I haven't been sleeping a lot lately. There are events that have induced this fact, but at the least it has given me time to reflect.

Recently, I was seeing someone. For a period I thought I was happy, that things were falling into place. A couple of weeks went by and I began to see myself becoming something that I wasn't, a person unfamiliar, an image in the mirror with vacant eyes and a forced smile.
I lost thoughts. I lost words. I lost the ability to reason of my own volition. Briefly, I lost myself.

For quite awhile I've been treading hard along a path with no boundaries, no structure at all. I've done so knowingly, waiting for a time when a clearing would come and things would right themselves as they always seem to at different points along the way.

Last night as I lay staring out the window of my room at the buzzing street light in front of my home it became clear that things weren't just going to "right themselves" this time. All of the causes of my woes could be fixed with effort. Not immediately, not easily, but with changes and effort there is a possibility one day I may find myself at greater ease again.

And then it occurred to me, things for me have never magically become better. I've never believed in luck because life has always bent me over and fucked me as hard as it could find a way to penetrate. That has made me strong - it's given me the ability to get up on mornings like this one and decide to do something amazing with my life instead of moping around and waiting for something to come about.



I'll be hermitting if you need me.

The VW has been in the shop for a week. They ordered a windshield wiper motor and two window motors on Friday so I should see my car back by the end of the year I'm guessing. I've been driving my dad's work truck around - this old heap of Chevy. I asked him why it seemed like the needle on the gas gauge was going down whenever I accelerated and he said, "Well, its mileage isn't that bad. It gets about 15/gallon." Yes - FIFTEEN miles per gallon. It's at least ten miles for me to drive to work each day; and then the drive back. If I need to do anything at all I have to incorporate it into either going to or from work because I can't afford to make any trips beyond that.

So I ordered

the Schwinn Windwood so I can pedal my ass to at least some of the places around the neighborhood: grocery store, movie rental shop, liquor/smoke shop, Taco Bell (yummy). I live on the slummy side of the city where there isn't anything exciting so I'm sort of limited as to where I can go. Even worse, we barely have sidewalks over here and definitely not any bike paths so I might die. But... I'll look cute when I do. Coaster brakes!!!



Anyone want to start a bicycle gang? It would be tough. Especially if we had these.

The Volkswagen is back at the mechanic. Who would have guessed?! Yeah, I love it. Actually, in some fucked up way I do love my car. Well, I say that now; come tomorrow I could find out I need a new engine. *knock on plywood desk* The windshield wipers went out the other day. It was a nice time for them to decide to do so as we've been getting hit with non-stop rain storms since then. Nothing like driving around with your head out the window getting pelted with rain droplets in the eyes. Last night the only thing that got me home was a roll of paper towels I stole from a friends house and used to wipe the mist off of the beast before going on my merry way - classic. Oh, and the two passenger windows still don't work, the air circulation button went out, and it started stalling out again yesterday. I just went to my guy with a list. He laughed at me, but in one of those ways like, "This sucks and I'm sorry." I laughed too. What else can you do?
I did sell the PT. That is the good news at least. Now I have money to fix my pile of VW. Also maybe get my furnace and a/c fixed. That would also be very peachy.



I just got all of my Holga stuff back. Here's a few:


Samson








And the fisheye:


Tyreese


Roxy


Samson - lookin' menacing


Now I'm going to try this physics homework out. I'm hoping it's not as horrible as biology. If only I could just make chickenbabies...

Today:

- A gutter fell off of my house, but my pops put it back on. (And I made fun of his belly hanging out of his shirt while he did it - ha!)
- My fish, "fish fish," died.
- I bought a replacement betta that has yet to be named.
- The windshield wipers on the VW quit working. I checked the fuses and found one that was blown but it turned out that one just fixed the turn signal that I thought I was going to have to replace a bulb on. Yay not having to replace a bulb. Boo probably having to replace something insanely expensive. (I'll just add it to the list.)
- Someone came from out of state to look at the PT this evening and said they're going to buy it. I really, really, really, REALLY hope this works out. The Volkswagen - it has needs. Very costly fucking needs.
- I found a turtle in the driveway when I came home from buying stamps. I picked him up with a shovel - didn't know if he was a snapper and I didn't really want to find out - and put him in my back yard. I'm hoping him and flops-a-lot (the bunny) will become friends and kick it old school.



What is everyone doing for the weekend?

This may be my greatest accomplishment as an artist thus far:



The Bear Burger - when a vegetarian has to cook your BBQ you will shut up and eat what you're given, even if it's disturbingly cute.


Viva summer!

I've noticed that I'm becoming a sort of default alcoholic. I've had problems with the substance in the past so it's always easy to take the low road and slip back to my heathen ways. Why deal with reality when there's a simple solution right there at the drive-through liquor store? And how convenient is that?! You don't even have to get out of your car to booze up!
It's easy to have that sort of mentality and lately I've been tinkering with it. Though, instead of running with the theme of "avoidance" I've been using the excuse of "socialization". I know I hate everyone, that I'm a hermit, and I'm getting older and feel it's only getting worse with time; so I thought I'd slowly take steps to try and turn this around. However, in this region the only thing to do is go to church or hit up the bars; maybe both in the same day depending on your denomination. With my not so glorious past there is no way I can sit in an alcohol slinging establishment and not have a drink. ...or eight. I suppose I can't blame the beer entirely, it's not like we have delicious breweries here like back home, moreso getting through the entire bar experience I'm sure. A yokel over here, a yokel over there - here a yokel, there a yokel, everywhere a yokel yokel.
I went to a guy's house last night after the bar to smoke a J and when I came out of the restroom he and my friend were in some conversation about interracial dating - and why it is disgusting. I had a mini-shit-fit before he butted in with, "at least I didn't say 'nigger'," at which point I just starred at him with hatred until he said he was an idiot and apologized.
I fucking hate people so hard.
And this brings me to another point, the more I move it seems like the worse friendships I acquire. I have a few friends back home that I absolutely adore. Here? It's fucking questionable. The instance above for example, that was MY friend involved in that conversation - how terrible do I feel about that. I want to like the people I know here for their good qualities, but why should I have to pick and choose? Why should I feel the need to get inebriated just to bring myself down to the same level?
Staying home with the cats and lurking around the house seems pathetic to me but on the other side the cats never say stupid shit that makes me want to rip their faces off and my house is pretty peaceful. Hmmmm...




I went out and took some lo-mo photos the other day. (Photography always cheers me up.) Here are some digital test shots:






















Oh yeah, and I'm quitting smoking for good, for serious, starting today. Long story short I've been having really horrible chest pains and last night I woke up at some ungodly hour and couldn't breathe even after hitting up my asthma inhaler. Fuck it, I don't want to die. Just thought I'd give fair warning that I'm going to be more of a ranting raving biatch than usual I imagine - tough titties.

Since when did Memorial Day turn into Mardi Gras?

One of my friends asked me to her family cabin in the Ozarks this weekend. We went down yesterday morning and pretty immediately got ready to go down to the river. I've never been "floating," the idea actually disgusts me, but I figured that since I've been here four years now I might as well accept the fact I'm culturally fucked and join in the yokel festivities. I was a little self-conscience at first, I haven't worn a bikini in a couple of years now and being force-fed ultra-skinny bitches by the media everyday I was expecting to end up getting hammered just to deal. As we were driving down I was in awe - it was so stereotypical Americana that I almost died. Lard ass white trash mother fuckers waving confederate flags, honking their car horns trying to holler at us while we drove by, and practically pouring beer all over themselves; I couldn't believe I was actually there seeing it. But hell, at least I didn't have to worry about feeling chubby.
We took about fifty beers, two packs of cigarettes, three liters of water, two cans of Pringles, a pack of sunflower seeds, various sun screens and oils, and some towels between the two canoes and the four of us. The fun part about this was that we were so well prepared we managed to barter with all sorts of people all the way down the river. Whitney scored some Mountain Dew off of a couple of teenagers that wanted a can of beer. I got a bubble wand for two beers and a cigarette. Somewhere along the way (after about ten drinks had been consumed on my part) I tipped the canoe slightly while trying to get in and wrecked my smokes, as well as lacerated my shin, and caused my rowing partner to lose his sunglasses. (Oopsies.) Thank god for bartering because I need my damn cigarettes - a half can of Pringles and I was back in business for the rest of the trip. I also was kind enough to give up my liter of water to some girl that was just lying over the side of her raft, throwing up consistently for ten minutes. It was like the Exorcist, but a really pretty girl; way too icky.
Also along the river were all kinds of men with beads trying to get ladies to whip out their ta-ta's - hence the Mardi Gras reference. There was this chick with them just walking around without a top at all, being absolutely drunk and disorderly as could be. I somehow got pulled into a conversation with her later; all I remember is her telling me that when she got "the shocker" she preferred "two in the ass and one in the vag." Quite a respectable lady that one was. Then again, my friend and I were the ones yelling, "Show us your balls!!!" by the middle of the day. But what the hell, breasts are old hat, and I wanted to see if there was anyone drunk enough to whip out their boys. And yes - yes there was, teehee.

All in all a good time was had I'd say. I have bruises all over the place, a wicked sunburn, and a hangover to match. Oh yeah, and I broke the year long chastity streak. There was a memorial said somewhere during that event though... you know, in honor of... What the hell is this holiday for again?

I have a short story to tell. It isn't my greatest adventure, but it sure is problematic currently.


I purchased this Volkswagen a few weeks back. My PT Cruiser was having issues that could not be calculated so I began searching for something more reliable, and with my love of VW's, I sought out a little German vehicle that could get me out of the debt I was being thrown into with the Cruiser. I still had a few grand left to pay on that vehicle after all, and with the cost of fixing its mechanical needs - not including what could not be figured out - I assumed it was time to move on. Thus far I am in debt $570 to my father for parts for the VW, not including the $100 I have already repaid him. I would give him more but my credit card debt is up to almost a grand now and there is still the matter of my heating/air unit not working in my home. I have been living the past few weeks by as little means as possible - eggs, bread, peanut butter, jelly - the type of shit I swore I would never bring myself to doing after I spent my time living this way for the first part of my collegiate career. But it's acceptable now, during what's been deemed as a recession I suppose, everyone has to make cutbacks somewhere. I just never imagined it would come to this.
This week I learned that the government was not giving me the grant it has always allowed me for summer courses. I will be paying for everything I take. I cannot drop my classes because I will lose my work study hours - my job, my paycheck - so I am left trying to make up the difference again and missing a substantial amount of funds that I would normally be allotted.

I thought by getting this little hooptie it would free me from my debt that I've been under and give me a bit more freedom. Tonight when I was driving to my friend's house I was thankful that the car made it there. On the way home when it started stalling out and I had to stop twice to restart it in hopes that it would somehow work that mystical magic that it sometimes does and make it begin working properly again I almost lost it.
And in the driveway I began crying, because I knew that there was a decision to be made and either way it was going to end with me being wrong. Was I wrong to buy the Volkswagen and have to put all this money into it only to find out that it's a lemon and be stuck paying off the debt for the next three years? Will I be wrong to sell the PT and keep the VW and have the thing die completely and me be fucked entirely? Will I have to put money into the VW to get it running, sell it, pay it off, and then find out the PT is totally effed as well? ...I don't know. Any way you look at it I made a poor choice somewhere.
The worst part about it is that in the dysfunction of my family, this decision will never die.