"Hi beautiful,thank u for your friendship request"

"you are soft and warm. you make good coffee. OH and you spent hours looking at my face in the printmaking lab as you immortalized me in ink."

"I've touched your puss in the bathtub.
The duck saw everything."

"Here's a proper testimonial:

I can testify as to how horrible her sundaes are.
I can testify as to what she looks like directly upon waking.

And

I can testify as to what her choch tastes like."

"I would like to testify that Jane is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Ever. Anywhere."