This week I've been reading poetry known as "Trench poetry" millions of soldiers durring the first world war wrote poetry and sent it home recounting the brutal and patriotic scenes that they witnessed. The poetry is vivid with imagry and in it's own way beautiful with rythmic voice and classic form. The Germans used mostly modern forms but still as amazing. This is where my head has been as I work day in and day out in this toxic environment. it's been said that those who wander are not always lost yet I feel lost. My mind is a voice louder than the last, saying nothing, and searching over for meaning. I am sifting through mental garbage just looking for the one pice of gold not knowing if it's even in there. I had a dream last night that I cut part of my toe off and all that was inside was fleshy sand like mush. I thought about it this morning searching for meaning in that too. My mind is telling me to move on or face the fact that I will become empty inside, bitter, numb and passionless. So then I went to the movies, my only way to escape my beating mind. I saw the hurt locker. For those who don't know, it's a film about 3 bomb experts in Iraq counting down the days. I have to say it was very hard to sit through. Not quite an action film, only a little blood, but pure emotion and I have to say it seemed accurate. It covered topics like PTSD and survivers guilt. I sit here having this week and think of what a world we live in, and who am I anyway. Having spent time in the Army I feel close to those who fight, sad for the lives lost those of my friends, as well as ALL others who have died, for what? For oil or sacred sand. Is it worth more covered in blood? Is it worth the economic crisis that we live in today where people are reduced to mear pawns, zombies even working for nothing watching the rich get fatter. While I am here, once full of passion for life, with skill and the desire to learn. Now only a shell of what once was. I walked through the fires of my life beating myself up for not being stronger dealing with situations that NO one should ever have to. And I am here still with burning feet tired of the fight to survive because where does it lead. I am not free, I am a slave to the whip of modern life. I am broken spirit, alone in a fairweather friendship with everyone. Searching for an end to my suffering and nothing more. I can not change the world, nor the lives of those I love and care about. I can not make people see the light in me, so it dulls slowly becoming less important, till my voice is only a whisper, then it is gone. the death of the life within me, just an empty shell with nothing left to take.

hello world, or whoever is on here. So I've been traveling a ton. Greece, Vegas, Portland, New York, what next?! Next over seas trip i'd love to see Istanbul but I hear you can get ripped off easy, so I dunno. A party in Iceland, maybe Japan. The world is my oyster and I've never felt so free. I love living in San Francisco I could just breathe this city in and never let it out. The raw humanity and real life happening around you it brings you out of yourself. I never want to get to a point where I just think of myself or my little petty world. I want to be reminded that I am a pea sized being in this universe. I hope that anyone stressed out with life can think about this for a moment. We are all just small pieces of fuzz floating in the world and time we live in. It is amazingly simple and peaceful to think of life as such. Light hearted and free.

This is the first time I've been unemployed since...hmm.... I think I was 15! What is wrong with this world, our economy, where a fully abled, talented, and hard working person can't even get a job paying minimum wage. Not to mention I have a BS in business administration. I've sent out over 50 resumes and I haven't had one reply. I don't understand it. My dad says things will be better after the election, but meanwhile I have rent to pay. Luckly I'm not like most I know, I don't own credit cards and i'm not in debt. But I do have to live. I don't want something for nothing, I like to work, I'm a very hard worker. So what's the deal America?

I went to an awesome show in SF last night.. G love and special sauce. I woke up with " your baby aint sweet like mine, she's got sauce" stuck in my head. I had so much fun despite the long haired hippy in front of me who was swinging his greasy hair in my face the whole time. eventually I just put my arm up and let him ram his head into that. It was a great venue and pretty small. G-love was almost on top of me! yummy, gotta love a guy with a harmonica and those shakin' legs!

so bloging is like a diary only you let everyone see it. It's kinda like you just wave to all of them and say" I know you wont read this, cause you probably don't know i even wrote it, but here I am and this is on my mind, it should be on yours for a while too."

so whats new you ask? Still waiting to go live on this site, That'll be a happy day. Still doing the dating scene, it's odd and frustrating at times. I wish everyone had some sort of radio wave detector that I could just stand next to tham and know they were either going to screw me up in some major way or maybe it would be worth it. So that's where I am about that. Apparently I'm attracted to anything that causes gross emotional trauma ok ok it hasn't been THAT bad. In other news I made the roller derby team and I'm super excited to start playing. Our season starts in Feb. if i'm good enough by then I might actually get some floor time...but if not i'll be selling y'all some beer other than all that......

Global warming is taking white christmas away!!! it's been pretty warm here so I'm not really in the mood to shop maybe i can get away with only shopping online!!! Good luck to the rest of you!

So I went out to a lake with this guy, ( this is the short version of the story since the long one sucks)
And i didn't really know what he was videoing, but this was the result after editing. It's me acting like a killer OOOOH are you all scared now??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9ocWv9cT-g

Well I got the call back for the film so that's where I will spend my Sunday!! I'm very excited. If I get the part it will be the lead. So cross your fingers y'all!!!

Hey guess what I'm on AIM now. My name is MadelineSuicide so add me.

So I just got back from an audition. At first I was pretty nervous. I had to wait a while so I started to get comfortable. Then I went in to the small stuffy room, shook all the hands and gave my best, not over the top, smile. I stood on cue and tried to remember all the points.....and then i was off........I had only practiced my monologue in front of the cakes I ice at work. So to have an unfrosted audience, well my nerves came back. and then I did it, I forgot part but they never noticed. then I did a cold read for three different characters. they seemed pleased so it fueled me to be more and more amazing. I also had to read oposite my good friend and wonderful actress. We did so good. I managed to turn a half hour audition into a 3 hour read through and testimonial. But I came out of that room glowing like an angel. I was on such an adrinaline rush. It always reminds me why I love acting. I will feel like this for a while but then the crash comes. oh the enevitable crash!!! it's the extreem cycle of my life ups and downs and nothing in between

School is in session...Again. I'm in my last year, i hope. I'm so ready to move on and do something better, bigger!!! TA DA !
I've been working at a bakery for the past 2 years. It's ok but not what I want to do. The creativity has been sucked out of my bones and replaced with monotony. The same people come in and order the same thing over and over and over. It makes me want to scream! I cherish the times that I get to work on wedding cakes or something crazy. And then there are the customers. I just want to say to all of you who have never worked in food service, be a GOOD customer. be decisive and don't change your order a million times after it's gone to the kitchen. Don't call and place a large order and then not pick it up. Oh and for that matter canceling your order only moments before you are to pick it up is just as bad.
Well now I guess i could go on forever about that. I was going to write about school....Anyone want to help me with my math?

*Sigh* You know it's a good blog when you start out with a sigh. I'm feeling a little sad and discouraged. I submitted my set and at first I was accepted, then I got an e-mail last night rejecting my set. I know many might think it's not work but it is. For the set I did, I drove pretty far to meet the photographer and then shot pictures for about 4 hours and drove another couple hours home. After that My photographer spent HOURS on the pictures making them the right specs for this site. So it seems it was a lot of hard work for nothing. In hind site I can see where I could improve some of the expression and body language, yet I still don't think it's that bad. I think the pictures are not in order the way I would have put them. I would love any suggestions for a second set. It's very easy to get discouraged in the modeling business. I've had to filter through many creeps just to make it this far. well anyway I'll be waiting for some good ideas from all of you. thanks