Shred your safety nets of illusion! Irresponsibility, the infantile monster, is still nursing on a gash in the throat of these backwards circumstances.

My family's dog is in crisis-- his back legs won't move. He's in the emergency vet and I am hoping, hoping for the best.

My great uncle -- or however these family trees go -- just passed away. He's not someone I was particularly close to, I haven't seen him in a long time, but I hate to know that other people I love are hurting.

Two years ago today, someone very very close to me was shot and killed. Those who know me or follow my blog probably know all about this. Tomorrow is a gift, not a promise. Resolve your differences. Share your love. Move forward and don't look back.

I am going to go sit on my bed and talk to my cat.

I would like to erase this weekend, but -- what else is new? -- I've got impossible desires.

An unforgiving light has been illuminating the truth; the faults and flaws and problems festering in those around me have been displayed in glaring fluorescents. It's not flattering. I'm not impressed.

Nothing has gone well but I know that what's gone wrong could be worse. It can always be worse. I hope it doesn't get any worse.

It's hard to pinpoint why my skin is crawling. It's noon, it's Monday, and my skin hurts like there are millipedes creeping through layers of my flesh, with their ugly, sharp feet leaving tiny and angry blisters too deep to scratch. My stomach is in the kind of knots I don't know how to untie, the kind of knots that usually require the rope to be cut, the kind of knots that are tied to last forever. My eyelids are heavy. My breath is short. My lungs are uninterested in this shit, and they don't want to cooperate.

It's invasion, maybe-- that feeling of everyone being closer than they ought to be, the feeling of having no safe zone, knowing that there isn't an easy way out, knowing that people want to let themselves in.

It's protection, maybe -- reminding myself that no matter how much they think they know, they don't know anything important about me, consoling myself with the knowledge that I've never betrayed my secrets, that I've got stories they'll never get to hear, that I've got skeletons in my closet that I don't have to let out.

It's discontent, maybe -- knowing that this isn't what I want, this isn't the world I want.



I almost want to break, I almost want to snap just to show someone, anyone, that there's only so much I can tolerate... to show that I've got respect for myself and I don't have to be what you want me to be, I don't have to be who you think I should be, I don't have to take care of you anymore, I don't have to provide for anyone...


And fuck... I get these letters, these thank yous, these I love yous, these I haven't/won't/will never forget yous, and I get these things like you're the only one who I can talk to and I know it's been a long time, but I need you now...
But you don't need me, and you really should forget me, and stop thanking me, and don't kid yourself, I never loved you.

No, I'm not that type, I try to give and of course I care, but I'm not holding anyone deep in my heart in any romanticized dream of eternity. I'm over everyone I've ever been with and I don't want to be a light in your sky.

I'm trying to do it differently this time, I'm trying to treat this one like a lady, I'm trying to not act like the dog I can be, but I don't know who I am if I'm not, at least sometimes, a fucked up woman. I've got a lasso around Venus and I want to pull her in and give her to you, but I'm stretched like a belt of asteroids, stretched like a cosmic rubber band, I've extended my body the length of the solar system and I've still got one foot planted on Neptune.

It's dark and it's blue and it's all delusion and fantasy and the fog of enchantment and deception. It's home sweet home and it's where I belong; this train doesn't run on the tracks that you see, and it doesn't stop at the crossings. Hitch a ride for awhile, but there's no promise you'll be able to get off in one piece.

I need an eraser.

Summer semester is nearly over
Schoolwork up to my mothafuckin eyeballz

There are certain things you know you're not made for
I know I'm not made for this

And I'm really not made for this HEAT
GOD DAMN!
Humidity!

There are some things that drive me insane:

The instant gratification of texting, the expectations it creates
It takes awhile to break the habit of immediate responses
But I'm getting there, it's getting there

Montréal in summer, it's a love hate kinda thing
The air is so thick, so wet, my chest is caving in
My eyes are practically sweating
Even the cold water is warm

There are some things that amuse me:

My cat's response to heat,
I'm sorry, my little one, I'm sorry you're uncomfortable
But your cool-off contortions are comical

Sandals
And how everyone wears them
And suddenly every girl has perfectly painted toe-nails in crazy colors
And I know you girls had ugly feet a month ago


There are some things that exhaust me:
Work, working a lot, working weird hours, doing more than I get paid for
School, school is intense, studying shit that isn't worth as much as I pay for



I started a series of paintings
But I ran out of canvas... I ran out of time... I ran out of the blue paint I was mixing
I wrote the skeletons of many songs
And I'd like to work on them with someone, but I haven't the faintest idea who

This summer..
I'm going to Vancouver, I think. I hope. I've got my credit card paid off and my eyes open for a good sale on tickets.
I'm planning on playing softball on Sundays, if the games come together at all...
I'm going to work my ass off so I can work less in the fall semester
I've actually dedicated time to my school work and gotten things completed in advance

I'm kinda delirious
Probably getting heat stroke
Gotta go to work

Ah right, we're talking mad words, crazy words, none of this is real, I bet... I'm no magician, you're no star, but I like this bubble, I like your fog. And then it's, oh lover, save yourself! Who warned you I can't behave myself? I am true in the heart but I tend to wander, and you're deep in my head but my thoughts, they still wander. My feet they keep moving even if they're in cement, I'll find a road, find a path, find a driver-- I forget what I say, but I mean it that day-- and I'm here, but I'm gone, I'm already in flight - my wallet is empty and my bank account's dry -- meet me out there, lover, or get away now... Come see me there, lover, far away from this town.


I think I've outgrown this...

It's easy to want everyone to listen
It's easy to wish them all deaf
It's not easy to get them to listen
It's not easy to listen when you are deaf

(Her words float like lullabies
They hum me to sleep
And I sleep
And I sleep

I'm Sleeping Beauty
under this mask
I might be pretty
under this mask

She's not so pretty
so she wears a mask
and she can't sleep
I can't sleep
I need sleep
I cant sleep)


I think I've outgrown this
And I can't remember what made it
feel so good
I think I've outgrown this
I don't remember
what it is to feel good

I think I've grown too cold
to pretend I feel pleasure
I think I've grown too old
to pretend


(These are dreamscapes,
only worlds away,
Nighttime visits
daytime stays



I am dreaming
I am awake)

Ciao loves...

Sunday Morning Coming Down is in review. I'm not really into promoting it, as much as I like the trueness of it. Makeup is like warpaint, I don't like to wear much unless I'm feeling weak.

This is an interesting time. I've been feeling trapped and suffocated by my own choices but I've figured out what's wrong, and I'm going to turn my world upside down and improve my situation.

It's this terrible fear of commitment coupled with a hesitant but driving need to be needed; it's my intense Wanderlust but desire to create a home for everyone else; it's my nightmares; it's my intolerance of the weakness in others.

I told a friend the other day, that I take such comfort in knowing my struggles are not unique. I am not the only one that battles what I battle; I am not the only one who has endured what I've endured. Despite any amount of hardship, with strength, with composure, it is possible to persevere.

Life weighs on my mind. It's so fleeting, it's so precious, it's so difficult but so lovely. I've lost so many people I've cared about-- drugs, booze, shootings, strangulation/bludgeoning, accidents, arson, suicide, illness. And sometimes when I tell people the things I've seen or the things I've been through, they tell me they don't know how I'm alright. But I am alright. I've always been alright. Everyone can be alright... Nothing can hurt you unless you let it.

Yesterday doesn't dictate tomorrow. Trauma requires recovery, but these horrible things are only momentary; it is our emotions that continue to rage. Pull them in. Hold them close. Let them sleep curled against your chest like angels. Free them when you can keep them contained- let them fly around your room and scream into your pillow at night. Teach them how to serve you properly. Tame them.

I must choose to not indulge my maladaptations, my perpetual discontent. These are cracks in the foundation of character. Learn from your mistakes, woman, and build an impenetrable fortress around your honor. Be what you wish others would be. Lock your heart away. Give someone the spare key. Hold your head high and face your enemies like they are your friends.



There is a woman in my life who I've let come in that little door at the back of my neck. I've let her sink into my thoughts, I've let her open up my mind, I've let her take a bulldozer to the walls I've so carefully constructed. I should be afraid, but I'm not.

It's super beautiful out right now... I didn't go to class tonight because my stupid allergies are killing me and it feels like my head is in vice...
Still, I am greatly enjoying this moment...

The sun is going down but the sky is still blue. The gray clouds from this morning have been swept to the south, clusters of spring green leaves have finally appeared on the trees. I'm listening to Emiliana Torrini, sitting in the doorway to my balcony, and my brain is racing but I feel peace for the first time in weeks.

I think, I hope, I maybe, maybe, maybe have figured out what to do next.

xx


J

I have a new set in member review...
Sunday Morning Coming Down

Give it a look if you haven't yet

I have 27 days in a row with school, work, or a major obligation of some sort... Read: I have a solid month without a single scheduled real day off. THEN I get one day (hopefully) and then this starts again it seems?!?!?! This is why you're not hearing much from me in this blog.

Someone sent me a link to this music video by Austra. I don't really like the video, nor did I love the song (mostly it's just the drums that aren't my thing), but I am totally blown away by the chick's voice. It's called "Lose It."

My cat remains the highlight of all my days. I hurt my ankle a few days ago (I have no clue what I did) so I came home from work a little early last night to ice it and do some drawing and kitty just sat on my notebooks and stared at my pencil... THEN she attacked her tail. Over and over, and was so confused: "Why does attacking this random furry black thing hurt me?!?!?!" Lovelovelove.

Tomorrow is housewarming shindig. It should be fun. Perhaps me and house-sharer, we have too many friends.

But hey. There is totally a BBQ in my living room, in a box.

Tonight, a woman came into my work and told me "I hate your graffiti body."

This, without provocation. Really? I'd been listening to her talk... she was spitting bitterness over her ex-husband's marriage to a new woman. Gross.

(Dear Females, other women are not your enemies)

(Dear people who have no interest in body art/tattoos/piercings/etc: Some of us choose to make permanent changes to our physical selves. Tread carefully with your criticism)

So, what? I moved. Indeed. I'm working on making my room awesome. I have barely had anytime to do that. Work, school, work, pretending I have a social life... I like decorating. Picking paint colors and curtains and hanging paintings... I hate unpacking, though, unless I've got somewhere to put things. I guess one can not really unpack if there isn't anywhere to put the unpacked things, eh...

I've had a roller coaster week. I wish I could just be a lover, never a fighter, but I can turn it all on, turn it all off. I forget to feel sometimes. Other times, I feel too much.

Whatever. I'm starting new projects. I need to go draw. I should organize things, but I need to get into a zone... There is nothing better than getting lost in some music and creating...

Some songs I've been really diggin' the last few weeks... as usual, spanning genres and eras..
Jim Bianco "To Hell With the Devil"
Lucas Silveira's version of "I'm Your Man"
The Love Me Nots "You're Really Something"
4 Non Blondes "Pleasantly Blue"
Iron On "Sidewalk"
Holly Golightly "Walk a Mile"
Bessie Smith "Backwater Blues"
Legendary Shack Shakers "Help Me"