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hello, im still alive. and very happy

having my own place, a proper one, with an awseom boy is, well, fucking awsome. the sunshine makes you lazy so all my days are spent chilling out (except on the ones where i work, but its hardly noticeable!) the august madness starts tomorrow, brighton pride!! so, doubtful if im going to be online much in the next month.
woooo!

so.. its been a week or so living in the new place, we're very lazy but extremely settled in it, watching david attenborough and chuffing its been raining like mad so we've been indoors loads. lazy times to end soon, i start my job at the club again on thursday and i have my avon lady stuff all ready (im lazy about that too though) so spending lots of time with the boy is lovely.
its brilliant not living in london anymore but i feel a bit out of touch with stuff. which is great in its own right eeee!

guess what i did today? me and my boy moved into our new flat today!! myt first flat and myh first double bed! been grinning like a complete fool all day long, and we went cusion shopping. EEEEE.

in other news, i had my end of year thing with my course, obviously i failed, and thugh it cost me a fuckload of stress on the hand in day, the next day i realised i didnt mind. plus, i think i have the chance to resit some of the moduals.

ytes, all in all; HAPPY!

ok, i REALLY suck at working and packing. *sigh*

i have a flat!!! its beautiful, we are moving in on thursday next week, im so excited! packing is doing my head in a lot though, ive come back to a huge mess, most of which is my partially done project which i have till tuesday to hand in, im still debating doing it. i did go and talk to my teacher and he gave me an extention cause i should finish my year. i simply went home though, but now im back and its haunting me again. everybody has gone home so im alone for the weekend. i guess it gives me a bit of time to concider what i can do with ths project, but im finding it hard to come up with a solution.
im missing my biy and my friends a lot, thursday couldnt come sooner!!

im baaaaaakkkeeed!

ok, so im ill, again. the stress that this uni thing has caused me is unreal and i've reached the final hurdle, and fallen. my work is due in and i just havent done it. ita not likle i didnt try, but my hearts not in it. all year ive been trying to prove that i can do it, while all year trying to think of a reason why i have to prove it. and, there isnt one. i dont want to do it, and i wont.
im fed up of this room, the sirens that dont stop, the horrible heat and not being able to open my window, wasting a buttload of money on a lost cause and trapping myself into an environmrent that makes me sick, not only brain sick, but actually, phisically sick.
its quite a liberating idea, thinking i have 2 days left and saying 'fuck it' to the whole thing. i know the general opinion is that this is fucking stupid, that i should bite the bullet and get on with it, but its weak, why should i have to get on with it when its not what i want? it may be something i come to regret, but honestly, im thinking the day i want to willingly come back to this life is the day i've finally gone mad. ive been sitting in my bed all year, staring at the door that leads into a long hallway, feeling like im a shell. my life is outside the door and i need to go and get it.
im moving home, as soon as i can, im getting my car back, im getting a job and saving some money, im getting a flat and im doing what ive wanted to do. im getting the hell out of here. surely thats got more courage then staying, to throw out a shitload of money and a possible career which i 'should have' cause 'im capable' of it, a degree from a good university and all that bullshit to take a chance on a road that might not work out. but, ive got faith.
the summers going to be an intressting one, im going to have to challenge my personality, to show myself im capable. im forseeing great things, and shit things. but you have to have shit to know how good the good things are, and they are good. and they will be good.
talking to the only person that makes utter sence is an amazing feeling. sometimes you need to hear the 'stupid' ideas you've been having are the real thing. why else would you even think of them if they werent? not enough people throw caution to the wind.
im going to work really hard for the things i want, and i want my freedom of expression back. the course has crushed my passion for the thing i love - art. i never sit down and draw for myself anymore, my brain has stopped communicating with my hands and its a mechanical process now, something im almost beginning to resent. ok, so sure i could turn my uni work into something i love, but for what purpose? so i can be judged on it immidiatly? told how im suposed to improve it so everyone thinks im great? why? thats not what its about for me, i dont want to spend years ill never get back working for a cause i dont care about.

hahaha, so, im a complete dumbass! and i like that idea.

of course, i havnt actually been into uni and given in my work (its in on friday) but i havnt done enough of it, im sure. i mean, maybe by some mirical i will pass (my teacher is great, he knows what a flid i can be) but even so, im not coming back. and ive made myself go nuts trying to think of a solution when the simple answer is; i dont need a solution.

tomorrow i will know whats going to happen and where my head is going to be, im excited. worried, of course (im not strong enough not to be) but damn excited to see what happens.

and im fucking FED UP of being sick!!

p.s - haha, that picture in my last blog didnt load before, but i think it has now - it makes me superhappy

SPECIAL POSITION!

ok, so.. it was awsome as usual to see everybody on saturday at Kits birthday party, apologies now if me and the boy were wrecked, and we were.. VERY wrecked! i dont remember most of what happened so im sorry if i was acting like a complete peen (jager and wine on the train render me pretty dumbass) i had the misfortune of drunkinly leaving my entier bag (with my DS in it!!) on the tube. damn.
its super sunny and i just cant seen to reach the last hurdle, only 4 days left and i cant motivate myself to do anything! help!!