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Man, by his nature, is an exile and will never be self-sufficient or complete on this earth.
Evelyn Waugh
But even exile can be eased.
Evelyn Waugh
But even exile can be eased.
Holy shit. Okay. My best friends in the world want me to move to Seattle for the next five months.
One of my oldest friends is having a baby in 25 days and wants me to spend some time with her and the little booger before I leave the state. Another friend has offered me a place to live, which would only be $100 more than what I'm paying in rent right now. And another acquaintance has promised to get me a job gogo dancing - which, if I can pull it off, would pay the bills for sure.
The only things I'll really miss about where I'm living now are my Taiko troupe and my close proximity to my family and my favorite poet pal.
But after weighing my options, I might just do it.
One of my oldest friends is having a baby in 25 days and wants me to spend some time with her and the little booger before I leave the state. Another friend has offered me a place to live, which would only be $100 more than what I'm paying in rent right now. And another acquaintance has promised to get me a job gogo dancing - which, if I can pull it off, would pay the bills for sure.
The only things I'll really miss about where I'm living now are my Taiko troupe and my close proximity to my family and my favorite poet pal.
But after weighing my options, I might just do it.
Some days I can't believe my luck. In quick succession, I have learned: that I can't afford to go to school until fall 2007, because I can't get financial aid this year; that my car is broken beyond repair; and that a past-due bill has gone into collections and is now twice the amount it was originally.
That aside, I enjoyed the last week I spent in Boston and Seattle. I was really happy to meet several lovely SGs at the Suicide Saturday event in Providence, shoot a multi with Granny (photographed by tmronin, who is fucking astounding!) and explore Boston and Northampton. Attending the Body Worlds 2 exhibit with meros1 was also one of my favorite experiences. Not to sound like a total nerd, but I was blown away by the internal structure of the human body. And it was an overwhelming feeling, looking at the exposed muscles and tendons of people who had once lived as I did, and realizing that our physical bodies are merely chunks of meat. There's a lot more I felt in addition to that, but I'm using my buddy's laptop and don't have the time to write it all down here.
I didn't take many pictures during my trip, unfortunately, but perhaps that will be remedied the next time I'm in the area. So that's about it. Honestly, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I'm frustrated with myself, with the fact that the things I envision and feel seem so completely mediocre and boring and repetitive when they come out of my mouth, that I can't seem to communicate well with the people who matter most to me, and that I end up caring so much about people at all.
And all things considered, I have no real idea what will happen in the next few months. I'm getting really tired of things not working out. It's exhausting.
On a more positive note, everybody should listen to Overkill's "I Hear Black," at least once.
UPDATE:
So I wrote the above post in a fit of misery and fairly substantial physical weariness. things will not be all that bad. I'll move as i planned, and i'll get to know the area before i actually start attending classes. Also, a friend is selling his van and I'm buying! Moving will be significantly easier. This roomy vehicle has a lot of new engine work, as well as a great sound system. So if I do happen to break down somewhere, at least I'll be listening to decent music!
Oh, and not that you can really see what's being consumed, but that's me eating madeleines in Seattle.
That aside, I enjoyed the last week I spent in Boston and Seattle. I was really happy to meet several lovely SGs at the Suicide Saturday event in Providence, shoot a multi with Granny (photographed by tmronin, who is fucking astounding!) and explore Boston and Northampton. Attending the Body Worlds 2 exhibit with meros1 was also one of my favorite experiences. Not to sound like a total nerd, but I was blown away by the internal structure of the human body. And it was an overwhelming feeling, looking at the exposed muscles and tendons of people who had once lived as I did, and realizing that our physical bodies are merely chunks of meat. There's a lot more I felt in addition to that, but I'm using my buddy's laptop and don't have the time to write it all down here.
I didn't take many pictures during my trip, unfortunately, but perhaps that will be remedied the next time I'm in the area. So that's about it. Honestly, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I'm frustrated with myself, with the fact that the things I envision and feel seem so completely mediocre and boring and repetitive when they come out of my mouth, that I can't seem to communicate well with the people who matter most to me, and that I end up caring so much about people at all.
And all things considered, I have no real idea what will happen in the next few months. I'm getting really tired of things not working out. It's exhausting.
On a more positive note, everybody should listen to Overkill's "I Hear Black," at least once.
UPDATE:
So I wrote the above post in a fit of misery and fairly substantial physical weariness. things will not be all that bad. I'll move as i planned, and i'll get to know the area before i actually start attending classes. Also, a friend is selling his van and I'm buying! Moving will be significantly easier. This roomy vehicle has a lot of new engine work, as well as a great sound system. So if I do happen to break down somewhere, at least I'll be listening to decent music!
Oh, and not that you can really see what's being consumed, but that's me eating madeleines in Seattle.
My cat went missing while I was visiting friends in California earlier this week! My roommates said they hadn't seen him since I left. Poor Kafka - I hope he comes back! Searching the neighborhood proved to be pretty pointless. He probably knew he was scheduled to be neutered today and made a run for it, balls intact.
This, by the way, was one of the best things I happened to see in San Diego:
It made me really happy, although it led to all sorts of juvenile jokes among my cronies about octopi being our underwater allies.
My week was really rushed, but I'm glad I got the opportunity to hang out with old friends. We've all changed, but our friendships have become closer in the past few years.
It also felt really good to spend time with friends who are going places - one built his own customs business from the ground up, another finished college a year early, is on her way to Korea to teach English, and is launching her own indie fashion line - and realize that they're just as happy for me as I am for them. My friends in my current city of residence have been annoying me with their constant negativity: "Sure, it's great you're going to Smith, but where are you going to live? How are you going to commute? How will you afford everything? You won't know anybody over there." It was all starting to make me nervous, especially since I've been somewhat apprehensive about those niggling little problems anyway.
However, the friends who know me best are not only genuinely excited for me, but fully support me. I'm so glad to know people like this. I'm going to miss them a lot. But we'll always be looking out for each other, no matter how far apart we are.
So...now I'm getting ready for the next few weeks.
I'm going to spend a day in Seattle shooting a new set (yay!) and then I'm heading off to the East Coast to check out things at Smith, look at possible housing situations and touch Granny's butt. I'm also looking forward to meeting the lovely ladies Bailey and Fatality in person. Oh yeah, and hanging out with that entertaining asshole Meros1, who doesn't know what he's in for.
Then, as soon as I get back, my classes begin. I'm not working full-time anywhere this semester, which was a hard decision but which I feel pretty good about now. I'll still be manning the local HoTo, and I have a new job doing body modeling for art classes a few days a week, but mostly I'll just be going to school and living like a poor person. I'm excited, though, to have more time to write for local publications and this chapbook project a poet friend and I have been putting together.
I've also been picking up some stray dollars modeling, and I have a few more trips scheduled for Los Angeles and Portland. I guess I have conflicting emotions regarding modeling; I'm not really into it except for whatever money I can get, but I do like serving as raw material for people who have a specific project or piece of art in mind. I find it funny, though, that the people I model for tell me how demure I look - then cause me to resemble a trailer park stripper or an abused child prositute.
I did just work with the totally awesome Beatrix Danko, who's doing a series of portraits like this:
I'm not a Communist any more than I'm a child whore, though.
This, by the way, was one of the best things I happened to see in San Diego:
It made me really happy, although it led to all sorts of juvenile jokes among my cronies about octopi being our underwater allies.
My week was really rushed, but I'm glad I got the opportunity to hang out with old friends. We've all changed, but our friendships have become closer in the past few years.
It also felt really good to spend time with friends who are going places - one built his own customs business from the ground up, another finished college a year early, is on her way to Korea to teach English, and is launching her own indie fashion line - and realize that they're just as happy for me as I am for them. My friends in my current city of residence have been annoying me with their constant negativity: "Sure, it's great you're going to Smith, but where are you going to live? How are you going to commute? How will you afford everything? You won't know anybody over there." It was all starting to make me nervous, especially since I've been somewhat apprehensive about those niggling little problems anyway.
However, the friends who know me best are not only genuinely excited for me, but fully support me. I'm so glad to know people like this. I'm going to miss them a lot. But we'll always be looking out for each other, no matter how far apart we are.
So...now I'm getting ready for the next few weeks.
I'm going to spend a day in Seattle shooting a new set (yay!) and then I'm heading off to the East Coast to check out things at Smith, look at possible housing situations and touch Granny's butt. I'm also looking forward to meeting the lovely ladies Bailey and Fatality in person. Oh yeah, and hanging out with that entertaining asshole Meros1, who doesn't know what he's in for.
Then, as soon as I get back, my classes begin. I'm not working full-time anywhere this semester, which was a hard decision but which I feel pretty good about now. I'll still be manning the local HoTo, and I have a new job doing body modeling for art classes a few days a week, but mostly I'll just be going to school and living like a poor person. I'm excited, though, to have more time to write for local publications and this chapbook project a poet friend and I have been putting together.
I've also been picking up some stray dollars modeling, and I have a few more trips scheduled for Los Angeles and Portland. I guess I have conflicting emotions regarding modeling; I'm not really into it except for whatever money I can get, but I do like serving as raw material for people who have a specific project or piece of art in mind. I find it funny, though, that the people I model for tell me how demure I look - then cause me to resemble a trailer park stripper or an abused child prositute.
I did just work with the totally awesome Beatrix Danko, who's doing a series of portraits like this:
I'm not a Communist any more than I'm a child whore, though.
Oh, crap.
I drank way too much red wine with my friends tonight and ended up at a shitty dive bar full of bikers. True story, but it would take too long to recount right now. I'm too drunk.
But I put this on special order forever ago and I finally get to pick it up tomorrow!
Don't worry, I won't be taking it to any biker bars.
Speaking of mail order, I want to purchase some absinthe and drink it with someone awesome. Absinthe was meant to be shared.
Yes, I'm going to bed.
I drank way too much red wine with my friends tonight and ended up at a shitty dive bar full of bikers. True story, but it would take too long to recount right now. I'm too drunk.
But I put this on special order forever ago and I finally get to pick it up tomorrow!
Don't worry, I won't be taking it to any biker bars.
Speaking of mail order, I want to purchase some absinthe and drink it with someone awesome. Absinthe was meant to be shared.
Yes, I'm going to bed.
Every so often I experience what Holly Golightly described as the "mean reds" and what caused Edgar Allan Poe "a heavy dread." For me, it's a dread of everything that might or might not be, and a dark haze I seem to wander in for weeks at a time. I forget to eat, I start smoking stray cigarettes, and I find it difficult to accomplish anything at all. When I'm not forcing myself to get the necessary things done, I'm lying on the sofa paging through books or listlessly cruising the Internet. Putting on a smile and a genial exterior for the benefit of others takes every ounce of energy I have. I feel like an unoriginal fake, existing by rote. I am exhausted in every bone, and I rarely have enough life in me to even write.
I've been dealing with this depression for several years, and it always eases. But I know it will return, and I tell myself I'll be better prepared next time- and I never am. I want to pull apart my body and find the center of this ache, I want to stop feeling so imprisoned in this sack of skin, I want to get rid of this throbbing hurt for good but I'm never able to.
After a few weeks, the pain begans to dissapear like an old scab, and I only feel a dead numbness. I am in that phase now and I'm looking forward to eventually feeling bright and positive again, but I hate being so dead. I almost prefer that inexplicable pain, because then I know I'm at least alive.
For whatever reason I deal with this - I'd like to think it's an artist's curse but far more likely I'm just one more screwed-up little girl - I'm determined not to let it conquer me. I've been told I'll probably experience these bouts of darkness and unease all my life. If that's the case, I'll at least try to remember how little any of it really matters. There are millions of people in the world whose daily life is merely a struggle to survive. My own feelings are of so little consequence in comparison. I've been reading news stories about Israeli bombings in Lebanon and deplorable refugee camp conditions in Darfur. Sometimes hearing of these things only draws the darkness closer, but it also increases my determination to do something - however small - to make the world a better place. So I pull myself up, and try again.
.
I've been dealing with this depression for several years, and it always eases. But I know it will return, and I tell myself I'll be better prepared next time- and I never am. I want to pull apart my body and find the center of this ache, I want to stop feeling so imprisoned in this sack of skin, I want to get rid of this throbbing hurt for good but I'm never able to.
After a few weeks, the pain begans to dissapear like an old scab, and I only feel a dead numbness. I am in that phase now and I'm looking forward to eventually feeling bright and positive again, but I hate being so dead. I almost prefer that inexplicable pain, because then I know I'm at least alive.
For whatever reason I deal with this - I'd like to think it's an artist's curse but far more likely I'm just one more screwed-up little girl - I'm determined not to let it conquer me. I've been told I'll probably experience these bouts of darkness and unease all my life. If that's the case, I'll at least try to remember how little any of it really matters. There are millions of people in the world whose daily life is merely a struggle to survive. My own feelings are of so little consequence in comparison. I've been reading news stories about Israeli bombings in Lebanon and deplorable refugee camp conditions in Darfur. Sometimes hearing of these things only draws the darkness closer, but it also increases my determination to do something - however small - to make the world a better place. So I pull myself up, and try again.
.
My new friend the crocodile and I spent a few lonely and fairly unproductive days in San Francisco.
But we're both back home now, and preparing for the week ahead. Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. Tuesday is hair extension and financial aid errand day. Wednesday is jam packed with interviews for new jobs and sundry writing chores. Thursday is filled by a super-rushed trip to my parent's house in another state. Friday is yours truly's birthday. High spirited mischief and shockingly good times may ensue. And Saturday and Sunday consists of a trip to Victoria, B.C. by ferry, a saunter through the wax museum, and high tea at a historic hotel. I'm getting lazy, and living large.
But we're both back home now, and preparing for the week ahead. Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. Tuesday is hair extension and financial aid errand day. Wednesday is jam packed with interviews for new jobs and sundry writing chores. Thursday is filled by a super-rushed trip to my parent's house in another state. Friday is yours truly's birthday. High spirited mischief and shockingly good times may ensue. And Saturday and Sunday consists of a trip to Victoria, B.C. by ferry, a saunter through the wax museum, and high tea at a historic hotel. I'm getting lazy, and living large.
So I'm in San Francisco right now doing a whole crapload of photos (stock photos, fine art stuff) with an area photographer. I'm getting ready to shoot my second SG set this afternoon - I can't tell you what it is, but it's going to be spectacular! I'm feeling ready to return, though. I keep thinking of all the things I have to do, and it's making me impatient. Plus I'm not getting along with the photographer all that well (stories shall follow) and oddly enough, I'm missing certain people a lot. However, a friend and I made an awesome purchase at a Haight thriftstore yesterday...we found a lifesize stuffed crocodile lying on the floor in the toy section, grinning up at us, and we couldn't help buying him. He's sitting on the bed next to me right now. It's kind of nice to have somebody to cuddle with.
It's ridiculously warm. We're at a record-breaking 105 Fahrenheit. I just returned from a wedding which was held on the sixth floor of a Masonic temple that wasn't equipped with air conditioning. I'm thinking of going to watch a movie in the theatre, just to escape the oppressive heat of my house. I'm hoping it will be slightly cooler in San Francisco, although the forecast isn't promising. Just two more days!
In other news, I've adopted a stray kitten that showed up at my house last week. He wouldn't leave, and nobody in the neighborhood seemed to know where he belongs. I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow to make sure that's he's healthy. Meet Franz Kafka:
He's quite friendly, and enjoys attacking people's shoes. This is not a good picture because, as my roommate pointed out, it looks as if I'm kicking him. But hopefully you can see that Kafka has a playful nature:
That's all for today.
In other news, I've adopted a stray kitten that showed up at my house last week. He wouldn't leave, and nobody in the neighborhood seemed to know where he belongs. I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow to make sure that's he's healthy. Meet Franz Kafka:
He's quite friendly, and enjoys attacking people's shoes. This is not a good picture because, as my roommate pointed out, it looks as if I'm kicking him. But hopefully you can see that Kafka has a playful nature:
That's all for today.
