I have no motivation.

I am lonely.

I rolled over in my bed this morning and thought, why bother getting up, to face another day where nothing happens, same old same old.

My blogs used to be fun, i used to be fun, i'm trying desperatly to reclaim that, but things and people keep chipping away at my esteem, and i end up feeling like, well, like this.

More than anything in life, all i want is a hug, a huge hug, that just envelopes me, and for me to feel loved and safe. Mind you, i can guarantee that won't happen today. Or tomorrow.

Maybe i've just listened to too much emo. Or maybe i haven't listened to enough.

I want to DO something, y'know? Just, change it. And it seems like it's the hardest thing to do.

Oh dear.

I must never get a bottle of gin and turn on this blasted machine again.

I apologize for the drunken messages i sent. And the msn conversations. And the comments. I think they were alright to be honest, it was the drunken display when i got to town that i REALLY need to apologize for.

Let's just say, i caused quite a scene.

And now i've got quite a hungover head on me. And lots of boys phone numbers in my phone that i don't remember getting.

My friend wants to go to the zoo later, i think i'll vomit on the animals. Maybe on the rhinosaur. Cooooool.

I may very well be going to see Strung Out next month.

Strung Out are my favourite band, like ever. I'm not getting my hopes up, cuz i don't really think i can get the time off work, but i need to go. I bought the tickets and everything, something tells me i'm going regardless. But i've always been haunted with never actually getting to see them, 2 near misses, and i REALLY want to see them.



Plus, i'll get to see some wonderful people in Scotland again. And some new people too i hope.

Aaagghh, i may explode with the excitement at seeing strung out, FINALLY.

Oh my goodness. How do you people do it? How do you find me on bebo? One person from here,(who shall remain nameless, even if i do think he's a star) found me, and now someone else from an old site that i haven't been on in at least 5 years found me. Goodness. I though my bebo was sacred. But i'm glad i've been found by these two.

Anyway, i was on another hiatus. Due to study you understand. And i wanted to update before i cut the chord to internet land, cuz that blog was so so personal, and well, upsetting. And i never got a chance to. So, thank you for the comments, but i'm not going to reply, cuz it's sort of hard still.

Onwards and upwards eh?

Well, let me have my rant first. Like i said i was studying. So, for 2 whole weeks, my social life was suspended, and all i've done is bury my head in books. And i was going great guns, really taking it in. And i love my brain. It was all just information, floating around inside my beautiful brain, and somehow, CLICK, it became tangible, decent formulated thoughts, that i was so proud of, cuz these financial gems were coming from ME. And i went into that exam confident. All i had to do was transfer these wonderful gems from my brain to paper in 3 hours. Piece of piss. And when i saw the paper, it was like it was written for me. It all made sense, and i got stuck in. 2 hours into the exam, we were told, finish up people, time's up. And you better believe i caused a scene. 2 FUCKING HOURS???? OUR EXAM WAS 3 HOURS. OR SUPPOSED TO BE. Turns out the lecturer got it wrong. So i had a whole question left to answer, and well, i know that with what i HAD gotton done, i've probably passed, but it's the issue of either the lecturer or the institute running the course getting it so so wrong. I've already complained, but i'm not letting this one go people.

But, i am finished studying till September. Hooray.

So, today, in my first day off in weeks, i'm not going to bother getting dressed. No, i'm going to sit in my jim jams all day, and watch rubbish telly.

So, i actually have no news of any worth. Just study, hissy fits and jim jams, sums me up just fine. Don't you agree?

Right, i'm off for some hardcore lazing. IT IS A FUCKING WORD DAVE. I'LL SCRABBLE YOU.

I should probably address some things.

Most specifically, my new set.

I wanted this set, like everyone else, to really say something about me. Unfortunatly, what i had to say at that precise moment in time was a little more downbeat.

To explain: 12 months ago i walked away from my relationship with a very special person. I thought long and hard about it, and i felt i could give no more to that relationship. Every day, looking at this person that loved me regardless knowing that i could never give them enough in return, began to kill me. And then one day, precisely a year ago, i threw it all away. And it destroyed me.

That person was my world, had been for a long time, and when i walked away, i lost more than just him. Friends suddenly wanted nothing more to do with me, as i had broken someone that i was supposed to have loved. I was left with very little. I can't articulate how lost i was. I had lost my best friend, entirley through my own doing, and every day i woke up thinking i'd just done the stupidest thing of my life, and i had no-one and nothing to get me through it.

Fairly soon after, it all got too much. And i just needed something to get my mind off all the thoughts racing though it. And god knows i tried. And along came all these people, all these shallow dissappointments. Each one cutting me more and more. I desperatly needed a friend, and all i found were people who will take you for what you can give. I can count how many decent people i've met in the last year on one hand. I need many hands and fingers to count the scum, and the liars, and the people that let me down.

So i started to spend an amount of time alone. And to be honest, that was a really bad idea, I was alone, with all my thoughts, and i slowly felt myself losing control.

I never told anyone, i couldn't. No-one knew, no-one still knows. No-one knows the things i've done, the things i've been through. Not one person. And that's not about to change. This isn't meant to be a wallowing entry.

Somewhere along the way, i found some things that got me through it, And where i am now, i can appreciate that i made the right choices, Hard, life changing choices, but the right ones. And the last year, made me a stronger person. I'm not there yet, but i'm getting there.

This is the most honest i've ever been on this site, and i don't quite know i'm being this honest now. I guess i just wanted to share where that set came from. And i am forever indebted to Cherry, for capturing exactly what i wanted. Might not be what people want to see, but it's the story i want to tell.



Like i said, i'm coming out the other side, and happier blogs soon, i swear. I just wanted to get this one off my chest first.

Phew.

I had a bit of a break. Did you miss me?

My pilgrimage went very well thank you. Me and Raistlyn didn't kill each other, surprisingly, although we did have one or two wobbles. Although i think i have to be nice to him, as he has video footage of me driving, somewhat recklessly, whilst singing AND dancing along to Sean Paul. I HAVE NO SHAME. And a photo of me hula hooping in the middle of a square in Castlebar. I was all over the gaff.

And KC, i DID beep my horn on my little Nigel driving by you. Both directions, but you may not have heard me. I'm such a quiet girl really. And discreet...... Oh wait.

So, i had a break. Did you notice? Probably not, cuz i've still been here, just taken a back seat for a while, but i say hells to that. And after my 2 week sabbatical, nothing has really changed.

Let's make stuff up. I eat dogs. And children, but only on a wednesday.

I'm off on my holidays next week, bloody excited, let me tell you. Y'know why? Cuz i'm going to see the Ataris on my travels. Hells yes. I do not give the slightest rats ass if that makes me less cool or whatev, i was never cool to start with, and i'm proud. I love the ataris. Like, LOVE THEM. I saw them 6 years ago in Dublin supporting the Vandals, who i hate. I just wanted to see the Ataris, and i'm so fucking excited about seeing them again. Oh god, i may asplode.



I know everyone that like the ataris has an opinion, they either hate the new stuff or love it. I love it. But i DO love the old stuff, so, here:



Ha, i am so lame.

I'm off to bed, to read, and dream of Chris Roe. Ahhhhhhh.

Night fuckers.

I do like an adventure.

And the heavy smell in the air, when it's JUST about to rain.

Yup, i'm off on an adventure. Sure, my bags aren't packed yet. And i really shouldn't. But me, Nigel, and Raistlyn are off on a trip. There's an awful lot of my little country i've not seen. And i don't think i'll see anymore of it in the next few days, but i'll drive on through it at least. VaugelyChilly, you might want to keep off the roads tomorrow. I'm going to Knock. Oh yes, on a pilgrimage. As it were.

Sometimes, i am truly baffled by how amazing the girls on this site are.

And i have a new internet crush.

Now if you're not in the mood to read a rant, well then look right the fuck away now.

Today's rant is more ranty than my usual rants. Today i am angry. Yes, i have the angry hat on, and i'm sure as shit wearing it well.

See:

Where will i start? Let's do it chronologically.

Thursday, my "friend" rung me asking me to go away with him on saturday. Sounded nice, i said yes. Now i say "friend" beacuse, no, we're not actually friends at all. We dated. He cocked it up, and now we've decided to be friends. And today is saturday. We were meant to be going to west cork today, and 10 this morning. Seeing as i'm writing a blog at 1.30 you can pretty much be sure he bailed. AGAIN. This is why we didn't go on any more than 2 dates.

My friends tell me i never learn.

But wait, there is further evidence of this.

Some of you might know that my best friend is also on this site. He is, and i love him very very much.



And he had a barbeque last night, and most of the night was spent getting relationship advice from his sister, his cousin and his other cousins girlfriend. Apparantly it's mind-boggling that someone like me can't find a man. But this is true. Y'know, when they poke and prod and delve into your personal life, you leave that conversation feeliing like shit. And i do. But i'm very happy to inform you that the conclusion they all came to from this conversation is that i should just make do. Yes, me and Raistlyn should just go out. Despite the fact we work long and hard on our friendship, and make sure that no, we don't do anything silly that would balls it up. But they think otherwise.

So, i was stood up, and got a minefield of relationship "advice" to help me bag a man.

I never learn. None more so than with petty little boys that i'm WAY too good for. But today is all about learning. Learning that i'm wasting my time. And that i'm not going to anymore.

Might be cryptic, but i'm really hurt and upset at the moment, and well, this place isnt' for that emo-ness anymore. I'm going to delete the rest of this paragraph, for personal reasons. I'm off to sit in the sun and drink malibu till i fall over. It'll only take 2 glasses of malibu and fizzy pop.

But i think the worst thing of all, well, i told you we had a barbeque last night, and Dave made me do all the cooking, cuz he mistreats me, y'know. My hair now smells of bonfire. I'm like a bloody pikey.

Would you like to buy a couch?

At least i have good friends, who wear silly hats with me, to cheer me up. This is good.

I hate when you've written a HUGE blog, and then you delete it. Cuz really i'm not that smart. I do it, more than anyone should. It's why i post so infrequently lately, cuz i keep deleting it.

So, to summarise:

I got offered a new job. On the spot, in the interview,I'm not going to take it, but it is really nice to be wanted. Still feel guilty, like i've wasted their time now though, but it wouldn't be enough of a challange for me, and that's what i need, otherwise i'll get restless and leave in a few months.

I had a lovely guest this weekend. Iannnnnn came to stay, and he's a great guest.We had fun. Even if he did drunkenly text my mum.

I had a very pleasant msn conversation out of the blue, and it cheered me up. It's weird to see you back on my friends list, but i hope we don't balls it up again. You're nice, and i've missed our chats.

Someone sent me scrabble, cuz i've never played boaord games. Ever. And they remembered me saying it, and sent me travel scrabble so that i can bully people into playing it on trips. THANK YOU.

I'm pregnant. Apparantly. Not actually, but the rumour mill is in over drive. I don't even have anyone to knock me up, as i informed people in work, so it must be a fucking miracle. Despite the fact i'm bleeding too. I offered to show people to prove i'm not pregnant. I was told i was vile.

I love Sparrow. She is something special.

Raistlyn makes me laugh. I'm the least listless person he knows, completly ruining all his theories. But sometimes, not very often he says very, very nice things, and really makes me think. Like earlier. Thank you lumpy, and i know you're right.

I have very good friends.

Cryptic eh?

And i hope you all remembered to say your white rabbits.

I have this book, and when things are all getting to me, i sit on, not in, on my bed, and read it. It has some wonderful gems that just see me through the little bumpy patches.

So, i've decided to go back into hibernation. Not force things. I'm not exactly hiding away. Just letting things happen of their own accord. Lately things just have been, well, sort of all over the place. So, i'm just taking a step back and doing "me" things.

In saying that, i've had SUCH a great week or so. I mean, i really had a fantastic time in Brighton last week. I met some amazing beautiful people, and spent some time getting to know other people a bit better, and well, it was just a great time. And since then, things have been alright.

I have a confession. I was so so scared to get in my car. Didn't think i'd ever be able to drive. I mean, i knew i knew how to drive, but i was just, scared. But on thursday i took a notion to take my little car out. So i did. And i spent to whole weekend driving. And it's made me see i can do anything i put my mind to. I spent the weekend hanging out with my mum, driving her places, and taking her for trips. We're a right pair.

So, i was all excited about all my driving expiditions, and came home this evening to some good news.

All the cool kids are going, see you there.