Two nights before I started my new job, I dreamt I was pregnant. I decided to keep it, and was happy.

So ... that's something new.

Last night, I dreamt I met up with my ex to say hello. Later on I noticed his new baby was bundled up on the floor and crying, and thus I was introduced to his son for the first time. His baby son and I conversed only in Italian. I told his father I was impressed that his baby was so smart.

I think, in the dream, I was upset that he'd gone and married someone else. But in real life, I'm not.

my ex had a son recently. i know this because he posted a video of him on flickr, taking his first shit.

what is wrong with people.

sometimes it's not too bad being myself. i just won a writer-in-residence contract to write travel articles about SF. not bad.

next, i want to win a writer-in-residence-of-the-universe contract. and it will award me a bajillion dollars. i will be set for life.



i am going to prime the fuck out of this canvas now. i hope this means i will paint again soon. i missed feeling like this ... i missed feeling young, in a young body.

i want to be sherman alexie.

but i guess i'll have to settle with being myself.

... I found it! Thank fuck. I'm never quite myself without it. (Although I suppose I'm not the only one.)

that night, i thought of everything that had happened.



the old innocence i wanted to hold to me. the newness you brought. the fantasy you promised. the flash of light and flame. the cracking of the earth. the longest fall. the death of all happiness. the bud beneath the ashes of utter destruction. the new path.

her music made me remember it all.

but i think of it always, anyway. there isn't a day when i don't remember certain words, brief glances, the slow sunrise, the line on my hand that splits into two.

the difference is, now her voice belongs to me, also. she sings to me my own truth. a truth apart from yours.

this is how i see myself, in good terms and in bad.



you think i'm being cryptic again but if you ever loved me, you are very familiar with the How and Why, and it is a very clear statement.