PICS
i just spent some time showing people pictures of my boyfriend and talking about him. i guess it's like that, then. it's sort of like having a puppy but different.
there are certain things i do that make me really sad. i wish i could stop doing them. some of them are things that seem normal, part of my life, part of anyone's life. there's no reason they should make me feel sad and like i suck. but that is what happens.
since last time we spoke, i went to new york, and came back. and had about 3,295,843,985 revelations. they were really good revelations. i can only remember a couple of them now.
i very much love NYC and miss it a lot. my oliver is still there, without me. sad! he will be back soon.
SF is rainy and bleh, i have a shitload of backed up work here, and i'm feeling a little outside of myself. questioning, again, why i do what i do for money. geek work. i always feel at odds with it.
i very much love NYC and miss it a lot. my oliver is still there, without me. sad! he will be back soon.
SF is rainy and bleh, i have a shitload of backed up work here, and i'm feeling a little outside of myself. questioning, again, why i do what i do for money. geek work. i always feel at odds with it.
some dreams
i am in a tunnel that is also a swamp. i'm swimming, but also levitating just above the murky water. very near me, below my exposed belly, there are many small alligators. i pass them without harm, one by one, and they turn over and show me their whitegreen stomachs as i go by. they are lit as if by spotlight or very strong headlamp, as i pass, then fade into darkness behind me. i see moccasin snakes too. i pass by an alligator that i think is dead, and i swim over it without concern, but it wakes up and bites me.
...
i am in the kidrobot store. i want to buy a dunny or three. or twelve. i am happily imagining how i will display my twelve
dunny figures on my shelf at work. when i get there, i can't find any dunnys, but end up opening up some similar mini figure boxes. the boxes are so slick and shiny, just like they are in real life. i eventually buy some figurines that look like bear heads on sticks.
...
i'm on a cruise ship. we are watching a huge demonstration of what a ship looks like when it sinks. the demonstration is in the form of a lifesize boat, just like ours, which is dramatically capsizing right next to us in the water. i watch the wicker-looking boat break in half and become vertical. people are screaming with fear but it's just like watching a movie. the sight is majestic and there are enormous frothy waves rushing up the sides of the boat.
a little later, i turn to see that we've rescued a smaller boat full of people who were shipwrecked or had been abandoned. i reach out my hand to help one of them - he turns out to be dweezil zappa. he's hot and shirtless and looks very keanu. the rest of the dream is in black and white and involves him falling in love with juliette binoche, who is actually audrey tatou. they are very happy and i feel somehow responsible since it was i who helped dweezil aboard.
i am in a tunnel that is also a swamp. i'm swimming, but also levitating just above the murky water. very near me, below my exposed belly, there are many small alligators. i pass them without harm, one by one, and they turn over and show me their whitegreen stomachs as i go by. they are lit as if by spotlight or very strong headlamp, as i pass, then fade into darkness behind me. i see moccasin snakes too. i pass by an alligator that i think is dead, and i swim over it without concern, but it wakes up and bites me.
...
i am in the kidrobot store. i want to buy a dunny or three. or twelve. i am happily imagining how i will display my twelve
dunny figures on my shelf at work. when i get there, i can't find any dunnys, but end up opening up some similar mini figure boxes. the boxes are so slick and shiny, just like they are in real life. i eventually buy some figurines that look like bear heads on sticks.
...
i'm on a cruise ship. we are watching a huge demonstration of what a ship looks like when it sinks. the demonstration is in the form of a lifesize boat, just like ours, which is dramatically capsizing right next to us in the water. i watch the wicker-looking boat break in half and become vertical. people are screaming with fear but it's just like watching a movie. the sight is majestic and there are enormous frothy waves rushing up the sides of the boat.
a little later, i turn to see that we've rescued a smaller boat full of people who were shipwrecked or had been abandoned. i reach out my hand to help one of them - he turns out to be dweezil zappa. he's hot and shirtless and looks very keanu. the rest of the dream is in black and white and involves him falling in love with juliette binoche, who is actually audrey tatou. they are very happy and i feel somehow responsible since it was i who helped dweezil aboard.
thanks for all the really wonderful comments and thoughts everyone. it really helped me through a very shitty week. it's one of those times when you know you're going to just have to go through some shit or else nothing is going to change. trapped in the same cycles forever.
in other news, i have a new hat.
in other news, i have a new hat.
i feel terrible. i don't know how to live my life without sharing all the triumphs and little wonderful things about every day with someone.. the morning coffee, the snuggles, the kvetching about school or work, cooing over the cat, making plans for the next fun thing. i don't understand how it happened or what is wrong with me, but i'm alone again, it seems. i'm so sad and defeated. i thought all the beauty could sustain us. but i've been let down.. disappointed to the core. i don't really know how i'm going to move on. i'm scared. can someone hold my hand for a while? i talk a big game but i need so much help. doesn't everyone?
unbound by earthly tethers
left my cellphone at home today.
been thinking about this idea that making art is a way to leave a part of yourself in the world. that which you produce, the fruit of you: children, art. your legacies.
left my cellphone at home today.
been thinking about this idea that making art is a way to leave a part of yourself in the world. that which you produce, the fruit of you: children, art. your legacies.
i type this to you from my repaired and fully functioning g4 powerbook. the world is an ok place, and people are really nice sometimes.
yo:
i am offering astrology readings in return for a donation to my laptop repair fund. i am a very well educated astrologer, with years of training. if you're interested in having your chart read, check this out:
http://elly.org/this/older/002974.html
i also have the skillz and supplies to make professional size hula hoops for hoop performers. i'd be glad to trade you one for a donation.
thanks guys - i'm in hell with no laptop.
i am offering astrology readings in return for a donation to my laptop repair fund. i am a very well educated astrologer, with years of training. if you're interested in having your chart read, check this out:
http://elly.org/this/older/002974.html
i also have the skillz and supplies to make professional size hula hoops for hoop performers. i'd be glad to trade you one for a donation.
thanks guys - i'm in hell with no laptop.
