PICS
I've been drinking a lot of tea lately, and spending a lot of time inside my head and with the items I keep scattered around me, including slowly clearing out the last remaining pieces of that other life I had. A few of those pieces are just journal entries I wrote but could never share, forever saved as drafts in my email account and not reopened until this morning.
Ease in. I feel the creeping of the water over the inches of my back, sliding over goosebumps and past each rib. Shoulders dive under and the waterline moves into and through my hair, up my scalp; follicles tingle and prick. I press my shoulder blades to the bottom of the tub and the water comes around to frame my face and slip into my ears, filling them. I stay submerged. The water pouring down between my feet sounds like thunder in the distance, like drums all around. I take a deep breath in through my protruding nose, like an alligator, and feel my lungs fill and expand. I hear my quiet hiss of a breath amplified through the water and the bones in my ear, and focus on the way my body rises to the surface like a life raft -- my chest shooting up first, and then abdomen dragged up after, then the tops of my thighs. I hold the air in and wait to see if I might sink. I focus on being lighter than water, on the ease of it. I breathe out steadily and, a moment or two later, my body falls back in slow motion. Eventually I am back on the bottom of the tub, and my bones settle against the ceramic floor. Shoulder blades hit last and I rest, fragile and perfect against two points. The water around my face laps against my skin in tiny waves, sneaks into the cracks of my mouth, the creases of my eyes. This feels natural. I close my lips and let the water on either side come to meet in the middle between them. I close my eyes and feel it rush in to pool in the corners, against my nose which is the only thing not overcome. My breathing is slow and controlled. I don't create waves. With a deep breath in, I focus again on the way my body rises, chest leading and everything following. My eyes and lips emerge, chilly, and I exhale and drop back into the warmth. The sounds of my breathing seem to come from all around me, rather than within.
And around the same time:
Happier since he's been gone. There's been -peace- since he left, and when I imagine him coming back, the turmoil comes right in step. I cannot imagine him being here and maintaining this feeling -- if I try, I can already feel the stomach aches and obsessive paranoia, the racing thoughts. Every time he asks why I'm with him, now, my response time is slower than the time before. This last time, seconds stretched out indefinitely while my brain searched for something to say that wouldn't fall flat, sound thinned out and tinny, or like a downright lie. So what is the real answer, then, in my headspace where no one can hear or judge or be hurt? What's left to stay for -- to stay submerged in discomfort and pain for? Would it really be -more- painful to leave, or just differently painful? Is it just my loyalty to the known evil? What do I really think is the risk -- and do I think enough about the benefit? Is it a consequential aversion to risk, so soon after falling face-down? I am unable to guarantee any kind of outcome, should I leave, making this feel more stable -- despite the fact that the only guarantee I have here is continued anguish. What do I really expect to await me on my own? Don't I know myself well enough to be sure that I won't ever hurt myself like his elements do? And what is even left of how I feel about him -- if I isolate him, put him into a box and look at him -- there is no more overwhelming response. I think more about leaving this state and forgetting everything it stands for than I think about making it a safer place for myself, or growing more into my existing life here. No longer in love, what am I protecting, cherishing? I cherish nothing, anymore. Potential, maybe? I both cherish the possibility of revival and tell myself it will never come around. That's what I'm staying for -- an outcome. Something to make me stay or go. Until then, I exist with my bags packed and a foot out the door. The only advantage I can pin down is that I do not want to venture out on my own before I am safely and properly medicated. This should've happened nearly a week ago, but just like everything else, my prescription insurance lapsed in the move and is proving difficult to reestablish. Once it is, though, -- I'll begin the process of feeling healthy enough to move on.
In other news .. I mentioned school a while but kept putting off the explanation. Well, the intention was to start as early as possible. If I could afford it, I wanted to start this summer, but if I had to wait until Fall before I felt stable enough in the other areas of my life, I would still be content. Unfortunately, after hounding my first school for my transcripts for a month, I found out that I wasn't going to get anywhere in my hounding thanks to an outstanding bill. My last semester hadn't been paid for, which I wasn't even aware of until a couple months ago. So until I can pay the $5,000 to the old university, I cannot move forward with the new one. I'm torn on whether I think this is reasonable or not. To a point, it's my debt either way, and I should technically be able to be both responsible for that debt, and creating new debt that I'm responsible for at a new institution. But I guess it's not the case.
So I was lucky enough to land a bartending position at a nice sports bar. And by "land," I mean the owner of part of the chain has been one of my customers at the tanning place for three years, and he asked if I would like the job. I start on Tuesday and will train for three shifts, then start making tips. Since I'm keeping the tanning job, the idea is that all of my tips will go into a separate savings account for this bill. Hopefully I'll be able to close the account in the next few months, and there's a chance, depending on how quickly I can do that, .. that I'll still be able to start in the fall. I need to do it before June, though, because in June I will no longer be able to stay in the house I'm currently living -- because it belongs to my best friend's relatives, and technically we're just house sitting for a very extended period. She and I are going to get a place when they come back, but with the added expenses, less money will be trickling into the savings account.
Another way I'm raising money for this is by selling prints again, and not for such a short time. I will print from any of my sets, including the one that just went up about a week ago. So just message me with the number and which set it's from, and I'll start putting it all together. Last time was a bit scattered because I tried to do it as quickly as possible, so this time I think I'll be a little more organized and ship everything on Fridays. Pricing is the same. $5 for a 4x6, $10 for 8x10. Can make deals with shipping for multiple orders.
This week has been full of thunderstorms and wind that howls down the fireplace next to where I sleep. If I could, I would keep this weather year 'round. It's what the inside of my head looks and sounds and feels like, and it puts me at ease.
Besides that, I have had a very busy month. I've moved from the ex's basement, and now am house sitting with my best friend of 20-something years, until Spring or Summer. I've spent a few weekends traveling with darkrivet and the rest of the time working. I also got the backs of my thighs tattooed, and have plans for the fronts as soon as possible. I'm taking a bartending certification course, and still waiting to hear back from Kent on the rest of school. All of this, and spring is still coming fast every day.
Let me catch you up. If you've forgotten in the last few weeks, this is me:
This is my life.
This is a small, iPhone generated representation of my trip to DC. I haven't even taken the photos from my camera, yet.
A few weeks ago, in Pittsburgh.
And the set should be up now, so please go say nice things and press the :hearts: button once an hour, on the hour. Kthx.
