It's been a year now since you were here now
And I've been trying to heal inside
Dedications of how I placed
And I see your resemblance in my face
And on our birthday I said an extra wish for you (for you)

And I have learned so much since you been gone
And I have done so little for so long
So now I'll settle up my grievances
And focus on the savory
And wave all these discrepancies away
And I'll figure out these misconceptions
Give out faith at my discretion
Live a life that you would think was sane (sane)

Displaying changes
That they have made
And I wonder if you really wanted it this way
And in your memory they even hung a plaque for you (for you)

And I have learned so much since you been gone
And I have done so little for so long.
So now I'll settle up these grievances
And focus on the savory
And wave all these discrepancies away.
And I'll figure out these misconceptions
Give out faith at my discretion
Live a life that you would think was sane (sane)

God, I miss her.
So much.

Walking home tonight I saw the corpse of a christmas tree, broken limbs poking out of its green plastic body bag.
It made me sad. I will never get to visit yesterday again.
The thing I hate most about life is its impermanence. There is no forever. We leave objects as our legacy because they last longer than we do.
A few hunks of stone and metal, a china teacup from a place that hasn't existed since World War 2, it is not fair that these cold objects should last longer than a smart, sassy, warm, caring lady who had more life in her than anyone I've ever met.

Fuck you, cancer.

Fuck you.

Nana, my wonderful, incredible Nana, I can't come visit you today like I wanted to...I don't have the money to catch the Greyhound down. But I'll be thinking of you, and I'll be donating what I can afford to to the Canadian Cancer Society when I next get paid, and I'll try not to spend all day crying and thinking of how I wanted to climb into that coffin with you when the funeral was over and I had to say goodbye to you for good, because I felt like a part of me was being ripped out when I had to leave you there in the cold all by yourself surrounded by all of those corpses...not a day goes by that I don't think of you, Nana, and what a wonderful influence you were for me.
The best part of me died when you did, Nana. I don't know if you'd be quite as proud of me now as you were.
But I still love you...so much.
xoxo
your babylynn
p.s...If anyone asks me this time why I'm 'posting shit like this on a porn site', they're going to feel the sharp edge of my tongue. I try my best to keep my journal fairly upbeat and entertaining for the most part, but I'm a real person with real thoughts and feelings too, and expressing them makes me feel better. I don't see how being naked on the internet makes my feelings any less valid than the next person's. If you don't like it, well, that's why I put the spoiler tag there.
xoxo
love lucy