eat, sleep, drink, read, clean,.... rinse repeat.
for best results try losing your sanity.

At the moment I am moving into a different room in my house (since I have decided to stay here for another year), writing a paper, studying for my final, and then on thursday I am getting my tonsils scooped out so that I can go for a month without them getting angry at me (I've taken their shit for long enough).

wish me luck.

you may not hear from me until the drugs lose their effect on me.

"a friend of the devil is a friend of mine"

I think I'm relearning a lot about myself at this moment. I don't know what it is, but for some odd reason the class I am in is reminding me of my past passions... about the passion I used to have for things rather than the doldrums I've been stuck in as of late.

A whole bunch of factors have been playing their roles to make me go crazy lately, but ultimately I think that it's been for the best. It's in those storms, imagined or not, that my character is tested and improved.... and trust me, it still has a long way to go. My manic outbursts and later reflections on them have been a huge factor in creating those giant neon signs that all point to the fact that I have been stagnent and in a non-developmental state. AKA for those of you who don't like "cryptic" I NEED TO GROW UP. I pride myself on my open minded nature and ability to try and see things from multiple perspectives. However, my childlike nature has still provoked me to gravitate to the most appealing options, no matter how illogical and unreasonable they tend to be. In the past that was ok. I didn't really have any solid friendships with anyone. I didn't really have very many people that would have been hurt in my dillusions and fantasy world. I could live in whatever world I wanted in my head, and the only person in affected was me. Now I need to develop to a greater level without losing the child-like qualities that I deem good (such as my appreciation for random, small details and constant awe for the world) while recognizing that living in my head and harboring doubts and fears only causes them to fester.

This is just one of the many things running through my head... but I'm finally getting to a point where I'm not just analyzing my behaviour and justifying it. I'm ready and willing to change with whatever comes my way.

hahahahah....
I just wrote the shittiest german paper ever! I almost feel bad for the prof. who has to read it and try and figure out what I'm saying. (I don't have the vocabulary to talk about religion and am trying to explain the Buddhist undertones in Die Unendliche Geschichte.)

Well, I have to go finish my presentation for another thing before 3. at least it's on a cool topic too! (US human experimentation on a few terminal patients wittout their consent by injecting them with plutonium 5 years after they figured out how to make the stuff.)

procrastination is my friend, can you tell?

Man, I miss all you guys. Sorry school is sucking my will to live.

Hahahaha... one of the coolest kids I know doing what he does best...rocking out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFH1dpfsVjE

My stress is about to materialze into a dragon and it's already breathing down my fucking neck.

I have some projects to do and have to get on the ball for finals, registering for summer shit, and getting some other stuff out of the way.

I'll be back sometime....

"I sit and drink pennyroyal tea... distill the life that's inside of me. I sti and drink pennyroyal tea. I'm anemic royalty."
How many of you knew that the song was about abortion? Pennyroyal is a oil or herb that you can get to cause spontaneous abortions... It can also lead to internal hemmoraging and death. If we don't protect our rights to abortion, more people will be risking their lives everyday on methods like this tea.


"WALK for JUSTICE and SPEAK UP FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS

Walk with the NARAL Pro-Choice Georgia Team at the 2006 Walk for Women's Lives! This is a very dangerous time for women's reproductive freedom in Georgia, and we must take our message to the streets. Now is the time to take action and here is your opportunity.

The Georgia Walk for Women's Lives in Atlanta is April 9, from 2:00 - 5:00 pm outside the Georgia Capitol building in downtown Atlanta.

Registration is at 2:00 pm, Walk step-off is at 2:30 pm, and the Rally, speak-out and lunch will immediately follow.

Come out and help stop the war on women's reproductive choice and freedom! Walk with NARAL Pro-Choice Georgia - RSVP today!! We will soon host a sign-making party, so don't miss out.

Don't let Georgia become the next South Dakota!

For more information and to register, please email Olaava at olaava@prochoicega.org, with "Walk Participant" in the subject line."



77% anti-abortion leaders are men. 100% of them will never be pregnant.

I'll be there. This is one of the few things in life that I feel passionately about. If you have ever known anyone sexually active who wasn't ready for kids... come out and support our right to birth control, support our right for plan B emergency contraceptives (even though the gov. already said that pharmacists have the right to refuse to fill your prescription if it goes against there morals... could you imagine trying to get plan B and having on 72 hours to do so that you won't get pregnant and the pharmacists refusing to give you the pill???!!!???), our right to abortions, and other countries' rights to have planned parenthood come in and help them (The government had a gag rule that planned parenthood couldn't go over to other countries and hand out condoms or help since they were an institution that supported abortion.)

Women are consistently held down. We are paid less for the same jobs when we have the same qualifications. There are glass ceilings that we can't prove exist (when women won't be hired into the system higher than a certain rank or position). These wage gaps force women to stay at home with the kids and in the kitchen since most people can't afford to make less money by having the man do so. We don't even have a choice... We are stereotyped into people that are too weak and fragile to take care of ourselves. We are treated as invalids by men who want to "take care of us". We are viewed primarily as sexual objects. They put 50 billion women on tv with a very few percentage of them actually looking like the average women (most are models), but can put "ugly men" on all they want... enforcing the idea in the people's subconscious mind that all women are supposed to be beautiful.

We are working on breaking all of these walls down and if we don't have a choice right now about who is going to have to stay home and take care of the kids... we should at least have a choice on whether or not to have them. One slip up should not condemn these women and make them either (a) give up their lives to raise a child or (b) contribute to an overpopulated orphanage system (of which I have had many friends who were taumatized by being in).

Keep your laws off of my body.



Two articles from Planned Parenthood:


Medical and Social Health Benefits Since Abortion Was Made Legal in the U.S.
Despite the claims of anti-choice ideologues, many demonstrable health benefits physical, emotional, and social have accrued to Americans since 1973, when the U.S. Supreme Court legalized abortion in its decision,Roe v. Wade .

The most important benefit, of course, has been the end of an era that supported the proliferation of "back alley butchers" who were motivated by money alone and performed unsafe, medically incompetent abortions that left many women dead or injured. And compassionate mainstream physicians, who provided clandestine, medically safe abortions, who did not exploit their patients, and who were motivated by principle rather than by financial concerns, no longer had to fear imprisonment and the loss of their medical licenses for performing abortions after Roe was decided (Joffe, 1995). Today, as the 33rd anniversary of this landmark decision approaches, it is important to remember how far Roe has brought us as a society and to note some of the many benefits that resulted from the legalization of abortion.

Roe v. Wade did not "invent" abortion.

* Estimates of the annual number of illegal abortions in the 1950s and 1960s range from 200,000 to 1.2 million (Cates, et al., 2003; Rock & Jones, 2003; Tietze & Henshaw, 1986).
* In 1969, one year before New York State legalized abortion, complications from abortions accounted for 23 percent of all pregnancy-related admissions to municipal hospitals in New York City (Institute of Medicine, 1975).
* After California liberalized its abortion law in 1967, the number of admissions for infection resulting from illegal abortion at Los Angeles County/University of Southern California Medical Center fell by almost 75 percent (Seward, et al., 1973).

Since Roe v. Wade, women have obtained abortions earlier in pregnancy when health risks to them are at the lowest.

* In 1973, only 36 percent of abortions were performed at or before eight weeks of pregnancy (CDC, 1999).
* Today, 88 percent of all legal abortions are performed within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, and 59 percent take place within the first eight weeks of pregnancy. Only 1.4 percent occur after 20 weeks (CDC, 2004).

Deaths from abortion declined dramatically during the past two decades.

* In 1965, when abortion was still illegal nationwide except in cases of life endangerment, at least 193 women died from illegal abortions, and illegal abortion accounted for nearly 17 percent of all deaths due to pregnancy and childbirth in that year (NCHS, 1967).
* In 1973, the risk of dying from an abortion was 3.4 deaths per 100,000 legal abortions. This rate fell to 1.3 by 1977 (Gold, 1990). Today, abortion is one of the most commonly performed clinical procedures, and the current death rate from abortion at all stages of gestation is 0.6 per 100,000 procedures. This is eleven times safer than carrying a pregnancy to term and nearly twice as safe as a penicillin injection (AGI, 2005; Rock & Jones, 2003; Paul et al., 1999; Gold, 1990).

Medically safe, legal abortion has had a profound impact on American women and their families.

* Couples at risk of having children affected with severe and often fatal genetic disorders have been willing to conceive because of the availability of amniocentesis and safe, legal abortion (Milunsky, 1989).
* Following the legalization of abortion, the largest decline in birthrates were seen among women for whom the health and social consequences of unintended childbearing are the greatest women over 35, teenagers, and unmarried women (Levine, et al., 1999). Today, thirty percent of the abortions in the U.S. are provided to women over 35 and to teenagers (CDC, 2004).
* In 2001, nearly 60 percent of all abortions were performed at or before eight weeks of pregnancy, when the procedure is the safest one death for every one million procedures (AGI, 2005).
* Half of all pregnancies in the U.S. each year are unintended, and about half of these are terminated by medically safe, legal abortions. In 2002, 1.29 million abortions took place, down from an estimated 1.61 million in 1990. From 1973 through 2002, more than 42 million legal abortions occurred (AGI, 2005; Henshaw, 2003).
* If safe, legal abortion were not available, more women would experience unwanted childbearing, and unwanted childbearing affects the entire family. Mothers with unwanted births suffer from higher levels of depression and lower levels of happiness than mothers without unwanted births. They spank and slap their children more often than other mothers, and spend less leisure time outside the home with their children. Lower-quality mother/child relationships are not limited to the child born as a result of the unwanted pregnancy all the children in the family suffer (Barber, et al., 1999).
* The legalization of abortion has also improved the average living conditions of children. Because of increased access to abortion, cohorts born after 1973 are less likely than those born before 1973 to be in single-parent households, to live in poverty, and to receive welfare. They also experience lower infant mortality rates (Gruber, et al., 1999).
* In 1973, the majority of abortions were performed in hospitals. Today, most abortions are performed in clinics. This change in locale has also allowed more women to have access to comprehensive reproductive health services, including, but not limited to, contraceptive counseling, family planning services, and gynecological care (Cates, et al., 2003).

The health and well-being of women and children suffer the most in states that have the most stringent anti-abortion laws.

* Compared to pro-choice states, anti-abortion states spend far less money per child on a range of services such as foster care, education, welfare, and the adoption of children who have physical and mental disabilities (Schroedel, 2000).
* The states that have the strongest anti-abortion laws are also the states in which women suffer from lower levels of education and higher levels of poverty, as well as from a lower ratio of female-to-male earnings. They also have a lower percentage of women in the legislature and fewer mandates requiring insurance providers to cover minimum hospital stays after childbirth (Schroedel, 2000).

In sum, no amount of controversy over abortion can negate the evidence that American women, men, children, and families have reaped great benefits to their physical, mental, and social health from the U.S. Supreme Court's historic decision in Roe v. Wade. Any erosion of a woman's right and access to medically safe, legal abortion jeopardizes the health of women, their families, and the nation as a whole.



Clinics Nationwide Stay Open
The South Dakota ban on nearly all abortions, recently signed into law by Gov. Mike Rounds (R), poses a significant threat to reproductive rights. However, the law is not currently in effect, and it's important for women to know that for the time being, abortion remains legal and accessible in South Dakota, in other states considering similar bans, and in all of the United States.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Roe v. Wade that it was unconstitutional for states to ban all abortions. Since that ruling, states have not been able to enforce bans on all abortions. Unless the court overturns its decision in Roe, abortion will remain legal in all 50 states. The threat of the court overturning Roe is a real one, but for now, as long as Roe stands, abortion bans like South Dakota's will not be enforced.

The Planned Parenthood health center in Sioux Falls, SD is still open to support the needs of the women of South Dakota. In addition to birth control and the full range of reproductive health services, the Sioux Falls clinic still offers pregnancy testing, pregnancy options information, and abortion services to women who need them.

We have learned that some women believe that abortion has been made illegal in some states. This is not the case. We urge women who need abortion in states that are considering abortion bans to contact us or other reputable providers. They should not attempt to provide themselves with abortion. Self-induced abortion without medical supervision is very dangerous and is an unnecessary risk.

Women in South Dakota and any other state seeking abortion services can call 1-800-230-PLAN to be connected to the nearest Planned Parenthood health center.

The best spoken word ever (for those of you who missed the past link). It pretty much sums up humans:
dance monkeys dance

Oh, and here's another awesome site that everyone should check out:
twobitgamers

Let me know what you think!

As for the world here, it goes... wie immer.

I'm being somewhat productive... Things are pretty good, and I've been having some awesomely strange dreams. Other than that I'm just taking some time to catch up on school.

Question time:
What was the funniest thing that has happened to you or that you have seen happen in the past 3 days?

the false facade of "everything's ok"

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved"

"Paining me throuh: those sounds grow strange to me,
And thou are distant in Humanity."


The plastic package for the poor
who have no selves to sell
and all is good and well
I hope all is good and well.

when I have no self to sell...

Ever feel like you don't have anything to offer people? You are useless?
I will solace in the fact that I will learn something form this. I will take this and channel it for the things I had no passion before to accomplish. Some spells take love, some faith, others determination.... some, just take pure passion and emotion... which is all I have left to use.

I will grow and have more than eyes to fill my cup as those poor plastic people run by in their rush to finish. I will project the world I wish to be in.

In other news... I almost lost it again today. Somethings are better left unsaid, but here is another thing for me to regret in the morning:

I had another realistic dream last night. We were trying to distract people to get a mission done. Some had snuck in under the pretenses that they were dead bodies... unfortunately the leader I was distracting wanted me to open one of them up and show him the research that "had been done". There I was... the future of our cause and the life of the martyr that would have been my comrade.;... and me with the long rod to take tissue samples.... and I felt the fear and sadness I stood with a straight face and plunged it into the poor girl. It's odd to know how one would react in such a situation. I am slightly ashamed to know.

I then woke and found it later than it should have been. I rushed to find clothing for class and wanted to wear my women's rights shirt, but couldn't find it. Instead I grabbed a hellraiser shirt and ran to class. Oddly enough the teacher had forgotten his lecture on gun laws at home and decided to talk about rape (the next lecture). He talked about how violent horror movies of the 80's contributed to hostilities against women. I was slightly taken back. I left the class thinking of the Bush song with sex and violence only to get on a bus that was playing that song. I left our little world for a little while and wasn't sure if I wanted to come back this time. My inner voice told me to be calm and I knew that zen was far at this point... but I didn't want to come back.

I hate coincidences....
I hate running into people that you don't want to run into and feeling as if it's some cosmic coincidence to let you know that you are headed in the wrong direction.
I hate when you wanted to head that way.
I hate the need for humans to want love, esp. a perfect one that would never exist.

To love and be loved, eh? I love too much and have too little to love in return.
Today a crazy man cam e up to me and introduced himself. He then stood there and looked at me. I asked him what he wanted and he said "to tell you you are a goddess". I don't take compliments well and blushed while averting my eyes.

I deeply want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and mean it. I want someone to love me for all of my insanity. I will not settle for less... and so I will not settle at all.

If I am a goddess it is one of confusion, compassion, and child-like awe.

and it is with that that I will go and hope of better dreams to fill me with the life that I long for... for good or bad, the passionate feelings that one needs to feel human.

SO here we are again..... only slightly impaired, but aren't we all?

Again commenting on te shoes I look down on that seem too big to be my own. The roles forced onto me in a place I am not sure of.

just be.

This whole birthday thing is just a whole extention of the self... das ich. Either way... it's a hell of a good time to throw a party.

For those who still need directions to the party this friday, just let me know.

I'll be sure to update you all later tonight... It will probably make a lot less sense though.

less than three,
me

edited to say... if the birthday monster is going to make everyone come see my page... it should help at least one thing...

It only takes a minute....

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free m ammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle).

WWW.THEBREASTCANCERSITE.COM

Damn it... it went down again. When it's back up and running go check out the best site online (next to this one):

http://www.ernestcline.com/dmd/