I salute you, fellows Suiciders! [PICS INDISE, I PROMISE!]

Few days ago I started to wrote a new post on here, but I eventually felt not inspired enough and didn't post it - though I saved it on my laptop, as I like to keep for a while everything I write.
That's what I wrote:

"Today is a bad day.

One of those when I think I can't take this job anymore and fuck, I wish I don't have the balls to keep everything going as I'm doing through these months.
But I'm sure I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror with the same look, if I give my resignation. And other than that, who will be that stupid to leave a long-term job for nothing else? Not the broke me.

Maybe it's due to the fact I'm feeling down, but I can't appreciate the opportunity of making a career in a not so far future if it means not having a life.
Because this is how I feel, like I don't have a life anymore.

I used to spend the whole week at my boyfriend's place, I used to go out every night and see all my friends whenever I wanted to.
Now, I wake up every morning at 5.20 a.m.
I manage to dine with my love one evening each week, and visit him at his place on saturdays and sundays. It seems ages since the last time I had a real-life chat with my best friends - as internet doesn't count.
Obviously, going out at night is impossible and I don't see anyone anymore.

I feel incredibly lonely, and I don't know why but people around me don't seem to notice - or to care enough.
My parents keep on saying how much I've been lucky and such. How don't they see?"

Luckily, today I feel way better - but similar thoughts get across my mind more often than what it could seems. It's damn tough but I'm still here to try to show 'em I can be tougher.
Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm forcing myself into this, as I'm not even sure I want that job I'm training for, which will have a better schedule, an high salary and huge possibilities of making a long lasting career out of it. Why? Simply because I still can't see myself trapped in a one-way situation.
My passion for modeling and acting, my dreams of becoming a writer, keeping on my journalism and new media studies, being involved in the media's world - all of this left behind?
It's scares the hell out of me, right now. I don't want to become one of those uninspired people out there!
My mom says I always look at things in such a negative way, and that nobody has ever had to completely give up all their hobbies and passions once starting to work - I'll just need to find time for everything through a strict organization.
Fact is, I'll need money in my pockets anyway, and if I don't find a way to get 'em on a regular base from the kind of jobs I like, I'll have to stick to the kind of jobs I'll find - no matter if I'll like 'em or not.
However, I still manage to think pink and smile as much as I can, focusing on the most positive facts... don't I look good in my uniform?


♥ Again, I want to thank you for all the love you're showing to my last set L'Armoire... please, don't stop! My aim is reaching 1000 comments before december 6th (it'll be a month since the set hit MR) - do you think we can make it? I think we can ♥


I hope to be able to show you new modeling stuff soon: last week I've modeled for a promo project for a very cool hairstyling & make-up saloon in my town, it was a bodypainting shooting... so much fun, and such an incredible result! I can't wait to let you all know 'bout it.

So tired now, time for an hot bath... wanna come in?






xoxo
your Lauretta


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