It's my birthday in 4 days.. and I'm alone in a foreign country.. o well. Seems there's THREE BC gals with the same Bday.. too bad we couldn't all drink some tequila together.

I'm getting antsy for my set to go up... but I've already shot another one... so now I don't really feel like the first one shows ME.. the second one is much closer and way cooler... but O WELL gotta wait like the rest. They are both good because Lavonne the awesome did them.

And... that's all I've got for now.

Here's me this afternoon looking out the window... and looking very tired indeed.

There's a big loud FIESTA going on right underneath us.. hahah.. Mother's Day or something..

I flushed all the coke.

And just emailed off everything I need including the deposit to get into the program I want for school for September, back home in Van.. so fingers crossed all goes accordingly. As for the next few weeks.. they should be interesting as to where I end up and how long it takes me to get home but.. in the words of Dallas Green...

"I'm coming home"

What to do when the maid lets your brother's drug dealer in, and you can't communicate with either of them? Ask him how much he owes the guy, that's easy enough, 120,000pesos, okay so I give it to the guy and he sticks 5 sacks of coke in my hand. Whatever, at least he left. Anyone want some coke?

Just kidding... where's the toilet?

Where do I even start about my shitty morning? I'll start with my good night.

So a friend of a friend of Sally showed me around Medellin a little last night, mostly the neighbourhood I live in. We got a tea and chatted cause he speaks English. Was kinda nice to get away from my brother and out of the apartment for a while. See I haven't gone out to do anything because I am a little scared. I don't speak any Spanish and my brother is kind of an introvert most of the time. Reason being is he (up until last night) was a recovered drug addict/alcoholic for probably almost 6 months now. And his two front teeth are fake form an accident when he was 12 and he's in the process of getting them replaced, so right now he doesn't have any. So.. he doesn't want to go anywhere people will know him, he's also taking Acutane (for acne) and you aren't suppose to go out in the sun, and since he **doesn't do drugs or drink** he doesn't really wanna go to bars or anything. I'm totally okay with that.. I don't need to drink to be social.. but anyways it's been almost two weeks here and I've pretty much sat on Sg, facebook, myspace and my blogsite and cooked food out of boredom. So going for a little motorbike ride last night with a local boy was fun.

Not long after I went to bed I woke up and thought I was going to die. I won't get into details about it because they aren't pleasant, but lets just say I'm pretty sure I lost at least 5 pounds over night and am severely dehydrated. **sipping water here** So after a terrible sleep, or lack there of, I woke up and I'm starving. I'm kind of afraid to eat anything though.. so I thought I'd get something easy on the stomach. I'm outta oatmeal so I made a pancake outta quinoa flour and water with a sliced banana ontop.. seemed to do the trick though my insides are bubbling around. Then... my bro wakes up and I say "did you miss you dentist appointment?", he was all excited about getting some temp teeth put in first thing this morning.. and he's like "ya that's what happens when you fuck up".

So.. here I'm going to just say that before he ever bought the ticket for me to come down here I wrote him an email after he went home, from Van back to Colombia in February. In it I told him how much fun I'd had hanging out with him in Vancouver, how he's a really cool guy when he's sober and that I"m really looking forward to coming to Colombia to stay with him but only if he stays that way. I told him if I get here and find out that he's doing anything bad that I'll be on the first plane home.

So I said "what do you mean??" and he says "I did some coke, not much..". So... That's my shitty morning. Aside from thinking that my body has a death warrant out for me, and I've made tentative plans to go to go see Sally in a couple weeks... do I stick to what I said? I guess I'll let a couple of days pass and see what happens. I also don't want to be the one to abandon him, but fuck. I've had enough of this over the last five years, I don't really think there's anything I can say or do that will change anything he does.. it never has. And to make it worse a small part of me is a little.. energetic... because I want to go home, but that's just the homesick blues talking. And it's my birthday next Thursday and I'm not going to have anyone around to celebrate it with, even just have a piece of cake with, because if he follows routine, which is once he does it he'll do it again, he'll be to fucked up. So I'll give it a couple days... maybe I'll go to the coast for a few days which is what I said I'd do if this happens. I have enough credit under my belt to book myself into a resort or something and just relax, soak up some rays, make the plane ticket he bought worth it... go see Sally and leave from there.

This is all a bunch of rambling, maybe I should just have some faith in him but it's hard when you've seen the same thing happen over and over and over again. So.. guess I'll see. In the meantime I'm going to lay down and hope that I don't die in my sleep.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast

So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?

*Not my words but hey..

This is what happens after you watch a children's movie with your brother that makes you cry and you have nothing better to do afterwards even though it's late at night and you look like crap... the movie BTW was "Bridge to Terabithia".

Holy freckles batman.

Do you guys ever feel like you are subconsciously yet totally consciously sabotaging good things that are going on in your life? Could be anything really.. I mean I've done it lots but today is a perfect example of one I do all the time. I get all pumped about going to the gym and feel really good after a sweaty workout.. then I come home and eat so much I can barely move thus completely making my trip to the gym pointless and making me feel shittier than before I went. That's just one.

I also added a "Food" section to the pics on my blogsite http://meshellsuicide.com for the creations I'm making while in Colombia...

I don't know what to do anymore... about anything.

Today is one of those days... where I don't know what to think. About anything.

I miss home a lot today yet at the same time I hate it.
I know it's only been a few days but I kinda wish I didn't have to depend on my brother for everything and that I knew a little Spanish so I could go on some adventures. At the same time we had fun at the zoo today with my niece and we made lunch together again - home made lentil patties and hummus with some fresh avacado!

Some super cheesy touristy photos of me looking like I'm posing but whatever







I just hate the days when you look in the mirror or pass your reflection in a window.. and are disgusted.. and those happen far too frequently lately that is a little ridiculous and I'm starting to think I might need some help. Or a cute boy to swoon me with some sexy Spanish words hahahaah.

Okay so I'm in Medellin, COLOMBIA! WOOP!! The trip was long, the arrival was awesome... and I'm lovin it. My bro made me a blogsite where I can update and put up crap loads of pics (which I have of the party and the arrival) http://meshellsuicide.com

In the meantime... I'm taking it easy, cooking, went to the gym tonight. Trying to get back into a somewhat normal healthy routine after that last crazy week in Vancouver!!! I did upload some into my pics on here so check it out and.. redmess thanks for the book recommendation once again! I started 100 Years of Solitude and I'm loving it! and I've been chatting with Sally and Zeta (SG's from Colombia) on MSN and Zeta gave me a list of Vegan friendly products to look for at the grocery store as feeding myself is the hardest part about being here.

I miss Vancouver tons, especially FaerieBad, but.. I love it here...