well christmas... yay.

i was recently dumped VIA facebook

... is it just me or is that pretty fucking immature?

so i was all set to go home, and instead i just headed to the amtrak station with all my things and hopped on the next train back to santa barbara. so here i am. this place is deserted. everyone went home for holiday, i think im the only human left? it's pretty lonely, but the isolation and the solace makes for good writing...

i am trying to scrounge together the $$$$$ to fly/drive/train it up to my family. i always find a way. i'm not worried about it. i just feel like lately my depression has been getting the best of me. crying spells, mood swings, etc. i don't know how to fucking control it. and my doctor is pushing, so much, so so much, for me to just take lithium, and i even gave in and said fine, but i still just stow them away in my drawer, untouched, because i feel that the lesser of the evils is being MYSELF as opposed to a ZOMBIE........however painful or eccentric or whateverthefuck i am.

i really want to just go home. im going crazy alone in this apartment. i shot a set with sean recently, it should be in the queue sometime. also going to shoot with my favey DarrylDarko once i'm home. hopefully i'll get the chance to catch up with my lady Rambo and smoke a big fat fucking much deserved blunt. i miss the bay.

anyway. sorry for bitching. i'm just in a rut. on the contrary though, i came out of finals quite well. i got my grades back, and they are better than satisfactory (which was what i was expecting) ... i get disappointed with myself if i get anything other than an A, the lowest grade i've received at UCSB was a C... in an upper division calculus class. so i'm alright with it.

anyway, if you havent seen this video that LiquidScience shot of me, you should watch it. Pretty sure i have a new girl crush on Sash ...... :x



so yeah, hello intranet world. i hope you are all well. i am slowly getting over pneumonia, i don't think my smoking and drinking habits help, but hey, they're hard to kick.

since it's the holiday season if you're feeling generous to check out my wishlist and send me something sweet..... this ... i'll happily respond with a handmade greeting card and a little surprise=)

i guess i just feel like.. fuck.. dude.. this is gonna sound cliche,

but no one has acknowledged how utterly and completely sick i've been.

how sad i've felt, how much this past month has worn on me. and i guess i'll admit, i'm being a stupid girl craving attention or something. i'm like seeking this validation that someone gives a fuck. everything around me is burning down. i don't know how to deal with it. i just sleep a lot...and drink a lot... and take a lot of benzos... it's not healthy, i know.

but then again,

you already knew that wasn't my thing.