PICS
So for those of you who don't already know, my boyfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me over the weekend. I think I'm still in shock, it was me who initiated the 'we need to talk' discussion, but I only ever wanted to try and fix things, to make them better.
Ultimately, we're going in different directions in our lives - his involves being very busy riding around on a small bike and taking lots of pictures and mine involves working towards gaining enough self respect to believe I deserve to be the main priority in someones life. I don't want to be responsible for holding someone back and missing out on things, that guilt isn't conducive to a healthy relationship and does nothing to support my new found sense of self worth
But being armed with the knowledge that it's 'for the best' doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Obviously I still love him with all of my heart - you can't just switch it off because someone has fallen out of love with you - and it's killing me having to look at him and think of him as anything other than mine, the man I've spent the last 3 years with. But I can't hold this against him, he knows what he wants in life and I respect that everything he's worked for over the last few years, since way before me, has finally started coming together. Who am I to stand in the way of that?
It's ironic, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that people do value me and want to be around me, and think I'm worth investing time and effort into, and the one person I want more than ANYTHING to hold me in that same high regard jut doesn't feel that way. But I suppose it's better to do this now so I can concentrate on surrounding myself with people who do, and further my progress rather than hinder it.
No matter how much it hurts.
I've never been in this situation before, never had my heart broken...but it's definitely shown me how strong I've become. If this had happened a year ago, I would have been locked away in my room, smashing my head into a radiator and crying like it was the end of the world. And that part of me is still there, lurking. That part of me doesn't care how unhappy I'd be in the long run, if I could only have him, and be his, for now. But what does that achieve?
And that part of me would have never shared any of this with anyone, let alone YOU.
People ask if I'm OK, and I am, because I'll make myself OK - what's the alternative? Going backwards is obscenely counterproductive, and I need to take every ounce of positivity I can from this situation, and turn it into an opportunity rather than a setback. It's pointless going through a messy and painful plan of action designed to make us both happy if I let it make me unhappy. That's just a waste.
My whole life I have had nothing but a boyfriend - just me and him against the world. Now I have everything but.
Imagine that
Ultimately, we're going in different directions in our lives - his involves being very busy riding around on a small bike and taking lots of pictures and mine involves working towards gaining enough self respect to believe I deserve to be the main priority in someones life. I don't want to be responsible for holding someone back and missing out on things, that guilt isn't conducive to a healthy relationship and does nothing to support my new found sense of self worth
But being armed with the knowledge that it's 'for the best' doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Obviously I still love him with all of my heart - you can't just switch it off because someone has fallen out of love with you - and it's killing me having to look at him and think of him as anything other than mine, the man I've spent the last 3 years with. But I can't hold this against him, he knows what he wants in life and I respect that everything he's worked for over the last few years, since way before me, has finally started coming together. Who am I to stand in the way of that?
It's ironic, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that people do value me and want to be around me, and think I'm worth investing time and effort into, and the one person I want more than ANYTHING to hold me in that same high regard jut doesn't feel that way. But I suppose it's better to do this now so I can concentrate on surrounding myself with people who do, and further my progress rather than hinder it.
No matter how much it hurts.
I've never been in this situation before, never had my heart broken...but it's definitely shown me how strong I've become. If this had happened a year ago, I would have been locked away in my room, smashing my head into a radiator and crying like it was the end of the world. And that part of me is still there, lurking. That part of me doesn't care how unhappy I'd be in the long run, if I could only have him, and be his, for now. But what does that achieve?
And that part of me would have never shared any of this with anyone, let alone YOU.
People ask if I'm OK, and I am, because I'll make myself OK - what's the alternative? Going backwards is obscenely counterproductive, and I need to take every ounce of positivity I can from this situation, and turn it into an opportunity rather than a setback. It's pointless going through a messy and painful plan of action designed to make us both happy if I let it make me unhappy. That's just a waste.
My whole life I have had nothing but a boyfriend - just me and him against the world. Now I have everything but.
Imagine that
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Because my fans want/need it.
Are those tattoos?
No, it's an alien symbiote slowly taking over my body. Looks pretty cool though, huh?
Wow, did they hurt? How much did they cost? I've got a tattoo...
That's awesome, can we have sex now? I really want to have sex with you now that you've shown me that awesome tattoo of Wile E Coyote. Also, I like your shoes, how much did they cost? What about that hat? And I love that earring, did that hurt? Am I annoying you yet?
You're weird. Anyway, how come you're drinking that sambuca? I thought you were xstraightxedgex (4 lyfe)?
Ah, a serious question. I was straightedge (from the age of 16-22) but I made the decision to start drinking because, shock horror, I wanted to. I always said if I ever wanted to, I would, and I don't regret that decision because life is to short to impose unnecessary restrictions on yourself. sXe was right for me for a long time, but once my outlook on life changed, I'd have been a hypocrite if I'd NOT drank just so I could retain the sXe 'tag', and that's something I refuse to be.
Oh, right, 'edge til 21' then huh?
No, not really. The legal drinking age here is 18, not 21, and besides I was drinking from a much earlier age. I went out sober to clubs a lot, and was around drunk people a lot too. Now I'm just one of them
Cool, so what's your favourite thing to drink?
Sambuca, Jagermerister, double Sambuca, or Baileys.
Hey, didn't you used to live on some weird tropical island where sailors paid you lots of money to talk to them and sometimes get yr boobs out?
Yes
On a scale of 1 to 10, just how RANDOM are you?
I'm the undisputed queen of Wacky Style.
What's yr favourite RANDOM t-shirt design?
Oh! I'm so glad you asked. I have many. Obviously, there's the classic 'I poke badgers with spoons', but I'm also partial to 'Nobody knows I'm a lesbian', 'One by one the penguins steal my sanity', 'The rice crispies told me to do it', or any other phrase detailing how mental/bonkers I am. Or anything to do with sporks.
You sound really cool, can we be friends?
I love all my fans. I'm only doing this for you.
Why ARE you doing this?
Hey! Don't question the crazy person!!!111lolz
Can we stop now?
Yes please.
So! There you have it. Is there anything else you'd like to ask, frequently? Things that keep you awake at night with the pain of not knowing? Ask me! I'll answer ANYTHING *nudgenudgewinkwinkhowsthemissus* !!!!!!
OK.
Because my fans want/need it.
Are those tattoos?
No, it's an alien symbiote slowly taking over my body. Looks pretty cool though, huh?
Wow, did they hurt? How much did they cost? I've got a tattoo...
That's awesome, can we have sex now? I really want to have sex with you now that you've shown me that awesome tattoo of Wile E Coyote. Also, I like your shoes, how much did they cost? What about that hat? And I love that earring, did that hurt? Am I annoying you yet?
You're weird. Anyway, how come you're drinking that sambuca? I thought you were xstraightxedgex (4 lyfe)?
Ah, a serious question. I was straightedge (from the age of 16-22) but I made the decision to start drinking because, shock horror, I wanted to. I always said if I ever wanted to, I would, and I don't regret that decision because life is to short to impose unnecessary restrictions on yourself. sXe was right for me for a long time, but once my outlook on life changed, I'd have been a hypocrite if I'd NOT drank just so I could retain the sXe 'tag', and that's something I refuse to be.
Oh, right, 'edge til 21' then huh?
No, not really. The legal drinking age here is 18, not 21, and besides I was drinking from a much earlier age. I went out sober to clubs a lot, and was around drunk people a lot too. Now I'm just one of them
Cool, so what's your favourite thing to drink?
Sambuca, Jagermerister, double Sambuca, or Baileys.
Hey, didn't you used to live on some weird tropical island where sailors paid you lots of money to talk to them and sometimes get yr boobs out?
Yes
On a scale of 1 to 10, just how RANDOM are you?
I'm the undisputed queen of Wacky Style.
What's yr favourite RANDOM t-shirt design?
Oh! I'm so glad you asked. I have many. Obviously, there's the classic 'I poke badgers with spoons', but I'm also partial to 'Nobody knows I'm a lesbian', 'One by one the penguins steal my sanity', 'The rice crispies told me to do it', or any other phrase detailing how mental/bonkers I am. Or anything to do with sporks.
You sound really cool, can we be friends?
I love all my fans. I'm only doing this for you.
Why ARE you doing this?
Hey! Don't question the crazy person!!!111lolz
Can we stop now?
Yes please.
So! There you have it. Is there anything else you'd like to ask, frequently? Things that keep you awake at night with the pain of not knowing? Ask me! I'll answer ANYTHING *nudgenudgewinkwinkhowsthemissus* !!!!!!
OK.
Gah
Birthdays. Yay.
I'll post more when I've caught up on some sleep, but thank you all for the lovely messages.
ALSO my inbox got flooded with well wishes, which means that if you sent me a message regarding a t-shirt from my last blog, it's probably been buried, sorry
I'll do my best to catch up on them all by the end of the week, so if you've bought or enquired about a shirt I'm sorry but please be patient, or send me another message to hurry me up!
Lovelove
x
Birthdays. Yay.
I'll post more when I've caught up on some sleep, but thank you all for the lovely messages.
ALSO my inbox got flooded with well wishes, which means that if you sent me a message regarding a t-shirt from my last blog, it's probably been buried, sorry
I'll do my best to catch up on them all by the end of the week, so if you've bought or enquired about a shirt I'm sorry but please be patient, or send me another message to hurry me up!
Lovelove
x
