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UPDATE: Random venting. I cant wait to go to Hell.
Tired of being broke. Tired of people turning out to be someone else. Im about to put French fries and a fucking weekly metro card on my fucking amazon wishlist. Fuck. Fuck fuck this. at least my agent promises to read everything i've sent her over the labor day weekend..........
You couldve just told me you were gay. Its 2005. Its not that controversial anymore. The straight ones are the weirdoes. Sometimes I think you just want a blowjob queen.
It feels dark. Someone turn a light on. Quick.
Yesterday when I reached for a shot glass from the dish holder thingy an army of roaches marched out. I guess some hatched in the sticky shot glass. Normally I just drink straight out of the bottle. I guess Ill go back to that. Anyway, it was a nightmare come true. It was like that movie Joes Apartment. When I was twelve a roach crawled in my ear and I almost died from it. I was rushed to the hospital with a fever of 105. The doctor stuck something in my ear that looked like a pair of tweezers and pulled the fucker out and showed it to me. Awesome. Being poor is so awesome. Theres always a bigger number of ways to die when youre poor, too. How exciting. I really hope New Orleans is okay. "Civilized behaviour has been suspended." The world is lacking so much grace right now. That city is beautiful, I hope it doesnt drown. I was thinking about all the people who had to sleep in the superdome. I wondered where all those cute homeless street musicians went to. I was fantasizing about being stuck there, in that romantic crumbling city of filth, in that superdome, getting molested by some hot street musician over in a flooded corner next to foldup chairs and bags of pork rhines, not noticing the roaches under my bouncing ass. Yum. Being poor can be awesome sometimes.
****i have a tendency to romanticize extremely fucked up situations. seriously, i hope everything and everyone there gets through this incredible devastation****
I hope my agent contacts me soon. Its frustrating to feel so close to a big break and yet so far away.
Back to work, back to weirdness, back to crumbs of special light.
For those of you who dig it. Heres more from Demonic. Night yall.
***Marhollow***
My door flew open and three guys grabbed me.
Get out, you fucking punk, one said. Devon Pierce, the dumbest jock that ever lived. He always had it in for me. He could come off as straight as he wanted, win all the football games and bang all the young, hot cheerleaders, but his anger for me made him seem like a fag to me. He punched me in the stomach as the others held me up for him. I could hear Jesse screaming but I couldnt see him. A couple of guys had him on the ground on the other side of my car. Devon cupped my chin with his hand to hold my face up.
Such a baby faced punk, he spat in my face. God I wanna fuck you up so bad.
Devon! Clyde called, standing up over Jesse. Jesse wasnt screaming anymore. He wasnt making any sound at all. I wondered if he was even still alive. All I saw were punches aimed at the ground. They didnt take his glasses off before they started beating him in the face, either.
Dont do anything stupid, I want that one awake for everything. I wasnt really struggling at that point. It was five against one now. I didnt want to give them a chance to prove their strength anymore than they already had. I just wanted to know what remained of Jesse on the other side of the car. They pulled him up and held him like a rag doll. I couldnt even see his face. His eyes were swollen lumps of blood. A part of his glasses remained behind his ear. I threw up, my body jerking forward as much as the arms around my chest would permit. Devon punched me in the face.
Devon, stop it. Just tie him up and put him in the car, Clyde directed.
He fucking puked on me.
Get over it, fag, and put him in the van.
They wasted no time. They pushed me down on the ground, face-down in the dirt. Someone kicked me in the ribs to make sure I wouldnt underestimate their power. Someone else had a wad of my hair gripped in his fist. They turned me over and pulled my beanie down over my face so I couldnt see. I felt a hard kick between my legs; the pain was simply indescribable. I started crying. Someone pulled me up on my feet. I heard Jesse sobbing. He was alive; at least for now. The van started up. As they drove us wherever they were taking us, all I could hear were voices. I was still trying to think of a way out of this. I knew them, how evil they were, and I knew at least one of us would die if I didnt do something. They spoke in casual living room voices.
Okay, were not doing this in the van, I just cleaned it the other day, Clyde told someone.
Then where? Someone else asked. I think Devon because he sounded so anxious.
Deckers Farm. Then I heard Jesse scream. It wasnt a reaction to Deckers Farm. They were doing something to him. I was almost glad I couldnt see. Something brushed against my face. It felt like a cloth and it smelled strong of some kind of gas. It made me react and I pressed my feet against the floor, trying to move.
Oh, youre not going anywhere, someone said, chuckling. My balls throbbed. I waited for numbness to set in. I felt like I was going to throw up again. The stench of my own vomit made me sick.
Almost there, sweetheart, someone whispered in my ear. Almost time for the grand finale.
AUG 30, 2005 05:47 PM
AUG 30, 2005 06:29 PM
AUG 30, 2005 06:55 PM
AUG 30, 2005 08:16 PM
Hey awesome lady-that was amazing. And you've got a craft there to bring not only perfect excerpts, but to keep the stride of the tease and cut us off at the perfect time. It makes me care more and appreciate your style more---this is a real treat.
And I love your journal in general. 
It's a lot coming from me. Most people here we talk back and forth so much I don't get the chance to stop and read THEIR writing yet yours makes me stop to rest my chin and laugh. You are a true writer in which case, whichg is a turn on in my world. 
Now what the fuck did you write to me...???!? Oh more to you tho--you have the writing face that I like--a true word romantic. Love that. And yeah, my new roommate, the biker, is from New Orleans. This makes my life hard as he is upset b/c the whole area code is knocked out (including his cell phone) and he said last night "I mean I don't even know if my sister is alive o rdead" and it gives me personal grief as I would never in a lifetime want to recall the 9/11 grief here when my sister couldn''t reach her dad (my step) by cell---a city cop---her physical response was one of a horror I would die before reliving. So Iam praying for NO right now being that a member is here....and I'm scared. I feel like it IS here.
Anyfucknig way yeah, WM3!!! Girl you know it. I know us supporters are wild. If there were more to say at this point I would say we could use an interest group here (clears throat), but it's hard to even think of for me and the grief that overwhelms you. They haven't updated the site in so fucking long I want to know what thestatus is with any appeals, I just want something NEW. I'd like to read his book sort of, I put it on my list for only maybe if someone surprised me, b/c it's not a priority. I don't know if I could handle the grief. I really vomit for those kids. Anyway, I didn't know that OTHER book was there--Pinnacle of the Sun or whatever?
oh btw I'm shocked and impressed your narrator is a MAN--that's awesome/killer/credit to your craft. I forgot something--OH!!! Mallory ripped my head off ove rthe "favorites" so I had to throw everyone back up. 
[Edited on Aug 30, 2005 8:17PM]
AUG 30, 2005 09:42 PM
Oh I'm glad that cheered you...it's weird how this site holds such a purpose for that. If I didn't have the cheer I get from so many certain people, my days would be different. Yes I have my life and my live for reals stuff going on, but when I'm stuck in my house, it's nice to have it full of life as well. So I'm glad I brought a smile on a fucked up day, believe me I feel you, mine is unending. 
If we were closer we'd be fucked up right now!!!! No doubt, fuck i need drinks.
God my NO roomie just informed me that his son was killed in Iraq last year. Can this guy please just get a call from his sister!?!? I can't stand it.
If you can snag msn im, i am haveyourcake@hotmail.com I DID have yahoo--but i need to figure out how to reinstall it i guess one day. i don't know what happened to it.
OH yeah I wish I had a penis sometimes too! AHAHAHA!!! I was just thinking this. A fun stick. So that is cool, yes, to make yourself the man like that.
You are rockin' lady.............
These days better get better quick. Or else. 
AUG 30, 2005 10:05 PM
DUDE there was some sort of roach in my apartment today. I heard they store their eggs on their back so you've gotta flush them down the toilet before they hatch. It was the biggest bug I've seen in a long time. 
AUG 31, 2005 11:35 AM
That's my business suit look. 
In the dungeon office.
Oh my God jets?? The guy is on fire. He's my fave member WITH my favorite member.
AUG 31, 2005 02:10 PM
AUG 31, 2005 09:17 PM
Oh man lady I was so SLOPPY WASTED. I even had to have a fight b/c my evicted roommate's DAD weas here THREATENING me over the deposit and here I am, sucking the dick of a can of Sparks in my lingerie, trying to hold up a serious legal conversation. But I smoked my cigarette with style!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know, I miss Axl more than ever. Did you want to marry him when you were little too??? Oh God I can't even rehash it.
He hasn't heard from anybody, no. He is holding up but I know he is sad. You don't like to see this big of a man upset.
SEP 01, 2005 10:59 AM
its heartbreaking. but whats worse is when you watch the BBC and you see whats REALLY going on. you know, the stuff the foxfuckers wont show us.
and HELL YEA we are gonna rock the world. im working on the lets say, summary? like the inside cover. we need to come up with some main character names, a title and a location.
wish you were closer and i could help more!
and OF COURSE your on my artists list you silly woman! you rock muh world.
SEP 01, 2005 03:23 PM
(appreciates the tight hug//it's perfect)
They do turn out to be half gay don't they? I attract men like that at times. It's b/c I look like a cross btwn Courtney Love and Bette Midler and I'm pretty ferocious, total diva. I do prefer to be perceived as the feminine Stanley Kowalksi however, thank you much. 
So my death-day is in 3 and my NY family is coming for it. I have the option to go back with them....isn't that a tease!?!? I think I might wait b/c it's impulsive and I want to have a tour planned for my next visit. I might be saving myself for a getaway b/c I want to see some buddies in RI--that's long been my love retreat.
How are you today?
I hope well.
SEP 01, 2005 06:51 PM
Oh Lord no, I'm happy to be older!! Fuck yes I would hate to return to that old drama and helplessness, those years? Fuck that. I stand proud in this wheelchair, ahahaaha.
Ahhhh, are you an Oz lady? Good Lord if so. Did you ever see or hear of Ghosts...of the Civil Dead?? It was an 80's prison movie my ex Nick Cave appeared in (his role is EXPLOSIVELY SHOCKING and disturbing), very violent and cold. Well I called this video store asking for it and the conversation with the clerk was sort of to die for. He said he's seen it and wasn't impressed andI was so upset! The part that was deadly was I kept badgering him with "What, you don't like prison stuff like with all those guys, no?" I think he thought I wasa phone freak, probably touching myself and doing this on purpose but I really was just being an idiot (myself! just that the prisons get me frisky!!!!).
I would love to hear some Kanye!!! I believe I heard Jesus Walks but I'm just fascinated by him. Download some for me!! I know my neighbors would appreciate it if I'd start playing more of their music. I know they prolly hate what I'm always blaring.
Be good dear....have a goodie.
SEP 01, 2005 08:42 PM
ME TOO!!! I CANNOT listen to music UNLESS IT IS DIRT SEXY!!!!!!!!! It HAS to be sexy. I will NOT tolerate less. No patience!!!
oooooooh new picture!!! I'll keep my paws crossed!
Oh man when I think of Oz sexiness I think of when the former 80's soap sweetheart Brian Bloom was on and Stabler from Law & Order, that sexy fuck, twisted and broke his neck while he was giving him a blow job Oh my God it just makes me feel so dirty!!!!!!!!
Yeah I'll send you my address if you want to send me a cd or love letter!!!
[Edited on Sep 01, 2005 8:43PM]
SEP 01, 2005 08:46 PM
SEP 02, 2005 12:41 AM
I have heard that exact same roach egg story. Naaaaasty shit. But yes, your plan sounds fabulous. Although I haven't been able to run free in the wild with piercing yet. I still just watch an observe mainly. Although I did pierce a couple of tongues the other night. Very interesting feeling......
my eyes are falling out! 
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