i know this might be lame and greedy, but i figure it can't hurt. i put my wishlist up since my birthday is sunday.

i'd rather have a place to live than any of the crap on my wishlist though. my boy and i have been apartment hunting in sf for like two weeks now. i guess we are picky bitches but we also applied for four places and got denied since we weren't first in line. so think good thoughts toward us having a home.

i really love my cat. she looks kind of like a little baby seal or a polar bear. i love her and my plants more than i can even express. i love a lot of things though.

i love barbeque chips so much. i just ate so many, i'm sure i smell gross now. but they were fucking good.

i have to say, therapy really seems to be helping. that plus the vitamin b.

halloween really annoys me.


in other news, i feel really lonely tonight.

everyone on my friends page seemed very in sync yesterday:

i'm in albuquerque.

i am sad.

tonight, i don't believe in love. it seems that so many people try so hard to find ways to be together and over and over again it ends in sorrow. how many of you have been in love with someone and spent months and years trying to learn to be happy together, only to ultimately fail? why are we unable to stay in relationships with people who are wonderful, people that we do care about? as a person who believes that everyone has potential and anyone can be a beautiful person, it is hard for me to believe that "some people just aren't right for each other". why the hell not? two nice thoughtful people together should be able to make a relationship work. if you care for someone, find them beautiful, want to protect them and know them, then you should be able to work out all the little things that make daily togetherness difficult. and yet. people rarely do.

the only explanation is that romantic relationships are not intended to last lifetimes, or transcend the mundanity of the world. find someone you can be in practical partnership with, live harmoniously with, and hide your true self from them - this is probably the only way to stay together. or, for one person to become totally accomodating of the other, to give their own needs up entirely, this seems to help long term sustainability. i thought i found another way, but all that it's led to is struggle and constant confusion.

i give up. i don't believe that romantic love transcends things, solves things, or in most cases is even real. i don't believe there is anything out there which is better than anything else. i feel defeated and resigned to this sadness.

but when i called my lover to tell him all this, he said, merely, that he would hold me tight and care for me, even when i feel this way.

so maybe that is what it is all about.

-

today i went bounding down the hill from the presidio, singing along to modest mouse, which was in my ipod headphones. it was a beautiful day and it felt really good to bound around and enjoy things.