J'arrête pas de pleurer.

Cela fait deux heures que je pleure, que je pleure, encore et encore. Mon coeur semble être sur le point d'exploser. J'ai l'impression de déborder, d'être juste en train de craquer nerveusement.
Je pleure, je vois plus rien, je frappe dans les murs, je m'écorche les poings.
Je pleure sur "Everybody's gotta learn sometimes" de Beck, même si ce n'est pas original..
Je sais pas ce que je fais de ma vie pour le moment. Tout change et rien ne va. Comme si tout me poussait à renoncer à mes rêves, à mes putains d'envies.
Comme une pression étouffante. Oublie tes rêves, sois un mouton, vis la vie que nous te proposons en promotion, avec une sécurité sociale enrichie en anti-dépresseurs ! Répète après nous : Bêêêêêh...

Les gens m'abandonnent, les contextes m'abandonnent.

Je me sens seule, terriblement seule, et mon poing me fait mal. J'ai frappé trop fort.

Des mensonges, des non-dits, des fausses joies pour de vraies déchirures, des gens qui font croire que, et moi qui croit, qui croit, qui fait confiance, aveuglément, stupidement, et moi qui me fait avoir, qui me fait rouler, qui me fait lacérer le coeur tant il est tendre sur son plateau d'argent que je tend naivement...

Aidez moi, je sais pas quoi faire.. Je me sens si seule, si perdue, si désorientée...

Je ne sais pas quoi faire, où vivre, pourquoi, pour qui, avec qui, comment, pour quoi...

Où est ma vie ? ...







Mal au poing d'avoir trop frappé, mal au ventre d'avoir pleuré, suffoqué, hyperventilé, paniqué..
Mal au coeur de trop aimer, sans raison, jusqu'à une déraison trop douloureuse, trop fusionnelle, trop passionelle, pas assez naturelle, pas assez large, trop étroite, trop étriquée, trop difficile à vivre, trop maladroite à supporter.

Mal .. mal ... mal ...



I think I need this girl in my life, she would make it lighter..

During my free time..




EDIT :

Yesterday I went back to Ritual Tattoo, with a friend and her boyfriend ( a photographer) . My friend made a tattoo and after it, her boyfriend asked to do some pics, randomly, in the street..

I just received some of these pics ... So, that's me, natural.. in my everyday life..





These pics are the property of Eric, check his website

I HAVE IT !!!!

My tatoo's done !!

So so so happy ! Here are some pics. But it still looks bloody there, so it seems that flowers are colored. But they aren't, it's only black and white.

About my first idea, the guy (Fat Tiger from Ritual Tattoo in Brussells ) told me that it was nearly impossible in the hand so I decided to do something on the wrist and smaller than I had thought before.

SO.. Pics and video now !









Fat Tiger sent me a friend request on myspace and wrote something really lovely :

"Fier d'avoir mis quelques fleurs dans ta vie, j'espère qu'elles ne fâneront jamais"

I could translate by : "Proud to have put several flowers in your life, I hope they will never die"



Soon I'll show you a pic of my tattoo without blood Soon !

Some of you asked about my tatoo.

Here are some informations in pics..

First, just to show how it would be on my wrist (it's not mine on the pic, I only found it on google ) :



I don't have pics of the sanskrit word I'd like to write in the center but I found some ideas of the things around :





So, I think that tuesday I'm going to talk about it with the guy who will tatoo me. Maybe it will be done this week !!

Hi people !

How are you tonight ? I'd like to know, really. Please tell me in your comment how you are, what are your problems for the moment, how was you day, aso...

And, another question.. What are you doing tonight ? I don't know personnally... If someone wants to help me to create my first tatoo, contact me. I can't use photoshop (but I'd like too, soon )

So, I'm waiting for you. Tell me everything..

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EDIT :

Dwam is amazingly hot and beautiful.. I could fall in love for her ! Look at her..

21/02/08

+- 10:00 p.m. :

I'm going out ! Excuse me if I come back drunk !

If someone has a camera, you'll have pics !

xoxoxo

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EDIT: 3:28 a.m.

haha. i'm drunk. Maybe some pics tomorrow. good night..

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EDIT :
22/02/08
12:00 a.m. :

Hello !

Yeah, I was a little bit drunk yesterday ( wine + vodka + beers + beers + beers, ...) .. but it was a really funny evening. In belgium we have "circles" of students (who study the same thing ) and "regionals" of students ( who come from the same region of Belgium ). I'm a member of the circle of philosophy's students.

I still don't have any pics of yesterday but, to make you wait, I'm going to show you how is the life here..
You can see that my friends' faces are hiden by Sponge Bob. Because SG is a rather special website and that I'm not sure everyone wants to be on it. So, I respect them, and I hide them. Thanks !




(Yeah that's me and I can do it. But on this pic, I don't do it well )





Beeeeeeeer !!



Click to read !

Hi guys and girls !

Today, I'd like to talk about something I guess you know : Tektonik

After punk-grunge, hip-hop, electro.. Now, if you want to be a fashion person, you HAVE TO be a tektonik dancer.

Haha. I HATE tektonik. I'm ok to say that the "Tektonik hymn" ( I mean Alive by Mondotek ) is a nice song. But when I look at the clip I find that the tektonik dance doesn't have the right rythm for this kind of songs. Look at this clip and you'll realise that : Music and dance are not together. The only moment I can like is when they dance together. Tektonik looks good when lot of people dance in the same time. If you dance it alone, sorry but you look really stupid.

But, don't worry, I've found the answer to your problem. You like tektonik music but you don't want to seem stupid when you dance ?
Someone has already found the RIGHT DANCE to this music, long ago ! I mean : MC HAMMER !

Mc Hammer has been known for songs like "U can't touch this"

I'm sure that tektonik dancers of today found their inspiration in Mc Hammer's dance. But they didn't make it well.

So, I'm just going to show you that tektonik SHOULD have been danced by Mc Hammer, and Mc Hammer only.




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Present of the day :

My boyfriend likes to draw. Here is a drawing of me he did some months ago..



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EDIT :

No boobs, no blood = no comments


Okay, I'll remember that

I'm thinking about telling the story of my scare in the neck. I'd explain everything, with scaring pictures before-during-after

But I'm not sure it's a good idea. Maybe you can see naked beautiful girls but no opened throats.

Are you too sensible to see it ?

Tell me, and if you want it, I'll tell you everything

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EDIT : You seem interested so.. I'm going to explain !

So, at the end of my secundary school ( nearly 2 years ago ), I had a problem in my neck. It began to swell and to swell again, it hurted a lot ! I couldn't keep my head right.
So, I went to the hospital, where I stayed during one week, with lot of cortisone (I don't know if it's the right english word ) and antibiotics.

After some medical exams, doctors discovered that I have a congenital anomaly.

It's called "fistule branchiale" in french but don't know in english. I'm going to explain..

When you are in the uterus of your mother, at a moment you have a "fish moment" with webbed fingers and the thing in the neck that fishes use to breath. You understand my horrible english ? Right, I continue..
This thing in the neck should close totaly and build your throat, aso.. But I had a really really small problem : a small hole remains deep into my throat. So, nothing that we could see but really deep into it.

If I had continued to live with, I'd have problems again and again, and it would have became really difficult to care it with the time.

So, I decided to accept the operation that was necessary.

So, here, a pic before my operation :



Then : a pic when I stayed 1 week at the hospital ( the first time so )



And now, pics DURING THE OPERATION !

/! WARNING : THESE PICS CAN HURT THE SENSIBILITY !!!!!! /!

First : a pic INTO my throat. You can see the small hole in the left ..

Then : pics of my opened throat. These pics are really horrible .. HAHA

Now, pics taken with my phone, after the operation, at the hospital where I stayed 1 week without eating nor drinking ( haaaaaard !! )







When I saw my scare for the first time, I cried a long long time.. It was so big, so horrible, so ugly.. I was really sad.

Here are a pic some months after the operation. It was the first time I wanted to make pictures of my scare, to accept it as being a part of me.




And finally, I'm alive

My scare now is like on pics of Julien S Buchem.


What a lovely story, isn't it ?

Haha ! You ask some boobs, I give you blood


xoxoxo


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20/02/08
EDIT :

I'm happy to see that you "like" my story

I'm going to answer to some of comments :

everthere wrote :
I assume this thing you has is pretty rare? I mean, that would explain why you have pictures of during the operation because I don't think doctors enjoy many kodak moments in the O.R. In any case, it's pretty cool to have pix like that - a whole different take on inner beauty.

Yeah, It's really rare. Doctor who made the operation was an expert of throat and it was his.. 4th or 5th operation of a "fistule branchiale" in his life, .. and he was old

su22kr68 wrote :
Ciao Maedusa, I am very happy now your health it is ok. Your cutting on the neck is better than all tattoos you are thinking. If you really want a tattoo choose a small one please because maybe you don't know how perfect is your body.

Don't worry, My first tatoo will be on my wrist, just a small word in sanskrit

Hello !

Today, I've got a question to ask to belgian members/SG !

I'd like to do my first tatoo ( but more symbolic than 'artistic' so it will be rather small ) but I really don't know WHERE to go, here in Belgium. In or near Brussels if possible.. Do you have some informations for me ? Where did you go ?

I'd really appreciate your help <3

Oh, and some pics ! My presents for you !

( Yeah, I know.. I should show my boobs clearly .. but it's less funny ^^ .. Soon, I promise you ! )

These 2 pics are property of Guillaume Boetti






And, Oh !!
An ooold pic of the sweet Abbiss that I discovered in my files..
If she wants I delete this pics from my blog, I'll do I'm waiting her answer..



( God, we were so young ! I don't remember how old we were.. maybe she will.. )


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EDIT :


The sweet Abbiss asked to her friends to welcome me. Thanks a lot ! I was surprised to find so much comments and friend requests when I arrived ! <3

She talked about me and how we met, some years ago. I'm going to copy her story and "answer" to some things I'd like to tell


But I've wanted to speak about this girl for long. I didn't do it because I was waiting for her to come here as an SG with a set by 2Shadowland. She decided to make it in an other way... But it's her decision.

Yeah, we used to have some ideas for an SG set. And, yeah, I've been a bitch about it, because for some reasons, I changed my mind and asked to someone else. These reasons still aren't really clear in my mind but I think it's a mix of fear, shame, and some others moods I felt at this moment. I have some regrets about how this story happened, even if I'm really happy to shoot with P-Mod soon, and I still hope that someday I'll shoot with 2shadowland and.. maybe for a multi with Abbiss ? I don't know, .. "Inch'Allah" !

She has known SG for long, as myself, but I think I convinced her to become one... I think she is now into modelling thanks to me, even if all I did was inviting her to a photography exhibition she never came to. I tried to make her feel better with her body a lot of times. We had the same problems and the same way of thinking on this matter.

Yeah, It's thanks to her if I'm today on SG ! She talked to me about it when I was in exams, and it disturbed me a lot But no regrets, I'm so so happy ! And yeah, I started modelling thanks to her too. About the photography exhibition, I wanted to go to, but it was the evening of the day I was receiving my exams results. And I had to come back in the summer for 3 exams more, because I had failed them. So I was a little bit sad and my mood wasn't really nice to go to a party..


We were together one day, one single day, after some time of internet/phone relationship. But we were both too shy and a bit too separated to go on. I still loved her a lot and then appreciated her as a friend I wanted to help.

Then she got into modelling and changed so much. And I started liking her less and even hating her in the end, some weeks ago. I'm sure she knows why, even if it doesn't come to her mind.

I have lot of regrets about this time.. I discovered a really sweet girl this day in Namur, even if we were too shy at this moment.. And I wanted to keep her deep in my heart. I really loved her.
I think that I'm not the only one to have changed. We changed both, but not together, so it was sometimes difficult to keep the same relationship. I don't think it's because of modelling, but more because of our ways of living. I arrived at the university : lot of parties, of drink, of really differents things.. So I loose a bit myself, my old friends, aso..
I'm just, now, coming back to "who I was before arriving at the university". I don't drink anymore, or really few. No more drunk-parties, I prefer sweet parties at home with close friends..
But, why am I telling this ? Don't know
Ha yeah, so : We changed, and it has been a little bit difficult between us for a moment.

When she came to the website, she sent me a friend request and that's how I knew she was here. I accepted it for what she was before and for her angel face. But still didn't want to speak with her. I cryed thinking about that and finally decided I should speak to her and see how it goes. I think we are or were important in each other life so I must make the effort, even if it will be difficult for me to forget what she did.
.

When I received her message, I was in heavens. I'm really happy to have news of her again, and not only her SG blog I was reading when I wanted to know how fine she was.
Thanks to her for that, it makes me really really fine..

S'you soon sweet Abbiss !



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EDIT 2 :

I justed posted an old video !

Okay.

I'm now a member of SuicideGirls.com.It was easy. Someone offered me 3 months to discover SG.
And I'm so happy, because I can see all these beautiful girls naaaaaked
Oh God, I'd like to become a SuicideGirl but when I see you, girls.. i'm so ashamed..

But I'm going to try. I have a shooting with P-Mod soon, and then.. I'll hope.. But it will be more difficult than to be a member..

S'you soon !

xoxo

Maedusa

If you want to see some dressed or almost naked picture of me.. It's by Justeb and they are news and not official yet ! Hope you'll like them..