Surgery again in five hours...replacing my entire Spinal Column Stimulator...hospital stay for at least another two weeks...


I will be ok...I will get through this cause I'm a fighter!





HAHA I look like shit but my hoodie rocks!!


My kitty Booga...he is the cutest...besides Autry's kitty of course...






Ok this is the best ever!!




I love you Autry Tankytank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ps I go into surg. at 11am my time so thats like 10am your time...should be outta there in about 2-6 hours later...smooooches!!

I love you Germany
London and pdxMatt I send my love to you two toooos!

Sitting alone on a hospital bed again...
An I.V. in both arms...machines monitoring my nerves and my vitals...plus I'm attached to oxygen suplementation
A catheter about 8g in size the left side of my neck delivering numbing medication directly on my nerves that control my
left side...I cant talk...I cant see very well out of my left eye, and worst part is I cant tell when I've got to go to the bathroom...nor can I walk...
My diet consists basically of meds...Neurontin, Methadone, Dilaudid, Baclofen, Elavil, Cymbalta, Effexor, Halcion, Amoxicillin, Prednisone, Theophylline, Pulmicort and nebulizer treatments every 4-6 hours...lovely respiratory therapist comes and pounds on my back and chest to help me breath better GODDAMN BRONCHITIS!!!....ohh and food if tolerated....and of course loads of suppliments/vitamins...
Thank you 2006 You're fuckin proving to fantastic!

Smile fo me daddy
Let me see ya grill
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill

So who wants to trade lifes...cant get much better then the one I got here....



I wont be online much for quite awhile...I love you all!!


I love you Autism!!!

So it's practically 2006...and I've already made some changes...my hair for starters...I expect this year to bring many exciting and fulfilling adventures. I only have one New Year's resolution though...I just want to feel better and be healthy. If anyone is out there that could make this possible...you are my hero...but deep down I know there isn't anyone that extraordinary...dont get me wrong, there are a magical few that have been and have recently come into my life...and they are beyond heroes to me...
My mom has been with me since day one...holding my hand as I fight my battles...there's Autry who has just been unbelievably ahhhhhhmazing, and yeah I really cannot find the perfect words for her but believe me they are the best one could possibly recieve...she is the proud owner of a very special place in my heart...forever and always!...Germany I love you beyond explanation...you have been such an inspiration and great friend through good and bad times...I will always feel this way about you through all things that may come...London shit girlll could you be any more awesome...we can talk about anything...even find humour in the most wackiest decorated house...those poor poor teddy bears...hahaha I love you!!! So many wonderful people I can't even begin to list because that would take me until 2007...I love you all...All you beautiful SG ladies you are alll MARVOLOUS...never let anyone tell you otherwise...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

For god's sake Libby just show 'em the pics already....
Me mum n me...


So yeah hawks be gone and that lovely hoodie says PoopStain on it...yay!!


Here we go yo Here we go yo!...so what's so what's the scenario!


Not really entertained...after 2 valium


Explains all...


Perfect head...pffttt!! What about what's inside...is that perfect? hahaha


Artsy Fartsy...


ps I have worms....

And a big shout out to PDXMatt for being one of the few most awesomest guys I know...You fuckin rock dude...love ya always!!

Brought to you by....

I might just live up to my name...

stomach butterflies and poopstain belt buckles...
eating chili and then farting so much the parents leave the room...
screaming into pillows and drinking..the 'Passion"
El Grillo for tacos and eating on trashcans while playing 'Your Team' haha
not showering for days and naked photosets with chocolate stains
weird house with teddybears strangled in lights and fucked up panics
punkslut and tankgirl and random yells of "I deserve a fuck in the ass!" and "But we dont have any mothers!"
the smell of cigarettes and sugar waffer cookie lotion and random bouts of Ripper ass lingering brings me to tears
shaved heads and walking in the freshly fallen snow downtown
looking into her beautiful eyes for what seemed like hours and knowing and feeling completely at peace
hanging out with my riotress and sharing pictures and adventures and memories
nearly passing out at a party and making fun of dancing people
going to fred meyers together to purchase the most absurd items and laughing till we nearly wet ourselves
I could go on and on because there was so much amazingness and even the hard times couldn't compare
I wish I could live in that moment forever...this will always be the best moment I've ever had...my feelings, my thoughts, my love will never change nor be negative in any way, to me you are perfect and my most precious and special place in my heart will always belong to you...however bold that may be...it's true






~ps Happy Holidays to everyone...and although mine are quite shitty I wish you all the best and hope you all stay safe this year...

I hate my pillz...I hate my body...I hate my head...I feel inadequate...



This was funny....



some crazy Portlanders are abusing teddy bears....

I wish I could go dancing in moonlight like when I was five I had no are in the world and green bean caserole and buttered popcorn didn't know eachother like they do now cause for some reason my butt crack itches but I cant seem to find my vanilla flavored condom....

I can...
act like the biggest dork...
fart, queef, belch, snarf, sneeze, and
even scratch my butt crack...
cry, like cry as if I were alone...cry..
look like the most doped up retard..
while drooling on myself and making
absolutely no sense...
talk about anything...and I mean anything...
be gently shoved into the crack for trying...
be dirty...like not take a shower for days...
I can be myself...the girl that few get to know and see...
my true colours...you make me a better person...
You are in many ways...my 'better half'...if you weren't in my life..I haven't any clue where I would be now...thank you for helping me smile again...for making me happy...for being you, the most amazingly beautiful person I know....Love is Unforgetable You!

must be a flattering old man with a well tanned skin,
rugged features and white side whiskers. choose the timing and manner have a water fight with me.
but before all that merryment great rock and roll, drinks, party-favors, glowsticks, and a free midnight champagne toast! peanut butter nightmares and scares of not breathing...bring this season to an ending of 23 udders. chocolate balls of orange and red filled with caramel and nuts roasting over a fire And the best part is there was a line around the block with people that could not get in....I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to, "teach me a lesson"...
random thoughts build up in my head from time to time and need to escape...kind of like excessive gas...it's better to just release it then getting a stomachache...

just.....

buenos dias....

blueberry pie goes good with spinich dreams and thick peanut butter sandwiches...I wanna dance in the moonlight and forever be held in your arms ....stuck in the moment and eternally looking into those beautiful eyes...

you have given me my smile back