i wake up in the morning with a sadness like a stone in my gut. it feels like a stain under my skin. a bruise, blood spilling just under the surface. but i can't see it. i turn over, try to push it away. this is not happening again. i'm over this.

i sit at the back of an empty yellow school bus. the window is down, the wind is whipping my hair around. a streak of bright red against the backdrop of a field of sunflowers. i want to fall asleep in the field with someone who's shoulder i can use to rest my head. i want to feel someone's arms around me again.

there are trees behind the field of yellow. dark green trees, i think they're pines. there are fields with hay bales standing proudly. and i know this is my home. i know this is one of of those beautiful moments. those simple, pure moments that stick inside your head forever, even if they are uneventful. the girl i am should be sucking this in like air. letting it penetrate me.

i started crying last night. it burst through me so suddenly that it worried me. not this again. i'm over that. but the intensity with which it poured out of me leads me to believe that there is so much just below the surface. it's like a bottle of champagne ready to burst. i want somebody to lap this up. it's intoxicating i swear. maybe even delicious.



there's another girl in my class who likes the same boy as me. i can tell from the way she looks at him, the way she holds her body when she talks to him. i can tell she knows i like him too. and there was a bit of tension at first. i wanted that boy so badly, and i'm sure she did too. usually that would mean someone's throat getting ripped out.

today her and i were talking, and it's so nice. it makes me feel like there's some hope in this world because we don't hate each other. we're both intelligent, unique women with a fair amount in common. we don't need to hate each other because of some boy. i've never been the jealous type either. i don't mind sharing, as long as i'm getting sufficient attention. not that he'd be into that or anything. oh, how i only wish.

but for now, it's hard to say which of us he prefers, or if he has a preference. i don't really care that much anymore. summer is rolling through me, and so is this sadness, and he is seeming less and less important. i have another boy lined up for when i go away for august. hopefully things with that boy will be more successful. i know i'm a hot piece of ass, with a fucking personality to boot, so i should have someone to sleep in sunflower fields with me.



i need to meet some people who know how to appreciate a bitchy girl like me. i need to meet boys who aren't intimidated by my intelligence and confidence. i need to party with people who aren't freaked out by girls who play just as hard, and want just as much as the boys. i like to get wasted. i piss in bushes and swear a lot. i get sad in the mornings and when i go to sleep. i also write poetry and like to be told that i'm pretty, so it's a pretty mixed bag. a lot of people have a hard time handling that.

first, i lure you in with random drunken pictures, then, i hit you with an update about my weekend.

i went up to southampton with my mom and my sister. my sister fell very ill and as a result, there was minimal partying. i met a boy though. a certain boy who i intend to call next time i'm up there. yes, i would like to tap that shit.

i went to this party that my aunt was having and got totally trashed. i didn't even mean to. i was drinking white wine. but then this creepy guy kept giving me cesars and i drank them. the guy himself was really annoying. he tried to convince me that bisexuals are incapable of monogamy. i was like, fuck you man.

i talked to these girls who were like eleven and twelve. they wanted to know all about my piercings. i feel confident that when these girls hit an age when they start getting pierced, they will be armed with accurate information. that's something i didn't have when i first started getting pierced. i'm glad i was able to help them out and dispell a few myths.

but yeah, at the party i got so wasted, i ended up dancing my ass off with my mom, aunt and grandmother. three generations of really drunk women, grooving to the music. it was fun. i find i get along with people better when i'm really, really drunk.

i finally got access to a camera, and so, i present you with some recent pictures of myself. this is what i looked like a few minutes ago, after a long day of summer school. and i'm wearing my sg tanktop at that.

today, my sister and i went across the street from the school at lunch, like we do every day. there is this steep hill that goes down into this forest. it's called "lackie's bush" but we call it "lady's bush" because we're fucking funny. well, we went there today to smoke up but we had very little weed. this made us sad.

now, a lot of people smoke up in lady's bush. i can tell because of all the empty dime bags and make-shift bongs that litter the ground. i like this. it makes me feel at home. because we were desperate today, my sister and i searched the forest floor for any lonely weed that may have been left behind. and sure enough, we found a roach. without hesistation, we smoked it. that's the kind of potheads we are.

well you see, i don't know what the fuck was in that joint but it sure as hell wasn't just weed. we got so fucked up. i can't even describe how it felt. it was unlike any drug i've tried, and i've tried a few drugs in my day. class was definately interesting, needless to say. i'd promise myself not to smoke roaches that i find on the ground anymore, but i know that i would only end up breaking that promise. because, well, that's the kind of girl i am.

this picture is here because it represents me as a person. i'm the pink leg and my sister is wearing the fabulous fishnets.

i don't care anymore. i've made my intentions for the boy clear. i know he likes me. it's written all over his face. maybe he's just scared. i scare a lot of boys. but if he's going to make my life difficult because he can't make up his mind, well, that's just not acceptable.

my confidence is through the roof these days, as it should be. i no longer wish to be trampled on by those i show the slightest attraction to. if you can't stand the heat, get away from the fucking fire, bitch.

and there are always, always, always more boys.

i went to a show with my sister. we got drunk in the bushes outside. these guys saw us taking a piss and felt the need to comment. i was like: bitch! don't fucking look at us. and so on.

and we met some really fucking kickass hardcore grrrls. they fucking rocked it. i fucking love them. and we told them all how we felt.

and then dirty bird smoked us some fucking hash! it was fucking awesome. they even gave us a fucking joint for later. i'm still high on that shit right now. amazing.

oh, and some random guy gave us his vodka. yay for that.

i'm still drunk. i think it's hilarious that i left that guy in the grocery store. after how he was treating me. i know i'm pretty, and i was sort of into him, but that doesn't mean he can treat me like i'm so fucking disposable.

4 people recognized my sg tanktop today. holy shit. i just got it in the mail. i wore it out. i ended up jumping up and down and clutching my sg-covered tits. i was super badcore excited.

i have a crush on a certain boy. *dies*

roar. there are too many gorgeous women on this site. it's keeping me happily distracted.

this is an older picture ... but it suits the mood.

that's me, last march, looking slightly different but also sort of the same as i do now. those may even be the application pictures i sent into sg. i just wanted to give you all more of an idea of how much of a hottie i am. keep in mind i'm on fucking dial up right now, which limits my use of this site greatly. be glad i took the time to upload those. be very glad.

i hope to write more later, when i'm more high, and less sober.

it seems i went crazy again. oh well.

it seems i've been getting *boy* crazy a lot since i moved back to this town.

maybe i need some grrrl love.

i have a beautiful hickey from the beautiful medusa. it was a lot of fun getting it.

the suburbs of bradford. drunk. stars in the sky so bright and pure. i was never meant to live in a city.

red lines split the surface a little bit.

i came between a man twice my size and his wife. it was the middle of the night. she was running and she was terrified.

i was drunk and i couldn't let him do it so i put myself into the situation. i'm lucky i got my ass out alive. and so did she. she got away.

it was so fucking disturbing. he wanted to hurt her.

tomorrow is school again. i am looking forward to this. i only hope that the big new hickey on my neck does not deter my crush.

it was a good night from what i remember of it.