you want to know if i am doing a movie.
you mean like an SG video? well, sixsixty made me one, and spooky showed it to me just last week though i'm not sure when it is going to be posted. he really did a good job on what little material i had given on tape.
the only thing is, i don't like the way i am acting in the video, i'm sort of acting like a tweeker, because i was pretty nervous. It was one of the first times i had ever been around spooky and here he is with this camera in my face asking me all these questions that i can't even begin to answer intelligently, because i'm too busy thinking about how scared i am that i will come across like an idiot. and low and behold, i come across like an idiot, and am fidgeting and acting like the fucking rainman the whole time. so. yeah there's a movie, but i'm hoping to make a better one when i shoot my new sets this weekend.

if you give me a job, i'll give you a cookie.

Today fucking blows.

I was scheduled to go shoot for the site today. Spooky and I were going to go shopping this morning.
But I just couldn't get to sleep last night and was pretty thrashed when I woke up this morning.
So now i'm trying to figure out to do with this bag of ass dreary crappy Sunday.
My homeboy went out of town and left his 74 dodge dart in my possession for the weekend. I've been cruising around town enjoying the badass chick in a badass car aesthetic. It's always interrupted when the engine quits at a stop light and everyone honks at me as I go through the motions to get it started again.
Today I had a bitch of a time trying to parallel park in front of Rocco's pizza whilst a gaggle of cute boys stared at me wondering why the fuck it was taking me twenty years to park my car. Maybe they weren't staring at all, maybe they didn't even notice me at all, and maybe I'm just self absorbed. I wish I was with it enough to buy a cool old car. I can't even save enough money each week to be able to do my laundry.
I decided it was in my best interests not to move back to California. Sorry SF, it just wasn't in the cards this summer. I'm going to be trying to put a collective zine together soon. I know you'll all buy a copy and read it.
Tell your friends.

i can't believe they posted a set with a guitar.
i'm going to rock my guitar in a set i think pretty soon, though it will be acoustic. I can rock my acoustic like it was electric anyhow.
last night Jolene and I got pretty boozy and scaled the side of a building to infiltrate an abandoned hotel. It was like goonies, only not as good.

what a joy it is to take a day and appreciate my independence from those dastardly British.

Yes Lola, burritos are delicious.

lonely and bored.
bored and lonely.

Foxy boxing was so much worse than I could have imagined it to be. The good lads at Thrasher had written me a letter beforehand, commenting on my last journal entry. They told me that it wouldn't be degrading, and it was just fun and games, and not to do it if i thought it was going to be a bad idea. I declined, thank fucking god. So yeah, I get naked on the internet, my moral fiber is already pretty questionable. But dude, Foxy Boxing was like a fucking H.P. Lovecraft Novel. It was the creepiest most insensitive shit i've ever seen. The girls weren't the problem. The problem was the announcers ripping on the girls, criticizing their bodies, the crowd chanting "boobs" and of course i had to have seen a strippers asshole by the end of the night. I don't like when people are yelling "show me your tits you fucking slut" at one of my best friends. Anyhow, Fuck you Thrasher presents, fuck you KUFO, and fuck all you sexually frustrated 18 year old meatheads. Just be glad it wasn't me up there, I would have jumped out of the ring and scalped you, and fed you your testicles.
Other than that things haven't been so bad in the last day and a half, i got belligerently drunk last night and made an ass out of myself. And there was afro-cuban jazz playing outside my window when i woke up this morning.
Jayne and Chloe are two of the sweetest gals ever.

P.S. thankyou to Spooky for laying down the law about the whole thing. You rock.

Maybe it's time for me to stop the bitching. The tyrade about the boxing thing was a little melodramatic. I just get stoned at think about things too hard. I'm still probably not going to do it because i would probably have an anxiety attack and puke all over the place. That wouldn't be too sexy. But I feel bad because i made it seem like people are trying to objectify me and i don't get that impression at all. Hey I like to see hot chicks dukin' it out as much as the next guy.
Don't take me seriously, i'm just a malcontent. I'm like, the discontent suicide girl. You know how we all have these little personas. Like Six and Jetta are badasses, and Kendra and like, i don't know, Andie or something are like the good girls. Claudia is smart, Jolene, fuck I don't know what to say about that bitch. (wink wink) Maybe i'm totally off. But i'm just the whiny mal-content shit talking suicidegirl. Anyone who has me listed on their favorite girl is also a whiny neurotic malcontent. I like to think of myself as the Holden Caulfield of internet porn models. (if you will.). Apparantely a lot of folks read these journals, more everyday even. I should be talking about animal rights or trying to take over the world or something.
I just can't wait to do a new set, though it will probably be my last. I have only gotten like half of the pictures posted from my last shoot which was taken like 4 months ago. So i don't know. I feel like i misrepresented myself in my last sets. I didn't do anything great. I didn't even dress in anything i especially liked. I've got some stuff up my sleeve that is a little bit more my bag. By the time you see the pictures though i probably would have resumed my reign of rape and pillage in deep space. argh matey.

I am trying very hard here, to walk the line between acceptable exhibitionism and just degrading myself. I think that boxing other girls, scantily clad while a bunch of drunk dudes laugh at me is a little degrading. call me old fashioned. Anyhow, I am pretty strapped for cash right now, i've got the big move coming up in August. It's just this thing that the SGs got invited to do for $100, and i don't really think that it's in my realm of acceptability. So am i just being a fucking square or what? I mean i guess that would be fun to watch, but not if it's me up there. And $100? That sounds a little weak for me to participate in the equivelant of mud wrestling. If the other girls feel that this is just shits and giggles and are participating, that's cool. I understand. I agreed to it before I thought about it for 30 seconds. Anyhow. I'm sort of out of my element here. I just want to rock 'n roll.

*by the way, did anyone notice that my current crush is David Faustino? That's fucking brilliant.

tonight i went to go see a punk rock show. the riffs for whatever reason. well, i was taking a tinkle when some generic-ass tall skinny spiky black haired punk rock mother fucker tore open the curtain to the stall, looked down at me all fucking googly eyed and said "Sorry" then he stumbled back out.

what the fuck?