[spoiler]

A couple weeks ago, the love of my life broke my heart. What started as a conversation about the distance &change in attitude I'd noticed lately, turned into him ending our relationship. He didn't do anything terrible, like cheat on me or lie about some big thing. I don't know if he fell out of love with me, or if he realized his priorities in life are different...I do know that I have flaws. He has flaws, too, &we had flaws together. (Is there anyone that doesn't?)

At some point when I was younger, I decided that it's not about loving someone for "who they are", but for who they're perpetually becoming, someone who makes you love who you're perpetually becoming, too. We weren't perfect, but I had that. I had it, &now I don't. It's torn me apart.

For the first week or so, I kept thinking that I could convince him to want to work things out, or to try staying together, but living apart. I realized his mind was made up, enough, anyways, &that whole, "if you love something, let it go" thing kept popping into my head. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Even now, I keep thinking that a gesture grandiose enough will do the trick, if only I can think of just the right one.

How many people can you count that have said, "when you know, you just know"? I knew it the first time we went to Hawaii &we lost a round of Catchphrase with our friends because he was expecting me to guess "a perfect match" with only him shouting the clue, "this is what we are" over &over again.

I feel like I'm going to go my whole life holding out hope that something will click, something will change, &everything will be okay with us again. Call me dramatic, but I've lost my Cliff Huxtable, my Danny Zuko, my goddamn Jim Halpert. I don't know when I'll be able to wear much more than waterproof mascara again.

All I can do is work on me right now.

I don't take most things for granted. (I mean, I can't think of anything that I take for granted, but I guess that's how it works, isn't it?) The trouble for me has been in consistently showing that appreciation, that respect, that love. There are times that I will always say "thank you," &offer any help I might be able to provide, but I've been terrible when it comes to my friends &especially to him. I'm so quick to express to others how amazing the people in my life are, but I need to tell them. It doesn't matter if they don't know how deeply I appreciate them, how unconditional my love is. They need to feel it.

I got the words "please" and "thank you" tattooed on my hands to remind me to be grateful &to mind my manners. I need to look down at them more often.

The things I used to do more, the things I've been wanting to try...I'm gonna start doing them, again or for the first time. Working out, both yoga &interval training; getting back to learning piano &reading sheet music; making time for creating physical art; making time for cooking &baking at home, especially if friends are involved; making time for anything, if friends are involved. These need to happen. &trying out voice lessons? Learning to meditate? Absolutely. If it means scheduling them in, so be it. It takes 30 days to make a habit, so it'll be second nature in no time.

I'm done with excuses. I'm done procrastinating &allowing "I don't feel like it" to be a reason not to do something I know I should take care of. I'm done allowing old injuries to dictate my physical activity (&lack thereof), allowing a temporary mood to keep me from doing the things I really want to be doing. Fuck that.