Wow...I spew emotional diarrhea everywhere and it manages to rake in the most comments out of any journal entry so far. Freakin' A.

Today is my first day back "on the job" in a month. I had to videotape bridal coverage at the Best & Co. salon and spa for about an hour and a half...I still don't know why brides want footage of them pre-hair and makeup when everyone looks like shit. Plus, watching the process is excruciatingly boring.

In about 45 minutes I have to go to the ceremony with my co-worker, Mike Wyant, whom I've never actually met before. I usually just work with my brother Brian, who is also the owner of the business. My sister Kathy is his secretary. Yeah, we like to keep everything in the family I guess. Um, except for sex. From what I can tell my family is very horny but we save that for our significant others who consequently are not related to us. I just like to throw that out there because I come from a small town where rumors about inbreeding being encouraged are rampant in neighboring areas that are not rural.

I just made some Dunkin' Donuts coffee but it tastes like shit. I think the real Dunkin' Donuts' add some special ingredient to their coffee that makes it extremely addictive. It's probably the cream, actually...have you ever seen them squirt that shit into the coffee? It''s thick as hell, it must be loaded with fat and calories. Mmmmm. Fat and calories.

OMG I got the third InuYasha movie yesterday and watched it as soon as I got hom from the mall and HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE THE BEST ONE YET. I was uber excited because I was under the impression that it would not be arriving in the US until September 6th. You can imagine my excitement when I discovered THE LAST ONE sitting on a shelf all by its lonesome.

I got my hair cut at the mall....hmm, I'm not sure if I like it, it's still too long in the back. I will take pictures eventually and post them for everyone's amusement.

Oh yeah, I made up the best joke ever the other day.

Q: What did the one penis say to the other penis?
A: Nothing; penises can't talk, stupid.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone.

Attention K-Mart shoppers. Due to the irrevocable and unfortunate fact that I am PMSing like a mother fucker, this will be my first ever SG journal rant. Many of the things I am going to say mean so very little on the grand scheme of things but at this current point in time I don't really care.

I'm sick of certain individuals on AIM crying to me about their problems all the time but never paying attention to a god damn thing I have to say to help them. Don't fucking IM me if you don't want my advice, because I'm going to give it to you whether you like it or not. Don't bitch about not having any friends, but then ignore me every time I ask you to hang out. Don't start blabbing about all this shit that's going on in your life and then conveniently put yourself on away when I want to talk about myself a little bit afterwards. STOP BEING SELFISH. AGH.

And other individuals on AIM are becoming extremely boring to talk to. God, say something, ANYTHING. It doesn't even have to be true...just....fun, or witty, or totally off the wall. I don't care. But don't sit there and barely say anything because it's boring the shit out of me and I hate trying to come up with something to talk about all the time, just to have you ignore it anyway.

I'm also getting sick of people on here sending me vulgar messages. So far, I've had random guys pull these lines:
"If I pay you $1,000 will you get dirty with me for 24 hours?"
"So how does it feel to be a sex icon?"
"I just wanted you to know that you're hot, but I don't want to take the time to get to know you or read your journals because if it turns out you're hot AND have brains, I don't know if I can handle it."

First of all, do you assholes even understand the nature of this site? It's not fucking prostitutes for hire, it's GOD DAMN ART. ART!!!!!!!!!!! And what makes you think I'd want to get down your pants for any amount of money you offered me? Do I automatically come off as a materialistic, money-grubbing cunt to you? Do I seem easy because my tits are being viewed nationwide? Fuck that. Are nude models that pose for art classes automatically easy, too?

And, sex icon? SEX? What sex???? There's no fucking sex here. Just beautiful women posing naked for fun and artistic purposes. God. When the Hell did sex work its way into the equation?

And to the last person...if you aren't willing to experience the whole person for who and what they are on the inside as well as out, you're really missing out and I feel very sorry for you.

And don't tell me what to wear when you ask me to go to dinner with you. You can't force me to wear a fucking dress. I'll come wearing a zoot suit if I want to, cockass!!!!!

And I'm getting soooo sick of dying on Destroy All Humans. Why does this mission have to be such a pain in the ass? STOP BLASTING ME WITH GLOWING GREEN PROJECTILES YOU FUCKING MAJESTICS!!!!!

And why do the marshmallows in cereal always have to go stale before the grain part? God that really busts my hump!!!!

This has concluded my rant. Thank you for shopping at K-Mart.

Sometimes I want my meter to suck ass when I write,
and I want to use words that don't sound as good as if I used other words in their place,
and I want the flow to be really
awkward and overall,
I want everything to be really
difficult
to
follow
Why?
Because sometimes I just don't give a shit and I want my writing to reflect that.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement during my brief period of the blahs. I think the best advice I received (and probably the most obvious), was from Fallen....make a list, duh! I think it's a good idea to plan what you're going to do for the day so that way you don't find yourself scrounging for something to do later on. However, getting the ambition to make the list to begin with is a whole different story...

So, I still haven't accomplished much. I taught myself a few new songs on keyboard (all from the Inu Yasha series, of course) but I can't really do anything with them since the MIDI cable I have requires an adapter to hook into my computer, and I drew some pictures but the power cord to my scanner is missing as well. Fuck, fuck, fuck. In otherwords, there was no point in me mentioning this at all. But I did anyway, and you read it. So ha.

And now I must ask you all to join together again and bestow upon me in your infinite wisdom yet more advice.

I got invited to attend the Chaser event in Las Vegas coming up on the 29th of this month. I don't think I really understood what I was getting myself into when I said yes, but now it's starting to dawn on me just what a scary prospect it is. First of all, I'd like to say I'm really incredibly shy, and I tend to clam up around strangers. So I agree to do a fashion show...well, that was just brilliant. I've never done anything like this before in my life! And I'm really not the kind of person who jumps up in front of everyone and tries to draw attention. In fact, I'm usually the person who stands against the wall all night and watches the action happen. Crap, I hope I'm not the one annoying chick who ruins the whole show.

And this is where I need advice...how do I convince myself to not be nervous and just go with the flow? Is there some superior line of thinking I should follow that will miraculously purge all negative thoughts from my system and transform me into a runway-working machine? Or some sort of recipe for a magical elixer that the half-blood prince wrote down in his potions book somewhere? (Had to work in a Harry Potter reference somewhere.) I finally finished that book and accidentally gave the ending away to Steve, oops.

Have you ever had one of those really blah days for no apparent reason? You wake up, you roll your ass out of bed, and you don't have any obligations persay, but somehow you find it difficult to get up and face the day...and when you do, you keep wishing you could go back to bed? Okay. Have you ever had a bunch of these days in a row? Do you ever finally wake up and think, "Why the Hell do I keep getting out of bed?!"

I've been having a lot of those days lately. I'm in a funk and I can't pull myself out of it. I feel like a zombie that just shuffles through the day at that slow-zombie pace, minus the weird groaning noises and vacant zombie-staring and stuff. Even now I feel like I'm in this fog, it's making it difficult to see things or think clearly. Maybe I'm only dreaming I'm updating my journal right now. MAYBE I'M GOING INSANE.

Maybe I'm just bored. As I've been sifting through various journal entries, I notice there are a lot of busy people. You know, people who actually have something worthwhile going on in their lives, things they can discuss that they actually give a shit about. It's not that I don't have things going on...I just feel like I could be doing more. I only work one day a week for crying out loud. When I'm not working, I surf the net and talk to people online all day, until someone calls me up or messages me with something else better to do. I'm stuck in this time-slick called existence and I feel I'm not doing enough with it while it's right there staring me in the face.

What do YOU do to pull yourself out of this cloud? I'm curious. What does everyone do to keep themselves busy, and more importantly, which of these things really means a lot to you? Exercising? Reading? Yoga? Meditation? Abnormally long bouts of masturbation while watching low-res porn movies you downloaded three years ago off of Kazaa? Please enlighten me. I could use some enlightenment right now.

Thank you all for the delicious comments on the photoset, your input is greatly appreciated and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, either that or someone shoved a hamster up my ass while I was asleep.

I haven't updated in awhile because I was in Philly for two weeks and had limited access to the internet...then I got home and discovered that I can't browse the web on my PC for whatever reason. Fucking A, man. I just can't win.

So...while in Philly, I was officially asked out by Steve aka my good friend/fellow peer at AI/SG photographer. I accepted this proposition and we are now a couple. And there was much rejoicing and moistening of the panties.

The trip brought with it few noteworthy things, none of which anyone but me will give two flying fucks about, but this is my journal, AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY WORD I HAVE TO SAY! (part in caps is a quote from Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer, in case you didn't know already)...

Before the trip, my friend Jim delivered a HUGE-ass bag of fortune cookies that our mutual friend Chris bought. I am talking massive amounts of fortunes here, like, 80...hundred or something. Well, maybe just 80. Either way, I brought the fortune cookies with me, and they came in handy one night when everyone decided to get high. I don't condone pot smoking in any way, but admittedly, it was a lot of fun.

I went to my first karaoke bar with Steve, his roomate Scott, and Scott's girlfriend, Christina. Christina and I sang Like a Virgin and I Touch Myself together, Scott made an attempt to sing a System of a Down song without knowing the song beforehand, and Steve sang nothing until the very end of the night when pretty much everyone that was left in the bar got up and sang Bohemian Rhapsody together. It was fun times, especially because Christina and I were served alcoholic beverages underage, and the bartender totally knew and did not give a shit. I also sang Criminal by Fiona Apple, which was okay, but I was definitely way too stiff and should have gotten into the song more. Well, maybe the next karaoke bar will bring with it a better performance.

The only scary thing about that night was the DJ was kind of creepy. He reminded me of a shorter, goofier version of Snape from Harry Potter. For the last song of the night, he got on the mic and sang a song called "Blow Me"...no, not Kid Rock's version, it was more Frank Sinatra style only the lyrics were soooo dirty and wrong. I found it hilarious, but Steve was holding me quite protectively and urging me not to egg him on, which I of course did anyway. What's Snapey gonna do, put the Imperius curse on me and make me hump his leg in the parking lot after the show? Yeah, that's only funny if you read Harry Potter...so if you don't already, I suggest you go out and buy all the books and start reading them immediately.

I was also introduced to a novel little spot in the universe known as the Grease Trucks. Grease Trucks? What's that? I'll fucking tell you. You know those silver trailor-looking things where you order food from a single vendor, and they generally offer things like burgers and stuff like that? Well, there was a bunch of them all in a collective group, although it seemed as though only two of them are ever open, and both were run by guys who sounded like auctioners with Greek accents. They didn't just ask what you wanted. They'd yell..."Who's next in line?", you'd order your food, and then they'd restate your order out loud to everyone else that was within earshot. They seemed especially excited whenever someone would order a Fat Bitch. They'd say, "Allright, we've got a Bitch, Bitch...Bitch.." maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but that's the impression I got. It was a really entertaining experience. And as you can imagine, it's been dubbed the grease trucks because the food is really bad for you. They put french fries in all of their sandwiches. Weird.

I also went to see Wedding Crashers with Steve and his friend Chris and Chris' girlfriend Stacey. I think that was their names. If you haven't seen it yet, you absolutely must. It's fucking hilarious, and it actually manages to be kind of a chick flick in some ways, but not in ways that would be detrimental to a man's health if he were to view the movie.

I went to a complete stranger's party with Steve, Steve's brother Mark, and Mark's girlfriend, Amanda. We seem to travel in foursomes a lot, and the foursomes are usually comprised of two couples. Anyway, this person had an inground pool, and NOBODY WAS IN IT! There had to be over 20 people there, and nobody was in the pool. Well, Amanda and I fixed that by going in first before anyone else. Then these two other girls I don't know decided to follow suit and came in shortly after we did. I was messing around with Amanda and some other guy Scott in the pool, not the aforementioned Scott however, and accidentally hit one of said girls in the face with a ball. You know, normally I'd feel bad, but she was being kind of a cunt, so, well...fuck her. I still apologized to her, though. She wasn't being mean enough for me to not say sorry, but she was being mean enough for me to not actually feel that bad about it.

The day I got back from Philly, I lost my bus tickets and had to purchase more. What a waste of money. I'm really annoyed because as I was walking to the bus station with Steve, I felt around my back pockets at least twice while we were walking, and the tickets were there. Then low and behold, once we arrived at the bus station, they were totally gone, nowhere to be found. The lady at the help desk was a real bitch. I asked if the tickets could be reprinted since I had my ID and all my information was probably already on file, and she said, "No. Next in line!" She didn't even make an attempt to see if there was a loophole somewhere that would allow her to help me in my unfortunate situation. Fuck you, help desk lady!

Tonight I went to the diner with a wedding photographer that I work with on occassion aka Bud. We went on his motorcycle, which wasn't too bad, but I had this ominous premonition that we were going to die. I think it's in part because before he picked me up, he told me that he's working on a book about different ways he and his friends are going to die. I thought us getting killed on a motorcycle could be one of them, especially when a deer almost ran right out in front of us.

If anyone has actually read this far, I commend you for having an amazing attention span. If I was a stranger, I would not have read this journal entry this far. In fact, after the third paragraph I would have been like, "fuck it." and moved on.

Must get sleep now. Thank you all again for not throwing cyber tomatoes at me once my set went up. Cyber tomatoes. What the fuck am I thinking. Goodnight.

Ember, here, reporting to you live from central Philadelphia. Today's weather, 82 degrees under partially cloudy skies. Yesterday's weather: HOT AS FUCK AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T DIE. Actually yesterday was the hottest day in Philadelphia ever, apparently. And then all these crazy clouds came in and fucked our shit up. Winds knocked over a crap load of boats and the rain came down in sheets AS THICK AS MCDONALD'S MILKSHAKES!!!! AHHH! CHAOS AND DISARRAY AND THE GIANT COCK OF HEAVEN JERKED ITSELF OFF AND SPEWED ITS MAN MILK ALL OVER US IN ONE VIOLENT SPASM OF ORGASMIC FURY...actually it wasn't so bad, but it started raining after I left the movie theatre yesterday and I got wet due to lack of umbrella.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was better than I thought it would be, but since some of you haven't seen it yet and may plan to do so in the semi-near future, I won't ruin it for you. Except for the part where everyone dies in the end. Just kidding.

Sean and I were talking about the meaning of life the other day, or should I say the lack thereof. We came to the conclusion that there is no point to life, and that religion is a copout way for us to justify our existence; it's the idea of paradise after death that keeps us from slowly driving ourselves insane at the thought of dying, except I haven't bought into this idea and I'm not insane yet ....OR AM I???

And once we agreed on that, we tried to figure out what the point of love is. I think we both agreed that love is just another distraction, a way to keep us from thinking about our inevitable demise. But then I think we also agreed that perhaps people truly are capable of loving something whole-heartedly (whatever that's supposed to mean), it's just not in the way you'd expect. Love should not be about obsession, or the constant feeling of anxiety and insecurity when our significant other isn't around. Love isn't about feeling like you absolutely NEED that person in your life to feel happy. Love shouldn't be like a drug, as Sean put it. Falling in love should be approached more rationally; people are emotionally driven by nature, and that's what screws us up in the end. Following your heart may indeed not be the best thing to do in the beginning...the concept of "love at first sight" is significantly flawed. Appreciating someone for how they look is not the way to go. We're all going to be old and ugly eventually anyway, so who gives a fuck about that? I think the perfect love is just having an overall appreciation for someone as a person; it's not falling at that person's feet whenever they look at you a certain way or melting into a puddle when they touch you. Love should be about respect and communication. You know, I think people who are really in love wouldn't even need to physically touch each other or have sex. After all, the body is merely a shell for the mind..our body is not who we are, our minds and souls are who we are. People are too quick to let physical comfort rule their lives. I think maybe that's why I get annoyed when I see couples that do nothing but drool all over each other all day. That's great and all, but outside from the realm of physical attraction, what do they have? And I'm not saying I'm not guilty of liking physical pleasures, I'm a big fan of touching and cuddling, but you know, lately I wonder if that's enough.

My rat Archimedes died the other day, His balls were huge. He and his balls will be missed.

Squishy isn't doing so hot either. The trap that had a cricket in it developed a black spot, which started spreading. So I had to cut the trap off. And then I think I left her in the sun for too long because her stems are all flopped over and wilty. Why does shit all have to start dying at the same time?

Behold, my first ever journal entry on SG! And I realize I have no fucking clue what to say so I guess I'll just introduce myself and say a little bit about what attracted to me to SG in the first place.

I grew up in a really small farming community in central New York. Moo! Yeah, the ratio of cows to people in this place is overwhelming...and as such I haven't really gotten much exposure to people, or should I say people who have all their teeth intact and don't say "Get 'er done!" like it's their job. I was a loner in school and the cool kids used to pick on me because I didn't really follow the latest trends or go out of my way to make myself known. I actually remember this one cunt Mindy who used to harass me about my makeup and my clothes...man would I like to punch her in the face, Dane Cook style. By the time I got to high school, the only friend I had moved to a distant town so I was pretty much on my own from then on. I fell into a state of depression and started skipping my classes like a mother fucker to sit in the stairwell and write...it's amazing how much easier thoughts come to you when you hate everything and want to see everyone die slow, painful deaths. I got referred to a counselor but that lasted about one visit before I said, "Fuck this" and stopped going. By my senior year, I'd had a lot of time to think about things and realized it's pointless letting people get to you, especially assholes who think they're hot shit but in reality, they're all just scared little bastards who have no faith in themselves and choose to view life through a little crack in the wall of their dark, shut-up minds.

I'm now attending the Art Institute of Philadelphia to be an animator...my ultimate goal is to work for Pixar someday, if they're still in good shape by then. Philly and Cato (the town I live in) are definitely at opposite ends of the spectrum...you go from cows and cornfields one moment to hobos and concrete the next. The cows are a lot nicer to you than the hobos though...some guy actually tried spitting on me awhile back because I wouldn't give him change. Yeah, that's really gonna tug at my heart strings and make me pity you, buddy.

While I'm at school I hope to discover more about what I want out of life and act accordingly. I took the summer quarter off and have just been sitting around on my ass watching flash animations and thinking, "I'm gonna do something like that eventually..." and then never get around to it.

Oh, I'm working for my brother as a wedding videographer part-time, I've been doing it since I was 16. I've seen so many people get married that the whole idea of marriage is totally ruined for me. Honestly I wasn't a big fan of it before, but now I can't fucking stand it. In the unlikely event that I get married, I want it to be on an old ship out in the ocean somewhere, and all of my guests will be dressed in the style of the day, and then fucking pirates are gonna come out of nowhere and try to stop the wedding. My husband-to-be will of course whip out his rapier and mop the floor with the pirates' asses and then the ceremony will pick up where it left off. And the best part is, my guests will not know about the pirates beforehand. You know, even if I never get married I think I'll have a fake marriage just so I can see a bunch of people dressed like pirates. Pirates rock.

And now onto the beauty and allure of SG...it's funny because my boyfriend at the time is the one who introduced me to SG, and it was quite by accident. He was actually trying to hide it from me because he was afraid of what I'd think if I caught him looking at naked girls. I found the most recent SG book hidden under his bed one day and...I don't even know if words can describe how I felt as I was turning the pages. It was love at first sight. God damn it everyone was so fucking pretty I wanted to gouge my eyes out with safety pins and offer my soul to Satan. I immediately becamed a member of the site and later gave some thought to applying as a model. My boyfriend seemed pretty keen on the idea and took the first photos I used to apply. He and I have gone our seperate ways since then, but Ryan, if you're reading this, thank you for helping my dream to become a part of SG become a reality.

Yesterday I bought a venus' flytrap and named it Squishy. I've never seen a flytrap in real life before...I sorta had this vision of it violently ensnaring bugs and shit but nah, it just kinda sits there looking like a pussy with teeth...I fed it a cricket today though, but it would have been cooler if the cricket wasn't already dead...

That's all for now. Oh, and the photographer for my first photoset's name is Steve, I met him in one of my classes at school back in February or March or something like that...he's the most amazing guy ever and I miss him terribly now that I'm at home for summer and he's back at school doing the responsible student thing. Stephen with a PH, I will see your sexy ass in 10 days and counting.