PICS
She hands me the phone. "Just humour this asshole" she tells me.
"Hi"
"Hi...you're very beautiful mistress, i'm just wondering, do you do greek?"
"um.....hang on."
i look at alexis and she can tell i'm puzzled. "What?" she asks me.
"What the fuck is greek?" i ask her.
She protectively rushes to the phone to handle this asshole.
"Does your fucking sister do greek? I already know your mother does" she says like an italian mafia hitwoman.
I barely know her and already love her.
we are both in the old track mark club.
she's super superstituos and very protective of her girls. In fact she told me that she never looks for new girls, they come to her and 95% of the time she can tell that she hates them and that they are "evil" in the first five minutes. she says she can feel their energy. She wanted me to work for her right away. She's a beautiful older woman, her skin tells a thousand lost stories.
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I wish he hadn't hit the play button on the answering machine.
his friend was dead, bottle crushed his head, bearer of bad news was a fucking answering machine.
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Liang is playing funny 80's music in the background and girls are running around in full fetish gear, if i was a guy, i'd jerk off. Suki just showed me how to do edgeplay/. She's such a skilled dominatrix.
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Love, Lily
"Hi"
"Hi...you're very beautiful mistress, i'm just wondering, do you do greek?"
"um.....hang on."
i look at alexis and she can tell i'm puzzled. "What?" she asks me.
"What the fuck is greek?" i ask her.
She protectively rushes to the phone to handle this asshole.
"Does your fucking sister do greek? I already know your mother does" she says like an italian mafia hitwoman.
I barely know her and already love her.
we are both in the old track mark club.
she's super superstituos and very protective of her girls. In fact she told me that she never looks for new girls, they come to her and 95% of the time she can tell that she hates them and that they are "evil" in the first five minutes. she says she can feel their energy. She wanted me to work for her right away. She's a beautiful older woman, her skin tells a thousand lost stories.
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I wish he hadn't hit the play button on the answering machine.
his friend was dead, bottle crushed his head, bearer of bad news was a fucking answering machine.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liang is playing funny 80's music in the background and girls are running around in full fetish gear, if i was a guy, i'd jerk off. Suki just showed me how to do edgeplay/. She's such a skilled dominatrix.
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Love, Lily
so what gets him hard is strangulation.
I didn't want to go in the fucking room anyway.
"You'll be fine" Liang says, my big vuluptuous beautiful asian phone mama.
I walk in. he blindfolds me and ties my hands behind my back. They aren't supposed to do both at once but theres something hot about your life being at the mercy of a stranger. yeah i'm a sick fuck, it gets sicker......
he puts a rope around my neck. "Relax" He says.
i start laughing. "something funny?"
"Fucking choke me dickhead"
he always waits until my face is purple and then releases.
he throws the rope on the floor and decides to use his hands. he has strong hands, hands that have strangled a thousand throats. he likes to feel my jugular pulsating beneath his fingers. and then there was no pulse.
colors whirl into each other, purples and magentas and yellows, the last sunset, down into nothingness, euphoria rushing so fast and then the first breath feels like rebirth.
"Fuck, are you okay?" he asks.
still here, in this room, something sticky on my back..
"That was fucking amazing." i say.
he tipped me in hundreds.
I walk back out in a daze.
"How was it" a voice asks me.
"Hot" i say.
"You suprise me."
"You should try it."
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and last week it was pure power, my pathetic slave panting beneath me. there must have been close to 50 clothespins on his dick. "Mistress, i'm going to cum."he whispers as he lays in a pool of my urine.
"No, slut, you aren't going to cum until i say you can."
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in what they call reality i might hate it all, might hate them all, but this is fantasy world honey, you want the red pill or the blue one?
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"That name is alot to take on, do you really want to invoke that energy?" she asks because i named myself after a biblical/mythological woman, i love invoking that energy, she could go from hell to earth and up to heaven, jacobs ladder, gave men red dreams and disobeyed the laws written in clouds. she tells me that in her heart she was lonely, and that you need balance, Still i slither like a snake at night, arms and legs cut off.
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he likes cheesy love songs and plays my guitar more than i do. he is my backbone and the slanted beautiful eyes that watch me sleep. love is too soft for what this is. this is something beyond love.
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transformation
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spread love.
Lily
"My friend she says that me and Jesus, we're of the same heart, the only thing that keeps us distant is that i keep fucking up."
I didn't want to go in the fucking room anyway.
"You'll be fine" Liang says, my big vuluptuous beautiful asian phone mama.
I walk in. he blindfolds me and ties my hands behind my back. They aren't supposed to do both at once but theres something hot about your life being at the mercy of a stranger. yeah i'm a sick fuck, it gets sicker......
he puts a rope around my neck. "Relax" He says.
i start laughing. "something funny?"
"Fucking choke me dickhead"
he always waits until my face is purple and then releases.
he throws the rope on the floor and decides to use his hands. he has strong hands, hands that have strangled a thousand throats. he likes to feel my jugular pulsating beneath his fingers. and then there was no pulse.
colors whirl into each other, purples and magentas and yellows, the last sunset, down into nothingness, euphoria rushing so fast and then the first breath feels like rebirth.
"Fuck, are you okay?" he asks.
still here, in this room, something sticky on my back..
"That was fucking amazing." i say.
he tipped me in hundreds.
I walk back out in a daze.
"How was it" a voice asks me.
"Hot" i say.
"You suprise me."
"You should try it."
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and last week it was pure power, my pathetic slave panting beneath me. there must have been close to 50 clothespins on his dick. "Mistress, i'm going to cum."he whispers as he lays in a pool of my urine.
"No, slut, you aren't going to cum until i say you can."
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in what they call reality i might hate it all, might hate them all, but this is fantasy world honey, you want the red pill or the blue one?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That name is alot to take on, do you really want to invoke that energy?" she asks because i named myself after a biblical/mythological woman, i love invoking that energy, she could go from hell to earth and up to heaven, jacobs ladder, gave men red dreams and disobeyed the laws written in clouds. she tells me that in her heart she was lonely, and that you need balance, Still i slither like a snake at night, arms and legs cut off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
he likes cheesy love songs and plays my guitar more than i do. he is my backbone and the slanted beautiful eyes that watch me sleep. love is too soft for what this is. this is something beyond love.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
transformation
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
spread love.
Lily
"My friend she says that me and Jesus, we're of the same heart, the only thing that keeps us distant is that i keep fucking up."
he didn't want to go but his soft heart fell for the poetry and the strong hands strumming the sound of love.
i was behind him feeling sickened, wondering where the fuck all this natural euphoria came from around me? how these aliens/people could find such happiness in a beautiful day or a pretty song? will i ever feel that way from just my brain chemicals telling me to feel that way? yeah, we are so different, but still i love you.
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i am constantly having daydream nigtmares about lost souls turned to lost ghosts i used to wander with.
" i love blind people" he said "so easy to rob"
i was laughing only until i realized he was serious and took a run for the man with the walking stick across the dead road.
"Wheres my stick?"
"In my hands fagbucket"
who the fuck says fagbucket?
"Please, i can't see without it."
"Right and i can't shoot up without your 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9..........9 fucking dollars? you're a dollar fucking short for the crack rock i'm about to shoot asshole" and with that he threw the blind mans walking stick into the road and said one word "FETCH"
i looked up and down the street to cover him, noone but ghosts, wait, why was i covering a crackhead that just robbed a blind man? and for nine dollars? i mean scratch could be insane but never like this, never robbed anyone that wasn't carrying at least a few hundred, now he could be the poster boy for "just say no"
my natural instincts are to cover for someone when i see someone get robbed. Scratch died two days after that incident so i never got to ask him why the fuck he did that? while in the past he was such a nice theif, and if you ask if there is such a thing, i think scratch came close, it made me laugh when he insisted for the people to "hold on to your id, social security card, and credit cards, fuck, what did you say you need at least 20 bucks to get home? here buddy, heres 25, you okay? i didn't scare you jumping out like that did i?"
Some people thought he did it for his own sick amusement but i always thought he did it cause he had half a heart, the other half deperately dangling from tissue constantly shedding cells causing the inevitable, maybe that night it just broke, i'll never know.
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e mail me to come play out your fantasies with me at my new workplace, or we could just talk about philosiphy and i'll give you a lap dance?
Love, Lily
i was behind him feeling sickened, wondering where the fuck all this natural euphoria came from around me? how these aliens/people could find such happiness in a beautiful day or a pretty song? will i ever feel that way from just my brain chemicals telling me to feel that way? yeah, we are so different, but still i love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i am constantly having daydream nigtmares about lost souls turned to lost ghosts i used to wander with.
" i love blind people" he said "so easy to rob"
i was laughing only until i realized he was serious and took a run for the man with the walking stick across the dead road.
"Wheres my stick?"
"In my hands fagbucket"
who the fuck says fagbucket?
"Please, i can't see without it."
"Right and i can't shoot up without your 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9..........9 fucking dollars? you're a dollar fucking short for the crack rock i'm about to shoot asshole" and with that he threw the blind mans walking stick into the road and said one word "FETCH"
i looked up and down the street to cover him, noone but ghosts, wait, why was i covering a crackhead that just robbed a blind man? and for nine dollars? i mean scratch could be insane but never like this, never robbed anyone that wasn't carrying at least a few hundred, now he could be the poster boy for "just say no"
my natural instincts are to cover for someone when i see someone get robbed. Scratch died two days after that incident so i never got to ask him why the fuck he did that? while in the past he was such a nice theif, and if you ask if there is such a thing, i think scratch came close, it made me laugh when he insisted for the people to "hold on to your id, social security card, and credit cards, fuck, what did you say you need at least 20 bucks to get home? here buddy, heres 25, you okay? i didn't scare you jumping out like that did i?"
Some people thought he did it for his own sick amusement but i always thought he did it cause he had half a heart, the other half deperately dangling from tissue constantly shedding cells causing the inevitable, maybe that night it just broke, i'll never know.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
e mail me to come play out your fantasies with me at my new workplace, or we could just talk about philosiphy and i'll give you a lap dance?
Love, Lily
hearts heated
tonight tales tuck together to turn turmoil turpentine
wicked will waits
encompass every ear
fucking fingers find freedom
she wasn't supposed to wait
until her disease escalates
its spreading like wildfire
and we all know fire can either kill or transform
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i saw an old friend yesterday and was like "girl what happened to your teeth?"
her smile speaks slowly of self destruction
I took a picture
and taped it to my heart
always remember
always remember
"it makes sucking dick easier" she laughed
I laughed
we laughed together
you'd only understand if you'v ever watched her -turn a
trick-, I can't stop using that term because it gives the illusion of magic happening.
illusion.
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I'm going to apply to fist fuck business men with unlubricated gloves. we'll see what happens, i miss dom work, I think i miss it more than dancing and i love dancing, But only under neon lights and with a golden pole as my partner.
I used to bring mad bills into that white trash club.
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its not paranoa, someone was trying to kill me, and he's still out there somewhere with his psychotic dick panting for blood.
live every day like its your last applies to me every day.
every motherfucking day.
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whats something repetitive and stupid in your life? thats what i want to hear.
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dissolve
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Lily
tonight tales tuck together to turn turmoil turpentine
wicked will waits
encompass every ear
fucking fingers find freedom
she wasn't supposed to wait
until her disease escalates
its spreading like wildfire
and we all know fire can either kill or transform
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i saw an old friend yesterday and was like "girl what happened to your teeth?"
her smile speaks slowly of self destruction
I took a picture
and taped it to my heart
always remember
always remember
"it makes sucking dick easier" she laughed
I laughed
we laughed together
you'd only understand if you'v ever watched her -turn a
trick-, I can't stop using that term because it gives the illusion of magic happening.
illusion.
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I'm going to apply to fist fuck business men with unlubricated gloves. we'll see what happens, i miss dom work, I think i miss it more than dancing and i love dancing, But only under neon lights and with a golden pole as my partner.
I used to bring mad bills into that white trash club.
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its not paranoa, someone was trying to kill me, and he's still out there somewhere with his psychotic dick panting for blood.
live every day like its your last applies to me every day.
every motherfucking day.
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whats something repetitive and stupid in your life? thats what i want to hear.
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dissolve
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Lily
"she tastes just like a woman, makes love just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl."
so one of my favorite homeboys got shot and pistol whipped, it gets hard living in the ghetto of detroit.
i shed tears for him but what he really needs is new teeth.
i figured out i'm going to go to nursing school and take bullets out of war victims and refugees overseas for free.
i'll join the red cross or some other organization.
my heart is so dirty.
would you clean it for me?
there we were walking the train tracks lost in a maze of hangovers and poetry.
"why am i dying to live when i'm just living to die?"
ok so i'm a book full of quotes today and so much loneliness.
i have to get back to my typewriter and that love/hate song i began writing on someone elses guitar.
be there for aids day in DC, if you come out and show support i'll kiss you.......for free.
Love, Lily
so one of my favorite homeboys got shot and pistol whipped, it gets hard living in the ghetto of detroit.
i shed tears for him but what he really needs is new teeth.
i figured out i'm going to go to nursing school and take bullets out of war victims and refugees overseas for free.
i'll join the red cross or some other organization.
my heart is so dirty.
would you clean it for me?
there we were walking the train tracks lost in a maze of hangovers and poetry.
"why am i dying to live when i'm just living to die?"
ok so i'm a book full of quotes today and so much loneliness.
i have to get back to my typewriter and that love/hate song i began writing on someone elses guitar.
be there for aids day in DC, if you come out and show support i'll kiss you.......for free.
Love, Lily
when i was seven my mama asked me if i wanted to "fly" , she always wore long skirts like she stepped out of some mythical land with a joint in hand she held it up to my small red lips. "Breathe in" she told me. I started hacking like a fifty year old chain smoker. she laughed and i smiled because i loved to see her laugh, even if it was maniacial it was rare, between the johns and the welfare and the drugs and the long nights she spent slamming her fingers on that typewriter, poems came to her like vomit rising in your mouth and sometimes she'd spew her words all over the walls. she held my hand and we twirled around and i felt the marijuana come on slowly, I was flying.
and there were other memories sometimes she would leave for days and i'd study the walls , her words, trying to find a hidden message, the secret to her heart that none of her men could find, then maybe she'd be at home with me instead of running around with them.
And then there was the mental institutions. i still remember the blood on the bathtub. when she went to the mental institution i let her blood sit there for days as if that was all that was left of her, as if maybe this time i'd never see her again. My grandma came to take care of me and made me read the bible daily. "wheres mama?" i'd ask her. "She'll be back, The demons got her right now ," fuck. i visited her in the mental instituion and sat on her lap, she had bandages on her wrists. "Mama are the demons gonna let you go soon?" i asked her as she kissed my hands and wrote little poems on my wrists. "I hope so" she whispered back in my ear.
later on i didn't see much of my mama, with the foster homes, group homes, and then the independant living programs and then the road but anyways mothers day makes me nostalgic for her sometimes and if she was here i'd hug her and make the demons die....and even though living with my mama was rough sometimes i'm glad it was her cunt i came out of.
happy mothers day.
Love, Lily
and what if she never found her way?
city to city like a born convict.
i'm in hate with war, but in love with guns.
I had a dream she saved me from the handcuffs just in time raw and real like somekinda superhero.
I need to burn off my fingerprints harder.
"You know you're playing with fire"
nah, fire likes to play with me.
Love, Lily
scholars say that by the year 2007 the whole us of a will be wiped out by natural disaster.
how i am fascinated by natural disaster. imagine united souls in collision with huge open waves crashing. death like thunder. love like cancer.
...("Thats how it goes, everybody knows.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE DICE ARE LOADED
EVERYBODY ROLLS WITH THEIR FINGERS CROSSED
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE WAR IS OVER
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE GOOD GUYS LOST
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE FIGHT IS FIXED
THE POOR STAY POOR
AND THE RICH GET RICH
THATS HOW IT GOES
EVERYBODY KNOWs."
drunken words never killed me so much.
I laugh alot.
how i am fascinated by natural disaster. imagine united souls in collision with huge open waves crashing. death like thunder. love like cancer.
...("Thats how it goes, everybody knows.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE DICE ARE LOADED
EVERYBODY ROLLS WITH THEIR FINGERS CROSSED
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE WAR IS OVER
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE GOOD GUYS LOST
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE FIGHT IS FIXED
THE POOR STAY POOR
AND THE RICH GET RICH
THATS HOW IT GOES
EVERYBODY KNOWs."
drunken words never killed me so much.
I laugh alot.
Good morning Death,
this time it wasn't such a happy one, I listened to him scream for about forty five minutes and then gave up.
two dead, one was my old dope dealer and he was a scum bag so no tears to shed for that.
and the other, well the other was like a sister except for the sexual tension. vanished from this earth like she didn't want to be there anyways. I remember her, pretty and dead eyed with her natural irish hair. I remember one night she Od'd in the bathroom of mcdonalds, the door was always locked, for some reason they always called the paramedics just in time to save her. I sat there watching her dog for seven hours till she came back with tears in her eyes. I knew she was going to be sick and the cops had confiscated all her dope so i sat there panhandling and scored for her. "The cops" She screamed "They fucking robbed me". "well we should go fill out a police report" i said sarcastically. "It's not fucking funny Lily, I'm gonna be sick, you know what the fuck narcan does."
"Relax" i said "I scored for you.
she twirled around like a lost gypsy and screamed at me psychotically "Why the FUCK are you always here to save me?" she yelled.
"Because i love you dawn, even though you hate yourself."
She curled up next to me and put her head on my shoulder.
"Maybe i wanted to die in that bathroom" she whispered.
"well maybe your angels didn't want that" I whispered back.
"Thanks for watching my dog"She said and kissed my cheek.
we walked back to the squat that night and as i was about to fall asleep she crawled into my bed and curled up next to me.
"Maybe you're my angel" she whispered in my ear and she slept in my bed every night after that until that squat got busted. we were always planning on leaving the city together but everytime i got clean she'd still be strung out.
she used to say " You remind me of me when i was your age, I really cared about people and things and was so idealistic and thought that i could really help change the world."
she wasn't even that much older than me.
"and then?" i asked her.
"and then the world fucked me." she said.
why do i always fall in love with the broken ones?
i couldn't cry last night, couldn't breathe, couldn't move, this girl had od'd so many times the paramedics knew her on a first name basis, so why now?
why the fuck now? i hadn't seen her in months, the last time i'd seen her she was crippled trying to trick and her makeup was running. maybe i was her angel and i lost her in the midst of all of my maddness and starvation from a world i just couldn't be a part of anymore because i knew i would end up just like Dawn. The tears came today in a flood in the shower as a flood of stupid and beautiful memories tore through my head.
Goodmorning Death. I loved her madly.
Love, Lily
this time it wasn't such a happy one, I listened to him scream for about forty five minutes and then gave up.
two dead, one was my old dope dealer and he was a scum bag so no tears to shed for that.
and the other, well the other was like a sister except for the sexual tension. vanished from this earth like she didn't want to be there anyways. I remember her, pretty and dead eyed with her natural irish hair. I remember one night she Od'd in the bathroom of mcdonalds, the door was always locked, for some reason they always called the paramedics just in time to save her. I sat there watching her dog for seven hours till she came back with tears in her eyes. I knew she was going to be sick and the cops had confiscated all her dope so i sat there panhandling and scored for her. "The cops" She screamed "They fucking robbed me". "well we should go fill out a police report" i said sarcastically. "It's not fucking funny Lily, I'm gonna be sick, you know what the fuck narcan does."
"Relax" i said "I scored for you.
she twirled around like a lost gypsy and screamed at me psychotically "Why the FUCK are you always here to save me?" she yelled.
"Because i love you dawn, even though you hate yourself."
She curled up next to me and put her head on my shoulder.
"Maybe i wanted to die in that bathroom" she whispered.
"well maybe your angels didn't want that" I whispered back.
"Thanks for watching my dog"She said and kissed my cheek.
we walked back to the squat that night and as i was about to fall asleep she crawled into my bed and curled up next to me.
"Maybe you're my angel" she whispered in my ear and she slept in my bed every night after that until that squat got busted. we were always planning on leaving the city together but everytime i got clean she'd still be strung out.
she used to say " You remind me of me when i was your age, I really cared about people and things and was so idealistic and thought that i could really help change the world."
she wasn't even that much older than me.
"and then?" i asked her.
"and then the world fucked me." she said.
why do i always fall in love with the broken ones?
i couldn't cry last night, couldn't breathe, couldn't move, this girl had od'd so many times the paramedics knew her on a first name basis, so why now?
why the fuck now? i hadn't seen her in months, the last time i'd seen her she was crippled trying to trick and her makeup was running. maybe i was her angel and i lost her in the midst of all of my maddness and starvation from a world i just couldn't be a part of anymore because i knew i would end up just like Dawn. The tears came today in a flood in the shower as a flood of stupid and beautiful memories tore through my head.
Goodmorning Death. I loved her madly.
Love, Lily
