Kayna's March 05, 2008 blog

Kayna xsqueex

I’m private

MAIN

Wednesday blog

MARCH 5, 2008 @ 05:28 PM

i can't wait to go travelling again. All I fucking think about is getting the fuck out of here. i've got to save up some money this time, though. i can't travel around homeless & broke anymore.. that shit just about killed me. somehow its the best thing in the world when you're 18, but after a few years it occurs to you that you're only being entirely selfish, living off other peoples' kindnesses and never giving anything back to the world, which you feel entirely fine about and even priveledged to do because the rest of the world sucks, right? so fuck them? yeah. i'm tired of that lifestyle. and when you realize what a bullshit philosophy it is to live like that, you realize that everyone you were hanging around with were all selfish assholes too that would probably sell you out for a hot piece of ass or shot of dope even though they might be the closest thing to a best friend you have in your life.. anyway, fuck all the "12-step" bullshit and all that, but i have been trying to make as many amends for that period of my life as i can. including apologizing to all the people who i blatently used or took advantage of. which, unfortunately, includes several of you out there in SG Land. So, I guess this is a really round-a-bout apology to you guys. you know who you are.

but, yeah. travelling again. well.. one day, i hope. i know i can't do anything for a while right now. having the willpower not to just give up and run away again is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. which is why i have to do it. hopefully at the end, i'll be a better person.

PAGE:

1 | 2

justicia

I'm lost

November 2004

MAR 05, 2008 07:27 PM

regarding the better person thing, sounds like you're already on your way there. i went throught a very similar thing myself, and am happy for you and know it kinda sucks to have to own up to so much crap. it's the only way, though.

may the wind be at your back.

xxoo

allyn

United Kingdom

July 2004

MAR 05, 2008 11:27 PM

Welcome back!

sxyspin

Moab, UT

October 2005

MAR 06, 2008 09:02 AM

I agree with Justicia....sounds like you're growing up.......just like we all do at some point in our lives....only some take much longer than others......which is ok to.....on to the next chapter....whatever that may be

Elvira

SUICIDEGIRL

I'm lost

MAR 07, 2008 05:00 AM

sounds like a proccess of getting grown up or accept it....

i had that lifestyle as well and i feel like i really gotta start through and give some love back to others, i always had a good life with the companion of sugardaddies, but i think when you got power from yourself that brings you forward.

i hope you manage to be a better person, not better but probably wiser...hmm

travelling....when i think about it its so far away from me that this is my highest goal in life.
all i want to do is see the world..

one day...hope never dies...

xoxo

Daphnee

HOPEFUL

New Orleans, LA

MAR 13, 2008 12:25 PM

null You are truely an inspiration to me... Everything you are going through is soooooo similiar as to what I am experiencing right now. I have faith that it will one day be over for me; but until then, everyday remains a struggle for me not to give in to my temptation, my addiction, my love, my hate... it was everything to me, and now reality sets in and I know that the only way I'm going to be able to live, to survive is to stay stong. I am determined to beat this and in doing so, I am gonna experience all the things I negleted and this will bring happiness to my heart.... So, if this makes any sense.... I'm pulling for ya!! You can do it, and when you do - you'll experience life in a whole new world !!!

squee_

Grand Marais, MN

September 2004

APR 01, 2008 09:05 PM

Yeah, I had a very similar revelation myself quite a few years ago. Especially since I had a lot more options than some of the people I took advantage of. In hindsight I felt like that made it even worse. At the time I thought I was "free". Now it seems like that whole life was a prison of it's own.

Although I do miss the carefree traveling. Just getting up and going without having to have a plan. I do miss that. I've grown to hate the words Itinerary and schedule.

Daphnee

HOPEFUL

New Orleans, LA

APR 03, 2008 05:22 PM

I'm pullling for ya.... Remember, you always have me in your corner!!!
Azreale

veggie_booty

Chicago, IL

April 2008

APR 20, 2008 06:47 PM

kayna, i used to chat to you long ago. now i am back. and you are still beautiful. if you come through chicago hit me up.

Kay

SUICIDEGIRL

Antarctica

APR 27, 2008 11:43 AM

Good on you lady. Hang tight.

~cheers

CheshireCat

Los Angeles, CA

January 2004

JUL 25, 2008 12:57 AM

the other way of living is just as fucked if not more.so called responsibility only means paying fucking bills,and slowly dieing from the light radiation in your t.V. I guess if we are all fucked it matters little what you do...but sure the bohemian life can get tiring.

ron4164

Ponchatoula, LA

January 2007

AUG 30, 2008 11:49 PM

Hang in there sweetie.

Skoosh

HOPEFUL

New Orleans, LA

OCT 21, 2008 03:09 PM

Immaturity is forgiveable. Think of it as being incomplete inside. You're finding your way and you've got friends on here who would never sell you out for a piece of ass. Remember that.