Dating sucks! A week after TaoAndCoffee and I broke up someone I had a crush on a few years ago expressed both past and current interest. Apparently he'd been planning to ask me out until he realized I was married. We've hung out a few times and the more I get to know him the more I like him. The issue is we're both pretty fucked up emotionally because we're both coming out of really unhealthy long distance relationships. We're both having a hard time letting go of the relationships that were going nowhere and were more detrimental than beneficial to our well being. After being second to TAC's ex for the first half of our relationship I can't do that again until he either gets over this girl or decides to try again with her.

I don't know if I should trust him that he's trying to move on or not. He says he's working on tying up the loose ends with her. He says he wants to try to build a relationship with me when I'm ready and even if she said she wants him back he wouldn't trust her because she's said it before and used it to hurt him. He said he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me. We started hanging out as friends and I really had no clue he was interested in me so I did a lot of bitching and venting about my ex husband and TAC so I think he already knows my emotional issues.

I do like him a lot though and there's potential with him. So do I say fuck it now and save myself potential hurt or go with it and see what happens? He's already put a lot of effort into letting me know he's serious about me. He's working out of town and is only home every 4 days and is trying to see me when he's home. He's brought me flowers and tea twice to have breakfast with me before I go to work on his way back into town. We're working opposite hours so he texts me when I'm getting ready for work in the morning and he's getting ready for bed, and again at night when he's on his break and I'm getting ready for bed. The few times we've had plans together he's been early, which I'm totally not used to since I've stopped counting on guys to bother showing up to see me. He says such sweet things and seems to mean them. He hasn't let me pay for dinner yet either.

He's a vegetarian, and an atheist, we like the same music and going to shows, he owns his own house(s) and car and I know how much money he has because we met when I was a teller and me knowing that doesn't bother him. He loves cats! He's been nothing but sweet and as far as I can tell honest with me. We have some mutual friends and one of them tells me she thinks he really does care about me and isn't just looking for sex, which is what he tells me. I'm weird about having sex and have told him he's not getting any from me any time soon and he says that's fine and he won't push me.

I really don't think I'm ready for all this. I'm glad he's working out of town right now because I don't want to get too involved.

This song pretty well describes my current mood.

New peektures from my shoot yesterday! I think hundreds more are coming. It was musical photographers. The photos below were by Dave Whitson again. Seeing as the shoot was less than 24 hours ago none of the other photographers have sent anything and none of the photos are edited.

It was a really cool experience. There were two other models there. They set us up in our area and the 8 or so photographers that were there rotated around us until everyone had shot each of us in 3 different outfits. The energy was great, the photographers were awesome, and the other models were so much fun. Inkblot98 came with me and impressed both of the other girls with how helpful she was to them and the photographers with her willingness to learn all about what they were doing. Everyone had a great time. It wouldn't be me if I didn't make an ass of myself though. I was standing on an air mattress in heels and punched a big hole in it. Everyone heard the thing pop over all the voices and music. Oops.

I've been working on a dream of mine, modeling. It's hard to do much with this site I've found so I'm branching out hoping to gain experience and get paid. Here are some pretty fucking cool results.

These are outtakes of a shoot I did on March 10th by Inkblot98. God I love her! She was shooting the shoot and the photographer's flash did some cool things to her camera.












These are some "official" shoot photos, by Dave Whitson in Grand Rapids. He's offered me a paid pin-up shoot in about a week and a half. I can't wait!























The three of us had a lot of fun doing this and I can see where I'm improving already and LOTS of areas I need to improve on. Dave is retired so he's up to shoot as much as I want to get me the practice.

New news. I've talked it over with friends, family, and coworkers. I'll be staying in Michigan at least another year. I'm too mentally and emotionally fucked up to make a decision on where to go or what to do. I own a house here, I have great friends here, and I have a job that most days doesn't make me want to kill myself. My boss also doesn't want me leaving in the middle of the projects we're working on and he's scared of the knowledge I'll take with me when I go. I might actually be a loss to them when I leave.

I'm feeling really fucked up. I'm alone in my house and though nothing has really changed because he was never really here to begin with I feel more alone than I have in a long time. Zarphin has been crashing in my guest room so I'm not totally alone which helps but I'm still having trouble sleeping and I feel sick to my stomach a lot.

Whining over.

I'm on Twitter finally! Check out Kirin Suicide. I'll try to be more entertaining there than I am here.

I had a lovely chat with my boss today. I told him what happened with the BF and that I think it's time to move back to Phoenix. He said if that's my choice he won't do the modification to my mortgage. He said he'll still modify it if I agree to stay one more year. He thinks I'm being a wuss and trying to run home to mommy and daddy. In a sense yes. They're in their 60's, they've both had cancer, I know they won't be around forever. I will not be a drain on them though. If I have to move back in with them it'll be for a very short time until I get another job.

My boss said if I quit I'm putting the company in a shitty spot with all these unfinished projects, blah blah, I'm the only one who knows the system this well.

He also thinks I should stay because of the housing market.

I don't think he understands Michigan was only ever intended to be temporary for me. I stayed a year longer than planned because of TaoAndCoffee. So he got an extra year out of me as it is. I don't think he realizes that after about a year of living here I figured out I really didn't want to stay. I have some really awesome friends but I just feel out of place, and to be honest I'm sick of the cold and snow. I'm sick of the religious fanatics and the hunters and the rednecks. I'm tired of hardly being able to go out to eat because there is so little vegetarian food.

Isn't it reasonable that I've lost two men I loved, two pets I loved, I have a house I can't afford, and I want to go back to someplace I'm comfortable? I know the area, the type of people there are different than here and more laid back. I miss being able to go to shows when I want because good bands actually come to my city. I also think my chances of meeting Mr. Right are better someplace like Phoenix than a smallish city in Michigan.

Sigh.

He did it again. When he was supposed to leave to come here I got a text saying everything fell apart and he was going in to work instead. It's not coincidence anymore that this only happens on the weekends we're supposed to see each other. I told him I didn't believe him and I wanted his boss to call me. She never did. I have access to track his phone with seekdroid and it did show him at work all day but at this point that's no excuse. He hasn't made one of our scheduled visits since the beginning of November. This is it. I'm done. Every one of my friends and family are backing me on this. I don't know why I'm still a little weak for him but I know I need to stay strong in ending this. This will never stop unless I have the strength to end it.

I'm going to talk to the realtor I already had lined up on Monday about listing my house. The sooner I can move away from here the better I'll be able to sever ties with him. I'm going to miss the friends I've made dearly but there's nothing for me here and I miss my family. I'm so isolated from them here.

He's been deleted from my phone and FB, soon to be blocked on here I think, and probably on Skype also. I got a home phone so I could talk to him from bed so I think I can let that cancel in April rather than renewing.

He hasn't made much effort to contact me today. I'm starting to think I was just sex to him and he's tired of me and is moving on. He probably did months ago and that's why I've seen him once since the time he was here the first weekend in November. I just wish he would stop lying to me.

In a way I'm excited to move back to Phoenix and start a new life by myself and for myself but being this on my own scares the shit out of me. I know my family won't let me fall but I don't want to lean on them too much and wear out my welcome.

Basically, sad and scared, and hating it. My friends and coworkers here have rallied around me and told me to burn all his stuff. I asked him to take everything last time he was here in case he did this to me again but he didn't because he swore he was coming back. Now he's never coming back.

I fanfucking hate my software company at work! OMG how I hate them! We got this software in August 2009, so coming up on two and a half years now. I was a small part of the conversion team and it was a huge pain in the ass because they didn't even have the mortgage part written until like 3 days before we went live. That alone boggles my mind because apparently other banks have been using this piece of shit for years. So when we went live I was told that I could import a tax data file and the system would basically barf out my payment checks for me rather than me entering all 1,150 of my escrowed mortgages by hand. We weren't signed up with a tax service until about 6 months ago so I've been doing it by hand twice a year since December 2009. In September 2009 I realized that a sum total of my disbursements sure would come in handy so I don't have to re-add my entries by hand. This should be simple programming. Still not done. Every few months I add a note to my case with the software people asking for an update on this enhancement request which they steadfastly ignore. No one has responded since the end of 2009.

Well we got signed up with a tax service just before I had to pay taxes in December. Importing the file didn't work. I logged a case asking for instructions and was basically told to fuck off and had to pay everything by hand again. Every time I've asked for help and told them they're wrong and can they please at least look at the fucking data before telling me I'm wrong I get the run around. My coworkers thought I was going to explode today when after an hour on the phone with a software programmer and one of my wonderful IT guys we're no closer to getting this working.

I'm confused. How can other banks have been using this shitty pile of crap for YEARS and there are no written instructions/procedures/guidelines for how to do this? They can't even answer if I'm using the correct input information from the file to connect to the system record I'm trying to make an escrow payment from. When my IT guy asked for some specific information for how to do this he was told that was privileged and he couldn't have it. WTF!

My IT guy and I input the information one way and finally got no system errors. We almost threw a party. He ran an overnight in our testing database which should have created escrow disbursements. Nothing happened. No "checks" were cut, no dates were advanced, no amounts updated. He called our software people and were told no, we should be using the parcel number, not the tax contract number. I re-set my test accounts to the parcel number in the format from the data file we're importing. Every fucking loan errors out.

I'm generally a good problem solver at my job in spite of the worst software in history but this is beyond me. And them apparently.

Today brings a better mood. TaoAndCoffee's Valentine's package not only made it here but it made me smile.

I got a cute card that reminds me of bondage with the heart strapped to the front of it.



A book written by a crazy person about love.



Some really awesome post-its because he knows how much I love them. He will be getting some back with things written on them.



And cookies and cream Hershey's Kisses. I didn't even know they came in that flavor! I love that the packaging is in English and French because they came from Canada.



Hopefully in a little under two weeks I'll be getting this.



I used that pic because I know he'll be tired by the time I see him.