PICS
TC B 103 Room E
Nothing here is mine. Just the lilac dress on the floor. I pull back the curtain. I turn the handle. Cold water spurts from the shower head on the wall. I turn the handle again. Warmer, warm enough. I step into the weak stream of water. I squint as it runs over the back of my head. I feel it start to rush over my forehead and drip off of my chin. I run my hands through my hair.The oil feels smooth between my fingers. I reach for a bottle. It isn't mine. It smells different. I run its contents through my clumped locks. Rinse. I reach for another bottle and open it. It smells different. Like a man. I laugh. "It smells like a man." Smell my wet skin, I'll smell like a man. Rinse. I smell like a man. I step away from the steady stream and put my face against my shoulder, take in a deep breath. A comfort to inhale such a strong scent. This scent carries so many memories. After a moment of holding my eyes shut tight and trying to pull every memory of this smell together, I take one last deep sigh before I open them again, leaving the memories to the mercy of my temporal lobe. Will they be forgotten? I leave it up to fate and step back into the water.
There is nothing left for me to do. I should turn it off and search for a clean towel. I can't bring my hands to complete these actions. With my arms pulled hard against my chest and my hands wiping water from my face, my body refuses to leave the succor of the shower. The day, the days, the months, the year, wash down the drain with the oils and suds. Unable to get out, yet feeling weary from the day's travels, I find myself dropping to the floor, sitting with my forehead on my knees, arms wrapped around my shins. My fingers run across scars. Swollen from the hot water, more noticeable. The tips of my fingers push against the soft tissue. I laugh. Such a lack of grace in my movements have left me with these keepsakes. Momentary pain leads to a lifetime of remembrance.
How much time has passed? No way to tell. No clock ticking to remind me that seconds are flying by. Complete detachment. Time is passing, but I am unaware. Unlike those beyond the curtain, I am immune through ignorance. They pass the time in 30 minutes intervals of TV shows or countdowns 'til the next moment in their lives. Behind the curtain, underwater, I am not victim of this decay of time.
------- A big thanks to the guys in B 103 for letting me use your shower. While incredibly dirty and slighty moldy, it was always a sanctuary for the weary with waters of rebirth. Je t'aime tous.
Nothing here is mine. Just the lilac dress on the floor. I pull back the curtain. I turn the handle. Cold water spurts from the shower head on the wall. I turn the handle again. Warmer, warm enough. I step into the weak stream of water. I squint as it runs over the back of my head. I feel it start to rush over my forehead and drip off of my chin. I run my hands through my hair.The oil feels smooth between my fingers. I reach for a bottle. It isn't mine. It smells different. I run its contents through my clumped locks. Rinse. I reach for another bottle and open it. It smells different. Like a man. I laugh. "It smells like a man." Smell my wet skin, I'll smell like a man. Rinse. I smell like a man. I step away from the steady stream and put my face against my shoulder, take in a deep breath. A comfort to inhale such a strong scent. This scent carries so many memories. After a moment of holding my eyes shut tight and trying to pull every memory of this smell together, I take one last deep sigh before I open them again, leaving the memories to the mercy of my temporal lobe. Will they be forgotten? I leave it up to fate and step back into the water.
There is nothing left for me to do. I should turn it off and search for a clean towel. I can't bring my hands to complete these actions. With my arms pulled hard against my chest and my hands wiping water from my face, my body refuses to leave the succor of the shower. The day, the days, the months, the year, wash down the drain with the oils and suds. Unable to get out, yet feeling weary from the day's travels, I find myself dropping to the floor, sitting with my forehead on my knees, arms wrapped around my shins. My fingers run across scars. Swollen from the hot water, more noticeable. The tips of my fingers push against the soft tissue. I laugh. Such a lack of grace in my movements have left me with these keepsakes. Momentary pain leads to a lifetime of remembrance.
How much time has passed? No way to tell. No clock ticking to remind me that seconds are flying by. Complete detachment. Time is passing, but I am unaware. Unlike those beyond the curtain, I am immune through ignorance. They pass the time in 30 minutes intervals of TV shows or countdowns 'til the next moment in their lives. Behind the curtain, underwater, I am not victim of this decay of time.
------- A big thanks to the guys in B 103 for letting me use your shower. While incredibly dirty and slighty moldy, it was always a sanctuary for the weary with waters of rebirth. Je t'aime tous.
Things are a bit weird. School is coming to a close, but I feel the pressure of the summer crushing down on me. I see my ex about once a week, but no matter how hard I try, I'm still in love. He was my best friend, my partner in crime, and now, I'm searching desperately for a way to do things without him. It's going better, but I can't believe that its been nearly a month. It's been the fastest month ever. It's been the most interesting month ever.
My dearest, dearest D---- may be here soon. He is the greatest friend ever. We've known each other for about 2 years, and since then, we've been the closest of friends. We are so much alike. Lovers of the arts, humor, and the experiences of life. We've both been through very rough childhoods and we both have dysfunctional families. He will be staying with me for the summer. The company is very much needed. I just hope that we can handle living together. The other night, we had somewhat of a strange time. I'm very physically clingy when I drink, and he enjoys my attention. We danced. I was told to stop dancing so good. We talked about our sex lives, a first for us. I stayed with him. I fell asleep at the foot of his bed, curled up under his blanket, holding his pillow. We woke up around 4:30 and I went to the couch. It was just strange. So very very very strange. I'm going to see him tomorrow to talk about his moving in with me., I hope it goes through. It would be a fabulous summer!
So on Saturday, I had the most fabulous night! It was the final big party for my friends at their school. I miss them so much so it was rad to get to hang out with them. I had a few beers, traded clothes with a friend of mine, and played war drums until my hands and legs were bruised. For a small white girl, I've got some crazy bongo rhythm! Haha!
Stuff I've been listening to the lately:
^I love that movie
^ Oh Joey, you're rad. I just wish the video was better quality.
My dearest, dearest D---- may be here soon. He is the greatest friend ever. We've known each other for about 2 years, and since then, we've been the closest of friends. We are so much alike. Lovers of the arts, humor, and the experiences of life. We've both been through very rough childhoods and we both have dysfunctional families. He will be staying with me for the summer. The company is very much needed. I just hope that we can handle living together. The other night, we had somewhat of a strange time. I'm very physically clingy when I drink, and he enjoys my attention. We danced. I was told to stop dancing so good. We talked about our sex lives, a first for us. I stayed with him. I fell asleep at the foot of his bed, curled up under his blanket, holding his pillow. We woke up around 4:30 and I went to the couch. It was just strange. So very very very strange. I'm going to see him tomorrow to talk about his moving in with me., I hope it goes through. It would be a fabulous summer!
So on Saturday, I had the most fabulous night! It was the final big party for my friends at their school. I miss them so much so it was rad to get to hang out with them. I had a few beers, traded clothes with a friend of mine, and played war drums until my hands and legs were bruised. For a small white girl, I've got some crazy bongo rhythm! Haha!
Stuff I've been listening to the lately:
^I love that movie
^ Oh Joey, you're rad. I just wish the video was better quality.
I don't know where I'm going. My mind isn't clear. My thoughts are scattered. My heart feels like it's using every last ounce of life that I've got just to give me one more beat. I've tried to hide it, but I just need one second to be weak. I tired of pulling myself together. I need a moment to fall apart. Tears so hot they sting as they run down my cheeks. Sobs that have closed off my throat. Anything to fill the silence, the loneliness.
I showed up at her door
No gifts or explanations for
The way that i'd been actin
Father time just kept on passin
I tried to kiss her lips
She said, let's put an end to this
A simple overreaction
It sent my head into a backspin
I don't know where to run
She was a teenage girl
I made sure to promise her the world
Spend money fast as lightning
Anything just to keep her smiling
My voice was all she heard
Sentences filled with empty words
Oh i thought i was so clever
Never knew that our line would sever
I don't know where to run
I don't know where to run
I, i have nowhere to run
I wake up on the floor
My head replays that closing door
My heart won't stop rewinding
Inside clocks all out of timing
She starts to disappear
They'll be no turning back from here
When all is said and done
And i begin
To run
- Josiah Leming, a friend of my ex. His stuff is wonderful. Look him up. I've been listening to him a lot today.
I showed up at her door
No gifts or explanations for
The way that i'd been actin
Father time just kept on passin
I tried to kiss her lips
She said, let's put an end to this
A simple overreaction
It sent my head into a backspin
I don't know where to run
She was a teenage girl
I made sure to promise her the world
Spend money fast as lightning
Anything just to keep her smiling
My voice was all she heard
Sentences filled with empty words
Oh i thought i was so clever
Never knew that our line would sever
I don't know where to run
I don't know where to run
I, i have nowhere to run
I wake up on the floor
My head replays that closing door
My heart won't stop rewinding
Inside clocks all out of timing
She starts to disappear
They'll be no turning back from here
When all is said and done
And i begin
To run
- Josiah Leming, a friend of my ex. His stuff is wonderful. Look him up. I've been listening to him a lot today.
I took all friggin afternoon to upload on Youtube, and now it's all wonky. Forgive me and enjoy my funny faces followed by my squeaky little voice.
I'm so retarded, it's not even funny.
I should be writing a paper. It's 7:30.... it may get done before 12. Maybe.
School's almost over. My friends are having a big going away party before they go home for the summer. My ex will be there. So will I in a very cute, short dress.
I'm so retarded, it's not even funny.
I should be writing a paper. It's 7:30.... it may get done before 12. Maybe.
School's almost over. My friends are having a big going away party before they go home for the summer. My ex will be there. So will I in a very cute, short dress.
I have so much to say. So very much to say. Bear with me.
Stop trying to fill the void. It's impossible to do. You will only hurt yourself and whoever you are trying to shove in the hole that's left there. There is a hole there, deal with it. Don't dwell on it. By spending your time trying to force something in that giant, gaping hole, you are just going to rip it open even more. Just accept that it's going to take time for it to close up. It's going to be a hell of a time and it's going to hurt, but healing always does.
It's easier to justify when you turn the other person into a monster. It's easier to hate them when you've painted them with fangs and claws in your mind. Really, they aren't the beast you've imagined. They are just like you. You've got just as many faults as they do. Get off of your pedestal and get a clue. You've fucked up too. You've hurt others too. You've hurt them. Stop pretending that they weren't worth your time. Stop pretending that you thought they were horrible all along. You didn't. You loved them. You still do. It's just easier to "get over" them when you can make them out to be a bloodsucking devil.
Don't feel bad for being hurt. It doesn't make you weak. So what, you can't pretend that nothing happened and walk around with a giant Miss America smile all the time? That doesn't make you pathetic. You aren't being stupid when you get that little pain in your heart when you find something they've left behind. There are a lot of memories there. Good ones, believe it or not. Trying to deny those feelings is not going to make them go away. They are going to fester and eat at your insides like a malicious virus, and they will kill you, maybe not literally, but you are either going to wish you were dead or you are going to be emotionally devastated. When you look down and find the little ring they gave you, smile, cry, and go on. When you see the blood stain on the pillow case next to you, laugh because it was funny when they had a nose bleed in the middle of sex, cry because they aren't there, and go on.
Most of all, realize, it's not the end. You've got shit to do. Lots of shit. Pay those bills, clean your living room, study, finish your work, watch Paranormal State reruns, drink at your friends birthday party and end up on the bathroom floor and wake up the next day going "What the FUCK?". Do it all. Don't do it to try and look normal. Do it because now you have time to do whatever you want. You can just nurse that hangover on your couch in your undies with your cats and back to back episodes of "The Exterminators". You can. It's time to figure out what it is you want to do, who you are, and where you are going. It's time to build a real life around yourself, and not someone else. Sometimes, you both just need to have time to figure out who you are again before you can figure out if you fit together. It may take weeks, months, years, but someday, you may grow into two people who can love each other AND be together.
Of course, all of this is coming from a girl who decided to put her ear bud in her bellybutton just now.
Stop trying to fill the void. It's impossible to do. You will only hurt yourself and whoever you are trying to shove in the hole that's left there. There is a hole there, deal with it. Don't dwell on it. By spending your time trying to force something in that giant, gaping hole, you are just going to rip it open even more. Just accept that it's going to take time for it to close up. It's going to be a hell of a time and it's going to hurt, but healing always does.
It's easier to justify when you turn the other person into a monster. It's easier to hate them when you've painted them with fangs and claws in your mind. Really, they aren't the beast you've imagined. They are just like you. You've got just as many faults as they do. Get off of your pedestal and get a clue. You've fucked up too. You've hurt others too. You've hurt them. Stop pretending that they weren't worth your time. Stop pretending that you thought they were horrible all along. You didn't. You loved them. You still do. It's just easier to "get over" them when you can make them out to be a bloodsucking devil.
Don't feel bad for being hurt. It doesn't make you weak. So what, you can't pretend that nothing happened and walk around with a giant Miss America smile all the time? That doesn't make you pathetic. You aren't being stupid when you get that little pain in your heart when you find something they've left behind. There are a lot of memories there. Good ones, believe it or not. Trying to deny those feelings is not going to make them go away. They are going to fester and eat at your insides like a malicious virus, and they will kill you, maybe not literally, but you are either going to wish you were dead or you are going to be emotionally devastated. When you look down and find the little ring they gave you, smile, cry, and go on. When you see the blood stain on the pillow case next to you, laugh because it was funny when they had a nose bleed in the middle of sex, cry because they aren't there, and go on.
Most of all, realize, it's not the end. You've got shit to do. Lots of shit. Pay those bills, clean your living room, study, finish your work, watch Paranormal State reruns, drink at your friends birthday party and end up on the bathroom floor and wake up the next day going "What the FUCK?". Do it all. Don't do it to try and look normal. Do it because now you have time to do whatever you want. You can just nurse that hangover on your couch in your undies with your cats and back to back episodes of "The Exterminators". You can. It's time to figure out what it is you want to do, who you are, and where you are going. It's time to build a real life around yourself, and not someone else. Sometimes, you both just need to have time to figure out who you are again before you can figure out if you fit together. It may take weeks, months, years, but someday, you may grow into two people who can love each other AND be together.
Of course, all of this is coming from a girl who decided to put her ear bud in her bellybutton just now.
Awesome Day, Awesome Pictures:
I really love my boys. I miss chilling with them so much. Thanks for the beer and the photo fun guys. I will be back for the party!
I really love my boys. I miss chilling with them so much. Thanks for the beer and the photo fun guys. I will be back for the party!
Yawn! I'm mega tired, but I feel compelled to write a little.
1) I went out with a friend from work on Saturday. I had a nice big glass of wine at her place and her friend drove us to a pizza place where everyone was hanging out for a birthday party for a co-worker. I felt good after just the one glass of wine and a glass of beer. It was a good warm feeling. Our driver was a guy I had never met before, but he was a really nice guy. We were wearing very similar shoes, so he has good taste in footwear. I spent most of the night talking to him, since we were on the end of the table and he didn't know anyone except the people he had come with. I just don't like people to feel left out.
At work tonight, one of the girls came up to me and was like, "So I heard that you spent all night talking to B____'s friend when you guys were out?" I was just like, "Where did you hear that?" B_____ had told her that I had been talking to him and that she thought we would make a cute couple. I think that's sweet, but I kind of just want to have fun right now, but if he is up for that, well, game on.
2) I have to see my very recent ex tomorrow. Maybe not. I could get lucky. I'm going to his apartment because I am shooting with one of his roommates for his band. I'm really excited about the photo tiime though. I love my boys and it's going to be a nice day out tomorrow. It's really just a big joke since they aren't a serious band, but a spoofy jam band, but we plan on making it look so artsy and serious with ridiculous subtle humor.
3) Puscifer saved me. End of story. Thanks Maynard. I've never jammed so hard in my ghetto, ducttaped SUV. "Lighten Up Francis" makes me want to dance in my undies infront of the mirror, not to mention the fact that it kind of makes me wish a I had a dick so I could use some of the lyrics as pickup lines. I just wish I could find the correct lyrics online. None of them are the same, and I just don't really trust any of those shitty lyrics sites. I just have a sudden urge to smack a nice round ass.
4) I bought some rad glasses. I can't wait until I am naked infront of some guy, and he asks "Aren't you going to take those off?" and I'm gonna say, "Fuck no, bitch. These are my birthcontrol glasses. I'm sick of paying $9 a month for that damn pill!" I really hope I get the chance to use that sometime in my life.
PS I have a feather 'stache. It tickles when I kiss the ladies.
1) I went out with a friend from work on Saturday. I had a nice big glass of wine at her place and her friend drove us to a pizza place where everyone was hanging out for a birthday party for a co-worker. I felt good after just the one glass of wine and a glass of beer. It was a good warm feeling. Our driver was a guy I had never met before, but he was a really nice guy. We were wearing very similar shoes, so he has good taste in footwear. I spent most of the night talking to him, since we were on the end of the table and he didn't know anyone except the people he had come with. I just don't like people to feel left out.
At work tonight, one of the girls came up to me and was like, "So I heard that you spent all night talking to B____'s friend when you guys were out?" I was just like, "Where did you hear that?" B_____ had told her that I had been talking to him and that she thought we would make a cute couple. I think that's sweet, but I kind of just want to have fun right now, but if he is up for that, well, game on.
2) I have to see my very recent ex tomorrow. Maybe not. I could get lucky. I'm going to his apartment because I am shooting with one of his roommates for his band. I'm really excited about the photo tiime though. I love my boys and it's going to be a nice day out tomorrow. It's really just a big joke since they aren't a serious band, but a spoofy jam band, but we plan on making it look so artsy and serious with ridiculous subtle humor.
3) Puscifer saved me. End of story. Thanks Maynard. I've never jammed so hard in my ghetto, ducttaped SUV. "Lighten Up Francis" makes me want to dance in my undies infront of the mirror, not to mention the fact that it kind of makes me wish a I had a dick so I could use some of the lyrics as pickup lines. I just wish I could find the correct lyrics online. None of them are the same, and I just don't really trust any of those shitty lyrics sites. I just have a sudden urge to smack a nice round ass.
4) I bought some rad glasses. I can't wait until I am naked infront of some guy, and he asks "Aren't you going to take those off?" and I'm gonna say, "Fuck no, bitch. These are my birthcontrol glasses. I'm sick of paying $9 a month for that damn pill!" I really hope I get the chance to use that sometime in my life.
PS I have a feather 'stache. It tickles when I kiss the ladies.
I'm pretty nervous, but still giddy. I may be getting a flatmate. A friend of mine may need somewhere to live soon, and I have offered him my living room. I am kind of nervous, seeing as how my exboyfriend and I are trying to be friends and it may be viewed as a way to get back at him, but I think he would understand if I told him the circumstances. Besides, my ex had suggested that I ask him to move in before because I could use a little bill aid. I'm still intrigued by the prospect of having him live here with me. He is such a nice guy and I really want to help him out. Plus, the company would be nice right now. It just sucks that he would be here because of crazy circumstances. Maybe this is perfect though. My being single again and his needing a place. Serendipity perhaps. It's even more strange because I sort of had a thing for him a while back. That makes me even more nervous. I don't know. All I know is that I'm exhausted and I need to get some sleep.
Bonne nuit.
Bonne nuit.
Being dumped feels like being stepped on by a soccer team that just lost. (I mean that it feels like being treated like crap by a loser) Bad metaphor. I have to say that I begged him not to do it, but he was convinced that I am just a shitty person. Happy Easter, sonofabitch.Screw it. He wasn't any better than I am. I've never heard such bullshit come from anyone. Bullshit excuses, bullshit "let's be friends", bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I spent hours hearing about what a crappy girlfriend I was. I feel better. I still can't believe it but I know things will be better.
Good times with friends have come. I'm not tied to anyone or anything. I played frisbee yesterday. I got free chedder rounds, I got invited to go smoke a little on Wednesday, I got to chat and get new Piano Magic. I'm excited about days spent with everyone. I have time for things, not spent wondering why he won't call.
I found an 80G iPod classic for $150. I excited. I've got a sad little 6G Sansa. It's on the fritz and won't download any music. I want to cry. I've bought so much wonderful music and now I can only listen to it at home.
Music can't save you from anything... but SILENCE. Not from Hearbreak... not from Violence.
Happy Late Easter/Passover. I hope your weekends were better.
Sitting at the spring house with davey, smoking some gentlemanly pipe. Only tobacco.
Good times with friends have come. I'm not tied to anyone or anything. I played frisbee yesterday. I got free chedder rounds, I got invited to go smoke a little on Wednesday, I got to chat and get new Piano Magic. I'm excited about days spent with everyone. I have time for things, not spent wondering why he won't call.
I found an 80G iPod classic for $150. I excited. I've got a sad little 6G Sansa. It's on the fritz and won't download any music. I want to cry. I've bought so much wonderful music and now I can only listen to it at home.
Music can't save you from anything... but SILENCE. Not from Hearbreak... not from Violence.
Happy Late Easter/Passover. I hope your weekends were better.
Sitting at the spring house with davey, smoking some gentlemanly pipe. Only tobacco.
I despise dreams. Last night, I had the most wonderful dream. I haven't had a dream so colorful and so beautiful. I can close my eyes and feel the same warmth in my chest. I cannot explain how incredible it was to dream this dream. While it was so wonder, I wish I hadn't. I suppose I should explain.
Love brought to light. Letters of confession, my heart lifting, knowing that he loves me as I love him. His smile, my smile. (How it hurt to wake up and know that it was not true.) I said his name in my sleep, awaking me to only be disappointed. It was not him I saw when I woke. My heart had convinced me that it no longer held any feelings for him, but last night, it was all resurrected. My heart feels as if it may rip itself apart at any moment. I have been with one for quite some time now, one that I love dearly and I know loves me just as I love him. The other, a new comer, a friend, I have only known him for a few months, but he has captured my attention, my mind, and apparently, my heart. After dreaming of him last night, I feel such guilt for dreaming of one while lying with the other. Worse, I couldn't stop my mind from wondering as we made love. With every breath, I feel as if guilt is coating my throat, choking me. I could never hurt my dear. He has been there through so much. I feel so aroused by thought of my friend. I hope this feeling goes away. It was only a dream, just a dream. I really don't love him, and he surely does not love me. No need to worry, no need to fret. My heart will be set straight.
Love brought to light. Letters of confession, my heart lifting, knowing that he loves me as I love him. His smile, my smile. (How it hurt to wake up and know that it was not true.) I said his name in my sleep, awaking me to only be disappointed. It was not him I saw when I woke. My heart had convinced me that it no longer held any feelings for him, but last night, it was all resurrected. My heart feels as if it may rip itself apart at any moment. I have been with one for quite some time now, one that I love dearly and I know loves me just as I love him. The other, a new comer, a friend, I have only known him for a few months, but he has captured my attention, my mind, and apparently, my heart. After dreaming of him last night, I feel such guilt for dreaming of one while lying with the other. Worse, I couldn't stop my mind from wondering as we made love. With every breath, I feel as if guilt is coating my throat, choking me. I could never hurt my dear. He has been there through so much. I feel so aroused by thought of my friend. I hope this feeling goes away. It was only a dream, just a dream. I really don't love him, and he surely does not love me. No need to worry, no need to fret. My heart will be set straight.
