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This is officially the worst Valentine's Day ever. I've been lonely and picking fights with TaoAndCoffee all week. I hate needing him more than he needs me. I painted him a Valentine's Day card but he hasn't gotten it yet. I told him not to open it and just throw it away when it gets there. I'm out of practice with painting so it looks stupid.
Yeah pretty ugly. Now I wish I hadn't sent it. We've done nothing but argue the last few days and he's getting really tired of me telling him all the reasons he doesn't care about me. I know I'm being unfair because things had been better the last few weeks but I can't let the stupid shit he did before go. I've been crying at work again because I don't know how this will ever work for us.
He said he did actually send me something for Valentine's Day but he didn't get it in the mail to me until last Friday. I have no idea if it'll ever get here since his last package never came and it's been over 3 months now. Of course he only told me he sent something instead of letting me be surprised when there was a package because I went off on what a shitty BF he is just sending an ecard and did he forget about Valentine's day or just not care. Now I wish I didn't know he sent something because it'll probably never come.
I got home from work and when I pulled into my driveway I could see a box sitting on my front porch. I got really excited thinking his box made it here really fast. When I ran through the house to check the mail there was also a package in my mail box from a name I didn't recognize. It took me a bit to remember that his mom is remarried and that's her last name. She sent me this very interesting scarf she made.
Then I moved on to the box. I saw it was from See's Candies. If you've never had candy from them you need to. It's old fashioned and they've tried to keep things the same as when they opened in the 1920's. It was a tradition in my family that my parents would get my brother and me candy from them for Christmas and as we got older we would get some for them. I even brought some back for Zarphin's dad last time I was in Arizona and I guess he thought it was almost orgasmic. It's still all hand made so it's kind of expensive. I thought for sure this was from either my mom or Tao. It's a very pretty heart shaped box. I don't think anyone has ever given me a heart shaped box of chocolates before.
Nope. It's from my soon to be ex husband. Our divorce should be final in a week from today in fact. Inside was a note that said "I fully expect you'll be mad at me for this, but I wanted to send you a gift for our last Valentine's. Be happy." It kills me that he still loves me. He is a great guy and a great person but we had some issues we couldn't overcome and we couldn't trust each other anymore. We had really grown apart. I wish he would move on and find someone who might actually make him happy. We split up a year ago and he moved out last May. I also know that his financial situation is at least as fucked as mine and he can't afford to be sending anyone giant boxes of hand made chocolates.
And now Tao feels like an asshole because he didn't get whatever he sent in the mail in time to get here by today. He also knows how much I love See's candies and probably feels even worse that they aren't from him.
So now I'm sitting home alone on Valentine's Day with a frozen pizza for dinner and a big box of my favorite chocolates I feel too guilty to eat and I can't even talk to my damn BF because he's at work.
Yeah my life is shit.
Yeah pretty ugly. Now I wish I hadn't sent it. We've done nothing but argue the last few days and he's getting really tired of me telling him all the reasons he doesn't care about me. I know I'm being unfair because things had been better the last few weeks but I can't let the stupid shit he did before go. I've been crying at work again because I don't know how this will ever work for us.
He said he did actually send me something for Valentine's Day but he didn't get it in the mail to me until last Friday. I have no idea if it'll ever get here since his last package never came and it's been over 3 months now. Of course he only told me he sent something instead of letting me be surprised when there was a package because I went off on what a shitty BF he is just sending an ecard and did he forget about Valentine's day or just not care. Now I wish I didn't know he sent something because it'll probably never come.
I got home from work and when I pulled into my driveway I could see a box sitting on my front porch. I got really excited thinking his box made it here really fast. When I ran through the house to check the mail there was also a package in my mail box from a name I didn't recognize. It took me a bit to remember that his mom is remarried and that's her last name. She sent me this very interesting scarf she made.
Then I moved on to the box. I saw it was from See's Candies. If you've never had candy from them you need to. It's old fashioned and they've tried to keep things the same as when they opened in the 1920's. It was a tradition in my family that my parents would get my brother and me candy from them for Christmas and as we got older we would get some for them. I even brought some back for Zarphin's dad last time I was in Arizona and I guess he thought it was almost orgasmic. It's still all hand made so it's kind of expensive. I thought for sure this was from either my mom or Tao. It's a very pretty heart shaped box. I don't think anyone has ever given me a heart shaped box of chocolates before.
Nope. It's from my soon to be ex husband. Our divorce should be final in a week from today in fact. Inside was a note that said "I fully expect you'll be mad at me for this, but I wanted to send you a gift for our last Valentine's. Be happy." It kills me that he still loves me. He is a great guy and a great person but we had some issues we couldn't overcome and we couldn't trust each other anymore. We had really grown apart. I wish he would move on and find someone who might actually make him happy. We split up a year ago and he moved out last May. I also know that his financial situation is at least as fucked as mine and he can't afford to be sending anyone giant boxes of hand made chocolates.
And now Tao feels like an asshole because he didn't get whatever he sent in the mail in time to get here by today. He also knows how much I love See's candies and probably feels even worse that they aren't from him.
So now I'm sitting home alone on Valentine's Day with a frozen pizza for dinner and a big box of my favorite chocolates I feel too guilty to eat and I can't even talk to my damn BF because he's at work.
Yeah my life is shit.
Apparently my loan modification for my mortgage has been approved. Yippy! I'll believe it when my payment is actually changed since my boss likes to irk me by doing things in his own time. This will save me $70 a month. Which I will then lose once my divorce is final at the end of this month and I have to start paying the higher single income tax rate. Shit.
Sigh. I work where I have my mortgage in the MORTGAGE SERVICING DEPARTMENT. My boss oversees what I do and the collections department. This means he handles requests for loan modifications due to financial hardship. When I told him about my divorce last spring he said to let him know if I needed help since I'm keeping the house. In October I told him I need help. He hemmed and hawed and finally in November told me I needed to give him some of my financial info so the same day he gave me the list I emailed everything to him. In January I asked what was happening with it and he said he never even looked at it. Finally this week we sat down and went through all of my financials together and what I'm budgeting and actually spending versus what I make. He said yeah I'm not over spending anywhere I shouldn't be (partly because I have no social life and never go out to eat and I don't really buy myself anything other than what I need) and based on that information I'm a hairs breadth away from being fucked. He said if one thing happens, like oh say a gas/electric bill being over $300 when I budgeted a monthly max of $150, I'm fucked. He sent everything to his boss recommending a modification to my mortgage to lower my payment. He said I should know something by the end of today. Nothing. I really hope this isn't how they treat other mortgagors who need help. I've been spending more than I'm making since October just to pay my minimum bills and medical bills for my cats and myself. Can they give me a fucking break? They say I'm good at my job and I'm the only person there who knows how to do what I do and they want me to stick around. Guess what, if they won't help me to be able to afford my house and I have to sell it I'm moving the fuck away. There's nothing else keeping me here anymore and I miss my family and being warm and not almost getting into an accident because dumbasses drive in the snow like the roads are dry.
So I guess cross your fingers they'll help me. Apparently they may not because my savings isn't down to zero yet so even though my income doesn't really support my expenses anymore and they won't pay me more I might not qualify for help.
So I guess cross your fingers they'll help me. Apparently they may not because my savings isn't down to zero yet so even though my income doesn't really support my expenses anymore and they won't pay me more I might not qualify for help.
OMG OMG OMG!!! Naked pictures are going up in a few hours. Remember to check out my new set Twisted Metal shot by the lovely and wonderful Inkblot98. Here are some teasers. Check it out and tell your friends. 
Here's my bum. Yesterday I worked with the local photographer again for a show he's doing in April. Enjoy. When he sends me the other pics he's going to use for the show I'll post them.
First of all I want to apologize to everyone who has a message in my inbox that I haven't responded to yet. Work was stupid crazy and I worked a bit of OT so I could take my vacation.
A week ago Saturday was my work Christmas party and Zarphin was my date. He was an awesome date. He entertained me and played nice with my coworkers and looked awesome in a suit. He is of course now lusting for my adorable, beautiful, cute, and crazy coworker who unfortunately hasn't broken up with her BF yet. She seems somewhat interested in Zarphin too so maybe that'll be the push she needs to end things with her current guy since it's not really going anywhere.
I'm in Phoenix right now and it's been a great trip. Had two layovers and 3 planes to get here but it went surprisingly smoothly, with a few bumps along the way. Michigan to Chicago was fine except I got to the airport way too early. Damn me and my OCD planning. I got to sit around there for over an hour waiting for my plane. Thanks to Zarphin for taking an hour out of work to make sure I had a ride to the airport. The plane from Michigan to Chicago was tiny. I had a whole row of seats all to myself because the row consisted of a single seat. I had about an hour in Chicago for my next plane and got to sit next to two interesting dudes who didn't know each other. I got the isle seat, the guy in the middle whose name was apparently Brenden said he was 25, a commodities trader in the metal business and stunk like beer so I wonder how much of what he said was bullshit. I didn't catch the other guy's name but he was a med student at Northwestern and was 26 and feeling old. Brenden blah blahed the entire little over an hour flight to St. Louis so at least I wasn't bored.
The airport in St. Louis has the worst layout ever. I had to change airlines for my final flight and the way the airport is laid out I had to leave the secured area, go back through security, and run to my gate. I had just enough time to grab a tea, overpriced banana, and a bagel at Starbucks for lunch before getting on my next plane. Thanks to TaoAndCoffee for remembering to refill my Starbucks card before I left so he indirectly bought me lunch.
I got the isle seat on my last flight too. The guy in the window seat fell asleep during take off and slept the whole flight so he was boring. There was a boy who was about 14 in the middle seat. It was his first time flying alone so he was scared because of that, and he is apparently scared of everything, heights, roller coasters, boating... We hit a lot of turbulence so he was clutching the arm rests and trying not to hyperventilate. The turbulence was actually bad enough that I even got a little freaked out but I kept reassuring him things would be fine and planes don't just fall out of the sky because of rough air. When he said he was scared of heights I told him to imagine he was on a boat and the water was just choppy and he said he'd never been on a boat in choppy water but the idea of being able to swim to safety was more reassuring to him than falling out of the sky hoping the pilot didn't kill us all.
I got into Phoenix on December 23rd and my brother's college punk band had a reunion show that night. My friend Katie who I've seen once since high school tried to organize a little reunion for our friends to meet at the club. Most people didn't show up but I had a great time with the ones who did. I got to see my brother's childhood BFF and his younger brother who is a year older than me, and his knock out GF. They live in Chicago now so I need to get out there to visit them. We reminisced about when we were kids and they never let me play with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys with them because I was a girl.
Here is my formerly fat and shy brother show boating it up on stage. I can't believe how much he's come out of his shell since we were kids.
The drummer dressed as Santa for the show. My brother kept getting in the way so I only got a pic of Santa during one song that he plays guitar in.
My friend Justin that I've known since I was about 10 came and picked me up for the show and reunion and I made him stop at the graveyard (in the dark so I think he was a bit creeped out) to visit our friend Ryan who died our junior year of high school. I always feel bad if I'm in town and I don't go to his grave site. I miss him and wonder what he would be like if he were still here.
I also found a pic from when I was in 3rd grade I think that I thought you all might find amusing.
I leave town tomorrow morning and my dad and I are driving the Explorer back so I can have a winter car so I stop damaging my poor Mustang. It's about a 30 hour drive and our goal is to do it without stopping except to eat and pee. Wish us luck!
And lastly, the cup I've been using for tea since I've been here.
A week ago Saturday was my work Christmas party and Zarphin was my date. He was an awesome date. He entertained me and played nice with my coworkers and looked awesome in a suit. He is of course now lusting for my adorable, beautiful, cute, and crazy coworker who unfortunately hasn't broken up with her BF yet. She seems somewhat interested in Zarphin too so maybe that'll be the push she needs to end things with her current guy since it's not really going anywhere.
I'm in Phoenix right now and it's been a great trip. Had two layovers and 3 planes to get here but it went surprisingly smoothly, with a few bumps along the way. Michigan to Chicago was fine except I got to the airport way too early. Damn me and my OCD planning. I got to sit around there for over an hour waiting for my plane. Thanks to Zarphin for taking an hour out of work to make sure I had a ride to the airport. The plane from Michigan to Chicago was tiny. I had a whole row of seats all to myself because the row consisted of a single seat. I had about an hour in Chicago for my next plane and got to sit next to two interesting dudes who didn't know each other. I got the isle seat, the guy in the middle whose name was apparently Brenden said he was 25, a commodities trader in the metal business and stunk like beer so I wonder how much of what he said was bullshit. I didn't catch the other guy's name but he was a med student at Northwestern and was 26 and feeling old. Brenden blah blahed the entire little over an hour flight to St. Louis so at least I wasn't bored.
The airport in St. Louis has the worst layout ever. I had to change airlines for my final flight and the way the airport is laid out I had to leave the secured area, go back through security, and run to my gate. I had just enough time to grab a tea, overpriced banana, and a bagel at Starbucks for lunch before getting on my next plane. Thanks to TaoAndCoffee for remembering to refill my Starbucks card before I left so he indirectly bought me lunch.
I got the isle seat on my last flight too. The guy in the window seat fell asleep during take off and slept the whole flight so he was boring. There was a boy who was about 14 in the middle seat. It was his first time flying alone so he was scared because of that, and he is apparently scared of everything, heights, roller coasters, boating... We hit a lot of turbulence so he was clutching the arm rests and trying not to hyperventilate. The turbulence was actually bad enough that I even got a little freaked out but I kept reassuring him things would be fine and planes don't just fall out of the sky because of rough air. When he said he was scared of heights I told him to imagine he was on a boat and the water was just choppy and he said he'd never been on a boat in choppy water but the idea of being able to swim to safety was more reassuring to him than falling out of the sky hoping the pilot didn't kill us all.
I got into Phoenix on December 23rd and my brother's college punk band had a reunion show that night. My friend Katie who I've seen once since high school tried to organize a little reunion for our friends to meet at the club. Most people didn't show up but I had a great time with the ones who did. I got to see my brother's childhood BFF and his younger brother who is a year older than me, and his knock out GF. They live in Chicago now so I need to get out there to visit them. We reminisced about when we were kids and they never let me play with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys with them because I was a girl.
Here is my formerly fat and shy brother show boating it up on stage. I can't believe how much he's come out of his shell since we were kids.
The drummer dressed as Santa for the show. My brother kept getting in the way so I only got a pic of Santa during one song that he plays guitar in.
My friend Justin that I've known since I was about 10 came and picked me up for the show and reunion and I made him stop at the graveyard (in the dark so I think he was a bit creeped out) to visit our friend Ryan who died our junior year of high school. I always feel bad if I'm in town and I don't go to his grave site. I miss him and wonder what he would be like if he were still here.
I also found a pic from when I was in 3rd grade I think that I thought you all might find amusing.
I leave town tomorrow morning and my dad and I are driving the Explorer back so I can have a winter car so I stop damaging my poor Mustang. It's about a 30 hour drive and our goal is to do it without stopping except to eat and pee. Wish us luck!
And lastly, the cup I've been using for tea since I've been here.
I've been a busy (and still sick!) little bee. I'll be off to Phoenix in a few days!!!! More to come.
