PICS
okay folks, this one goes out to all the readers, but especially those who live in the live in the san francisco area....
i need your help, if you can.
i have an opportunity to do something that may be of interest to some of you. a friend of mine is a showgirl in san francisco, and is visiting hawaii right now. last night we were talking, and she has offered me a place to stay and a possible job for two weeks in june at her nightclub...as a showgirl! (classy of course) i was not planning to visit SF anytime soon, however, i am doing everything to try to save money for an art college in europe i desperately want to attend next year, and so im going to take a chance...
why am i telling you? well, i will be totally honest... i am wondering if any of you who live in the area would be interested in being my customers, fellow partiers, etc. but mainly i would invest in the plane ticket only if i feel reasonably sure that the trip will benefit my school fund, which at the moment is one of the most important things in my life. considering alot of the mail i get these days too, i am open to discuss artistic/ advertising/ promotion jobs for some of you while in the area as well.
ugh. i hate business stuff. i feel like im writing a fkn resume. but in the end if you have a dream, there is no one in the world who can manifest it with the gusto that you can if you you have a determined will. and i am more determined to live my dreams, daily, than you can even imagine.
would anybody be interested in seeing a little burlesque a la mary and champaigne??
i need your help, if you can.
i have an opportunity to do something that may be of interest to some of you. a friend of mine is a showgirl in san francisco, and is visiting hawaii right now. last night we were talking, and she has offered me a place to stay and a possible job for two weeks in june at her nightclub...as a showgirl! (classy of course) i was not planning to visit SF anytime soon, however, i am doing everything to try to save money for an art college in europe i desperately want to attend next year, and so im going to take a chance...
why am i telling you? well, i will be totally honest... i am wondering if any of you who live in the area would be interested in being my customers, fellow partiers, etc. but mainly i would invest in the plane ticket only if i feel reasonably sure that the trip will benefit my school fund, which at the moment is one of the most important things in my life. considering alot of the mail i get these days too, i am open to discuss artistic/ advertising/ promotion jobs for some of you while in the area as well.
ugh. i hate business stuff. i feel like im writing a fkn resume. but in the end if you have a dream, there is no one in the world who can manifest it with the gusto that you can if you you have a determined will. and i am more determined to live my dreams, daily, than you can even imagine.
would anybody be interested in seeing a little burlesque a la mary and champaigne??
some time has passed. i could say that ive been terribly busy, which would not be a lie neccessarily, but i think the real reason for my absence is that ive had alot on my mind but no clear way i wanted to express it.
well, armed with this icecream i feel like writing again. And since it happens to be the elusive friday the 13th, and there is a possibility that there are one or two other people who are not either cowering under the canopy bed in superstition or taking a chance at some hedonistic gothic party, i thought id share an almost supernatural story.
A few days ago i was shaking the pebbles of cat food in the bag to announce dinner time for Kiwi and Swami. and predictably kiwi rounded the corner into the kitchen at a run. but swami didnt, which is weird because she is a little pig and always gets there first. i realised that i hadnt actually seen swami all day. both her and kiwi are very social and affectionate, in fact they usually follow me into whichever room i end up hanging out in. but they also like the cool shadows under my bed for long naps, so i didnt think anything of her absence until she didnt show up at meal time. i went to the bedroom and called her...nothing. what started as playful searching while making fun noises turned into a frantic nightmare when i realised she was not in the house anymore.
normally this would not be cause for concern, but things are different in my new apartment. the building is extremely "secure" to the extent of being alittle anal retentive. i mean, to get home i must open the lobby doors with a key, insert and turn another key to even open the elevator, then turn and hold another key inside the damn elevator as i push the button for my floor, and finally unlock my own apartment door. so you see, unless a human deliberately plotted to let my cat out so that she would be unable to return, swami's disappearance was a mystery, since id been home all day.
the olny explanation was the windows. i live on the 12th floor of a high building, framed at ground level on three sides with a cement parking area. i have 3 walls in my apartment which are primarily floor-to-ceiling windows that slide open, and just outside is a foot-wide ledge that the cats like to perch above the city on. since its wide and they have impeccable balance and a healthy fear of the edge itself, i never discouraged them from hanging out there. the ledge runs around the building, so from the outside it serves as a bridge connecting the windows of neighboring apartments with mine.
of course i realised swami must have gone in one of the neighbors windows and then was locked in for the day somehow. so i tried to knock at the neighbors' doors, but with no answers. the night passed with me worried, but sane. in the morning, however, i was able to speak with the neighbors, and the first saidhe'd seen no sign of swami. the second had not seen her either, and informed me that the 3rd and final apartment on my floor was empty, and had been locked up for six months since the owner died.
this was the point i broke down.
if swami wasnt on my floor, then she fell. OFF. twelve stories with high ceilings. i began to sob like the first time someone ever broke my heart, and i couldnt stop. i called a friend who lives in the neighborhood, and he helped me search the parking area for her body, or a stain on the cement. then we searched the neighborhood, calling out her name, just in case. i was a trainwreck but i called every animal hospital in the area to see if a stranger had found her and brought her to emergency care. i went to the humane society and desperately searched the cages for my cat. nothing. just lots of other kitties who broke my heart.
i went home and made signs with her picture. i hung one in the lobby of my buliding asking for information even if it was about her death.
then i recieved a call from an elderly tenant who claimed to have possibly seen her at the old building next door that is being worked on, and is the permanent haunt of several harmless feral cats. so i went there, and still found nothing.
so i got drunk. i drank to forget how to cry, and to kill the vivid details of my overactive imagination. you see, i have had both kiwi and swami since they were two weeks old. their mother was feral and for some reason rejected her maternal duties when most of the litter did not survive. a co-worker lived on the property where they were found, hiding, hungry. i came to adopt one but saw these two sisters, teeny and shaking, pressed up against eachother and i had to have them both. ever since they have been my best friends.. we dance, watch movies, sleep together., i even talk to them out loud about my problems and tell them jokes. in return they are the most personal and communicative cats i have ever known, seriously.
i was still drinking around midnight when the phone rang. it was a another neighbor from the building who has a parking space beneath my windows. he told me that the previous morning he had noticed a foot-sized object had hit and utterly shattered the windshield of his parked truck, and in the broken glass he'd found little bits of hair. i began to cry all over again and determined to go down and see the spot where she died myself. i put my beer down and my friend chris and i went to look at the parking stall. i was about two stalls away from where she died when i thought i saw a dark tail dart between two parked cars. a sudden knot in my stomach told me to look again, and i got down on my knees and looked under the cars, and screamed "SWAMI OH MY GOD!"
it was her, dirty as hell and trembling and terrified, but my swami, and none other!! i had to speak gently to her through my sobs for a few minutes but eventually she let me softly pull her out and wrap her in a teeshirt, and carry her home. upstairs i stroked her to see if she was in pain, and though she moved slowly she was not limping and she ate like she hadnt eaten in years.
first thing in the morning i took her to her docter and after the xrays the doctor pulled me into a small room. she was smiling and some of the other vets came in. she said, "mary, we believe you have a wonder cat. i have heard of cats falling several stories with minor injuries, but never ever have i heard of a cat falling at least 120 feet through glass to the cement without hurting anything at all!! swami has a number of tough internal bruises, and shes lost the whiskers on the left side of her face, but she will heal and she is not damaged otherwise!!"
And there it is. one of the most emotionally triuphant moments in my life. swami is sitting on my lap now, as i type, purring and warming my thighs. i love her missing whiskers more than anything because the stubs protrude from a face i love and thought i lost.
and i cant forget kiwi, who is also a wonder cat in my mind: because the whole time swami was missing. kiwi stayed at my side like glue and would meow and guide me to the window, as if to remind me to look more, to not give up. And she helped bathe swami devotedly when swami was still in shock upon her return.
who am i, anyway, that two animals like the ones i love should love me in return?
who are we to call them our "pets"?
i think they give more to me when they make their daily choice to grant me such affection than most human relationships in my life ever have.
So i leave you all to your superstitions, or at least your jokes about them. tonight, i have important places to be , friends to feed, soft heads to stroke....
well, armed with this icecream i feel like writing again. And since it happens to be the elusive friday the 13th, and there is a possibility that there are one or two other people who are not either cowering under the canopy bed in superstition or taking a chance at some hedonistic gothic party, i thought id share an almost supernatural story.
A few days ago i was shaking the pebbles of cat food in the bag to announce dinner time for Kiwi and Swami. and predictably kiwi rounded the corner into the kitchen at a run. but swami didnt, which is weird because she is a little pig and always gets there first. i realised that i hadnt actually seen swami all day. both her and kiwi are very social and affectionate, in fact they usually follow me into whichever room i end up hanging out in. but they also like the cool shadows under my bed for long naps, so i didnt think anything of her absence until she didnt show up at meal time. i went to the bedroom and called her...nothing. what started as playful searching while making fun noises turned into a frantic nightmare when i realised she was not in the house anymore.
normally this would not be cause for concern, but things are different in my new apartment. the building is extremely "secure" to the extent of being alittle anal retentive. i mean, to get home i must open the lobby doors with a key, insert and turn another key to even open the elevator, then turn and hold another key inside the damn elevator as i push the button for my floor, and finally unlock my own apartment door. so you see, unless a human deliberately plotted to let my cat out so that she would be unable to return, swami's disappearance was a mystery, since id been home all day.
the olny explanation was the windows. i live on the 12th floor of a high building, framed at ground level on three sides with a cement parking area. i have 3 walls in my apartment which are primarily floor-to-ceiling windows that slide open, and just outside is a foot-wide ledge that the cats like to perch above the city on. since its wide and they have impeccable balance and a healthy fear of the edge itself, i never discouraged them from hanging out there. the ledge runs around the building, so from the outside it serves as a bridge connecting the windows of neighboring apartments with mine.
of course i realised swami must have gone in one of the neighbors windows and then was locked in for the day somehow. so i tried to knock at the neighbors' doors, but with no answers. the night passed with me worried, but sane. in the morning, however, i was able to speak with the neighbors, and the first saidhe'd seen no sign of swami. the second had not seen her either, and informed me that the 3rd and final apartment on my floor was empty, and had been locked up for six months since the owner died.
this was the point i broke down.
if swami wasnt on my floor, then she fell. OFF. twelve stories with high ceilings. i began to sob like the first time someone ever broke my heart, and i couldnt stop. i called a friend who lives in the neighborhood, and he helped me search the parking area for her body, or a stain on the cement. then we searched the neighborhood, calling out her name, just in case. i was a trainwreck but i called every animal hospital in the area to see if a stranger had found her and brought her to emergency care. i went to the humane society and desperately searched the cages for my cat. nothing. just lots of other kitties who broke my heart.
i went home and made signs with her picture. i hung one in the lobby of my buliding asking for information even if it was about her death.
then i recieved a call from an elderly tenant who claimed to have possibly seen her at the old building next door that is being worked on, and is the permanent haunt of several harmless feral cats. so i went there, and still found nothing.
so i got drunk. i drank to forget how to cry, and to kill the vivid details of my overactive imagination. you see, i have had both kiwi and swami since they were two weeks old. their mother was feral and for some reason rejected her maternal duties when most of the litter did not survive. a co-worker lived on the property where they were found, hiding, hungry. i came to adopt one but saw these two sisters, teeny and shaking, pressed up against eachother and i had to have them both. ever since they have been my best friends.. we dance, watch movies, sleep together., i even talk to them out loud about my problems and tell them jokes. in return they are the most personal and communicative cats i have ever known, seriously.
i was still drinking around midnight when the phone rang. it was a another neighbor from the building who has a parking space beneath my windows. he told me that the previous morning he had noticed a foot-sized object had hit and utterly shattered the windshield of his parked truck, and in the broken glass he'd found little bits of hair. i began to cry all over again and determined to go down and see the spot where she died myself. i put my beer down and my friend chris and i went to look at the parking stall. i was about two stalls away from where she died when i thought i saw a dark tail dart between two parked cars. a sudden knot in my stomach told me to look again, and i got down on my knees and looked under the cars, and screamed "SWAMI OH MY GOD!"
it was her, dirty as hell and trembling and terrified, but my swami, and none other!! i had to speak gently to her through my sobs for a few minutes but eventually she let me softly pull her out and wrap her in a teeshirt, and carry her home. upstairs i stroked her to see if she was in pain, and though she moved slowly she was not limping and she ate like she hadnt eaten in years.
first thing in the morning i took her to her docter and after the xrays the doctor pulled me into a small room. she was smiling and some of the other vets came in. she said, "mary, we believe you have a wonder cat. i have heard of cats falling several stories with minor injuries, but never ever have i heard of a cat falling at least 120 feet through glass to the cement without hurting anything at all!! swami has a number of tough internal bruises, and shes lost the whiskers on the left side of her face, but she will heal and she is not damaged otherwise!!"
And there it is. one of the most emotionally triuphant moments in my life. swami is sitting on my lap now, as i type, purring and warming my thighs. i love her missing whiskers more than anything because the stubs protrude from a face i love and thought i lost.
and i cant forget kiwi, who is also a wonder cat in my mind: because the whole time swami was missing. kiwi stayed at my side like glue and would meow and guide me to the window, as if to remind me to look more, to not give up. And she helped bathe swami devotedly when swami was still in shock upon her return.
who am i, anyway, that two animals like the ones i love should love me in return?
who are we to call them our "pets"?
i think they give more to me when they make their daily choice to grant me such affection than most human relationships in my life ever have.
So i leave you all to your superstitions, or at least your jokes about them. tonight, i have important places to be , friends to feed, soft heads to stroke....
another windy day, the way the curtains billow ferociously makes me want to hollar "ahoy" and squint into the distant horizon.
all is resolved between my friend and I, it took very little actually for both of us to break down and say we felt aweful about the whole stupid thing.
a strange thing happened this week. i received an unexpected phonecall from an old flame who i havent heard from in at least four years. it was wonderful to hear from him but i was jostled awake from a nap by the phone, and even when you arent groggy and confused that is a situation where your tongue is a bit tied. so i feel rathar like i fumbled through that conversation, which was made all the more poignant by the memory that he was always one to have his wits about him. ah well.
the point of relaying that story was that it inspired me to go through some old journals that were whispering from the dark corner of my closet. in doing so i rediscovered lots of things id written that had been forgotten, some of which were absolutely pathetic, some sad, some insane, some naive, some disturbingly wise, some that i was a wee proud of, and some that are fkn hilarious, and it is one of those weird funny ones that id like to partially share with you.
in my life ive gone through different phases with both my art and my writing. there are times i write everyday and others once a month. this entry was written during a manic phase where i was writing all the time, on buses, in stores, at work on the back of sales receipts.
also, i happen to be the sort of person who visualises EVERYTHING, and often even when im dead sober and sitting around the house if i close my eyes i will experience a short animation film that makes no sense but can make me laugh out loud. so, when i listen to music i tend to create an entire little movie in my head for every song, starring me, but im not always "me" sometimes im a banana or tree with a gimpy leg (HA, all you kids who've asked me about my comics or my graphic novel project are getting a bit of a clue here...) anyway, back in the fall of 1999 i wrote this about some album i was listening to. for each song that came on i wrote a short paragragh describing the scene that created itself in my head. i think its funny as hell, reading it now............
I AM A COLORFUL TOY SOLDIER BEING LED DOWN SMOOTH COBBLESTONE ALLEYWAYS, FOLLOWING AN UGLY PLUMP FAIRY WHO KEEPS TURNING TO CHECK IF IM STILL THERE.
********
I AM A SEEDY, SHAPELY THING IN VELVET HEELS SWAYING MY HIPS AS I CREEP ACROSS THE COCKTAIL BAR, WHILE ALL THE DIRTY POETS WATCH ME, WEARING TURBANS AND SMOKING LONG CIGARS.
**********************
I AM IN A HUGE THICK DRESS AND THE LIGHT IS ALL PASTELS, AND I STUMBLE AND SLAM INTO A ROCK AND MY BIG DRESS TEARS AND MY LEG IS BLEEDING.
*****************************
I AM A RUBBER CARTOON CHARACTER BOUNCING ON A WARM WAD OF CHEWING GUM AND IM GRASPING AT THE AIR TO TRY TO LIFT MYSELF, UNSTICK MYSELF, BUT AGAIN AND AGAIN THE AIR JUST LAUGHS.
***************************
A PREHISTORIC CAVE AROUND ME WHILE ASKING MYSELF...WHY { my personal favorite..haha}
*********************
A GUY IN A GREEN FULL-BODY MASK IS SLINKING THROUGH THE ALLEY WHERE I AM PRACTICING MY POSTURE AGAINST A GARBAGE CAN AND THEN A GUY IN A YELLOW TUXEDO APPEARS, SMILING WAY TOO BIG.
**********************
I AM OPERATING A CLAYMATION TRAIN WHICH GOES ROUND IN GREAT CIRCLES AND WAVES AT THE MANY COMMUNITIES IT PASSES, AND THEN DANCES VERTICAL ON MOUNTAINTOPS AND SMOKES CIGARETTES. IT IS TOO BUSY TO WAVE NOW.
**************************
I AM DRINKING CHAMPAIGNE IN A MAYONAISE -COLORED OVAL ROOM WITH GLITTERY JACKETS AND HAIRDOS BELONGING TO PEOPLE WHO PLAY CARDGAMES AND SOCIALISE ACCORDING TO PRIORITISED LISTS AND DO THEIR FINGERNAILS RED.
**********************
thers more but it goes on for a few pages and i dont want to copy it all right now. heh, so, yep. thats what i do for fun. sometimes.
all is resolved between my friend and I, it took very little actually for both of us to break down and say we felt aweful about the whole stupid thing.
a strange thing happened this week. i received an unexpected phonecall from an old flame who i havent heard from in at least four years. it was wonderful to hear from him but i was jostled awake from a nap by the phone, and even when you arent groggy and confused that is a situation where your tongue is a bit tied. so i feel rathar like i fumbled through that conversation, which was made all the more poignant by the memory that he was always one to have his wits about him. ah well.
the point of relaying that story was that it inspired me to go through some old journals that were whispering from the dark corner of my closet. in doing so i rediscovered lots of things id written that had been forgotten, some of which were absolutely pathetic, some sad, some insane, some naive, some disturbingly wise, some that i was a wee proud of, and some that are fkn hilarious, and it is one of those weird funny ones that id like to partially share with you.
in my life ive gone through different phases with both my art and my writing. there are times i write everyday and others once a month. this entry was written during a manic phase where i was writing all the time, on buses, in stores, at work on the back of sales receipts.
also, i happen to be the sort of person who visualises EVERYTHING, and often even when im dead sober and sitting around the house if i close my eyes i will experience a short animation film that makes no sense but can make me laugh out loud. so, when i listen to music i tend to create an entire little movie in my head for every song, starring me, but im not always "me" sometimes im a banana or tree with a gimpy leg (HA, all you kids who've asked me about my comics or my graphic novel project are getting a bit of a clue here...) anyway, back in the fall of 1999 i wrote this about some album i was listening to. for each song that came on i wrote a short paragragh describing the scene that created itself in my head. i think its funny as hell, reading it now............
I AM A COLORFUL TOY SOLDIER BEING LED DOWN SMOOTH COBBLESTONE ALLEYWAYS, FOLLOWING AN UGLY PLUMP FAIRY WHO KEEPS TURNING TO CHECK IF IM STILL THERE.
********
I AM A SEEDY, SHAPELY THING IN VELVET HEELS SWAYING MY HIPS AS I CREEP ACROSS THE COCKTAIL BAR, WHILE ALL THE DIRTY POETS WATCH ME, WEARING TURBANS AND SMOKING LONG CIGARS.
**********************
I AM IN A HUGE THICK DRESS AND THE LIGHT IS ALL PASTELS, AND I STUMBLE AND SLAM INTO A ROCK AND MY BIG DRESS TEARS AND MY LEG IS BLEEDING.
*****************************
I AM A RUBBER CARTOON CHARACTER BOUNCING ON A WARM WAD OF CHEWING GUM AND IM GRASPING AT THE AIR TO TRY TO LIFT MYSELF, UNSTICK MYSELF, BUT AGAIN AND AGAIN THE AIR JUST LAUGHS.
***************************
A PREHISTORIC CAVE AROUND ME WHILE ASKING MYSELF...WHY { my personal favorite..haha}
*********************
A GUY IN A GREEN FULL-BODY MASK IS SLINKING THROUGH THE ALLEY WHERE I AM PRACTICING MY POSTURE AGAINST A GARBAGE CAN AND THEN A GUY IN A YELLOW TUXEDO APPEARS, SMILING WAY TOO BIG.
**********************
I AM OPERATING A CLAYMATION TRAIN WHICH GOES ROUND IN GREAT CIRCLES AND WAVES AT THE MANY COMMUNITIES IT PASSES, AND THEN DANCES VERTICAL ON MOUNTAINTOPS AND SMOKES CIGARETTES. IT IS TOO BUSY TO WAVE NOW.
**************************
I AM DRINKING CHAMPAIGNE IN A MAYONAISE -COLORED OVAL ROOM WITH GLITTERY JACKETS AND HAIRDOS BELONGING TO PEOPLE WHO PLAY CARDGAMES AND SOCIALISE ACCORDING TO PRIORITISED LISTS AND DO THEIR FINGERNAILS RED.
**********************
thers more but it goes on for a few pages and i dont want to copy it all right now. heh, so, yep. thats what i do for fun. sometimes.
so, sometimes you know when you are wrong. you know when your eyelids twitch and your throat falls into your uteris and you hug a pillow you are not particularly attached to.
you know that you fucked up when watching your cats eat your flipflops makes you want to either chug a 40 or scream "eat em, ok, im a bitch!"
the worst is when you know it shortly after the fact and you want to admit it and be forgiven, but the recipient of your lapse in judgement doest want to talk about it.
thats where i am tonight folks.
i just want to be able to say HEY you are one of my best friends and i like the way you go Heheh heh and chain smoke when youre excited, and i like the fact that you snore sometimes when youre not even sleeping, and i like when you pee in the sink so i can use the toilet, and i love that you just start spanking one of my cats in the middle of a deep thought.
anyways sometimes the best way to admit you did something wrong is to the world, cause theres no going back from that.
so here it is, in all its glorious shame: i overreacted to a good friends' indifference last night, just cause id had a bad day.
and no 40 and no amount of cigarettes is going to work any magic till i get a chance to tell him he was right.
you know that you fucked up when watching your cats eat your flipflops makes you want to either chug a 40 or scream "eat em, ok, im a bitch!"
the worst is when you know it shortly after the fact and you want to admit it and be forgiven, but the recipient of your lapse in judgement doest want to talk about it.
thats where i am tonight folks.
i just want to be able to say HEY you are one of my best friends and i like the way you go Heheh heh and chain smoke when youre excited, and i like the fact that you snore sometimes when youre not even sleeping, and i like when you pee in the sink so i can use the toilet, and i love that you just start spanking one of my cats in the middle of a deep thought.
anyways sometimes the best way to admit you did something wrong is to the world, cause theres no going back from that.
so here it is, in all its glorious shame: i overreacted to a good friends' indifference last night, just cause id had a bad day.
and no 40 and no amount of cigarettes is going to work any magic till i get a chance to tell him he was right.
gee you folks can make a girl feel special. thanks for the overwhelming responses to the recent hawaii set. missy and i had a hell of a time doing that one in particular. it was shot at a place on the north shore of oahu called waimea falls. we drove up from honolulu in my car which was coughing up the last little bit of life it could muster, and as we pulled into northshore it started smoking and the brakes werent working. anyway it ended up getting us by, we kept trucking and got to the park at waimea bay in one peice. we unloaded in the parking lot with bags of stuff and me all dressed like, well, you saw (cept i did walk in with a bra...im not shy but, come on) the whole experience of doing the set THERE amid so many flora and fauna-loving retired couples, made me really geeky and i kept thinking of weird ideas like posing with the ducks (a la Leda and the Swan) which did not happen, and of course, the tree moments when i actually did climb a banyan half naked, peering over the foliage to see if gramma and gramps were hot on our trail. and yes there were the mosquitoes, they love me, the worst was when i was fully naked and paranoid they were exploring new orifaces...but we laughed a whole lot, and the place was beautiful, and i got to pull a tarzan swing. im looking forward to one of the other hawaii sets we took....we got caught in a huge downpour and sat on the side of the highway by a deserted beach for a long time waiting for the perfect moment to run out and do the photos in the sunshine. but when it came it was perfect, no one around so i could streak with no regard, huge powerful waves literally knocking both missy and i over till she was pathetically soaked and i was a slippery little tattooed thing rolling around in the sand, but it was all pleasure and from what i remember it was one of my favorite sets cause you can tell it was just fkn fun.
ps- since so many were interested in my beer shower...it was great, thankyou very much. water so hot my skin was pink, beer so cold i drank it in one drink . so much for no time limit.
ps- since so many were interested in my beer shower...it was great, thankyou very much. water so hot my skin was pink, beer so cold i drank it in one drink . so much for no time limit.
oops i was so mad that i wrote my new journal entry as a comment rather than an entry, so read through them and find mine. thats what i meant to write here.
everybody cross your fingers for swami. shes really sick, keeps puking and spotting the rug. but i coulnt get a spot at the vet till tomarrow morning. im worried, but i think she''ll be ok cause she is still eating, but not alot..
ps i dont feel as pathetic today. Erin you are like a good toothbrushing after a bad vomit.
ps i dont feel as pathetic today. Erin you are like a good toothbrushing after a bad vomit.
i am eating some cookies a sweet grandma in frankfurt made me. today i just feel disappointed in myself in an undefinable way. i feel quite redundant but not because im doing exactly what i want to be doing over and over. i dont have any food here im in the mood to eat, cept these, and they make me all introspective, chewing on places i used to be and people i used to be there with.
when you live in a climate that is often cold, or usually wet, when the sunny days happen by chance, unexpected, you get on that damn bike, and peddle somewhere, you go out to lunch, you order juice and mentally decide to eat more carrots, spinach, everyday. you play bad harmonica next to the river and watch the pidgeons fuck with an eathreal expression on your face. you pick up a course-listings catalog from your local higher learning plant and begin scheming to feed your brain soon. the point is, you smell everything, you have a new energy.
but when you live in a climate that is largely perfect, and sunshine is as regular as morning coffee, what reminds you to appreciate it? what motivates you? you have to motivate yourself to have constant energy, because change and unpredictable energy sources are not as near to you, and even though you can be grateful you can also be immune, because there is no urgency. and so often the simple pleasures are eclipsed by the much more complicated ones.
i guess its the travellor in me realising more concretely that this bird's got its wings bolted to a wall for a while. the question is: will i be productive in the things that matter to me, bolted here?
nows the time to stop and ask yourself mary, why the fuck are you writing this on the internet??????
maybe a secret ploy to feel accountable to .....something.
hmmmm. mama said there'd be days like this.
when you live in a climate that is often cold, or usually wet, when the sunny days happen by chance, unexpected, you get on that damn bike, and peddle somewhere, you go out to lunch, you order juice and mentally decide to eat more carrots, spinach, everyday. you play bad harmonica next to the river and watch the pidgeons fuck with an eathreal expression on your face. you pick up a course-listings catalog from your local higher learning plant and begin scheming to feed your brain soon. the point is, you smell everything, you have a new energy.
but when you live in a climate that is largely perfect, and sunshine is as regular as morning coffee, what reminds you to appreciate it? what motivates you? you have to motivate yourself to have constant energy, because change and unpredictable energy sources are not as near to you, and even though you can be grateful you can also be immune, because there is no urgency. and so often the simple pleasures are eclipsed by the much more complicated ones.
i guess its the travellor in me realising more concretely that this bird's got its wings bolted to a wall for a while. the question is: will i be productive in the things that matter to me, bolted here?
nows the time to stop and ask yourself mary, why the fuck are you writing this on the internet??????
maybe a secret ploy to feel accountable to .....something.
hmmmm. mama said there'd be days like this.
fuck you guys are way fastrer than me. i just got finished digesting all the comments, which are great but honestly its overwelming so dont be offended if i dont respond, just, write back agin?
he!!! swami is passed out on top of my comuters mouse so.... i think she wants some serious attention. ive scratched her head ever which way but she wants a full body rub down so i better give it to her or i will wake up to her chewing on one of my hands whild kiwi kneads my bladder like bread dough, which you know is going to suck after a night of drinking. bye. maybe. unless i get dumb. cause all my friends are asleep and i feel like talking. go figure, usually im the one in the corner just watching. maybe its just more fun to "talk" when you dont have to open your mouth. i just get sick of all that redundant shit, and feeling like everyones just trying to fullfill a picture they painted on ahead of time. i dont feel that way with my close friends, but with most others at times like these, i do. im not saying all stragers are pretentious....actually im ridulously trusting too often. but when you are around drunk folks you begin to see the difference between those who are comfortable and having fun naturally, those who are uncomfortable but personal when you catch them in a moment, and those who just plain wanna be liked by whoever they are around no matter what. the two former catagories are fine with me. good night, if night is what this still is.
he!!! swami is passed out on top of my comuters mouse so.... i think she wants some serious attention. ive scratched her head ever which way but she wants a full body rub down so i better give it to her or i will wake up to her chewing on one of my hands whild kiwi kneads my bladder like bread dough, which you know is going to suck after a night of drinking. bye. maybe. unless i get dumb. cause all my friends are asleep and i feel like talking. go figure, usually im the one in the corner just watching. maybe its just more fun to "talk" when you dont have to open your mouth. i just get sick of all that redundant shit, and feeling like everyones just trying to fullfill a picture they painted on ahead of time. i dont feel that way with my close friends, but with most others at times like these, i do. im not saying all stragers are pretentious....actually im ridulously trusting too often. but when you are around drunk folks you begin to see the difference between those who are comfortable and having fun naturally, those who are uncomfortable but personal when you catch them in a moment, and those who just plain wanna be liked by whoever they are around no matter what. the two former catagories are fine with me. good night, if night is what this still is.
