why does my guy have to bitch at me at the end of a wonderful night?

oh wait I know why...because I already have enough stress as it is aparently tonight he is blind and doesn't remember those things.

Believe that no one can harm us but ourselves; that sin is misdirected energy; that there is no devil but fear; and that the universe is planned for good. We know that work is a blessing; that Winter is as necessary as Summer, that Night is as as useful as Day, that death is a manifestation of Life, and just as good. I believe in the Now & Here. I believe in you & I believe in a power that is in ourselves that makes for righteousness.

-Elbert Hubbard- 1927

from kaiser


I HATE MY JOB
I HATE MY JOB
I HATE MY JOB
I HATE MY JOB
I HATE MY JOB


i may have a new job


*new job*
*new job*
PLEASE!
for the love of Luna.


I wish i didn't pawn my guns.
I wish for xmas somone would buy my the anarchists cookbook... if they are still around.
I feel like being mean, and viscious, and evil.
I want to commit sin and make it last.
I want to destroy the world.


I wish there were a new set in que... but there is not.

You know what i think is pretty interesting. is that i am kind of a lurker... an suicide girl lurker. sometimes i just read a lot about people and everytime someone leaves me a comment or a message i read it and think to myself some thoughts then go see there journal. and then i just cruise around. does this make me a bad suicidegirl?
today someone left me a comment and i couldn't recall when we had begun talking... so i went investigating and looked around saw what he was about and what an interesting fellow. i feel like a stalker .
but...
sometimes being in the position of sg is difficult i really don't fancy the idea of sitting on my computer for 5 hours of my day. but i do small check ups.
see who fell off the world and landed in my corner of cyberspace.


well now you know a secret .... i love stalking members and they will never know.
so if you ever feel like someone is following you in here. it might be me.

if you haven't read about my crazy abortion lady story its in my last journal... please do.

i am almost healed thank gawd. there are two places on my face that still hurt. one is right underneath my eye and then somewhere in a nasal cavity.
no blood. i almost had something crunchy today...but then it just got slobbery.
so ..whatever.
bahamas on friday for a three day cruise... my little honey bunny butt bought for our one year anniversery. so now that means that it has to be the fantastic sex, i have already started packing the bridle and nipple clamps...and you probably think i am joking.
i shot a new set... its on a motorcycle... its still in the works right now. resizin and junk... but hey guess whose birthdya is today? its yuriel birthday everyone go wish him some love and cake.

ok.. i feel like i need a nap.

if you feel like getting stalked by myself i suggest you write me a very interesting comment. something sick and twisted, and the stalking will then commence.

yesterday i had to have some of my surgery... and it wasn't that terrible...i feel fine today.it looks like they don't have to tear open everything they were planning on... which is good because 1. less tearing open my body is good 2. that means it will cost me less.yeah.
the weird thing that happened to me is after i was finished for the day i walked outside waiting to be picked up.cause i couldn't drive. and i was at the hospital... at the hospital! when as i am leaning against a wall with a mouth full of gauze and blood,there happened to be this little old lady that walked up to me. and by now i am loopy and sick to my stomach and not in the mood to talk... even if i was able to talk.
so little old lady... with an armfull of pamphlets and a portable dvd player. i can't remember what she begain to say to me...as i was feeling like a fuzzball at the moment. but she says over and over"you need to see this, you need to understnad this. blah , blah blah blah. and she shoves a pamphlet in my face... full of aborted fetus and crosses all over it... saying something of the sort of how the horror to women... and how women are being used for evil... some sort of nonsense... i still haven't said a word to her by this point... and don't take a pamphlet. so she lifts up her dvd player and cranks up the volume, to some woman having a back alleyabortion screaming bloody murder, and from what i can tell is at least 8 months pregnant... and at that point i did what any reasonable person would have done after being under the knife for three hours. i spat blood at her.
...but even after blood spatting, she moved to the side and now started howling and screaching about prolife...nonsense.
at this point i am just spitting blood to the side hoping she will just get grossed out and leave. when some huge ganster thug came up screaming at her with all the joys of ebonics. saying what the fuck are you doing to that poor girl.. what the fuck are you doing with that fucking tv..(pointing to abortion dvd). you leave her alone. and she tries to defend herself by saying ..she has a god given right...yada yada... and i can't recall exactly what he said.. but it made her run away fast. <sigh> my hero. he then asked me if i was okay and if i needed to go back into the hospital...(cause i was spitting out blood) and i attempted to say i was waiting for my boyfriend. and he then said he had to go catch his bus. what a sweatheart.


but now i feel fine.

almost tip top... which i am pretty surprised... but for some soreness.

i am going to the bahamas next weekend...yeah!
have to work a lot this week... not excited.
i haven't been on a lot..but that is goign to change... i was just noticing that i wouls stay on the computer for 5 hours a day or more... and it was starting to weird me out a bit.




here is a pic of juan and i last year.

hey... i guess its been a long time since i have been on here. but the usual crrazy crap happens and thing go all blah.
so i went camping... haven't been in years. and low an d behold... on campsites now adays... they have wireless interent... wish i would have known
um... i am going to the bahamas on the 18th.
i have to go in for s little surgery on the 11 and 27... dental... not anything weird or enhancing.
but because i am not really in the mood to type i will just put some new pics up from a new photo guy i shot with.. just for fun... he was thinking about sg... so you can tell me what you think.

I am so bored.


bored bored bored.


i think i am going to go harass people... find someone... go to bar.

i think i am going to quit dancing... i just really dont want to do it anymore... but then again.

i really want to redo the livingroom.

hmmm...
smitty
he came back...

started to alphabetize the dvd collection..
the cat loves me again.
um.... i am shooting with someone new next week.
and the boy is starting to fiddle with the camera a bit now as well...
this means some new sets to be comming soon.

please tell me something about yourself that i would not know... i am bored.

I sold three paintings to Aaron of Nine Inch Nails. long drive but worth the awsome concert.
very nice man.
Trent Reznor bulked up, and shaved his head... it looks really nice, felt sort of stupid for not recognizing him.

I am not sure if its a "just me" thing or not... but I remember when i was younger and I was so obsessed with bands and stuff. I knew everything about them, what there new haircut was, where they were in the country, if they had a family or not... all the really um... what i would consider crazy stalker stuff. But now I couldn't tell you a damn thing about some of my favorite bands. And everytime I have gone backstage for on reason or another I feel really out of the loop, only because I am not updated on what is going on.

Nothing new is going on in my life, but I did redo my upstairs bathroom... now it has sort of a "tiki room " theme... now i have the living room and the kitchen to finish...
i have a contractor working on my new master bedroom... I still need to figure out how to put an egress window in... i think i am already getting raped up the ass with this contracting company... so i am going to have to build the bedroom myself. lame.
it is sad to think that i only have a few weeks left of summer before i go back to school. but its my last year.. i finally made it. i will have my bfa by may of next year.

then I can do anything.

I have been working on my trapeze lessons, I have another class tomorrow...
and i will say it is the hardest workout i have ever done... a friend of mine wants to start a burlesque show in November and i am super excited to do it. So i am working my ass off on the silk ropes and rings and trapeze so that i can do something for it... I would have to think of a theme to do it too... so if anyone has any ideas for a burlesque skit... lemme know.


xoxoxo
D

so i guess i am going to milwaukie on sunday... to go see NIN with MaiTai.
that will be fun.


also on sunday i am starting an arial dance troupe... so i will be learning all the circus ole stuff...i am aware i spelt it wrong.


Otoki and i have really been into crossword puzzles lately ... we are such dorks...


and i started priming my bathroom last night to paint today... whenever otokis "brendi" comes over witht he paint.


My juan is a total sweetheart. i love him more and more everyday. ... except today when he woke me up a little too early... that wasn't love that was some inner depth of evil, and anger... but with an underliner of love.


the new look is still getting me confused. it has been taking me longer to actually figure stuff out... but i am doing it.
tonight i am going to the independent , if anyone would like to venture to it.
i cleaned my room...
i fed the cat...
i'm goign to go clean my car out...
and... you guys are cool...
and i can see my typos... but i am going to go clean.
xoxoxo
D