So... Where to begin, there is so much to say and so little ability to tell anyone due to my fucking internet provider! Anyway I can blame them forever, just gotta get it sorted! Besides I'm here now, and as I said there's alot to say.

I have to get this bit done first... New set in memeber review on Sunday, The Animal In Me - shot by the beautiful Benten It's a very different set for me, more raaw, not staged, this is the angry me, the rejected me the me that was before the rest of this blog happened... read on.



I've been through some changes recently, in all sorts of areas, but some have more of an impact than others and I guess a vent is in order. As you all know I recently returned from the City of Lost Angels and I for sure fell in love with the place, deeper than I could have known and being there stirred a feeling inside of me that I haven't felt in a long time. Now this feeling could be many things, over the last few years I've lost several emotions and some others have been buried under vast amounts of shit. As I sifted around in my stomach, brain, heart I realised that it wasn't excitement, it wasn't simple happiness - or even complex happiness - it was far more unusual than that.

It was hope.

I have a special lady from right here to thank for that realisation; you know who you are pretty lady.
Hope is a feeling that people often confuse with positivity. I have many areas in my life of which I can speak in a positive light and that make me feel degrees of happiness and joy and I certainly have love in my life from many places and for that I'm very lucky. However. For a very long time (years perhaps) I have felt that my life hasn't really been in my control. No one took it away from me I just kinda resigned myself on the path which I had chosen, and I don't think that path is entirely wrong for me I think that it most certainly is what one half of me wants. To be at uni, to work in the bar, to have a fiancé. But there is another side. Me that wants to be free, to run away, to disappear. In my head my future is unclear because there's one me that chooses my hair colour, my tattoos and piercings, clothes and music and films is not the same me that studies for exams and cooks Before I thought it was just an outlet for me, a way to express and all that B.S but when I was away I discovered it was so much more. It was a whole other me that didn't fully blossom because she didn't see the point. This is my life; I've always wanted to go to uni, so I went. I've always had long term boyfriends and then a fiancé. I've always needed money so I have a job. And while all of these things are the best in the world for one half of me the other half is screaming out 'ME ME ME ME' when I went away I saw a whole other world of possibilities. The ability to live my life with no money but it not matter, to take big jumps from big heights and to live for the other me inside.

I can't even describe to you all how much this has changed me, I came home different, happily changed and -up until a few days ago and my realisation of hope as the emotion I felt - very great confusion.

When I first thought about writing this blog, I was worried I'd sound depressed feeling trapped in my life, feeling buried and cold inside. Being angry at the world and at everyone in it for my shit luck, my shit health and my mountain of debt. No more being angry for me.

Because I've made a decision...

After I finish this year at uni me and my wife (my hetero life partner) are moving for a year to LA. There's so much red tape and so much to sort out but that place made me feel like anything was possible and that feeling is one I need to return to. I'm a cynic but if I have a soul then that city awakens it. Makes me feel alive, not just living. I know that LA would be pleased to hear that it's duped another young girl into packing her bags and moving to town with her soul on her sleeve but I have no desire to make my fortune and see my name in lights. I want to live alive, as much life as I can pack in and scrape myself into bed every morning to sleep through the day.

This decision hasn't come easily. I've always been a little neurotic about having everything under control although I've never really managed it this is a leap to even believe I'm capable of such a big move but here's the hope bit kicking in!

Anyway I've gone on long enough, just want to let you all know I am happy and smiling right now and life is good x

Love to everyone. Spoiler is a selection of holiday pics of me in the best days of my life so far!

Love Dixy x