PICS
I wrote paragraphs ¶graphs more, &deleted them. To be a bit more succinct: &I don't know the things you don't wear on your sleeve, don't know the things not sewn in scarlet letters across your chest. But it's okay. So long as I remember this, &you remember that, &we leave a little extra room to be loved in whatever way a stranger can love us.
I'm here. I'm alive. I'm mostly well. &I am loved. (This is my mantra.)
(From an old/new set, shot by Cherry. Keep an eye out for "Ace" in June!)
Facebook | Instagram: @fuckingdangerous | twitter: @LyxzenSuicide
"Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you."
-Deepak Chopra
I know most of the answers. :/
I need more cheery-uppy things, guys. Lay on the kitten videos, .gifs of animals running into things, photos of Kary Perry's boobs, &whatever else you've got.
Come say hi, okay??
These are the other babes that will be there:
Radeo
Rigel
Silencia
Toxic
Selene
Venus
Dali
Maybe a couple other girls, too! Seriously, I've met almost all of these ladies myself, &if you think they're hot on the website, you're gonna lose your mind, cos they're even more gorgeous in person.
I've been in a weird spot the last few months, asking a lot of questions &searching for answers to questions I haven't yet figured out how to ask. I've laughed &cried &hugged people, all harder than I ever have before. My friends (including a few "internet friends" ) have been there for me in more profound ways than I could have imagined. They've helped pull out the figurative shards of glass &tend to my wounds, or at the very least, bring me bandages when I had none.
I've kept some form of online journal for more than half my life now. Some entries have been rambling lists of weird shit I liked back then, or quotes from songs by bands I don't listen to anymore. Others, though, are things that I don't know how I wrote...Reading through them, I'm not even embarrassed about the majority of them! They're things that are sometimes beautiful &eloquent, &usually a little weird. &even if I don't always remember what or who I was writing about, they still stir something up in me. I wrote these things when I was 17, 19, 22 years old. All of the best ones were far more personal, &those I'll keep for myself, but here are a few I don't mind sharing:
I don't write about soba noodles anymore (well, I guess I just did), but I've reverted back to a secret blog elsewhere. Maybe someday I'll share it...when its'/I'm ready.
For now, I wake up trying to figure out a little more each day. I instinctively want to distract myself from the difficult shit, (Most nights, I can't fall asleep without the tv on.) but maybe I need to wallow a bit, trudge through it instead of walking 'round the perimeter. (Lord, do I need some Wellies.) I do read a lot more, &take down notes &whichever lines make my heart swell the most. I listen to music in a different way, I feel more connected to my friends, &I breathe a little bit deeper for days my breath is shallow. I'm feeling more like myself &simultaneously like I have farther to go than I ever have. Boy am I sorry to the people who read my blogs for the photos these days, haha.
I'm like this &like that &it's really not so hard to figure out, because I'm honest &pretty forthright, &even if there's one thing I think or feel, it's not so hard to make me think &rethink, or even to change my mind, if you do it with conviction. I am so taken aback by this quote, &try as I might, I can't put into words all of the other things I feel about it. Just...yeah.
"Go after her. Fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really."-Harvey Milk
But all the hard work, all the good karma, all the hope &forgiveness &journal entries in the world can't change things, can't make it be the right time, can't change other people.
"If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"-RuPaul
Thailand is really fucking hot.
India is really huge, but Delhi in particular is a crazy juxtaposition of enormous corporate buildings &shanty-town slums.
You will cry a lot, the whole time, really...
So right now, that's where I am. I'm a little better, but my body still aches, my heart aches, &my head spins &rocks at random intervals. My love...well, things were better &now they aren't, &I don't know what to do about that. I don't suppose there's much I can do anymore. I still love him with every ounce of my being &then some, but it's a lost cause if he doesn't feel the same way.
I've got a completely different perspective in so many ways, from appreciating my friends &family, my home, &my country so much more, to feeling calmer &more patient inside. I'm at another crossroads, though. &I have a lot to figure out. All I want is to fast-forward &be happily married, living in an amazing place with enormous windows, &making a generous living petting cats. Why can't that be my reality, eh? 
Facebook | Instagram: @fuckingdangerous | twitter: @LyxzenSuicide
Let me get real on you for a minute. There are certain things I've shared in my blog over the years, pretty personal things, too, but I've never really felt vulnerable with you guys. Right now, I feel crazy vulnerable. With everyone. Maybe this is one of those times that stepping outside my comfort zone is a good thing?
&so I'm starting by leaving home at the end of November, to fly around the world in 42 days. (Really, I'm only staying three places, but my flights will take me across the entire Northern Hemisphere.) I'll be spending two weeks each in Thailand, India, &Costa Rica, traveling alone, &with only my plane tickets set in stone. Where better to clear my head than foreign temples, crowded marketplaces, &muggy rainforests? Planning &researching for this trip has been the only thing keeping me sane these last few weeks.
Thank you for being here for me all these years, you guys...for laughs, for hugs, for internet shoulders to cry on.
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference."
-Virginia Satir
I know I'm supposed to end my blog with those things, but it seems a fitting place to start.
I'm trying to mend my broken heart, imagine I will be for awhile. Focusing on travel plans, appreciating the positivity &support I have around me, &trying to learn from my mistakes. (Maybe I'll write something super deep in this thing soon, more personal than I've ever been with you guys.)
For now, I want to say thank you for all the lovin's it took to get This Is It slapped up on that front page! My first set in over a year, eek! (I have 3 others I've already shot, don't worry!)
What were your favorite photos from this newest set? Here are mine:
&for those of you who didn't see it when I posted it on my facebook page, here's a snap P_mod took of me &Dwam, right after our shoot:
They're both just so great &so talented &I wish they didn't live so far away!
So yeah! Keep the sweetness a-flowin' on that set, &share it wherever you can, so SG knows you want to see more from me!
Here is another great thing:
Leave me your favorite cheery-uppy type things?
