This is definitely one of those regathering and reconsidering oneself points in my life. Never before have I truly, actually applied myself to certain things and found myself failing. I've always been under the impression that if I try as hard as I can, that I'll succeed. That my incompetence with certain things has always been due to my lack of effort put into them. And, up until now, that has always been true. But lately, everything has just been coming at me at a billion miles per hour and spreading me so thin, and I have been trying to do my very goddamned best at every one of them, and have been failing at EVERY SINGLE ONE. I'm not doing good at anything right now. School, work, home life and relationships... I studied for my organic chem exam for countless hours. I pulled at least one all-nighter, and spent the entire week prior to the exam cramming and reviewing every single goddamned fact and reaction into my brain. I went into the exam feeling pretty good, walked out of it feeling alright, and looked at my score a few days later feeling heartbroken. 60%. A FUCKING 60%?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!? What more am I supposed to do, know, kill myself over to get a goddamned 4.0 on an exam?! Or, christ, anything but a 2.0. Or is that even a 1.5 with the grading scale... fuck I don't even want to think about it. Then, I had gotten fired from my job, completely as a shock to me because I thought I was doing well because I really was trying to do well there. Then, I got canned for, yeah, persistent tardiness, but also brought to my attention were a variety of things that I was just not doing "good enough" at. Eventually, I got my job back through enough begging and humbling, but the past two (and only two) times I've been back in on the clock, I've done something wrong. Last week, I sold the guy the wrong clownfish and it started to attach his other one. This week, I was filling up the sumps and spilled water all around the inside of the stand of the 220-gallon. I wonder what it will be next week... smashing one of the lights and electrocuting all of the fish in a tank? I wonder when they'll get sick of me again.

I've always been one for trying to see the positive in every situation and not get too bummed out by dwelling on the negative. but, man, how many more outwardly negative things can one handle being thrown at them at one time without collapsing into broken pile of defeat? The only place in which I can seek refuge is in knowing that there's only about a month left in the semester and, if I'm still failing up until that point, at least it will be all over by then and I can start with a clean slate next semester. Though I don't know how much that will help, considering that I'm taking two classes that are extensions of the two main ones that I'm failing at this semester, an addition to two additional credits. I'm taking the bare minimum 12 right now and am completely floundering. It seems like 14 will be the death of me. At least three of these credits are a Spanish class, which I consider myself to be somewhat proficient at. Im talking to an advisor tomorrow as well about seeing if there is any possible way to fanagle myself out of Physics 2, as Physics 1 is just a completely lost cause. But it's a college of natural science requirement, so I severely doubt it.

Maybe I would do better if I got enough food and sleep. But eating out is expensive, and I'm completely unknowledgeable at making anything myself (I tried to make spaghetti and burnt the shit out of it). I guess I can just buy an infinite amount of macaroni and Ramen noodles and pray that keeps me sustained, though god knows i won't be getting nearly the amount of balanced nutrition required for normal functioning. Gotta keep it in perspective though... it's way better than the starving that I'm doing right now. Sleep is just... well, I have sleep problems, so that doesn't help my energy and attention span consistently resting at the bare minimum.

Goddamnit. I'm lonely too. I live in a house with 19 other people and I can't even take advantage of it because my noes is stuffed so far into books all the time. Everyone just thinks I'm antisocial... but I'm not, because I'd love to come hang out in the common areas and get wasted every single night... believe me. And it doesn't even pay off that I have this self-control. I'm still sucking at school. I wish I knew how to stop sucking, but I don't know if I'm even capable anymore. I want a boy to cuddle with. I mean, I have my ex still floating around and providing when i'm desperate. But, man, I want a boy to cuddle with who's still pure in my eyes. Not a whirlwind of drama and emotional abuse who can be set off in an instant that we're together. I want a boy who will be sweet to me no matter what. And I want him to be in close proximity for convenient cuddling. But I don't forsee that happening in the near future at all when I don't even have time for all my classes, let alone the time to find and connect with new love interests.



Oi. What am I going to do with myself. My tummy is grumbling, and my mind and heart are aching.