its nice to know you have a stage for a soliloquy anytime you please.

a while back i was informed by, incidentally, the same friend i mentioned in my last blog (who i've known since 6th grade) that a particular boy we knew in high school is working as a bartender at a fancy restaurant near my apartment. ever since i have occasionally thought of going down there to buy myself a drink and say hello. (at this point it is relevant to mention i also had a raging crush on him when i was maybe fourteen or fifteen, but have not seen him in many years.) nowadays my motives for going there would be simply to satisfy a curiosity of what became of a high school so-and-so.
but i cannot bring myself to do it! it seems so unnatural when you know ahead of time that such a reunion would happen. because inevitably, stupid things like your outfit come to mind.... its like the first day of a new school-year when you are in junior high!!! you know, you wanted everyone to see how much you'd improved and changed, so you wanted to look good....but you sure as hell couldn't show up in something overdone or flashy because you are young and insecure about others thinking you tried to hard! its silly i realize, but it is similar when you are preparing to confront an old crush who never liked you as more than a friend back in the day. part of me would like to show up in my sexy black dress and heels and lipstick and order anything that comes in a martini glass and slowly eat strawberries with my fingers, just as a favor to that poor awkward mary of years ago who never got his attention. but the more dominant side of me would feel really weird and petty doing that, and argues that the outfit should be jeans and a teeshirt. but then, even THINKING about my fucking outfit seems immature and makes me want to just never ever go to that restaurant.
and then, what would i say? "hey, i heard you worked here, so, here i am!" hahaha like i said, it just seems unnatural.
i dont know.