SuicideGirl: Flux
suicidegirl

Flux Fi φ fo flux.

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JULY 13, 2011 @ 07:18 AM


Some of you will appreciate that the new running joke among multiple groups of friends is that my life is an elaborate falsehood crafted around the pivotal supposition that I am lying about having read Finnegans Wake.

No, I don't know how that works, either.

Anyway, I had a luscious grassfed beef heart for dinner last night from my local CSA, which I shared with a friend whom I've known since age 10 or so...meaning that he knew me when I was an awkward, unattractive nerdy kid with severe social dysfunction. And there we were, sharing the circulatory organ of a cow oh so many years later, still awkward nerds with social issues. That's been one of the most pleasant things about moving back to my hometown, for all its flaws: the ability to renew all those old friendships and to relive old times.

A lot of what we did was gossip...who's married, who's had an insane number of kids, who's failing miserably, who is triumphant. I wonder what they say about me when I'm not around...the punk rock poet laureate and nerd seductress who had so much potential to squander, who traveled wide only to come back home, who's done everything and nothing all at once. Who finds herself ten years later living in a studio apartment in intown with a chest freezer full of organ meat, a decent bit of savings, a good job, and big ol' plans.

Big ol' plans, like always. Not really existing in the "someday" because everything is immediate. The pursuit of eudaemonia. Excellence and glory.

That's what it's about, really. Ever fucking upward.

So says the awkward, attractive nerdy kid with mild social dysfunction, who has read Finnegans Wake, damn it.

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Comments
g_whiz

g_whiz

Hollywood, FL
October 2004

JUL 13, 2011 07:24 AM

Em.. Sing it Sister!

tubaart

tubaart

Fulton, MO
November 2004

JUL 13, 2011 07:28 AM

A chest freezer full of organ meat? Sounds like it's time to make some haggis! YUMM!!! smile

radiox

radiox

I'm lost
February 2011

JUL 13, 2011 07:50 AM

I managed to understand half of that.

kthxbi

kthxbi

Gulf Breeze, FL
November 2006

JUL 13, 2011 07:54 AM

seriously, please write your blogs on a 8th grade level. ooo aaa

Ticktockman

Ticktockman

Durham, NC
April 2006

JUL 13, 2011 08:08 AM

I've read several paragraphs of Finnegan's Wake and find that to be quite enough. I'm much more interested in a portrait of the punk rock poet laureate and nerd seductress as a young, awkward, unattractive nerdy kid with severe social dysfunction.

-TTm

Smaptie

Smaptie

Chico, CA
March 2005

JUL 13, 2011 08:40 AM

I don't think Joyce has finished reading Finnegans Wake. I just read it for the quarks.

baudot

baudot

Oakland, CA
February 2004

JUL 13, 2011 08:53 AM

Our lives are so very opposite this year. You're saving - I'm pouring mine into a likely unprofitable venture. You're a paleo advocate, I'm still veg. You've returned to Southern roots, I'm still loving The Bay. We're overdue for a proper catch up. Geography's a bitch.

longlostsapper

longlostsapper

Sandusky, OH
January 2010

JUL 13, 2011 09:18 AM

Its strange most of my real close friends are from only the last maybe eight years people from school not so much, its interesting who comes and goes and the ones that stick around, the two closest friends I will ever have I've only known about 5 years

mkayal

mkayal

USA
October 2010

JUL 13, 2011 09:32 AM

it's hard to prove someone's read finnegans wake, I read the first couple pages and I don't even remember what those were about.

Nef

Nef

Cleveland, OH
July 2011

JUL 13, 2011 10:08 AM

I think I will read everything you have ever written that is at my disposal today. Yes, this sounds like a task I am up to.

Vanceowen

Vanceowen

Thousand Oaks, CA
September 2006

JUL 13, 2011 10:25 AM

I am.so pretentious I named a dog I found on the streets of SFV Finnegan. And i use the book as my primary proof that Joyce is a stream-of-consciousness writer. Which shows how foolish I am.

jonnytrrrash7

jonnytrrrash7

Vatican City
February 2004

JUL 13, 2011 10:37 AM

Finnegan's Wake sits on my bookshelf, still taunting me after all these years. i've never been able to get past the first 5 pages. I had a friend named Jim who came bursting into my workplace one day, demanding I randomly open the copy of Wake he was carrying and start reading aloud. Pretty sure he was tripping.

Stiles

Stiles

Philadelphia, PA
November 2002

JUL 13, 2011 11:24 AM

A fine journal entry; I approve of this message.

ericwine

ericwine

Charlotte Hall, MD
January 2007

JUL 13, 2011 01:06 PM

I take it organ meats are part of the paleo diet you mentioned? I hear "organ meat", think "liver" and go bleecchhh! ... how does heart taste? And don't say "like chicken". tongue
Reading Finnegan's Wake is one of those things on my "to do" list that I somehow never get to. Which makes me wonder what my library card is for... whatever I guess that makes me the awkward UNattractive nerdy kid with social dysfunction who hasn't read it, dammit. biggrin
Onward and upward for you!

Waldo_Jeffers

Waldo_Jeffers

United Kingdom
OLD SKOOL

JUL 13, 2011 01:48 PM

After I read your opening paragraph, the words "Winnegan's Fake" popped into my head. This struck me as completely hilarious, so much so that I felt compelled to write it here. However, even as I write this, it is beginning to dawn on me that "Winnegan's Fake" is not really all that amusing after all. However, some kind of strange momentum is compelling me to continue typing my unfunny joke much in the way that, once one has begun to take a step foward and having, at the last minute, perceived an obstacle, one is often unable to voluntarily arrest one's motion.

On another note, have you ever read anything by Dostoyevsky? I recently 'discovered' his writings when I came across a single volume edition of "Notes From Underground" and "The Double". Since then I have read "The Idiot".

"Notes From Underground" is more of a treatise than a work of fiction. It mostly contains musings on the human condition.

Philosophers (well some philosophers) and other scholarly types in general have tended at times to try to base their ideas concerning morality, politics, intentionality etc upon theories of human nature, making the assumption that humans are 'rational agents' and that, if only we could teach people to see which things are in their best interests, then everyone would behave rationally. Conveniently enough, behaviours which we think of as 'good' happen would come under the category of rational behaviours while behaviours which we think of as 'bad' would come under the category of irrational behaviours. Hence questions of morality, politics etc would neatly translate into questions of practical rationality. Once one goes down this route, one may even go so far as to suggest that, given enough data about the world and about which things are in the best interest of people, then it would be possible to reduce human nature and the study of morality, politics etc to a set of equations thus allowing law, government etc to be conducted along precise and scientifc lines.

Dostoyevsky's "Notes From Underground" was written as a challenge to this sort of point of view. He believes that humans often dont always act in their best interest, or to their "advantage" (to use the word used by Dostoyevsky, or rather the word used by the person who translated my copy of "Notes From Underground") and this is because, even when one has calculated and quanitified all of the known human advantages ("wealth, freedom, peace and so on), there remains one "abstruse advantage" which "doesn't fit into any classification, or cannot be accommodated in any list...".

Dostoyevsky states, by way of expanation, that we all know of someone who will "...expound to you, lucidly and grandiloquently, exactly how he should proceed according to laws of truth and logic..." and except that "...exactly a quarter of an hour later, without any sudden, outside mediation, but rather prompted by some inner impulse which is stronger than all his interests, he'll take a completely different tack, that is to say, he'll blatantly go against what he was just saying: against the laws of reason and against his own best interests - in short against everything...".

Dostoyevsky argues that, "...doesn't there exist...something that is dearer to almost everyone than his own very best interests or (not to violate logic) there exists one most advantageous advantage ... which is more important and advantageous that any other advantage and for the sake of which man ... is ready to oppose all laws, that is, reason, honour, peace, prosperity ... provided he attains this primary, most advantageous advantage which is dearest of all to him?" Dostoyevsky goes on to argue that the one advantage which outweighs all of the others, and which does not fit in, is the ability to believe that one is acting as a free agent. For Dostoyevsky, once we have "deduced your whole register of human advantages by taking averages from statistics and scientifico-economic formulae...", if we, "...do in fact discover one day a formula for all our desires and caprices - that is, what they depend on, exactly from what laws they originate ... and so on, that's to say a real mathematical formula, then man would immediatly change from a man into an organ stop or something like that...". Dostoyevsky's argument is that humans, knowing full well what course of action is to their best advantage, will assert their sense of free will by taking a course of action which is apparently disadvantageous, thus proving to themself that they are not an organ stop (or equivalent).

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