To start off with, I'm back at Milly's place, and also, I no longer have the kitties. Tora couldn't have come with me because there's no way she would have passed for Hawaii's strict quaranteen (she's too young to have her two rabies shots), and would have had to have been kept in a facility for 120 days or something like that because Hawaii has STRICT rabies laws, and that didn't seem like a fair life at all for her, so I gave her up. Still blue about it.

Also:

So....anyone remember my last blog where I said I didn't wanna go out, and in the end, I decided I changed my mind?

Yeah, that night ended with some seriously hot sex and my very first experience with mollies. SO! Let's go back to a few days, and allow me to recount that lurid little night to you.

Seriously. Still trying to make sense of it.

Long story short, it was my guy's birthday, and I was really not in the mood to go out and watch him get utterly trashed to the point of puking everywhere. That's kind of my relationship pet peeve, given my ex was a HUGE fucking drunkard who would come home and puke on me more times than I care to actually admit, or atleast puke on something of value. I'm all for having a good time, but don't get so fucked up you become a huge pain in the ass for everyone else.

And my dude has a knack for not knowing his limits, but at the same time, it WAS his birthday, and I figured, okay, I'll go with you to the club. I managed to salvage this cute, tight and super short little black dress that I thought had perished in the wash (it was dry clean only and got mixed in), and sewed up a torn strap and borrowed his brother's GORGEOUS seven-inch heels that elevate me from 5'8 to 6'1.

My boyfriend had to work on his birthday (his boss is SUCH a money-grubbing PRICK, and I knew he wouldn't be in a partying mood given he didn't get off until around 10:30ish or so, and the clubs closed at 2. Still, I wanted to surprise him because RARELY will I dress like that. I mean SUPER rare.

Plus......his brother, as a birthday gift, had bought mollies, and I'd never tried them before, and I wanted to experience that super raging horniness that you supposedly get when you take em. So, I showered, used my "Special Occassion" bath gel, gave myself a hot oil treatment for my skin, and used my super expensive Burberry perfume I almost never wear because it's SO DAMN EXPENSIVE (and thank God it was a gift haha). I put on light eyemakeup, and then...

....I put on my pajamas and texted my boyfriend that I was feeling sick and didn't feel like going. This put him in a worse mood, and when he came home, he almost didn't want to go to the club, but I guilt-tripped him by saying all his friends and family were there, and it's also his twin brother's birthday too, and blah, blah, blah, and he muttered, "Fine" and went to go take a shower.

I jumped out of bed and put on the dress and the heels, and rushed to the kitchen to get the piece of birthday cake I had bought for him, lit some candles and as soon as he came out the shower, STILL bitching and moaning when I showed it to him and he saw how I was dressed, and then his WHOLE entire demeanor changed and he was embarrassed and he smiled and he hugged me and kissed me, and thanked me, and I teased him about feeling like a dick, and just...sigh. It was nice. Really nice.

We decided to take the molly together and then call a cab to get to the club because his friends and fam were waiting, liquored up, and waited downstairs for the cab that NEVER came because cab companies in the valley are just impossibly incompetent so we called TWO MORE cabs and waited to see which one would get there first

Well, the drug hit him no problem, because he used to go out and club a lot, and he was QUITE a sight to behold. It was like I wasn't even with the same man; like this different person. He started talking a lot (a little differently), and there's a mirror in the lobby downstairs, and when I went to check on my appearance, he literally rammed me up against the mirror from behind, grabbed my throat and basically began playing between my legs and licked side of my throat and said, "I am going to tear you up tonight."

...And I about fainted. Keep in mind, this is the same dude who hasn't had sex with me in two months, and again, we ALL know how I was handling that little drought thus far.

Well, I about fainted. I LOVE aggressive men (aggressive in bed anyway) because I'm a total submissive and to see him acting this way (kind of similarly to when we first started dating) had me GONE. I was too ready to have sex with him.

And then just like that, he pulls away and I about die. So, we continue waiting for the cabs.

By now, because I'm just sitting around, and because I've been going outside where it's cold, the drug didn't hit me at all. I thought it was a dud and given my experience with benadryl for recreation (lmao, my God, that sounds terrible), I thought, "Okay, maybe I'm not feeling it because I still have some (benadryl) in my system."

BY NOW, we are an hour late to the goddamn club because NONE of the goddamn cabs ever showed, and my guy (who was starting to "peak" which means he was reaching the height of the drug where the full effects were in swing) just started getting agitated, and frankly, so was I. I'd got dressed up, I wanted to go to the club, and I basically wanted to get drunk and fuck on the dance floor.

So, eventually, his family and friends are like, "WHERE ARE YOU GUYS" and we explain, and I give him a ton of water and they say, "We're gonna go to Crave" (which is a twenty-four-hour hipster cafe for when the clubs let out) and we'll just meet you guys there. And I'm like, "Okay! Can do!" So in the end, he and I ended up driving his car, and he was doing fine (was aware and whatnot)...

But then the drug hit me. REALLY. REALLY. hard.

And my WHOLE body went up in flames. Suddenly, EVERYTHING felt good. I liked the way my dress felt against my body, the heels on my shoes, and as soon as he could see that my eyes had started to dialate, he started leering at me in this positively predatory way and started playing between my legs again while driving and I literally exploded. It is like THE MOST intense high I have ever had.

And THEN we do something reckless: We pull off the road, to the side of the street near the train station where the monthly cars are parked, and it's dark (AND RIGHT NEXT TO A POLICE STATION), put the car in park, and just start going at it. See, I'm NOT that reckless normally because I'm terrified to get caught, but we fucked in that car SO hard it didn't make ANY SENSE. It was CRAZY INTENSE.

Interesting fact about me: I like giving head (sorry for the abruptness lol) but my brain was FRIED with sensory overload to the point where I even came from giving him head, and having him be so rough with me, and having sex in a place where we could literally get caught at ANY GIVEN MOMENT.

And for the first time, it...really almost felt like when we first started dating, and we were having sex NONSTOP, always, always, always fucking around and the dirty talk, and the sexiest thing to me is hearing him moan and say my name, and "abusing" me a bit during sex, because let's face it: I love rough sex.
So, to go back to ALL of that...over a year later....I about cried.

By the time we got to Crave, the club they were at hadn't quite let out so we just sat in his car and talked about us and the future, and I even remembered the first time I ever did shrooms with him (WHICH I HATE because of the stomach twisting side effects) which, coincidentally, was on his birthday last year, and how we walked around in the rain at night until dawn, and talked about our own personal problems, and went on a two-mile walk to seven-eleven, and held each other's hands, and hid out on the playground in a slide to keep the rain from getting to us, and how that was the first time I'd seen him cry and really open up to me, and vice versa...

Even NOW, I'm feeling emotional just remembering experiences with him I had all but forgotten.

And suddenly, here we are, a year later, coming down from our highs from the molly, and talking about our future and everything. And you know what his biggest worry is about long distance and us?

That I'm NOT going to change.

Coincidentally, that is the SAME EXACT fear I have about him.

Basically, the one thing that stresses him out (and believe me, I KNOW) is that he's always paying for me, and taking care of me, and how I didn't have a steady job, and yeah....I can understand. Feeling all this pressure, and blah, blah, blah, and yeah, I understand. I know me better than that. He's afraid that things will continue to stay like that, even if we get married, and I told him I understood.

I ALSO told him that he shouldn't expect me to be the same woman the next time we meet. But I also told him that words are meaningless, and that one of these days, he's gonna see just how much I've changed, and he'll be BEGGING me to be in his life and have his children, and get married to him, and how every, single woman he'll have after me will fail in comparison, and that he better be at the top of HIS game too, because he might turn around, and I might not be there. You know what he actually said?

"Even if we do break up, you're hard to replace."

I told him flat out, "That's because you can't substitute a fake for an original."

I was SO proud of myself as arrogant as that sounded. But at the same time, I KNOW I'm a burden to him because of that, you know? I mean, I AM ashamed: What 24 year old woman has to rely on her boyfriend for EVERYTHING? It's humiliating, which is why I'm GLAD we're both moving out and to separate places, so we can BOTH get our shit together.

Basically, the verdict is this: we're gonna do long distance, and if that doesn't work out, keep in touch, and still see each other whenever we can, and if it's decided we want to be together after all of that, then HURRAY, but if not, then at least we learned from each other, right?

See, I say that now, but the truth is, we're probably gonna end up breaking up, and I'm probably going to be destroyed, but I'll build myself up, JUST as I told him, and so that any woman after will absolutely FAIL in comparison to me, my success, and my life (as HEINOUSLY bitchy as that sounds), and that ANY man will throw themselves at me, and want to keep me, marry me, fuck me constantly, deal with my emotions, my "Hey, just calling you to let you know I took a plane to Australia to surf and you should come here too after work!" type of spontaneous, make an honest woman out of me ("honest" lol), and mainly, accept me and love me for who I am.

So, that's basically what's happening. The only difference is in between my last relationship, and now, is that I have both completed school (for the first time since graduating high school), I'm older and wiser (HAH, "wiser" she says) and I've got opportunities I NEVER would have experience stuck in the asscrack of Nowhere, Illinois.

BUT, that's also not the end of the story:

So, after we tell each other that we love each other still, and just to take it as it comes and goes, we get outta the car, and now we're both experiencing that calm after the high, but it's not quite the crash, because the drug is still in both of us. We meet up with his friends and his brother's friends, and enjoy ourselves at the cafe, and then decide to head home.

Well, I'm still horny and so is he, but we wait until we shower, brush our teeth (because you get THE WORST cotton mouth on mollies, which is why they always say drink a shit ton of water because you get dehydrtated, but that's any drug I think)...

And anyway, we get home and do all that, and just as we start messing around, his brother and his boyfriend come home (and remember, our room is nothing but the living room with a curtain from wall to wall for privacy. There's no door, and EVERY sound we make can be heard) and they start fooling around in the kitchen because his sister and mom are asleep in the other room.

I about KILLED someone. The molly kicked into overgear and it was the MOST PAINFUL five minutes until they went into their own room, and after that, I all but tore him apart. I started sucking his dick like crazy, and he got hard and huge in a hurry, and then we had THE MOST vicious sex I think we've ever had. I mean my brain was just SHOT and I'm running on pure feel good at this point. It was so hard he actually made me bleed a bit (not complaining), and even as hard as my skin is to mark, he left bruises from where he was gripping my hips, and biting my neck, and the whole nine yards.

I felt like a PRO seeing him groaning and moaning and making all of these sounds, and oh my GOD, I about died. Seriously.

I fainted. I literally fainted.

And when I woke up, I was wrapped up in the blankets with this fool just like our first time together (when we had sex eight times in one night which is as pleasurably painful as it sounds lol), and I just felt SO content.

Well, we went to breakfast at our usual filipino place, and bought boxes, because it dawned on me we were moving the next day (yesterday). And then when we were packing and everything, I kind of started getting emotional.

And yesterday was the move, and he moved to Valencia which is closer to work, and again, I'm back here in LA with Milly, but it just seemed so damn surreal. I mean, I was really depressed yesterday, and as soon as I went to bed, I cried and bawled and sobbed until I about made myself sick, prayed a little bit, and wrote in my diary until I calmed down and passed the hell out.

I was in bad shape last night, but I felt significantly better when I woke up. A new day, right? New start. See, that's the funny thing about having breakdowns that come from just a lot of emotional shit accumulating over the past days: once it hits you, you either wallow in it, or you have that breakdown, cry until you about puke, and then...wake up the next day, realize:

"I'm alive. I'm still here. As painful as that was, I survived it. The world is still turning, and that means I'm still here for a reason."

And just get up and go.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty drained, but also happy, mainly because my school's director put in a favor for me, and referred me to a nursing job at a lovely nursing home. I went to talk to the director today, who in turn wasn't even there (goddammit), so I have to go back tomorrow (technically today), and hopefully I'll have a full-time job until it's time to head to Maui with Milly in May. Then I came back, changed into sweats, made some hot chocolate, ate some chilly-cheese dogs from 7-11, smoked a bit with Mill, and passed out until about an hour ago when I woke up and went back to 7-11 for some Arizona lol.

But, yeah...I'll be a-okay. I'm not saying I won't have my moments, but I'll be okay.

Well, lookie at what we got here...


Dwam sent me my set I shot back in June or July 2012 (which is why I look so different haha)...








And then I got this little gem from Waikiki shot at the Florida shootfest with Yesenia....




THEN I got the proofs back from Brooklyn from the set I shot with her (and had AMAZING help and coaching from both Tristyn and Brewin) which basically marks the first set I've ever shot featuring the look I'm going to keep for atleast the next couple of years (with the addition of new tattoos, of course!), with my hair the shortest it's ever been: shaved and bleach blonde.



(I'll post larger pictures when I get em!)

These last pictures mean a LOT to me, because SO much has happened in between my set with Dwam, and this set with Brooklyn. I've grown, survived a LOT of shit, and...really, that's the image I want people to see me as.


So, PLENTY of awesome goodies coming your way soon!

I'll be at BOTH the San Diego "Hard Girls: Soft Light" book signing as well as the Los Angeles SuicideGirls "Hard Girls: Soft Light" book signing, so be sure to come! It'll be a blast and I'd love to meet so many of ya!



OH! And of course, we can't forget about WONDERCON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be there this year too, so again, come on out! I'd love to meetcha!