I HATE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Rant

Holidays make the lonesome feel lonely. I hate holidays. I hate that I have nothing better to do than sit on my couch and watch the same boring movies that I've watched a thousand times. I hate that everything is close, and that I have no car to drive around in to get anywhere even if they weren't closed. I hate that I moved here to be closer to my family, and still I don't see them. I hate that I have the kind of friends that, when I call them, they don't call me back. I hate that I have to walk my dog in the cold ass rain to poop. I hate that for once it's actually pretty cold in Florida, and my god damned heater is broken (AC broken too). I hate that I have to go to work and pretend to be happy so that people won't not tip me. I despise the fact that the only people who even call me are the ones that I've had sex with in the past. I hate that everyone in the entire fucking world pretends to be perfect. I hate that my so called friends only hung out with me when I had a car to drive them around. I hate that both me and my dog have allergies! I hate that I can't spend the holidays with my dad because he passed away two years ago. I hate that the rest of his side of the family won't even speak to me because I don't have lots of money and I don't like to pretend to be perfect the way that they do. I hate that the most important thing in most people's lives is money when it should be something much more gratifying like breathing or walking in the grass barefoot! I hate that men treat me like I'm stupid when they meet me, and women don't like me before they've even met me. I hate that it seems so impossible to make money doing something that you really want to do, and so we all get stuck in these jobs that take away our souls and make us weak! I hate that the second most important thing in people's lives is sex. I hate that I can't get any of my writing published because it's too gory, or too explicit, or too dark, or too plain, or too overdone, or a million other excuses. I hate that even though I will suffer and make no money and be unhappy because of it, I still do what it is that I do because that is what I WANT to do. I paint, I make nothing but spend tons of materials. I write, I make nothing, I spend insurmountable chunks of time doing it. I dance, I make next to nothing, am unappreciated, treated like a whore, and then put down for doing something that I love to do. Why do the things that I love to do make me feel like shit? How does this work? I play music, I make nothing, I spend fortunes, I spend time, I end up with NOTHING. No band, no CD, no scratch recording, nothing to prove that I even existed for those months of my life. Someone tell me why I waste so much energy being me?!!!!! Someone explain to me why some of have to work Soooo hard to get what we want that our hands bleed and our eyes tear and our souls get ripped to shreds, while other people are at home in their million dollar homes, snug in bed with their three maids while their trophy wife is at the spa fucking her masseuse, and they have not lifted a finger? Not one speck of dirt accumulated under those nails, no back breaking labor or emotionally ravishing plagues for them. Why is that this country cherishes those who steal the land, enslave the people, kill the wildlife, brainwash our children, take our HARD EARNED money, and do it all in a monks robe or an under an official badge of HONOR? Honor is something long forgotten in this world.

A tale of shock!

So, I am talking to some guy at work last night. I had made no money at all (I got home with 30$), and he asks me....

Him: Do you ever think that some of the people that you talk to here are attractive.

Me: Yes, sometimes.

Him: Do you ever go home with any of them.

Me: No, never.

Him: Why not? And if you did would you charge them or do it for free?

ME: What? I'm not a prostitute, and I do not go home with people I meet at work, though I do have friends that stop in and say hello once in a while.

Him: Then why are you here, why don't you just go to a bar and pick up some guys?

Me: Are you serious? I'm here because it's my job, that's what I do. I like to entertain people, see them smile. I like to dance, I'm an exhibitionist.

Him: Well you wanna know what I think?

Me: No I don't. I don't give a fuck what you think. I could care less, not even one little iota, what you think.

Him: What? Well, that's not a good way to get my money.

ME: Stick your money up your.....bleeep...

Walked away. He complained to the management that I wasn't nice to him. I am sick of idiots and people who think that they can buy me like a fucking Christmas gift and take me home with them. I am sick of unappreciative people who think that my job is not a JOB. I am sick of people who think that I'm a whore because I like to be free, naked, dancing, preforming at concerts, in nude photography! I'm just sick of it...

Now for some pornography. Another chapter in my unpublishable story.

CHAPTER FOUR

Pain Along the Way

When I woke up the next morning, you were gone. That was the last time I had seen you for two years. I spent most of the time rotting away in my apartment, waiting for you to come back, to explain to me, but you never did.
It was two months before I went out into the world again. I had lost a considerable amount of weight, and weighed a disgustingly thin ninety pounds. I had stopped eating, stopped talking, and nearly killed myself. There were times when all I had was your memory, and the knowledge that you would never abandon me, keeping me alive.
My first venture was to a local market to buy groceries, when I noticed it. There was an old edition of the Daily Times lying on the ground beside the sewer. The cover picture made me pick it up and scan through it. What I found amazed me, sickened me, and excited me all at the same time.
They had found Brad dead in his front yard, with his pants pulled down, and his face smashed into the bottom step to his apartment building. He had lost a lot of blood, so much that he was nearly dry, and the police had ruled it accidental. They assumed he had slipped trying to get up the stairs with his pants down, hit his head, and lay there bleeding for nearly a day before anyone noticed.
I knew instantly that you had done it for revenge. What I did not know was whether it was for revenge against him, or against me. I didn’t get any food after that. I went home, packed up my things, and called my mother in Florida.
She came and picked me up the next day. She was appalled at my condition, and rushed me to the hospital where they committed me in the mental institution. I hated it there, but at least I found refuge in something, and that something was drugs.
Drugs are easier to get on the inside than on the streets. I began loving them. I threw myself and my reality into them, until I drowned. I stayed high constantly while I was in the sanitarium, but found out just how hard it was to stay that way when I got out.
Things were more expensive when you had to pay for them, and you didn’t have any money. I had no job, no friends, and no connection for the anchor that I needed to keep me on a fix. I was desperate for money, longing for one more taste, one more needle, and one more high.
It was not long before I devised a plan to get what I needed to get by. It was a chilly evening in October when I first met Anne. I was amazed by her instantly, and longed for her affection and attention. She was at a local club in Columbus, and confronted me in the restroom with an offer I could not refuse.
“Wanna shoot heroine with me, doll?” she asked, oblivious to the fact that I may have been a cop, or worse, a thief.
She was beautiful, and not in the conventional, drug-store-whore kind of way. She was naturally beautiful, and even better; she had free drugs for me. I jumped at the chance to take advantage of the situation.
“Sure,” I answered her. “You want to do it right here, or what?”
“Nah,” she grinned. “Let’s go back to my house, and we’ll get cozy and share what I have left from yesterday.”
I nodded in agreement, and she grabbed my hand and led me out of the bathroom. She led me, clutching my hand, to her car. It was a brand new ‘vette, black with red leather interior.
“Nice car.” I hopped in the passenger seat and made myself comfortable. I smirked, trying to hide the fact that I was fiending and had the shakes pretty bad.
“How far?” I asked. She turned the key and the engine revved up loudly.
“Hum,” she muttered. “Oh, um, about ten minuets. Can you wait that long?”
She must have noticed that I was in bad shape earlier, and that was why she had asked me in the first place. “Yeah,” I responded. “I can wait.”
The drive to her house was an excruciating ten minuets, probably the longest time I had ever had to endure. My stomach was twisting into knots, and my head began to spin out of control. I felt like I would die, but then realized that dying would have been better than the torment I was enduring at the time.
“Are you going to puke?” she asked me quickly, as my face and hands went paler than normal and I began to sweat.
“I don’t know,” I answered shakily. “I think I may be dying.”
She laughed, a crazy, high-pitched laugh. “You’re not dying,” she giggled. “Your just going through withdrawals. It won’t kill you, just make you sick as fuck.”
“Great,” I groaned. “I just want it to stop.”
“Not a problem,” she smiled. “We’re here.”
I was still dizzy, but as I looked out the window at her house, I nearly passed out. However, it was not from the cravings, but from the sheer sight of the majestic building. The house was more like a castle than anything else. It was huge and completely made from large marble stones. The front doors were twice the height of a normal person, and the lawn was a maze of bushes and flowers. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life.
“Do you like it?” she asked me with apparent pride. “I bought it last year.”
“I love it,” I cooed. “What did you say you do again?”
“A little of everything.”
She smiled again, and opened her door to come around the car and help me out. “Let’s get you inside, sweetie,” she said, as she put her delicate arms around me and led me to the door.
She practically carried me to the porch. I was in bad shape. I leaned heavily on her, wishing that she would just stop right there and give me the fix I needed to get straight. I was very faint when we got to the door, and it opened as if on its own accord. I didn’t see the man on the other side until we got into the immense hallway and she handed me over to him.
“Take her into my room, Svan,” she instructed him.
He was a very big guy, probably about six-four, and very muscular. He picked me up like a rag doll, and carried me through the parlor and down a long red hallway. I could barely pick up my head, but I noticed that he had very blue eyes, and they reminded me of you. I wanted to kill myself. Thinking of you always made me sad.
Halfway down the hall I vomited on him, and began to shake. He stumbled only for a moment, and then continued. Once we were at the far end of the hall, he turned right into another very long walkway. He stopped in front of a large white wooden door. He shoved it open with his foot, and walked into the expansive bedroom.
A huge fire, roaring in a marble fireplace, lighted the room. The flames leapt to and fro, causing dark silhouettes to dance across the brilliant white walls. A huge four-poster bed sat majestically in the center of the room. Its’ pink coverlet looked soft and inviting.
Svan carried me past a small black marble desk, and placed me on the bed. I immediately sunk into its’ softness, trying to get comfortable, but I could’t. I was embarrassed that I had vomited on Svan and on myself.
‘I’m so sorry,” I spurted, my voice quivering. “I didn’t mean to.”
He didn’t say a word, only went to the desk, and unlocked the drawer with a small key. He rummaged around in it for a moment, pulled something out, and shut and locked the drawer again.
I could’t see what it was until he brought it over to me and laid it out on the black nightstand beside the bed. My head was swimming with confusion, but I didn’t care. I only wanted the drugs. I needed them.
He stared at me as if I were a pitiful animal. He grabbed my left arm and pushed up the gray cotton sleeve of my shirt. The track marks were horrible. They littered my arm like tributaries to a body of water.
He put my arm back down and picked up the right one instead. He pushed that sleeve up as well, and noticed that I didn’t have any markings there. He quickly wrapped a tourniquet on my upper arm, and slapped my veins until they popped up enough to see. He grabbed the heroine, poured some into a spoon, heated it with a silver lighter, placed the needle into the concoction, and filled it full with the brownish liquid.
He was gentle when he inserted the warm needle into my pulsing vein. I smiled when the burning began. He pumped in the poison with the accuracy of a health care professional.
“Um,” I groaned “That is soo good.”
It only took a moment for the full effect to hit me. It consumed me with warmth and pleasure. At that moment, I couldn’t think of anything that made me feel more alive, more powerful, than the way I felt with the drug running through my body. It felt as though it had contaminated my very soul.
Svan pulled the needle free of my arm and pressed a cotton ball to the spot that he had punctured. He pushed my arm up so that I held the cotton in the bend of my arm. After that, he stood up, collected the remaining paraphernalia, and left the room with it in his hands.
I sat there in a trance, feeling only the rush of the drugs, and not thinking of anything but my own satisfaction. The room spun, and the flames from the fire seemed to dance and do tricks for me. I was consumed by the elation of satisfaction. My body went limp, and my mind wondered.
Anne, coming in the room and smiling her perfectly white-toothed smile at me, interrupted my blankness.
“Feel better,” she asked with pride and arrogance.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Much better.”
She glided over to the bed where I sat. “Want to take a shower?” she asked, and she pointed to the vomit on my shirt and in my hair.
“Yes,” I whispered, ashamed that I had gotten sick on myself. “Please.”
“The bathroom is that door right over there.”
She pointed to a door on the opposite wall that I hadn’t noticed before. “When you’re done you’ll find some clothing on the bed to change into. Then, ring that buzzer there by the bed, and when Scan comes, tell him that you’re ready for me,” she instructed. “Got all that?”
“Yes,” I nodded, and got off the bed carefully so that I didn’t get it dirty. “Thank you so much,” I added quickly. “I don’t even know you and you’re being so wonderful to me. How can I ever repay you?”
“Well,” she whirred. “I’m sure that we will be able to figure something out later.”
She smiled, and it frightened me, but I paid it little mind. I walked slowly across the room and into the huge bathroom. The house really was as beautiful on the inside as it was on the outside. The bathroom alone was as big as the studio apartment in Portsmouth that we often shared.
It was very ornate, and large paintings covered the walls. They were jungle scenes with lots of vivid colored flowers and brightly feathered birds. They were framed in gold, and matched all of the towel racks and knobs in the room.
One wall was completely covered by sinks. They were gold as well, and glittered in the candlelight. The tub took up over half of the room. It was centered in the middle, and set down into the floor like a pool rather than a tub. Candles littered its edges, lighting up the room with a warm yellow glow.
I walked over to the giant bathtub and realized that someone had already drawn me a hot bubble bath. I peeled my vomit-soaked clothes off and stepped into the steamy water, enjoying the warmth and the smell of it. I oddly thought that luxury surely meant that you would have to have a tub like that one, and you would have to have someone who ran bathwater for you at a perfect temperature.
I stepped into the warm water, and slid down into it up to my neck. I lay there for about ten minutes, until my buzz had completely worn off and I had come down to a normal range of senses again. I quickly washed myself off, stepped out of the tub, grabbed a large white towel from one of the golden towel racks, and wrapped it around myself. I reveled in the feeling of it as it hugged my skinny body for a moment, before I dried off and headed back to the bedroom.
When I got back to the bed, I was amazed to see a beautiful, long, white negligee on the bed. I dried off and slipped the negligee on over my too-thin body. I looked around, and I was amazed to see that on the pillow of the bed lay another needle full of the potent heroin that Scan had given me only a half an hour earlier. I craved it. I looked at it wishfully, but I didn’t dare touch it. I didn’t know weather it was meant for me or not.
Instead, I turned away from it, an extremely hard thing to do, and pushed the button on the call system beside the bed.
“Yes,” came a beautifully deep voice.
“I was told to tell you that I was ready,” I spoke into the speaker thing.
“Ok,” came the reply, and then the light on the speaker went off.
It was only a second later that the door to the bedroom opened, and Anne came in. She was beautifully dressed in red silks, her waist-length black hair laying all around and clashing exquisitely with the dress. I wondered if there had ever been a time when I would have looked that good in the dress, but I realized that I didn’t want to think on the past, it only hurt.
“You seem better,” she grinned wonderfully at me. “Did you find your present from me?” she asked, motioning to the pillow. “Do you want me to give it to you?”
I didn’t really know what to say. I just stood there and stared at her lithe frame and beautiful hair. It took me a moment to nod affirmatively and then mumble some sort of thank you to her.
She glided over to me, threw my towel onto the plush carpeted floor, and sat down on the bed with her legs tucked beneath her. “Sit down beside me,” she told me. “I’ll help you out.”
I did as she asked, and she gently grabbed my right arm and searched for a vein. It took her a moment, but she soon found one and plunged the needle deliciously into my skin. I moaned loudly as the high engulfed me once again.
“It’s like pure sex, isn’t it?” she asked, as I moaned again.
She tossed the needle on the floor beside the towel and unfolded herself like a cat. “Have you ever had sex with a woman before?” she asked me, her voice sounding like beautiful music to my ears.
“No,” I confessed to her. “But I have wanted to before.”
The words were hard for me to pronounce because the drugs had swam into my being and taken control of me. My skin was on fire, and so sensitive that the very air in the room sent shivers down my spine.
“Tell me I can have you,” she purred in my ear. “I want you to say that you want me, and that I can have you.”
“Uh,” I moaned as she rubbed her cold, silken hands across my leg.
“You can have me,” I said, as shivers again took hold of me. “You can have me,” I repeated softly.
“Good,” she said. “That is what I wanted to hear.”
She stood up off the bed and slipped her dress over her shoulders. It dropped to the floor in a silky rush, and she stood in front of me naked and purely sensuous.
She was stunning to look at. Her breasts were high and perky, although they were large for her frame. Her nipples were dark and thick, and they stood out as if at attention. Her hips poked out from beneath her flat stomach in a mesmerizing way. Just below, her dark downy cleft beckoned to me to be touched and licked. Below, her legs seemed to stretch on forever, and her feet were perfectly manicured and small.
She climbed back onto the bed, and pulled me down until I was lying on my back. She grabbed the straps of my negligee and pulled them down over my arms, being careful not to rub my tracks. The sensation sent chills all over my body. The silk slipped down over my breasts, and tumbled onto the floor in a pile.
I lost all inhibitions. The drugs were fueling my desires. I was shivering with longing and the anticipation of her touch. I could feel the warm wetness between my legs, and I knew that she would satisfy me completely.
Her hands were cold. She crawled over me, one leg on each side, and sat gently down on my stomach. Her wetness rubbed against my skin, and showered me with vaginal kisses. She caressed my breasts and nipples, playing with each one for an agonizing moment.
I tilted my head back and moaned loudly. She rubbed herself back and forth on my stomach while she caressed my breasts. My nipples were harder than I ever remember them being before. They ached with pleasure, and my cunt ached with the desire to be paid attention to.
“Yes,” I groaned. She lifted herself from me, and positioned herself between my legs.
“Do you want to eat my pussy?” she asked, in a very deep, but womanly voice.
“Yes,” I pleaded. “Oh, yes.”
She slid her fingers into my wet, waiting cunt. I was nearly spasmodic, as she fingered me with her long, white fingers. She twirled them around inside of me, teasing me, and then pulled them out and licked them while I watched.
“You taste good,” she purred. “Do you want to taste me?”
“Yes,” I begged, louder this time. “I want you to sit on my face.”
She giggled at that, but she crawled up to the head of the bed and positioned herself over my face. I eagerly stuck out my tongue and began lapping at her juices and teasing her clit with the end of my tongue. It tasted good to me, as good as the drugs that coursed through my veins.
She began to rock back and forth on my face, progressively getting faster and rougher. For a moment, I could’t breathe, but then she pulled away and turned herself around so that she was laying on my stomach with her head in my crotch, and her crotch in my face. I reached up, grabbed her butt in my hands, and pulled her up to my hungry mouth. I wanted to taste her forever, to smell her sex and drink her juices until they were gone.
At the same time, she was caressing my throbbing sex with her own tongue. She began to swirl her tongue around my clit, and then over it quickly. I shivered with delight as I did the same thing to her. We both rocked and groaned as the ecstasy became greater with every moment, and then shook madly with pleasure as we came together.
I could not get enough still. I licked up her cum as if it were a life-giving fluid. It caused her to shake even more. She continued to trembled as she lay on top of me, and I enjoyed the feeling of her ecstasy.
Finally, I pulled away, kissed her thighs, and caressed her buttocks with my hands. “Uh,” I moaned. “You taste soo good.”
A moment later she lifted herself off of me and kissed me roughly, letting me taste myself on her, and she tasting herself on me. She planted kisses tenderly all over my face, slid her hand between my legs, and tormented my clit again.
“Take a nap, sweetie,” she said. “I’ll come and wake you up in a few hours so we can play some more. I know you must be tired.”
I realized then how tired I really was, and I nodded my head and kissed her furiously again. “Don’t forget to wake me,” I whispered to her.
She got up off the bed, and slid her dress back on. Her long hair was mussed up, so she ran her hands through it before turning and walking to the door.
I fell asleep as soon as she left, but it was not a pleasant sleep. I dreamt of you, how you would have loved to have been here with me tonight and watched me with Anne. I knew you would have wanted to be a part of the two of us, but then I knew that you would want to hurt her afterwords.
I woke up screaming.
In my dream, you were dead, and I was damned. Your face haunted me as I roamed unfamiliar streets and stared into windows, wondering what life would be like with warm people. I was so cold. I cried, but my tears were ice, and they fell to the ground with faint shattering noises. It was too much.
I didn’t call for Anne. I went back to sleep instead. The dreams kept coming, but I forced myself to continue sleeping. I didn’t want to wake up for fear that I would lose the beauty of your face, the taunt skin of your hands, and the fullness of your lips again.
I cried.





Visha....

And, that painting in my comments is fantastic....thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!