He's almost on his way out to IRAQ in a few months. I can't keep my concentration stable for more than a few mintues sometimes. All I think of are the terrible things going on over there, and what the people who already have loved ones there must be going through. Oh dear it makes me sick to the stomach.

How many of you know anyone fighting in Iraq right now?
I hope all is going well for you and your loved ones.

Ok, i'll try to lift this up a bit. I can't believe this semester is almost over. It's crazy! I'm glad though.

I've been running into people from my past...what's funny is, it's hasn't been necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. People are people and the past is the past. You'll always wish you could change something, but you just can't.

I really need to get to bed, I have an early class tomorrow.
goodnight!

love
monet

I'm back.

It's been an incredibly long time since I've been whole heartedly active on the site. I've had some personal duties to attend to.

I missed everyone, and thank you for the 6+ pages of comments.

School is fully blown at this point for the semester; papers, exams, quizzes, reading until my optic nerves disintegrate.

How is everyone? I'll try to catch up on your journals.