soooooo I'm back from Cali...sorry for not hanging out with any of you fine peoples...things were really kind of fucked up but all in all I had a fuckin insane adventure...including hitchhiking...dancing my ass off...finally getting some ass...yes I got ass I got ass!! ok anyways...here's some recent pics...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO....tomorrow I'm leaving for California, hitting San Diego first...so if anyone is in San Diego wants to meet or say hello...I'll be all over San Diego...come find me...and then it's L.A. and Ventura/Santa Barbara...
Chico...then off to Portland and then over back to Wyoming....yeah...talk about ROAD TRIP!!! Anyways I wont be around too much but I am ok and doing a lot better...and having fun...




hahahaha....

I'm leaving to go back to my mum's in Wyoming this Thursday the 2nd...
Goodbye Boston...but not for long cause I will be commutting back and
forth every other month or so...maybe once a month when I'm not doing to
well...

I'm going to miss so many wonderful people...
pheonixshadow
Alyk you have been my guardian angel/surrogate mother...I dont know how to ever thank you enough!!! seriously love you lady and the wonderful man by your side!!
Poppy I love you girl...so bummed we didnt get to spend more time together...
MaryAnn Panty Girl and PoopStain for life!
Bailey
DIRT_PLUS_HURT
Doorwayin
ShellyMC
JoshXXX
Raedyn
Smuffy
just to name a few....









Surgery Pics...ouchie!!

I have no idea what these are...






Posin' nude with da pimpcane bitchezzz! haha

Ain't nothing but a Love Machine...

Not a tree hugger...but a pole hugger...


I'm so excited to see the two most important people in my life...




GoodNight...GoodBye!!
~LiBBy

So pale,
The girl lies upon the black
As if the pupil of some great giant
The pavement stares up at the sky
Only the little child is in the way

So white,
The dress she wears
That old swollen hands had made
Old hands that had sewn with love
The threads "just kept the love close"
Old hands
That sew no more

So brown,
Her hair whips about closed eyes
Reveling in the wind
Always combed, always brushed
So often repressed
A rare reprieve enjoyed

So fast,
Brakes apply
Unemotional wails fill air
Doors open
Hope and futility
Share forms

So red,
The blood has already dried
But paramedics try
The blood is everywhere
But still they try
The heart has stopped
But they still try
To keep the reaper away

So distant,
The black watches
As the girl laughs
As she flies between the clouds
As she joins the stars
No blood on her favourite dress
No pain anymore
Hair blown back

So dark,
The rain comes down
The black smiles to itself
As it weeps
As the tears wash away the red.

I'm so bummed...my SSI check didnt come this month (some lame mix up...I will be paid back on the first) but because it didnt come through...my phone is on a temporary shut off...I can recieve calls and text but cant call out or text out...I am so thankful for amazing people...I am staying with Alyk in Quincy and it has been so nice...she's my new surrogate mum...
I got two new tattoos...3 black rings on my ring finger and a lil skully with a polka dotted bow...
I have a new huge massive crush on this girl...her name is Kaitlyn...yep Kaitlyn and I miss my Autry soooo bad...I seriously feel lost without her presence...I wish Autry and Kaitlyn were here for my surgery...I'd have them get in my hospital bed with me and we'd watch cartoons or "Tank Girl" or "Garbage Pail Kids" *cries*
Anyways...all you Massholes should come visit me in da hospital!!!!

I am currently living there. It's been quite fun and definitely easy to save money. Seriously if you need a place, you should really consider this place.

Contact DIRT_PLUS_HURT here on SG...he's a extremely great guy who's easy-going, adventureous, down for just about anything, seriously funny most of the time, responsible to boot...really peoples...come and check it out!!!!

Two rooms available: one on Nov. 1st and one on Dec. 1st In Jamaica Plain Massachussetts baby!!!
If you're fun, easy-going, really open for total communication and like a 'household' style living experience (making meals, having movie nights, going on late night adventures finding cool stuff that people throw away, having open topic conversations, etc.), then really consider contacting me or my roommate listed above...

$367/month.
lease through end of AUGUST preferrable

HERE:
3 BDRM.
Front porch. Back porch.
Effectively FREE heat (second floor of a triple decker - stays warm from top and bottom) but on the colder side.
Other utilities - usual. Gas stove.
One short-haired retarded cat.
TV-less household and like it that way.
Veggie-friendly.
Meat-friendly.
Orientation-friendly.
Party-friendly.
Friendly-friendly.
Noisy. Urban. CHEAP.

The landlords don't pay us any mind but step in when necessary.
Lot's of freedom with the house.
Want to paint your room? Fine.
Want to build a loft in the living room? I like that idea.
Want to glue teddy bears to the hallway cieling? Not my thing but *Shrug* O.K.
Want to dig up edible roots and pickle them in the pantry? Great!
Whatever? Fine.

NEAR:
Block and a half to Forest HIlls [ORANGE LINE].
Half block to #39/#38 Bus stop.
Convenience/Liquor store, Laundromat, James' Gate (nice pub) across the street....
Harvest Food Co-op a few blocks down...

ME:
28 year old SWM artist/musician/recordist/adventurer/hang-out-er(?).
Non-smoker. Non-drugger. Occasional beer drinker.
Odd hours - but quiet when it matters.
Messy in my personal space - clean in common spaces.
Socially very far left of center. Politically the same but very inactive.
Very green. Cook. Sew.
I expect to respect and to be respected.
Hopefully moving to Norway August 2007 to study electrical engineering.

YOU:
Non-smoker (out on the porches is fine).
Non-drugger.
Drink in moderation.
Can cook and like to share meals.
Respect for energy conservation/recycling/etc.
Respect for house-common spaces.
Something creative about you. Full-on screwball even.


You'll save a lot of time or money living here....
What awesome thing(s) will you do with the extra?

-----------

"Thank you, come again."

I am just spiteful. I cannot bring myself to not be a bitter woman. I am this free spirited wishful thinker, and I have so much in my life that I have ever wanted. Yet I cannot seem to get a grasp on social ettiquette, my emotions towards others, and I cannot fucking stop wanting what I cant have! What the hell? Am I 5? In a dept store and my mother has told me no three times, yet each time it only makes me want that doll on the shelf that much more? Or have I retreated back to an old habit where I am much more content daydreaming and walking around in my own head in my fantasyland where everything is perfect, and I have no silly worrysome details, and there is always the perfect lady there to treat me like a lady. Thats a nasty habit. I like to lose myself in my daydreams but it only dissappoints me in real life. People treat me like a million dollars and make promises, but in the end they throw me out like yesterday's leftovers. All in all, it's just fucking wrong and fucked up the way people treat other people. Why cant people just be honest with me? Why cant I just live in my daydreams? Where everything is peaceful and just.

I dread that I will become that girl not unlike Martha Plimpton's character in 200 ciggerettes, where she spends the evening being bitter because she thinks no one is coming to her party and her her best friend is hooking up with her ex. *tosses sandwich at the TV screen while "Love Story" is playing. "Fuck you Mutherfuckers"


I just want to be treated like a person, who has feelings and dreams of her own. Not like some crippled and frigid freak...

Ohhhh...Does anyone know where I might be able to get a bed? I have like no money at the moment so it's got to be free or super cheap...or donated? If anyone knows, just let me know....

Care Bears Cant Rescue This Burnt Cookie...
I'm seriously down today...
I feel like all my friends are pushing me away...
Not to mention...it seems like almost every day/night
I'm having to go to the ER for pain relief or bloodclots or
something else...My time and days have been revolving around
whether or not I'm close to a hospital or my new place so I can go
pass out...I'm truely sorry to those I've said I would hang out
or meet up with and not done so...It's not easy right now...
Seriously!!

Anyways...out of depressing times comes loads of writing...
So here goes...


~Crazy~

To those who can

I walked around in circles,
All in my head,
They call me crazy,
I call myself dead.

I cant get the images out of my head,
All those things I see,
Put me in this bed.

Im strapped down,
From my wrist to my feet,
All I can think is,
Oh God why cant I just breath?

I have no place to call home
For sure now,
Im all alone.

They took my soul,
Then threw it away,
I now know I shouldnt have ever told them all the things I see,
Inside me they creep,
Man this time Im in deep.

All the nightmares I have make me weary,
I cant sleep,
So they give me a pill
I drift away with out a struggle,
My body goes numb,
I cant fight it any longer.

Im getting weaker by the hour,
My skin is sun deprived,
I no longer feel the hunger,
I no longer fight for my rights.

All I wanted was a little help,
To talk to some one who knew how it felt,
Bad luck is what I have,
should have left way back when
Because now its to late to be gone

I'm not crazy!!
I just never wanted to sleep,
I just wanted all the nightmares to go away,
Though now I just want to die

At first they put me in just a white room.
With absolutely nothing to do,
Believe me you would want to die too.

I found a piece of glass,
I could no longer fight the urge,
I started to give in to those things I saw,
I was red up and down head to toe,
But it wasnt enough.

They found me so they say just in time
Though as I put it,
They found me before I had a chance to die.

So now I sit strapped all the way around,
They wired my mouth shut,
I no longer have a voice,
Because when I became desperate
I bit off my tongue,
Never had the chance to bleed to death.

Now I'll admit,
I'm crazy with in,
It's all because of them,
That I am what I am .

I was just a normal kid,
Just was a little worried with in,
Those things a saw scared every part of me,
Though it's nothing like what theyve done to me.

Will I ever be set free?
Please, please just let me be!
Do you see now why I want to leave?
See this is why I bleed

These things youve done is worst then I anyone can dream,
It's worst then those things I see.
You stupid hypocrites, you said I can do this
when indeed you cant
Now I'm crazy
Now, it will never be ok ever again.

You took my money and laughed out loud,
while I sit here and drown
And I still see those things in my head


~Do You UnderStand?~

Do you just wonder why you feel like it's all falling apart,
Have you ever sat alone in the dark?
Have you ever tried to under stand?
How to pick it all up again?

How many nights,
Have you lain awake?
Just wishing you werent a mistake,
Just wishing life would give you a break,

How many times,
Have you wanted to say goodbye,
But never had the guts,
To even try

Have you ever cut yourself so deep?
That it didnt even bleed,
Have you ever felt so weak?
That you could even breathe?

Do you just wish you could die?
Or maybe even fly,
Or maybe,
You just want to know why,
I am writing this rhyme


~Old Feelings~

To old feelings that some times just don't go away

Let it bleed,
So everyone will see,
The real me.

What hurts me so deep,
Is the hypocrisy I see,
See how she lied to me?
Twisted my brain till I was mocked,
Melted my feelings to a heartless block,
There I stood only in shock.

If you could feel the way I do for just a day,
I know for a fact you wouldnt want to stay.
I still dont know what I would say,
If I saw her face to face.

Would I see a glimpse of me?
Or would I smile because it would be a strangers face
That no longer has the best of what I used to be.

See me sit dead,
Finally at peace.


~Let Me~

Let me bleed,
Let me be,
Let me see for myself,
What this is doing to me,

Let time pass,
Let me break the glass,
Let me cut my face
So I can be scared of this fate,

Let me walk,
Let me talk,
Let me go on and on,
Let me see where I went wrong,

Let her face wither from my brain,
Let her love be erased from this game
Let me find some one new,
So I will quit bothering you

Let the light leave my eyes,
Let me find my own way to say goodbye,
Let me cry,
But please dont let me die...


~One More Time~
I was told I write to deep,
And this poem is turning out really cheap.

I'm crying while I write this,
Cant you see the tear stained pages?

I really want to write something cheerful,
Though I cant seem to think of anything that rhymes with meaningful.

Crap I'm stuck in a rut,
Oh hell ,how about one more lost rhyme.

Here I go,
one more time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STOP
Did I catch your eye?
Are you focused on just my on going sad rhymes
If your wondering,
I have no idea why.

REMEMBER.to add this to each of the following sentences.
To tell me what you think of this message,
To yell at me when its starts to get off track
I'm just a girl,
I often forget this.

FORGET
All your problems for just one day,
The need to give up,
What its like to be lonely.

LOVE
Like it will never hurt,
Like you could die if you held it in much more,
Like your young again,

You get my point?

BE
All that you are,
Like your not scared at all,
Your best even though your not all there right now.

TALK
Is cheap when its all you want to believe.
is so sad when nothing good is said,

I wish
You could be me for just one day.
I could live my way this time around.
You would in joy this rhyme..
This time.


~Dont Need~
To the hand I hold

I dont need,
Big and power full words,
To make this poem famous,

I dont need,
The perfect place,
Or the right time,
To feel inspiration.

I dont need a long vacation,
To rid my worried soul,
I dont need a card and a dozen roses to feel loved or whole

All I need,
Is a hand to hold.

To grip when I'm nervous,
To feel when I'm anxious,
To pull me up when Im ready to fall,
I just need it to be there all in all.

I just need to know,
That some one cares,
And has taken the time,
To believe in my life,
Is that so wrong?

No I dont think so,
Because I know we all wish for it,
At one point in this world,
So please dont say Im dependent on her,
To get me though all these rough roads ahead,
Because really I can do it on my own,
It would just be nice to know shes by my side,
To make sure Im alright.
Isn't that nice?









Love Ya!!
~LiBBy

Isn't that just puurrrdddy!!!?

That's what happens to my foot when I'm sick...

In other news....I'm in JP now...

I call this Insane with MaryJane

The night I found you
I fell off the earth...
I swirled and soared with the dancing Moon.
Into your arms I quietly slipped,
mortal binds ripped
as we gripped one electric star.

Gravity gone.
Flight trip.
Faded far.

Blue light shone through walls and floors.
You presented your gift
while I opened the doors,
and illusions ran in with heavenly sin.
You made the Moon grin,
the midnight melodies begin.

Seconds turned to years.
One day, an eternity of visions and signs.
I felt no time when you were mine.
I knew no love like the smoke screens of you.
Yet, then you were gone...
and I was, too.

While leaving, you whispered within my burnt brain...

Think of me always
while you go insane.


Just some fresh words of days past...from what I used to be...from what I've learned...
I haven't smoked weed in a long time...but some days I miss it and write about it instead...

and...A NEW RIPPER PIC!!!!
*cries* I miss my puppy...I wish upon a star ever night that I will find a way to get him here...with me...where he belongs!



ps...I have no hair...no more mohawk...it's time for miss Poopstain to start fresh and grow out the hair all at once...

Here's a couple more pics for kicks!!


I miss this hair doo...


Hope everyone is having a great weekend...Mine has been pretty fuckin cool...Good people=Good time

So lately I've been from Wyoming to Portland and now to Boston Mass...
A Lot has happened, and a lot hasn't happened, as it was planned, but that's ok cause I'm dealing with things as they come. Last few days I've been writting a shit ton, and eventhough my leg is realllly bad and my wheelchair is broken and I'm stuck in this apartment with no one to hang out with, I am content with things. This situation reminds me all too much of when I was in Wyoming. Stuck in a room with a TV and computer nearby, but no one to talk to...
Situations like these put me into a stage of reclusiveness. I become trapt in my own world and lost in my own mind.
It's not like it's really a bad thing. I mean it helps me focus on my writting...and seeing I've been getting sick on an every-3-hour-basis, I dont mind dealing with that on my own. I mean phoenixshadow is here, but most days he works, like "normal" people do. Let me just say, phoenixshadow is one fuckin kick ass guy. Seriously, any straight girl would be fuckin' lucky to have him. Hahaha Rocky Horror again tomoz is gonna be fab fab!! Hopefully I will be feeling better...
On another note, my disease is getting really bad. The pain and disappointment warps my mind and destroys my confidence. I just wish that one day I could just be happy and could just jump around and laugh without being thrown into a downward spiral of pain.

Anyways, here is some of my new writting...

LITTLE GIRL INSIDE
Harvest all the fears.
Rescue the little disenchanted girl
who is drowning in my tears...

Dry her off and keep her warm,
let her wish upon a star.
Let her know it may come true,
Bring her dreams back from afar.

And take away her cynisism,
and take away her pain.
Silence all her nightly tremors,
keep her calm and sane.

Offer her a caring world,
That which she has been denied.
Make it soft, and make it sweet,
So I can free this little girl inside.

APOLOGY
My head hangs with shame,
so embarrassed by the things I've done.
I open my eyes and see what I've lost.
Funny, I used to think I had won.

Our sweet memories
have been ripped apart.
All to satisfy a frivolous game
played by a careless heart.

Used you and abused you,
claimed you were nothing but a tool.
Confused you and then bruised you,
But it was I that played the fool.

For I care more than I care to show,
and you mean more than I'll ever let you know.

A friend and a lover,
a confidante undercover

And I tried to play you for a fool.

Tell me, is there nothing I could say,
to take all my bad deeds away?
From my heart, know this true,
I'm sorry for what I've done to you.

But please don't pretend to forgive me,
or tell me "everything's okay"
I know it's not.
Please, just turn and walk away.

MY DISEASE
Your words, they're obnoxious
They're making me sick
All these cuts and bruises
I'm bleeding in the core
Of my very being, It isn't here anymore
All I want is to go where I don't exist
A place where I lay broken
And your words, they are dismissed
All of my thoughts are questioning my beliefs
And all of my anger is becoming my disease
So many ways to live my life
Yet I'm living it now
Like I'm living a lie
You think you're gaining control over me
I'M NOT GIVING IN!
You don't even know me
And you can't control me
All I want is to go where I don't exist
A place where I lay broken
And your words, they are dismissed
All of my thoughts are questioning my beliefs
And all of my anger is becoming my disease
All I need is a little space
Just let me breath
Ripped open
I'm wrenched apart
Don't ask me questions
Don't ask me questions!
You never wanted to know from the start
Recovering from this pain
Set in stone - Watch me change
Nothing left
Except this disease in my veins
All I want is to go where I don't exist
A place where I lay broken
And your words, they are dismissed
All of my thoughts are questioning my beliefs
And all of my anger is becoming my disease!

MY DISEASE #2
This is my disease
I can't keep it in, my walls are falling apart
All I want to do
Is take this knife through your heart
I'm drowning in my sorrow
Perhaps I'm already dead (GONE)
My disease is pulling ahead
Causing these feelings of dread
Twisting and turning , I just hope to die (GOODBYE)
My disease has killed me inside
It's worked its way through my veins
Leaving me with all of this pain
My disease. It has consumed me! (CONTROL)
My disease. It has control! (TAKE HOLD)
Your words, they've been dismissed
And I no longer exist
This disease has taken over
I can't control myself
Your words play over and over
Sanity is just a fiery myth
My disease, it contorts my life
My disease, it consumes me
My disease, its spreading
My disease, it has infected you! (I'VE FOUND YOU)
Your words, they've been dismissed
And I no longer exist
This is my disease...

And Now for some PICS...































Maybe here soon I'll be able to hangout with some of you Massholes... i.e. Bostonians
Hope you all enjoy my writtings/pics
Love ya all!!

~ps ...ending up in the hospital two nights in a row and not getting home till almost 4am...by yourself...
isn't fun...just to let you all know...