OH, HAI

where have i gone?

I wrote the words to this song
On the back of a photograph
Behind your back it goes
"A little something like this
Is way too big to miss"

I got a letter in the mail
The sender failed
To let me know where it came from
Opened it up and sure enough
There we were
Arm in arm again

I know it's small but
My last call's been called
Half an hour ago
I know it's late but
Do you think you could at least
Fix it for me

Then I'll go I'll go alone I swear
I won't tell a soul
I'll drink this beer and write in fear
Of a song everybody hates

Armageddon, let the light in
Before we say goodbye
Give us something to believe in
Armageddon we're not begging
For too much, I don't think
Need a goodbye kiss before we sink

Everything is going to be a-ok

So its the last day of the year, a time when all the reflective blogs pop up. In my case, its just (good?)bad timing, but it seems kind of significant that today is the day I want to talk. Cue the music.

If you know me at all, youll know that this year has been an epic one for me. I wont bore you with things you can read in my previous blogs, but to summarise, I realised that while I may have thought I was in control of my life, I was only ever making excuses, and the path Ive taken over the last 12 months has resulted in me having the life I want. For the first time ever, I have an amazing group of friends, relationships I have enough confidence in to be able to emotionally invest, and the confidence and sense of self worth to realise I myself am worth investing in.

I have grown up, and figured out that what happened in the past should stay there, and to let that affect the way you live the rest of yr life is not progress, especially if it was events beyond yr control. I no longer waste time dwelling on the things I cant change. Instead of making excuses, I have become pro-active, and if my peers could tell you one thing about me, itd be that I get things done. I make things happen.

So now I find myself in a situation way, way out of my comfort zone. I cant make a decision. I dont know whats going to happen. Everything is changing. Everything is up in the air. Every cell in my body is screaming at me to take the reins but these are not my choices to make.

After all these years of not caring, of being able to switch my emotions on and off, of thinking nothing of running away and starting again, I finally...settled down. Not necessarily geographically, but I put down roots and they are being ripped out against my will. Regardless of what happens, nothing is going to be the same, and I need to have faith in the people around me that they will make this easy for me. I can try all I like, but it goes both ways.

I know that whatever happens, I will make the best of it, and there are definite positives on the horizon, but its not what I want, and thats what this all boils down to. Im happy right now. Will I be happy in my new life? Yes, probably, because Ive become very adept at making myself happy. But it wont be the same. Friends are not interchangeable. I know that now.

I just want MY life, the one I built. I dont want to have to take a new one and make it my own. I dont want to start again.

Im scared.

And I miss apostrophes.

x

I need to update this

but I have nothing to say

Wow! Thankyouthankyouthankyou for all yr lovely comments on my set...I haven't had chance to reply to all of them yet but I will soon!

I've overwhelmed by all yr kind words, this set was very strange for me, I was wearing hardly any make-up, there was very little styling and I showed more of my body than I ever have before, so to have such a positive response was amazing, thankyou

It definitely shows the evolved version of me, and it's such an accurate representation of the person I have become in recent months, For those of you who keep up with my journal, you'll know that times have been a-changing, I've gone from being an insecure, paranoid little girl with absolutely no self worth, to a confident 'grown-up'.

Just compare this to my last two MR submissions. Feeling disillusioned with the whole site, I decided to shoot what I thought SG wanted to see. Not being a mad-at-the-world girl with heavy black eye make-up and platform shoes anymore, who was I? Obviously not a pin-up, or a cutesy girl in pigtails and pink pajamas. When I look at how uncomfortable I look in those sets, and then look at 'Dry Season', I can't help but laugh.

So now you know. This set going live would be the perfect summary of the last few months, and truly the end of an era. I'm taking this as a TRIUMPH of new vs old. I'm so happy right now, and trust me, it's not a feeling I'm used to. And the best bit of it all?

I fucking deserve it.

x

EDIT because I'm still sober and apparently can't tell the time

So I hope you like it, it's so different from anything else I've shot, I'm smiling in a few shots for one!

I wanted to recreate the whole FHM/Maxim look, and just shoot something that shows that I can be sexy - don't get me wrong, I love my other sets but this is a side of me I don't think SG has really seen before (literally, haha ) And Benten was the perfect photographer for this, little sex-kitten that she is.

We shot it in Sigiewi in Malta, a few feet away from where Clariss was shooting her set of the same name. This set is always going to be a reminder of an amazing holiday with some of my favourite girls on this earth, god I wish I was still there with them, in the sunshine, with cheap wine and a hammock.

But I'm not, I'm here in this cold, rainy country...so I hope this little glimpse of the summer brightens all of yr days!

Some of my faves from the set







Now...go look at my tits!

xxx

So, of course the correct answer to my question was sitting at yr computer waiting for my BRAND NEW! IMPROVED! naked pictures to appear.

I'm SO excited for you all to see this set, Dry Season, we (Benten being the photographer) shot it back in July, in Malta...I think you'll see a different side to me!

Not long now...

So, uh, hey, what you doing on Sunday?





xxx