PICS
(English version) (please feel free to point me out any mistake or broken language)
When you grow up as a tomboy, whatever is the reason for, deep inside, your main desire is to not be related to girls. They are boring. Their lives are boring. So many things are forbidden for the girls. You, you want to be part of that cast that you can feel, more or less consciously, very privileged : boys. But even if you are lucky and if boys accept you among them - oh, you’re way smarter, swifter, and more violent than them all ; you need to win your place over, don’t you ?! - everyone knows this is still a lie. A travesty game. Even if your whole self refuses to believe it, they all know and let you know, eventually, that you are only a girl.
Then, teenage years. The split gets deeper. The lie doesn’t trick them any longer. Your body betrays you. No more topless running in the woods. No more mindless mixity. First tears, cried over your blooming breasts, nauseas, pain, despair and disgust when periods first start. Although you know, you, that you are not a girl ! But your body doesn’t. Even if you close your eyes and fool yourself and hide, your body reminds you the fate, with pain and blood, at least 13 times a year.
Then, desire. Theirs, mainly. They make you feel how much you are subjected to their desires. Yours seem so simple though, you know them well and they never cared about gender. Theirs does. They repeat you over and over : you are not pretty enough. You are not dolled up. You are not graceful, not feminine, your hair is not long enough. They repeat you this is not the right way to be an attractive woman. But you don’t want to be attractive ! Not that way, not to them ! However, double-edged irony, you see you are attractive anyway. You would do without though. They don’t need much, you know they don’t. Knowing that you’ve got that female body is quite enough. You can see them stare, you see the ones that see through your short hair, your ample clothes, beyond the muscles you trained with application, they see there is a soft skin, curves, breasts, female genitals, and that’s enough for them to tell you what you should be and who you should be subjected to. Above all, you don’t even desire the right persons. Not the right gender. But you don’t care, really, since you are not a girl !!!
Therefore they tell you off. You are a girl, but you are not a girl enough, but you don’t want to be, but you’re not allowed to try to be someone else, something else, because they want you to be a girl, but not that kind, can’t you simply fit, you slut, dyke, witch, freak ?
Nowadays I’m a grown-up. I answer, everytime, smiling, laughing, quietly, that “I am not a girl.” Or “I’m not exactly a girl, no, I am not a boy neither.” “Oh you know, me ? I’m no girl.” I’m trying to slip it in, everywhere, anytime. Yet to explain to ignorant cis-gendered ones that one can be genderqueer, pangender, intersex, intergender, transgender, transexual, neutral, pansexual, third sex, androgynous, gender fluid, undefined…. It takes too much time and energy. It’s very often depressing and I don’t have enough patience any longer. So I’m just endlessly repeating “I am not a girl.” It’s the simplest method I’ve found. I try to convince myself, naively, that hopefully it could insidiously penetrate some people minds and activate some pondering, some beginning of a thought, even change some behaviours ( and it did, actually)
But sometimes I’m fed up. I’m fed up with your wry smile and your self-righteous obstinacy, fed up with your usual contemptuous answers. “Oh you can say what you want, you still can’t hide the truth.” “Of course you are a girl.” Oh Thanks ! My body and the whole society behind me already remind me every single day that I am born in a female body, thanks, I noticed. I am not the blind one - you are.
Then sometimes I can’t take these words any longer. They burn, right where I’m building my self. They totally deny my identity.
Because I AM NOT A GIRL.
Version française
Je ne suis pas une fille
Quand tu grandis en garçon manqué, quelle que soit la raison, au fond, ta plus grande envie c’est de ne pas être liée aux filles. Elles ne sont pas intéressantes. On leur interdit tellement de choses. Toi tu veux faire partie de la caste que tu sens bien, intimement, plus ou moins inconsciemment, privilégiée : les garçons. Mais même si tu es chanceuse et que les garçons t’acceptent - oh tu es bien plus maligne, plus rapide, plus violente qu’eux tous ; eh, il faut bien faire sa place ! - tout le monde sait bien que ça reste un mensonge. Un jeu d’apparence. Même si tout ton être ne veut pas y croire, ils le savent bien, tous, qu’au fond, tu n’es qu’une fille.
Et puis l’adolescence. Le clivage qui se creuse. Le mensonge qui ne trompe plus tellement. Le corps qui te trahit. Fini de courir torse nu. Les premières larmes, quand tes seins poussent, les nausées, la douleur, le désespoir, le dégoût, pendant tes premières règles. Pourtant, toi, tu le sais bien, que tu n’es pas une fille ! Mais ton corps ne le sait pas, lui. Et même si tu peux fermer les yeux et le cacher, il te le rappelle bien, avec force et douleur et sang, au moins 13 fois par an.
Puis le désir. Celui des autres surtout, que tu subis. Le tien, tu le connais depuis longtemps et il ne s’est jamais arrêté au genre de quiconque, ça te paraît si simple. Eux, non. On te le répète, on te le serine. Tu n’es pas assez jolie. Pas apprêtée. Pas gracieuse. Pas féminine. Tes cheveux ne sont pas assez longs. Ce n’est pas comme ça que tu vas plaire. Mais tu ne veux pas plaire de toute façon ! Pas à eux ! Et pourtant, ironie à double-tranchant, tu vois bien que tu plais, malgré tout. Tu t’en passerais bien. Ils se contentent de peu, tu le sais bien, du simple savoir que tu as ce corps de femelle. Tu vois bien les regards, tu vois ceux qui devinent derrière tes cheveux courts, sous tes vêtements amples, malgré les muscles que tu t’appliques à forger, il y a une peau douce, des courbes, des seins, un sexe feminin. Et voilà qu’en plus tu ne désires pas les bonnes personnes. Pas le bon genre. Mais tu t’en fiches puisque tu n’es pas une fille !!!!
Donc on te crie, tu es une fille, mais tu ne l’es pas assez, mais tu ne veux pas, mais tu n’as pas le droit d’essayer d’être autre chose, parce qu’ils veulent que tu sois une fille, mais pas une comme ça, rentre dans le rang, salope, hommasse, gouine, sorcière, freak.
Aujourd’hui je réponds, systématiquement, en souriant, en riant, que “je ne suis pas une fille”, ou “je ne suis pas vraiment une fille, non, je ne suis pas un garçon non plus” “oh vous savez moi je ne suis pas une fille” dès qu’un qualificatif tombe. Je le place partout où je peux, dès que je peux. Expliquer aux cis-genres ignorants que l’on peut être genderqueer, pangender, intersexe, intergenre, transgenre, neutre, pansexuel, 3ème sexe, androgyne, gender fluid, indéfini ; ça prend trop de temps, c’est trop déprimant, je n’ai plus la patience. La plupart des mots n'existent même pas en français. Je répète donc juste inlassablement que je ne suis pas une fille. C’est la méthode la plus simple que j’ai trouvée. Je me dis naïvement qu’à force, ça peut insidieusement pénétrer l’esprit de certains et amorcer des débuts de questionnements ou des changements de comportements (et ça marche souvent, en effet).
Mais parfois j’en ai assez. Assez de votre sourire ironique et votre obstination pleine de bons sentiments, assez de votre condescendante réponse habituelle : “Tu dis bien ce que tu veux, tu ne peux pas le cacher.” ”Mais si Dwam. Tu es une fille.” Merci, mon corps et toute la société derrière essayent de me rappeler chaque jour que je suis née dotée d’un corps de femelle, j’avais remarqué. Ça ne fait pas de moi une fille pour autant. Ce n’est pas moi qui ait des oeillères - c’est vous. Donc parfois ces phrases ne passent plus. Elles me brûlent directement là où je tente de me construire. Elles nient complètement mon identité.
Parce que JE NE SUIS PAS UNE FILLE.
SG
Sets on Member Review that still need your attention and support :
Lass - Water Beads
I'm pretty sad to see that so many members still feel entitled to complain about the lack of expliciteness of that set (I noticed it on the last Illusion's dvd set too). Seriously. Poor little folks who haven't got their daily dose of vaginas they paid 4$ for, how can they cope with it ? Such a huge lack in your life. I understand it's very hard. And it's not like there is thousands of girls happy to show how much or how little they want about their body around here, and on other sites.
But just so you know, I'm not one eager to push anyone to be more explicit just because a bunch of assholes feel entitled to fuss about it. I appreciate Suicidegirls because it's one of the rare place the will of the models is still respected, and because I still believe it can be empowering in certain ways when it goes along body-positivity and avoids blind objectification ; so I will NEVER listen to the insidious calls for "more". Girls are free to be and show whatever they feel ok with, and you'd better respect it. Period. Otherwise, I think I'd better stop shooting right now.
Vivid - Like Silk, in her awesome negligee, during this awesome shootfest time at Chloe's !
Geisha - L'ecume des jours - we did a tribute to one of Boris Vian's most beautiful book (Froth on the daydream)
Please do not forget Nya - Vehement Behemoth. I really want to see that set on the fp. It's done pretty well but and some extra love wouldn't hurt.
Also Key is thinking of taking down The Lady of the House of Love so... extra support too ?
Coming soon
OCT 13, 2012 01:01 PM
I completely agree with you about the explicit issue. The pervy commenters who beg or complain for more should be blackballed.
OCT 13, 2012 01:05 PM
I actually just finished watching this:
It's sad that people are not allowed to just grow up and be who they are rather than being forced into some preconcieved notion as to who they should be.
OCT 13, 2012 01:35 PM
Some years ago in a reality show Big Brother in Spain was participating one boy, he looked like a normal boy but he was born like a girl, but when he was 20 or so he did the operation. And you can imagine what the people were saying after this notice? Hm, it's really annoying to hear stupid comments and jokes about it! We live in 21st century but there are people which can't or don't want to accept that to be gay, lesbian, bisexual.....is something that was, is and will be here forever!
Have a gr8 weekend!
OCT 13, 2012 01:48 PM
You wrote that really well. It made me really sad. I've picked up where I left off in The Second Sex again. I left it for a while because it was making me feel quite depressed even though it's excellent to read in other ways. So I've been thinking a lot about these things again. The chapter I'm reading at the moment called Childhood is quite related to your journal. The strange thing about many of these issues for me is how I have only noticed them in the last few years. As if I lived a completely blind life all this time and either couldn't see things like misogyny or bizarrely even saw some of it as complimentary and now I find it so shocking and feel quite ashamed of myself when I think about how I have behaved in the past or things that I haven't questioned or stood up for. I think a lot of that comes from up-brining, like we're just supposed to polite and nice no matter what is said to us. Now that I'm nearly 30, I'm certainly not a girl anymore but am I woman? I wonder about these things and think about how little connection I have for example to the biological features that are supposed to make me a woman, I don't want to and have never wanted to have children. Another thing that I feel no connectedness to are my breasts, perhaps it's something to do with not having large breasts. It would be interesting to know if I would feel the same if it did. I hardly even notice them or even think of them as a 'thing' actually, they just seem like an un-functional body part if anything. I feel quite repulsed with the universal fascination with them. I was thinking about that the last time one of my pictures was posted on the SG facebook and lots of people were writing "where are her breasts?!" Because I have no opinion on this particular anatomy of mine it of course didn't upset me personally but it really made me feel disturbed at this rabid obsession with these body parts. I realise we are procreative creatures though, what can we do? I feel quite repulsed by a lot of things about human biology and sex actually and really exasperated at attitudes about women and appearance. There is another really good chapter in The Second Sex called Myth and Reality about appearances and the ridiculousness of using woman as a symbol. But I've got side-tracked, my "problem" is far simpler than yours I think so I realise your frustrations and disdain are even greater than mine. I feel it for you too though. But you know, if things keep slowly slowly improving as they have been in these areas, not everywhere but at least in some parts of the world to begin with them maybe one day everyone can just be a human being.
OCT 13, 2012 01:55 PM
Linked to the points that AnnaLee has contributed: I do not understand, really, the fascination with breasts. It seems to be quite an arbitrary choice for men to fixate upon when you consider it. Why not the ears, the little fingers, the ankles?
OCT 13, 2012 01:59 PM
It is my belief that gender is a concept that is a problem for everyone.
This conviction has grown for me and my being a friend - being aware and conversing with you.
Love and respect - as my friend, Hezza is known to give.
be well
OCT 13, 2012 02:23 PM
Re: Totem, I believe it's because they are life giving in some way as breast milk nourishes the young, also something to do with mothers and that they are soft and comforting? It's all so biological though and you would think with our intelligence we would find something else, well luckily some do but it's still an absolute obsession for humans. There is an evolutionary theory that says we used to be fixated on bottoms when we were closer to apes, look at the elaborate backsides of some primates, but that when we evolved to have to carry more milk for longer the fixation moved to the front of the body. Everything about nature seems so unnatural to me so often!
OCT 13, 2012 02:36 PM
Je te soutiens à 200 %...
Pour ma part, que tu sois un petit chaton, un phoque, de la menthe, du persil ou peut être voir même les 4 mélangés, tu es ce que tu es et je t'aime comme ça.
J'ai un corps et non je suis un corps...
OCT 13, 2012 02:38 PM
I exactly know how da hell you feel.
I passed half of my adolescence crying when I discovered that all the boys that I thought were friends used to consider me just a piece of stupid meat to fuck.
Just and empty,cute body to fill with their sperm.No brain or thinking was allowed.
I suffered a lot also I always been into all "male"activities.
When i started rapping and went to the jams,on stage the first thing everybody used to diss on me was"hey,you're a girl,you should doing blow jobs and fucking us,cuz rap ain't women's business!".
Then I discovered that all those things I considered weakness were my strength....
I learn to understand how to use my body as a weapon and how to use my brain as the bullet.
and It worked.
I decided to try to become a reportage photographer,and the 1st thing my teacher told me was that no women could do that work!
fuck!I just returned from south America,shooting in the worst ghetto's just to demonstrate that wasn't true.
But I also have to admit that sometimes I really desired to be an enormous 2m high nigga instead of a tiny white girl.
By the way,seems that you ain't proud of being a girl,you gotta to, I think...
Not a girl in the average and conformist meaning but a special being...
we don't have anything to envy to the guys...and either if we do,is cuz they made us think so,cuz they scared of our power...and until we don't discover it we will always be slaves of that hanged up mentality....
do we?
I think U rock,and U rock as a girl/woman/female or what you like.
rock on
hope someday we'll meet...
respect
OCT 13, 2012 04:42 PM
J'appuie ton texte à 100%.
Tout ceci me dépasse également lorsque l'on nous range tous, dans des petites cases, en tous points.
Fille, garçon, célibataire, en couple, hétéro, homo ou bi.
Pour ce limiter aux mots, cas il faudrait donner un nom à tout pour pouvoir le "comprendre".
Le voir et le vivre ne suffit visiblement pas. Soit.
OCT 13, 2012 04:57 PM
This is probably the most important and amazing post of yours I've read. I feel exactly that way, except the opposite. I am not a boy. Yet I am betrayed by my body. Every day. The facial hair that won't go away, but won't grow in enough to even count, really. The wide shoulders, the large hands, the bone structure of my jaw and forehead. My slightly receding hair, just enough that I can't have bangs. My voice. My large, very masculine nose.
So much exactly like you said, yet complete opposite. So much I can't do anything about that society and nature have betrayed to me.
I feel what you said every single day.
OCT 13, 2012 05:44 PM
I want to learn French can you help, you seem like the only SG from France still active on this site?
OCT 13, 2012 05:53 PM
That's an amazing post! 
As a passes for white male, I'd never given a lot of thought to privilege and how it affects those around me, but I'm trying to change that. This has given me even more to think about. 
OCT 13, 2012 06:20 PM
That was really great. Whatever you are, I am kinda infatuated with you.
OCT 13, 2012 06:26 PM
lol!
That should be my approach next time I need a guy in a dress. lmao
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