I'm alive, just busy

School is kicking my ass all over the place. I barely have time to breathe. But I do have time to help with my friends art projects

New set soon. Maybe? I can't decide what I want to do....Ever. Forever indecisive.

"Love is like a barren place, and reaching out for human faith is like a journey I just don't have a map for."

Where does one begin to heal? Time and the natural human thought process force you to, but do you ever really heal? In my own opinion you don't. You use your mind to find ways to forget. You tell yourself that what you had wasn't ideal. One convinces themselves that they made the right decisions. But do you ever wonder why your heart still holds on to things? Why that person crosses through your mind? People force themselves to let go.

I don't.

There is not a lot in this world that I care to hold on to. I've lost my sense of what true happiness is.

I feel dead, or like a robot.

I wake up everyday and force myself into the same routine.

I ask myself 'what do you want out of life'? I use to be able to rattle off a list of 500 things I wanted. Now....I can't come up with one thing. I want knowledge. That is the one thing I crave. Everything else has lost it's meaning to me. I sit most of my day with a joint and a cup of coffee... thinking. Over active thought process. I don't know if I will ever be myself again. I couldn't tell you the last time I went out with friends and laughed. I couldn't tell you the last time laughter was even a part of my life. I miss being care-free and giggling about trivial things in life. Spending long nights awake with friends talking and eating ice cream in bed. My phone never rings, I've pushed everyone so far away from me. I'm terrified to let anyone even sit next to me, talk to me, I just can't bring myself to enjoy company.

I wish it all would stop. I want to be me again.

I don't believe anything is real anymore. I feel like every bit of my life has been a lie.

"What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods, all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees"

I don't want to feel anything anymore. I wish I could kill every emotion I have.

I'll never let anyone close to me again. I honestly think I'll walk this life alone....friendship, love.....None of it exists for me. I feel ambivalent about it, am I ok with it? Or does it bother me? I can't tell anymore.

I just want everything to stop.

You wanted to break me. Take solace in knowing that you have.

You crave the truth, well sir here it is. I fell in love with you. I didn't want to, because I was afraid, of my past and yours. We pulled each other through heartache, and out of those times spent together and comforting one another...we fell in love. I dedicated my life to you. I was there every day. Tending to you like a good woman should. Yes my ex boyfriend contacted me two times that you weren't made aware of. I never hung out with him, and never wanted him back. That was clarified for you recently when the truth came out. Much like I knew it would. I wanted you, that was all. My time was spent for a year in your shop, trying to fit into you. Trying to help you. Trying to show you a different kind of love. I never lied to you, and I sure as hell never let another man touch me....why would I? you gave me all the affection I needed, the affection I craved....and truth be told you are the only man still that I would accept that from. You want to think I am in a "budding romance"..... Romance ha..... Here is the truth my dear, yes someone desires to possess me..... someone whom I could never reciprocate that to.... I told you years ago I am an honest person, which is the only reason you know about the gentleman in the first place. He has been very well informed that my heart will never be his, that I could not form an ounce of love for him if I tried....Would you like to know why....because I love you. I always have. It's not about moving on and starting over and trying to build what I had with you with another person.... I don't want that at all. My brain can't even think about that possibility. What it can think about is days in the park reading, power outages, blooody cell phones, halloween watching people from the window wondering how the derive happiness from such foolish actions, intellectual conversations, trailer park boy marathons..... You run through my head every moment of everyday and it's fucking crippling. The love I held for you was ungodly encompassing, no boy could have came along and changed that..... I had my eyes set on you forever, and you know that. During our relationship and our downfall, I told you I could never picture a life without you in it. Now, I've been forced to. Yes I breathe, eat, and sleep..... but I feel dead....empty.... I cry on my way to school. It takes everything in me to focus on my lessons. Rest assured any time my teacher mentions Nietzsche I quietly excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. Everything I see, everything I touch floods my memory with thoughts of you. This time of year I use to love, but the day we sat on your porch and you told me the ways you love me....feels much like it does outside right now. I can barely stand the cool breeze on my skin. You have such an inaccurate view of what I am that it hurts me to my core, because I thought out of everyone in this world you understood me. I thought you knew my heart, my being, my thought process. Nothing was an act to me, I loved you more than I could even have thought possible. And I win? What do I win? A life without the one person I love the most. That's a fuck of a prize. I lost.... So know I suffer too. Internally everyday, my heart is in constant panic and hasn't found a rhythmic pattern since you left. Nobody wins here, we both lose. So does your daughter. When I promised to love you forever, I meant everything that had to do with you. Life moves forward no matter if you want it to or not. But know, I take those steps alone. I don't have the desire to start anything with anyone. If I can't have your love, I'd rather no love at all. So know that when you are in bed everynight, so am I alone....wishing our pillow retained your scent that vanished months ago. This went to far for no reason. All I ever wanted was to hold you, to love you. I would have stayed net to your side until you were old with alzheimers(cause we both know you are gonna get it). I would have loved you and only you until the day I took my last breath. I'm sorry that wasn't enough. Just know that "no matter where you go, there will always be a place". I love you and I always will.

Not my last blog. Not my last set. Shoots scheduled. Busy with school. Something real coming soon!

I recieved an email about this video. My friend Creepy_ decided to put all over the internet. I'm not cool, in any sense of the word. I can't believe that people find this video endearing for all of you who dooooooo.... here it is...


I'm clearly fucking annoying!

I have a new set coming out on Friday. It will be my last set. Enjoy!

Recently I deleted this:



Recently this was shot:


This will be around in January!
This set was a lot of fun for me to shoot. It was shot by Miss Alissa, at Short North Tattoo. Special thanks to BrettPrince for letting me roll around naked in his shop windows

It's definitely winter in full effect here in good ole Ohio. It's been snowing on and off for days. To the point where traveling outside is sheer misery. Needless to say I've been living in front of a space heater! My boyfriend bought me Cataclysm the other day.... I've said it once and I'll say it again: If you don't play world of warcraft can you please start. It's amazing. I've only made worgens so far, I hear goblins are pretty amazing! It is hands down the best game you can play. So if you play, please message me your characters name so I can add you. Thanks!

Christmas is right around the corner. This is always on repeat for me this time of year!

even though this year Taylor Swift tried to ruin it. Ugh.
What is on everyone's Christmas lists?

Recently this was painted for me:

This was done by BrettPrince at Short North Tattoo. He's an amazing artist. If you've never checked out his work... You should do so by clicking here Short North Tattoo!!
He's also fairly new to the site. So go say hi

That's about all I have for right now. I'll leave you with a few old pictures and a few new pictures!

I recieved this message today and I laughed hysterically for 5 minutes. You dude, are awesome. Thanks for making my day

"So, I noticed that your occupation was a dragon slayer and I thought that was amazing! How would I be able to apply for that job and is the salary worth the occupational hazard?"

Amazinggggggg.